AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of May 7, 2007

Much of the past 10 days or so has been spent flat on my back. No, my friends, not studying at the Krystal Carey School for Cunning Concubines, but humoring my poor back. Sitting computer time exacerbates the pain, so I went into this past week’s AMC viewing completely spoiler-free. Before taking over this column, I was always spoiler free. I was looking forward to the retro experience of not knowing what was going to happen. Unfortunately, while there were a few surprising moments, most of the week was as predictable as well, as predictable as my back pain is these days.

Tad and Krystal continued lamenting the misplacement of their daughter. Blah. Blah. Blah. For a number of reasons, it’s difficult to take their pain seriously. Their previous willingness to inflict similar pain on others is just one. Another reason it’s hard to take their pain seriously is because this is Pine Valley, people, where stealing babies is no big deal. Despite their baby stealing ways, the SC2 have been elevated to a status higher than sainthood. Two of their co-conspirators, Tad and Jamie, are still regarded as good guys. Even Bianca now refers to the Mirabess Mess as the time when “Miranda and I lost each other.”

It’s time for everyone to just move on, like Bianca has. It would be simple really. If Janet agrees to go back on her meds, Amanda will agree to visit her mother once a month. Adam will set about rebuilding his life with Brooke. Jenny becomes Jackie and has a lovely life with her adoptive parents. What about Krystal and Tad? Why, the adoptive parents make Krystal and Tad little Jackie’s godparents, of course. Works for me.

This storyline is supposed to redeem both Krystal and Tad. I guess I am just not as forgiving as Bianca, because it’s just not working for me. Krystal and Tad continue to ride around on their sanctimonious high horses declaring Adam to be all evil, all the time. While Adam is hardly blameless, he should not have to shoulder all the blame in this situation. Krystal and Tad backed Adam into a corner. They rubbed his face in his humiliation and heartbreak at every turn. How did they expect him to react? Granted, stealing a baby is a bit extreme, but can’t they see that Adam, like Krystal, just made a bad decision?

There was one scene this week that did touch me and that was Adam sitting alone in his house, tears in his eyes. David Canary can bring complicated emotions without saying a word. I believe Adam has realized he did something really wrong and now he cannot stop a situation that is spinning out of control. Adam, like David Hayward, knows who he is and admits he isn’t always good or right. Both men also have the capacity to learn from their past transgressions. Maybe they don’t learn as much as they should, but at least they are capable of learning.

Kyrstal, on the other hand, seems to have learned nothing from the Mirabess mess. She did not learn that lying about parentage is a really bad idea. She did not learn one single thing about being truly compassionate towards others who also find themselves between a rock and a hard place. Krystal can try to play the “karma is a bitch” card all she wants, but I don’t believe her for a minute. Last week when she shouted to the heavens, “Is this what you wanted?” it rang completely false to me because inside I think Krystal was really shouting,” Is this what you wanted? Is this how you are punishing me for Miranda? Wasn’t the broken nail I had last week punishment enough?”

And then there is Tad. Tad the Arrogant. Tad who had the nerve to say to the adoptive parents, “I guess your idea of being on the up-and-up is different than mine”, with no sense of irony or self-awareness in his voice. If Adam dies while handcuffed to Tad, Tad will easily shift all responsibility to Adam’s corpse. Can Tad be redeemed? I would like to think so. As I have postulated before, Tad’s redemption would take a Ray Gardner intervention. “Well, boy, I see you have lost another one. You just cannot seem to hold onto the women in your life, can you? Jenny, Simone, Dixie. Little Kate and now little Jenny. You might as well have just tossed those little ones out of the car in the State Park for all the good having you as a Daddy did them. You are a Gardner through and through, boy, you might as well admit it.” The day Tad looks in the mirror and sees Ray Gardner looking back is the day Tad’s redemption becomes possible.

What else. What else.

“I don’t bond with underlings.” Is that a perfect t-shirt saying or what? Of course, what Hannah really meant was, “I don’t bond with underlings but I do have sex with them in my office.”

Brooke needs come back right now. She can help Adam rebuild his. Brooke could also hire Colby as a summer intern at Tempo. Colby will need something to boost her up when Sean’s canoodling with Ava breaks her heart.

I like Lily. I like Ava. I like them together. What I don’t like is Ava having sex with men who are in any way related to Lily. Incest, semi- or otherwise, is best left to adults.

Amanda-belle, you sure had some week. Getting Jamie to cop to the part he played in Jenny’s disappearance. Tugging at my heart strings by thinking Trevor’s death was your fault. Trying desperately to rescue Jenny. Why do we have to wait until her mother comes to town to see Amanda doing more than tending bar?

Jenny is one innocent in the current mess, Janet is the other. I love Kate Collins. Even when Janet is acting out, there is a vulnerability underneath that keeps her from being a comic figure. (And btw, it makes no sense that Adam would not have made sure Janet stayed on her meds. Janet being at least somewhat rational was crucial to Adam’s plan.)

