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For the week of April 17, 2006

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I have one of those AMC headaches again. My head hurts from trying to figure out how Jack is responsible for all the problems his family has endured over the past several months.  It must be true because Erica said so, right? 

I just do not remember Jack encouraging Josh to drug Erica. Nor do I remember Jack forcing Kendall to get pregnant with the Lavery spawn. I do not remember Jack bringing Jonathan into Lily’s life. Does Jack choose those horrendous clothes for Erica and Kendall? Funny, I do not remember seeing Jack shopping. I do not remember Jack encouraging Greg in his embryo implantation experiments. In fact weren’t Jack and Travis still hanging out on Edisto Island during Erica’s marriage to Jeff?  I do not even remember the scenes where Jack told Erica that poisoning Greg was a swell idea.  

Here is what I do remember: I remember that Erica blames everyone and everything when things go wrong. If I remember that, why doesn’t Jack? 

I have enjoyed Erica over the years. “Enjoyed” is not to be confused with “liked.” I have seldom, if ever, liked Erica. I enjoy the constancy of her narcissism. It’s reliable. The rest of PV can be in shambles but Erica’s narcissism stands tall and true.  Pine Valley would not be the same without Erica. Every soap needs a diva.  

I just wish PV’s diva had a working brain. What was Erica thinking when she told Jack, “Please don’t start bashing the Laverys now.”? 

My question is why isn’t Erica bashing the Laverys, too? If not for Ryan’s selfish behavior, Kendall would not be pregnant.  If not for Ryan’s narcissistic need to be right about Jonathan, Erica’s daughters would not have been terrorized.  If not for Ryan, Jonathan would not have been out and about murdering Erica’s good friend Edmund. If not for Ryan’s sister, Aidan would be free to date Lily (did you know she was about to turn 18?). 

Erica is not Lavery bashing for one reason. When Ryan looks at Erica he reflects back her own perfect image of herself.  When she sees that perfect image she cannot turn away.  

Jack, unfortunately, too often thinks of Erica as somewhat human. As do Kendall, Tad, Myrtle and the rest of PV. Erica will worship Ryan as long as he worships her perfection. The day that changes, Erica will start blaming Ryan for everything that’s wrong in her life. The day she turns on Ryan might be the day I start liking Erica. 

These days liking Kendall is difficult. I do not know whether to slap her or feel sorry for her.  That chick is out of control. Her behavior has me wondering what Madden is putting in her prenatal vitamins.  It’s true that Greg is a master manipulator but his Kendall manipulations only work because no one is telling her the truth.  Zach keeps the Kate-secret to protect Dixie. Ryan and Tad keep the Josh-secret to protect Erica. Erica keeps the Josh-secret to protect herself. (Yes, Erica says the Josh truth would be devastating for everyone, but we all know deep down she means devastating for her.) Despite her recent actions, Kendall is not an idiot. If someone she loves gives her proof of Greg’s evil deeds, she might just believe it.  In fact I think the Kate-secret would carry more weight with her than the secret about Josh.  The story of Josh’s parentage might make Greg seem like a hero to Kendall. Dixie’s story, if true, is different.  There is no way to make a child-stealing doctor into a hero.  After all, Greg is a Madden not a Martin. 

Hey, maybe I do still like Kendall a little bit, it’s the people around her I cannot stand. 

Back to Erica and Jack for a moment. If Jack doesn’t let Lily see Jonathan, he is being “intolerant and vindictive.” However when Erica paid Rain to leave town, she was being a good mother trying to protect Bianca. This begs the question, does Erica really believe a lesbian is a more harmful presence that a murdering woman beater? Ah well, it’s Erica’s world, everyone else just lives in it. 

Let’s step away from the Kane/Montgomerys and visit the Chandlers. 

Jonathan is not the only one to have had part of his brain removed, I am convinced Adam did, too.  First, there is the nauseating nonsense about wanting to knock up Krystal. Then he accuses JR of being Babe-whipped in front of CE’s Board of Directors. Oh Adam, if anyone is Carey-whipped, it’s you. And it’s a sad sorry sight. 

I am already feeling JR’s pain when he finds out DixieBitch is alive. He will have the right to feel betrayed, hurt and angry. How long before DixieBitch blames his negative reaction on having been raised by Adam? Five minutes? 

Now, a few non-sequiturs: 

Terri Ivens did a great job showing us Simone’s pain. Of course Simone was in pain, not only is Ethan dead but people kept giving her reminders of his death while she was at work. 

On the other hand, it was fairly stupid of Simone to tell Kendall that Ryan thought Erin would be a great addition to Fusion. Ryan giving a reference to a sibling is hardly reliable, now is it? 

Fusion is the oddest company. Everyone seems to have a private workspace except the three owners. They sit out front running the company and playing receptionist. Why doesn’t Fusion have a receptionist anyway? 

Why didn’t the flashing RED lights on Aidan’s pinball machine bother Lily?  If AMC can make up an embryo transplant story why can’t they make up an operation where green lenses are implanted in Lily’s eyes? Let’s end this “ red makes Lily freak out except when it doesn’t” nonsense. 

