AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of December 11, 2006

I am pathetic, truly pathetic. It was pathetic how much I enjoyed the Wildwind dorm scenes; especially pathetic considering I do not even like most of the characters involved. I do not exactly dislike them, except for Del and well, Julia and oh, yeah, Jamie. I like Amanda and Di, but AMC seems to not know what to do with them, not a good position to be in when a serial killer hits town.

Then there is Aidan. Pine Valley still needs its Spotted Dick. Every show needs the charming guy, the good friend who always pitches in to help and usually beds the female character who has been demoted from lead to semi-supporting (see: Erin Lavery, Di Hunkle-Henry.)

I digressed. Sorry. I enjoyed the Wildwind scenes because they were totally devoid of angst, emotional deceit and Babe.

After about the first 20 years of watching AMC, I noticed Erica would eventually be part of every front burner story, even if her participation made no sense whatsoever. In one of my early EOS columns, I suggested that AMC has an unwritten Erica’s Law, stating that the character has to be inserted into every major story. And if possible, the character must help facilitate the resolution to each major story. It did not bother me; in fact I often found it amusing. I accepted it as part of AMC.

However, now AMC appears to have created Babe’s Law and it is driving me crazy. Why is that? I think it because Babe as the center of all things is contrived and forced, whereas Erica’s development into the center of things was much more organic. Erica’s creation was the perfect combination of actress, character and writing. Is Susan Lucci the greatest actress? No, but casting her as Erica was one of those soap miracles where the whole turned out to be much greater than the sum of its parts. Erica is a character viewers can love to hate as opposed to Babe, who is easy to just plain hate.

I do not even think I hate Babe as much as I hate the fact that I cannot escape her. She is everywhere. The only place Babe probably won’t be is on a slab in the morgue; that depresses the hell out of me. Is it possible to get a restraining order against a soap character?

Brian Frons suffers from many delusions about soaps. One of them is that Babe is the new Erica. She is not. (For that matter, I do not think Kendall or Bianca is the new Erica, either. Greenlee had the potential to be, but pairing her with the personality draining Ryan killed that possibility.) AMC killed Babe’s possibilities when she did not return Miranda to Binky immediately after discovering the truth. Erica was on the show for decades before she kept Maddie from Maria and it almost did her in with viewers. Eric learned her lesson and never again kept a child that wasn’t hers.

More than that, no one has ever testified under oath that “Erica is love.”

Not only are “Babe is love” and “Babe is a walking miracle” Pine Valley’s new town slogans, but she is back to lying about a child’s parentage. Babe has no compunction about keeping the Charlotte secret, while taking all the support and love offered to her by Tad, Charlotte’s real father.

I fail to see how this is supposed to convert viewers into being Babe zealots.

Zarf is a Babe zealot and that is my main problem with him. (My main problem so far, since I am trying to stick to my “take Zarf one week at a time” strategy.) For Zarf, the room is smaller when Babe leaves it, for me it is much larger and ripe with possibilities. Another thing, how are we to believe Zarf’s aura reading gifts, when he doesn’t see Babe’s aura as an ugly mustard yellow, showing her to be a person who never truly regrets her heinous actions?

Zarf, in this incarnation, is not someone I would want to spend time with because it would be exhausting. By incarnation, I do not mean “male” as opposed to “female”, I mean someone who finds it necessary to construct a public personality so large and eccentric, no one dares get close enough to see the real person. It’s a psychological take on the Wizard of Oz’s “Don’t look behind the curtain. Ignore the man behind the curtain.” Zarf has even thrown in a pretentious faux accent to keep others at bay.

Simone did not keep others at bay, she drew them to her. As Dani said, “She was a total star.” It’s too bad AMC did not see Simone and Terri Ivens that way. When the writers finally got around to giving Simone top billing, it’s as the White Gardenia murderer’s first victim. Well, at least we got to see characters mourn Simone. I felt Dani’s pain the most, since she and Simone really ran Fusion together. Dani running into Derek’s arms and even her scene with Josh were touching. I just hope we are not seeing more of Dani now to make us grieve more later if she is one of the serial killer’s victims. (I figure the only female characters who are not in danger at this point are Erica, Bianca, Kendall, Dixie and, unfortunately, the Careys.)

What else, what else?

“Baby, you have my heart.” OK, yes it was touching when Dixie said that to JR, but it also irritated me. Everyone acts as if having Adam as his father is the root of all JR’s problems. Tad and Dixie did their fair share of adding to JR’s problems, too. Still, at his age, it is up to JR to deal with his problems himself.

The only thing almost as adorable as Zach holding Spike was Zach sitting outside the morgue all night, keeping Simone company and waiting for autopsy results.

Amanda and Jamie talking about Brooke’s over protectiveness was sweet. Sweet if it is not setting Brooke up as one of the serial killer’s victims.

Tad is an idiot. Hasn’t he learned by now that Krystal’s “tell” when she is lying is her over-the-top self-righteous indignation?