“I don’t want to be the adult.” Ahh Colby. There is someone else in PV who would understand that completely and that’s Amanda. These two should talk.

Was the wedding shower supposed to be a party? I mean it did accurately reflect the energy of that non-dynamic couple Ryan and Annie but still…

The ugly bridesmaid dress show really fell flat. It did, however, bring back funny memories of Jackson in bride drag at a PV bachelor party. (I cannot remember if it was Mateo’s bachelor party or Tad’s, but I remember it was fun.)

“There is life after unhealthy obsessions.” Whoa, first Jamie and now Josh admit that being with Babe is not so much like love as it is like insanity. Now, if only JR would figure that out.

“You know, no more Little -- Little Adam and his toys and Colby and her music or Krystal and her effluvia.” OK, OK, so that’s not exactly what Stuart said to Adam, but it’s what I heard in my head.

Now that Greenlee’s back, is it too much to hope that Mary and Greenlee’s grandfather will be returning, too?

“You’re not much of a hostess, are you?” Oh, Janet, if you had pulled up in an 18 wheeler carrying a six-pack of Bud, you would have found out exactly how welcoming Krystal can be.

Now will this week’s spoilers have us wanting to go off our meds or not? Let’s see:

At least this baby snatching didn’t last a year.

Janet becomes more and more unraveled while interviewing Tad and Krystal.

Don’t feel bad, Janet, spending time with those two would have me feeling a bit unraveled myself.

Finally, Janet takes Tad and Krystal to see Jenny. Parents and child are reunited.

Bless her heart; Janet always does try to do the right thing. It’s just that sometimes the voices in her head get in the way.

Adam really is having a heart attack and is rushed to PVH. Joe and Jeff harangue him while administering CPR. Despite being treated by the Martins, Adam recovers.

Clearly, I have Martin issues. Clearly, I don’t care.

Adam puts the blame for the kidnapping squarely on Janet.

Yes, this is not fair. But why should Adam be the only one in this mess to take responsibility for his actions?

Amanda decides Adam will not let Janet take the fall alone for the kidnapping.

Amanda’s loyalty to her mother is touching and believable. Amanda may make mistakes and Janet is schizophrenic, but I could never refer to them as any kind of SC2.

Greenlee’s back and there’s gonna be some trouble. At least, I hope there is.

Kendall heads off to the spa for some pampering. So does Greenlee.

Is Greenlee there as a client or is she still in lurker mode?

Kendall is stunned when she recognizes her former BFF’s voice.

I am stunned by this myself, because the one thing that doesn’t ring true about nuGreens is her voice. It has a little girl quality to it that is somewhat jarring. (Still I am hopeful that will change as the actress settles into the role.)

Greenlee tells Kendall that she forgives her. More than that, Greenlee swears she will not interfere with Ryan’s upcoming wedding.

Wait a minute there, Ms. Smythe DuPres Lavery, are those crossed well- manicured fingers I see behind your back?

Greenlee is more than a little surprised that Kendall is not bothered by Ryan’s upcoming marriage.

Wait a minute there, Ms. Smythe DuPres Lavery, how could you have forgotten the wonder that is Zach Slater?

Greenlee is not happy to learn that Emma is Ryan’s daughter.

I am with you on this one, Greens. The thought of another Lavery in the world, even one as cute as Emma, doesn’t make me happy, either.

Kendall decides to warn Ryan about Greenlee’s reappearance but is stopped by Jonathan. Jonathan thinks Kendall wants to stop the wedding.

I wonder what Jonathan does to stop her? Trap her in a cave, perhaps?

Just before the wedding begins, Kendall finds Greenlee lurking in the garden. Kendall locks Greens in the playhouse.

And it’s wacky déjà vu all over again.

Ryan tells Annie that their wedding will go off without a hitch.

Without a hitch? Maybe. With Greenlee back in town, will it go off without a bitch? Unlikely.

Ryan and Annie get married. Greenlee crashes the reception. Instead of toasting the newlyweds with a glass of champagne, she really toasts them by announcing she is still married to Ryan.

Why anyone would publicly admit to being married to a Lavery is beyond me.

Di catches Ava attending the wedding as Lily.

Were the red hooker shoes Di’s first clue?

Other stuff happens, too.

Jack misbehaves during his appearance on New Beginnings. (Did you know Erica has an almost new show?)

Oh my, will Erica put on her maid’s costume and paddle the dear boy?

While on camera, Jack announces to the world that he and Erica still love each other. He does admit, however, that Erica loves herself just a little bit more than he does.

I tease because I love.

Hannah and Greenlee meet on a train. The two strangers see each other as solutions to their respective problems. Hannah agrees to kill Annie and Greens agrees to kill Kendall. Just kidding. Hannah and Greenlee share a drink and talk about past mistakes.

Regrets, they’ve had a few, but at least they did it their way.

Zach wants to know what Hannah’s agenda is so he tellss Josh to get to know her better.

Nothing Josh likes better than a hands on assignment.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!