AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Nov 13, 2006

For a change of pace, this week’s award leads the column. You probably can guess who the lucky recipient is. Yes, this week’s award for The Most Welcome Return of the Past Decade goes to Adam Chandler’s testicles! Welcome back, boys.

It was wonderful seeing Adam being, well, Adam wasn’t it? Adam finally remembered that no one messes with the Chandlers, not even the Martins. I yelped with joy when Adam punched Josh and with even more delight when he decked Jeff. For those few moments I lived vicariously through Adam. I want to beat that father and son team senseless for many reasons. Their arrogant disregard for other peoples’ marriage vows for one thing, their adoration of shallow narcissistic women for another.

(Jeff has one thing going for him and that’s John James. Mr. James manages to keep Jeff just this side of unbearable. Josh is not quite as lucky as Jeff. The way Josh is written and played he comes across as little more than a troglodyte.)

Even better than the Martin smackdown was Adam’s attitude towards Krystal and her BabyDoll. Finally, some of the scales have fallen from his eyes and Adam can see, at least a bit, that Babe is not the best thing to have happened to JR. Let’s face it, in many ways she is the worst. Adam did not hesitate to let Krystal know as far as Babe is concerned the kid gloves are off. Adam’s true mettle shone when he placed a pre-emptive call to Barry Shire. (I hope we get to see Barry, I’ve missed him.)

I am almost looking forward to this battle between Krystal and Adam. This time the playing field will be more level since Adam is not drunk on moonshine or inexplicably besotted with all things Carey.

This week I hope all discussion about who is the better parent, Adam or Krystal, was put to rest. Adam wins because Colby mentioned studying hard for her geometry test. As we all know, at the Carey Learning Institute, they teach “Don’t blow precious time studying when you can blow your teacher for an A instead!”

Something interesting could come from this whole mess, although I doubt that it will. If this situation could teach Babe that saying “I’m sorry” a bazillion times is not enough to abrogate the damage she causes, Babe could grow up a bit.

Unfortunately, female characters showing growth is not Megan McTavish’s strong suit. Take Erica for example. After Bianca came out, Erica eventually showed some maturity. Erica was actually able to step outside herself and show compassion for Reggie and Lily. She managed to get past her own issues to forge a relationship with Kendall. Erica is the one who came up with the Banyan tree metaphor for the combining of the Montgomery and Kane families. Erica was still a narcissist, that will never change. However, Erica was more interesting because she was a narcissist who had, finally, started to grow up.

Well, all that growth has been shot to hell over the past few months. No wonder Jeff is enthralled with Erica, she has regressed to the same immaturity level she had when they met. Erica has gone from being a devoted stepmother to an adolescent feeling abandoned at her own party. Yes, Jackson dared to go to the ER to be with Lily. If Jack is going to behave in such a callous fashion, he just does not deserve a woman as rare and wonderful as Erica now does he?

Erica is back to smacking her lips, tossing her hair and rubbing her thighs. It no longer makes her look like the cutest trick in town, it makes her look pathetic.

As drunk as he was, JR did not look pathetic to me, just sad. A few days ago JR was looking at houses with his wife and planning for more kids. Now he was facing death by gazelle at the Valley Inn.

Yes, JR has done some terrible things but when he said “Miranda, Miranda, the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” this cynic choked up a bit. No one deserves what Babe, Krystal, Jamie, Tad, David, Liza, Brooke, and Joe did to JR. Yes, JR should find a better way to deal with his pain than drinking and causing havoc, but people need to stop treating him like he deserved all the horrible things that happened to him.

At least Bianca had the decency to realize perhaps she could have kept the compassion going with JR a little longer, but apparently she can only talk for 10 minutes without becoming sanctimonious. Binky cannot help it, it’s in her genes, the ones she inherited from Travis.

So now we have a possible explanation for the Annie/Emma DNA mystery. Chimera. It works for me. It won’t work for Tad and Dixie but I do not really care. Any nostalgia I may have had for Tad and Dixie disappeared months and months ago.

Surprisingly, Ryan made me nostalgic this week with the words, “When I first came to Pine Valley.” It reminded me how much I really liked Ryan when he first showed up. Helping Kelsey with her various plans, running a kickback scheme at WRCW and just generally being an adorable rogue. Of course that was when he was Patrick Curry’s son, not Patrick Lavery’s, maybe that’s what caused him to morph into the pretty much unbearable character he is today.

Oh, and just because it’s bugging me, why does everyone mention Jeff’s second wife, Mary, but never mention his third, Dr. Christina Karras (who was played by the wonderful Robin Strasser)?

Will this week’s spoilers have us wishing we had followed JR out the window? Let’s see:

The rumble continues at PVH.

When Babe enters his hospital room, JR’s blood pressure shoots sky high.

But does it shoot as high as mine does every time Babe appears on screen?

A tearful and remorseful Babe opens her heart to Kendall and Binks.