If you want to make your own White Rabbit, here’s the recipe:

Shake 1 oz. ice with 3 oz. vodka, 3 oz. vanilla liqueur and 1 oz. milk together in a shaker. Strain into a martini glass. Remember one drink makes you larger and another one will make you small.

Who else thinks that soon Kendall will be keeping a spread sheet logging how much time Ryan spends with Emma vs. how much time Ryan spends with Spike?

“You did your best, Babe.” Yep, she did her best to break both JR’s and Josh’s hearts. What a woman!

“Did Krystal highjack your brains and your stones?” Unfortunately, JR, the answer to that question appears to be “yes.” Why else would Adam let Babe stalk JR in his own home? Adam, my recent hopes for you are now fading.

Adam needs to take a lesson from Colby, who is clearly playing the Careys. Not only does this prove she is Liza’s daughter, if she keeps going like this I might develop a grudging fondness for her.

Why did Babe run downstairs to get Josh instead of dialing “911”? Does that number have too many digits? Does she get confused by any number higher than “69”?

How many White Rabbits will it take to get through this week’s spoilers? Let’s see:

The feng shui at Fusion worsens:

Josh finds something terrible on Fusion’s roof.

The kiddie pool sprung a leak?

The something terrible Josh finds is Erin’s dead body.

In the kiddie pool? No, seriously now, it’s really Erin’s dead body. I could be sad, but I am not. Erin was much more interesting as a Nova Scotian barista than as Ryan’s sister.

Jonathan is inconsolable over Erin’s death.

I wish I could make a joke about this, but I cannot. As I recently learned, a sibling’s death, especially a sibling who was the only bright spot in a horrific childhood, causes a pain beyond imagining. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure I’ll get the snark back in a moment or two.

After a day of being strong for Jonathan, Ryan breaks down in Annie’s arms.

“Why did she have to die Annie, why?” “Because there is only room for one truly boring female in Pine Valley and I’m it.”

Jonathan goes downstairs and screams, “J’accuse!” at every male in Confusion.

Jonathan calm down, sweetie. I am sure it will turn out that Erin was murdered by someone who has some “bad” in his, or her, brain. Don’t worry, eventually the doctors will cut it out and that person will be fine. Remember how everything was fine for the Grey family after the doctors cut the “bad” out of your brain?

Zarf comforts Jonathan.

“She had a boring aura, Jonathan. Her aura will be much better in the afterlife. How about if I let you wear my magic cape? That’s sure to make you feel better.”

Amanda convinces Derek to let Jonathan spend time with Erin’s body in the morgue.

Thank goodness it’s Jonathan and not Ryan visiting Erin, at least we know no clown noses will be involved.

The Fusion babes hold a press conference to reassure the public that the company is fine.

Sure it is, as long as Dani is alive to keep things going. I will not be responsible for my actions if Kendall and Babe hold hands during the press conference.

Aidan is determined to find out who is killing the women of Pine Valley.

Has Aidan ever solved a case? Isn’t his track record about on par with the PVPD?

Meanwhile, the holiday fun continues at Casa Chandler:

Dixie continues to badger JR in an effort to get him to admit he loves Babe.

“How can you not love her, JR, when she is so much like me? I let Tad think Kate was dead just the way Babe let you think Lil’A was dead. I cheated on Tad while we married and broke up a happy family. I mean if you love your Momma, you must love Babe!”

Babe begs JR for another chance. Babe tells JR that he wasn’t the only reason their marriage failed.

“I mean, it’s Josh’s fault, too. If he hadn’t told you about our affair, we would still be together. Don’t hate me, JR, hate Josh.”

JR is close to agreeing to a reconciliation, when Josh bursts in to see if Babe is OK.

For the first time since he hit PV, I will be happy to have Josh show up in a scene.

Now a quick stop at the Valley Inn:

Jeff runs a high fever during a malaria relapse. He hallucinates that he and Erica are still married.

“What was I thinking when I married her? She is one narcissistic bitch. I cannot even stand being in the same room with her. I think I’ll head over to the hospital. Maybe that nice Mary Kennicott is on duty tonight.”

Jeff’s hallucinations cause Erica to remember the emotions she felt while they were married.

“Jeff just adores me!” Let’s face it, if she remembered the overriding emotion she felt while married to Jeff, extreme boredom, she would be packing up and moving home.

Other stuff happens, too:

Annie tells Kendall she is falling in love with Ryan.

Proving that Annie is stupid.

Kendall informs Annie that Ryan is only attracted to her because she reminds him of Greenlee.

Except of course that Greens was interesting.

Zach confronts Zarf.

“This town is only big enough for one man whose name starts with “Z” and I got here first.”

Oh, those AMC writers.

Kay Alden, former writer for the Young and the Restless, has been hired as a consultant for AMC.

Is it too much to hope that this means positive change at AMC? Perhaps some stories with heart and continuity? Probably, but hey, ‘tis the season for unrealistic expectations!

Here’s to another week in the Valley!