AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of January 7, 2008

“Light penalties for egregious acts.”

Last night Alfred Vanderpoole called an emergency City Council meeting. These emergency sessions usually last for hours and hours but not last night. How short was the meeting? It ended before Marion Chandler and Enid Nelson could start throwing (empty) Martini glasses at each other. Last night’s meeting was even shorter than the one proclaiming Saint Ryan Lavery Day. Within minutes everyone agreed to have the judge’s remark inscribed over the courthouse door. Ok, so there was a little rumbling about the phrase not applying to everyone who had stood trial in the Valley. That was a fair statement but the council decided that Trey Kenyon was the exception that proved the rule. Meeting adjourned.

We are used to PV trials not following the letter of the law. People burst in, each shouting their version of “What I have to say could change everything, your Honor.” Lawyers defend or prosecute family members. Many are called to jury duty but we seldom see those who are chosen. Perjury is so common it barely receives an admonishing remark from the judge. Justice is seldom served, but drinks are usually served shortly after the case is dismissed.

Even taking all that into consideration, Kendall’s trial was a circus At any moment I expected the judge to put on one of Ryan’s clown noses. Jack was defending Kendall when just a few short days ago he was insisting she be punished severely for framing Greenlee. Derek, PV’s titular Chief of Police, was absent. A halo was placed on Greenlee’s head for testifying on Kendall’s behalf. However, I was impressed when Greenlee managed to exonerate Kendall without having to admit that months ago she had kidnapped Spike. The prosecutor was behaving as if Kendall was on trial for being a scofflaw. Little of what transpired made sense. Just like every other trial in Pine Valley.

Kendall not making any sense was the one thing that did make sense. Kane women have a history of doing things that don’t make any sense. Erica having sex with Jeff Martin is but one example. A short time ago, Kendall was swearing she would never ever be separated from her boys again, yet there she was confessing to a crime that could send her to prison for 20-40 years. Even her confession was nonsensical, “Well your Honor, I was out of control with rage because I thought Greenlee had caused my son’s deafness. Then I found out that Spike was deaf before the accident so my anger at Greenlee was wrong. I should still be angry with her for kidnapping Spike. And making a U-turn while reaching for her cell phone and causing the accident. Or causing Spike to have major surgery. Or for Ian’s long stay in Intensive Ca re. But the writers are insisting we have happy ending so I can’t be angry with Greenlee for those things. And that’s why I’m confessing.”

Kendall actions are motivated by guilt. Her guilt is more about having sex with Aidan than about framing Greenlee. Kendall really needs to learn how to compartmentalize her feelings and fast.

Kendall also needs to learn the difference between having a moment of bad judgment and having an affair. Their thinking clouded by grief, Aidan and Kendall had sex. (Let us just hope their thinking was not so clouded that they forgot about birth control.) They don’t have a standing appointment to spend every Wednesday afternoon at the Pine Cone having illicit sex. However, if they keep shooting each other guilty looks people will soon begin thinking they are meeting at the Pine Cone every Wednesday for sex.

What else. What else.

“They tried to bring us down, old Buddy, but they failed. I’m still standing.” I am very grateful for that Adam. Very grateful indeed.

“Are you under the influence of drugs or alcohol?” No, your Honor, but it seems the writers are.

Does it irk anyone else that Erica declares her love for Lily yet continues to wear red dresses?

Richie has many skills. Now it turns out being psychic is one of them. He imagined Annie in the burlap dress before she showed up wearing it. Long gone are the days when soaps had continuity editors.

“Babe gets the cash. You get nothing. Class dismissed.” Babe has come up in the world. Men are now giving her the cash directly instead of just leaving it on the nightstand.

This week was Red Herring Week in Pine Valley. JR threatened to kill Richie. The felonious shrink made his intentions clear. Now that Babe is the designated beneficiary she can be a suspect. I am guessing someone sets out to kill Richie and fails. I am positive Derek will arrest the wrong person.

“You think you can do everything on your own. Well,you can’t. That’s how we ended up here. What are we? We’re not a team, so what are we?” Zach, you are a man married to a Kane woman. It does not matter whether or not they are married; Kane women always think they can do everything on their own. Just ask Jack.

In order to guarantee that Richie spends the rest of his life in the psych ward, Ryan donated a huge sum of money to PVH. In other words, he used money to manipulate the situation to his advantage. When Adam uses money to manipulate the situation, he is EVIL. When Ryan uses money to manipulate the situation, he is a hero. Makes perfect sense. On the Planet Crack.

“That bitch.” When Amanda treats JR badly she is a bitch. When Babe treats JR badly she is a heroine. Makes perfect sense. On the Planet Crack.

Most of December’s episodes were dark and darker. The January episodes are flooded with light. AMC must have a calendar year budget. Now that it is 2008 they can afford to buy a few light bulbs.

“You are a remarkably clever woman.” Have you ever noticed how many times “clever” and “deranged” can be used to describe the same person?

Krystal married Tad in order to get over her feelings for Adam. Ryan married Greenlee to get over his feelings for Kendall. Let’s just hope we never see Tad wearing only his briefs while defying Krystal to think about anyone but him.

Where is Janet? I thought she and Richie were BFF.

“Greenlee Smythe isn’t guilty of anything.” If anyone needs an Isabella Santos slap to bring her back to reality, it’s Kendall.