Wow, this ought to be something to see considering Babe has the biggest heart ever. No really, just ask her Momma.

Bianca tells Babe that Josh saved JR’s life. Bianca then tells her brother not to give up on the woman he loves.

I could probably stomach all this if Binky’s only point was that people in love should be together. Unfortunately, her speech will undoubtedly be peppered with several servings of “JR is evil.”

Palmer joins his pal Adam in insisting that Babe be barred from JR’s room.

I love it when Adam and old Pete Cooney work together. For me, their teamwork was the highlight of the Michael Cambias murder mystery.

Jeff announces that only JR’s bio-parents, Adam and Dixie, can visit him.

“Why do you have to do what I say? Because Erica kissed me, that’s why!”

Tad sneaks into JR’s room and begs him to fight for his life. Tad tells him that Lil ‘A and Dixie need him.

I could chastise Tad for sneaking into the room but, really, compared to burying a man alive, what’s a little secret visit?

Wonder of wonders, JR wakes up! The first thing he does is tell his parents that he wants Babe nowhere him or Lil ‘A.

At last, JR has his priorities straight.

Proving there is justice in PV, the courts grant Adam custody of his grandson. Adam throws Babe to the curb.

I just could not type “Lil ‘A” again. Some viewers wish that Spike would get a real name, but honestly, I’ll take “Spike” over “Lil ‘A” any day. “Spike” has verve; “Lil ‘A” is a playground whipping just waiting to happen.

Meanwhile, down the hall at the DNA lab:

Tad and Dixie find out that Emma is Emma, not Kate.

Well, that’s good news and bad news. Good news for Emma and bad news for viewers. More anguished Dixie is never a good thing.

Emma is not having such a good day after all. Family Services believes that Annie kidnapped Emma from her biological parents. Annie is told that Emma has to go into foster care until her “real” parents are found.

Well, I hope Tad and Dixie are happy now. (Yes, I know David set this whole thing in motion, but you are sadly mistaken if you think I am going to spend his last PV days blaming him for anything.)

Annie and Ryan beg Jeff to do some more DNA testing so they can prove Annie is Emma’s mother.

Does Ryan even know Jeff? Wouldn’t it make more sense for Ryan to go to Joe for help? Where is Joe these days?

Annie lashes out at Julia.

Does Annie even know Julia? Granted I often want to slap Julia, but at least I know her.

Meanwhile, just down the hall from the DNA lab:

Jack and Erica fight about Jeff.

“Oh, Jack, I thought you understood me and it turns out you don’t understand me at all. So what if I kissed Jeff? You know we were once married.” (Accompanied by much hair tossing and thigh rubbing.)

“Oh, I understand you, Erica, in fact, I understand you perfectly. I understand you even more today than I did when you had sex with Mike Roy while we were engaged.”

“Oh, Jack, so what if I gave Mike the time of his life? You know we were once married. Well, sort of once married..” (Erica is so busy hair tossing and thigh rubbing she doesn’t notice Jack rolling his eyes. Come to think of it, when was the last time Erica noticed Jack?)

Erica refuses to move home.

I still think Jack needed to marry Erica to get her out of his system. Is she out of your system yet, Jack?

Other stuff happens, too:

Di teams up with Aidan to search for Kate.

I would love it if Di was the one to find Kate, if only to prove she is the superior Hunkle sister.

Jamie tells Julia that he cares for her. Deeply. Turns out Julia feels the same way about him. Hot sex ensues.

This is actually kind of sweet, but I think Julia’s days in PV are numbered. (It’s nothing I know, it’s just something I think.)

David tells Dixie that Krystal is pregnant with Tad’s baby, not Adam’s.

This is a tough one for me. I loathe Dixie but if she can make Krystal’s life a living hell, even for a moment, then more power to her.

David proceeds to tell Dixie that he knew all along that Emma wasn’t Kate. David manufactured the test results showing Tad to be the father. He then explains to Dixie exactly why he did it.

Because he could? Because it was fun? Because he thought it would make me happy?

Oh, those AMC actors.

One Lavery down, two to go. Connie Fletcher (Erin) has been “released” from her contract.

I did not care for Erin, but I wish Ms. Fletcher success in her next role.

More disturbing than her departure is the rumor that she will fall victim to a serial killer that will soon be coming to PV. Simone is rumored to be his first victim, followed by Erin and then others. I am getting an uneasy “Loving” vibe from this rumor. And really, what says “Happy Holidays” more than a serial killer?

If you have been missing Zarf, your prayers are about to be answered. Jeffrey Carlson will be returning as the jello shot swilling rocker in the next month or so. It’s a contract role, so expect him to be the center of at least one story.

As I recall, Zarf pretty much adored Babe. If there is one thing we cannot get too much of it’s Babe adoration, right? Why is Simone leaving? She and Zarf could make a fun couple.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!