“That was a mercy laugh.” I can live with Zach giving Greenlee a mercy laugh. I could not live with him giving her a mercy anything else.

Hannah in her bra and panties fondling her high-powered rifle was a disturbing sight. Damn, I wish Brian Frons would stop subjecting us to his sexual fantasies.

Hannah shot Ryan instead of Kendall. Not to worry, Annie, she shot Ryan in his upper brain.

Will the writers show us some mercy this week? Let’s see.

An unhappy Hannah is a dangerous Hannah.

A bit disappointed in having shot the wrong person, Hannah heads over to the Cambias offices.

In Hannah’s position, I would be heading straight for the border but rational thinking does not appear to be Hannah’s strong suit.

While at the office, Hannah uses her free time to update some files and water her plants. Oh, and she ties Josh to a chair. Why? So she can hold him hostage at gunpoint.

In Hannah’s position, I would be tying Josh to the chair for my own sexual pleasure. Obviously, Hannah is becoming more irrational by the minute.

Kendall and Zach stop by the office. They soon realize something is wrong. They hear Josh screaming, “Untie me!” instead of his usual plea for Hannah to tie him up.

They have always seemed like an S&M kind of couple to me.

Zach breaks down the door to Hannah’s office only to discover she is gone. He teases Josh unmercifully about letting a girl get the best of him.

Yes, I made the last part up. Hannah running amok with a gun definitely puts a damper on things.

Hannah and Sean have sex.

I wish I had made this up but I did not. Hannah and Sean really have sex. Creepy sex, which I hope will happen off camera. Brian Frons’ sex fantasies are giving me nightmares.

Sean calls Jack once he realizes Hannah is a fugitive.

Does he also realize that the writers hate him? First they sic Ava on him and now Hannah. What happened to the sweet relationship he had going with Colby? Oh, there I go again expecting romance on my soap. Silly me.

Zach declares that he will deal with Hannah once and for all.

I thought Zach already did that. Several times.

Zach asks Aidan to look after Kendall while he is gone. Zach knows she is in good hands with Spotted Dick.

Well, that is better than Spotted Dick being in Kendall’s good hands.

Zach and Hannah meet up at the White Cliffs of Pine Valley.

Hey, if Pine Valley can have an ocean, it can have White Cliffs, too.

Hannah is angry because Zach has always made time to rescue every woman in his life except her.

Just because Hannah is crazy does not invalidate her point. Here’s a thought, since she tried to kill Kendall wouldn’t make sense that she had something to do with Dixie’s so-called death?

Hannah confesses that she had sex with Cambias-the-Elder. She then throws herself off the cliff.

Come-on, Hannah, the sex could not have been that bad.

While trying to rescue Hannah, Zach finds himself hanging on for dear life.

Finally! A cliffhanger that is really a cliffhanger.

Meanwhile over at the Chandler tunnels.

Colby hides Dre in the tunnels. Dre tells her a little bit about his pre-PV life.

Well if Sean is having sex with Hannah it’s only fair that Colby have an intimate conversation with Dre. At least Colby is not putting herself in a situation where she could catch an STD. Or a bullet.

Colby meets Quentin and volunteers to hide him in the tunnels.

Will we be witnessing a father and son reunion in the tunnels? Do the tunnels have an occupancy permit?

The drama continues back at PVH.

The doctor tells Annie and Richie that he looked up leukemia on Wikipedia. Turns out a bone marrow transplant could save Richie’s life.

Quelle surprise!

Annie is still dealing with the bone marrow news when she finds out that Ryan has been shot.

Annie is having a bad day and it isn’t even Sweeps.

Ryan is released from the hospital.

Ryan is like a Timex watch; he takes a licking and keeps on ~~annoying~~ ticking.

Annie is concerned when Ryan goes outside in his underwear and starts to dance the Paso Doble.

What really happens is that an underwear clad Ryan runs outside and frolics in the snow. Actually, the notion of Ryan frolicking is rather funny.

Other stuff happens, too.

Greenlee thinks there is something wrong with her.

Oh, Greenlee, there has been something wrong with you ever since Leo died.

Not one to pussy foot around, Erica asks Kendall if she and Aidan had sex.

“Well, Mother, of course we did. But that was years ago.” Erica hears her mother’s voice when she replies, “Oh, Kendall.”

JR tries to set Babe on fire.

Well, not really. It’s just that I misread the actual spoiler. I thought it said “JR re-kindles Babe” when it actually said, “JR tries to rekindle his relationship with Babe.”

Oh, those AMC actors.

Several readers have asked me whether I have an opinion about Sabine Singh’s dismissal. I do have an opinion but have not written about her situation because it strikes way to close to home for me. (Once, through no fault of my own, I was “let go.” Losing a job I did well was painful. The way the company handled my dismissal was humiliating and quite public.)

ABC had the right to fire Ms. Singh. Firing an employee is one thing, humiliating them is quite another. Ms. Singh has behaved professionally while ABC management behaved in a way that totally boggles the mind. Ms. Singh has displayed enormous grace under pressure. She left with her dignity intact. Meanwhile, over at the circle jerk that passes for management at ABCD, they are undoubtedly high-fiving themselves for their brilliant marketing strategy. My grandmother used to say either a person has class or they don’t. Ms. Singh has it. I doubt anyone at ABCD even knows what class means, let alone knows how to possess it.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!