Did anyone else laugh out loud when Aidan told Jonathan he should start dating other women?  I would love to see his Match.com ad: SWM, 30 seeks SWF, ages 25-30 ( or 17).  If you are looking for a man who used to do bad things, like murder, but doesn’t do them any more, I am the guy for you. If you’re looking for someone almost ready to graduate from Life Skills class that’s me. If you are looking for man who will never ever be your emotional or intellectual equal I am the guy for you.  If you are looking for a guy with incredibly irritating relatives then I’m your man. If your idea of a dream home is a one-room tree house without plumbing, I am the guy for you. If you want to see my brother’s collection of clown nose, give me a call. If the man of your dreams wears more eyeliner than you do, here he is! Is Primal Fear your favorite movie? Let’s make popcorn and watch it together! 

I could swear when Adam offered Krystal a drink, he said Singapore Slut instead of Singapore Sling. 

DixieBitch made a lovely sight bending over Madden’s desk didn’t she? That vision made me wonder, once again, why no one noticed that Di as Faux Dixie was far less endowed than DixieBitch? 

It is the wardrobe department’s job to make Kendall look believably pregnant. Why then do they dress her so we can see the outline of faux pregnancy bump? In that blue dress we could see not only the outlines of where the faux bump was attached to her hips, but the strap was visible above the back of her dress. Sloppy. Sloppy. Sloppy. 

Tad has seen Dixie. What will happen next? Maybe David should tell Tad it’s not really Dixie it’s just a sex doll made in her image. David can then offer to order one for Tad. 

Will this week’s spoilers make our heads hurt or not? Let’s see: 

Ta da, it’s DixieBitch! 

When Tad first sees DixieBitch, he doesn’t know what to say. 

Here’s a suggestion, “Now I know why Kate calls you DixieBitch.” 

At first Tad thinks the woman before him is another FauxDixie. 

He soon realizes it’s really her when she starts spewing the usual DixieBitch crap. 

Slowly it dawns on Tad that DixieBitch did not want him to know she was alive.  

Trust me, Tad, you were better off thinking she was dead. 

Tad thinks DixieBitch came back to PV to be with David. 
 

Trust me, Tad, she’s not that smart. 

After the truth slowly dawns on Tad, he accuses DixieBitch of abandoning JR. 

Is that better or worse than letting JR believe his son was dead?  I think it’s worse because if JR had known his mother was alive, he would have never married Babe. If JR had not married Babe, Krystal would not have come to PV. Excuse me while I go slap DixieBitch senseless. 

Tad tells DixieBitch that she is still dead to him. 

Wouldn’t it be great if Tad could hold on to that thought? 

David does not react kindly when DixieBitch tells Tad she does not have feelings for David. 

She is not worth it, David, she is just not worth it. Why don’t you come over here and experience a woman who is worth it? 

An angry David tells JR and Jamie that DixieBitch is alive. Di happens to be in the room at the time. 

The only thought that could be running through Di’s mind is “Shit!!” 

The boys threaten to throw David out a window unless he recants his DixieBitch story. 

David and Vincent Irizarry deserve a much better story than this one. I would rather see him in cahoots with Greg than this. 

Jamie goes drinking and punches a drunk. 

Would it be too much to hope that the drunk is DixieBitch? 

Di confesses to Tad that she knew DixieBitch was alive. She hopes Tad can forgive her. He walks out on her. 

Hmm, Di was keeping DixieBitch’s secret because DixieBitch is “family.” Tad kept the Lil’A/Mirabess secret because Jamie is “family.” How do those two differ? Silly me, it’s because Tad’s “family” is the Martins. 

Meanwhile Adam and Krystal are more than a little surprised when DixieBitch arrives at Casa Chandler. 

Probably not as shocked as DixieBitch is to discover the thing Adam married this time.

JR and Babe are out of town so there is no mother/son reunion.  

That’s a good thing. A very good thing. 

Adam tells Tad that JR will be better off believing his mother is still dead. 

Oh, Adam, we all would be better off believing that. 

Tad tells Adam that if they don’t tell JR the truth, someone else will. 

After all, they do live in Pine Valley. 

Adam tells DixieBitch to leave town. When she refuses, he threatens her with a gun. 

Now, that’s the Adam I love. 

Oh look, it’s the Maddening crowd. 

Erica and Greg continue their verbal tango about Josh. 

Oh, how I wish we could see Greg really tango. Ian Buchanan is very good at that. 

Exhausted from dancing with Erica, Greg has another arrhythmia episode. 

Shall we start the “how does Greg die?” pool now?

Will it be a heart attack? Will it be murder? Will it from the embarrassment of being stuck in this storyline? 

Zach tells Kendall about Greg stealing a woman’s child. 

Oh, Zach, you should know vague truths just don’t work with Kendall. I swear that every time a man spends time with DixieBitch, his IQ drops. A lot. 

Kendall is missing. Everyone suspects Greg knows where she is. Greg denies knowing anything even though he has sent her to his own island to relax. 

Every other soap has had a secluded island story, why not AMC? 

Erica’s anger with Jack escalates when she discovers he is siding with Kendall instead of Ryan. 

That damn Jack. He is acting as if Kendall is his daughter. No wonder Erica is upset. 

Other stuff happens, too. 

Babe tells Janet that she really does love JR. 

A Janet scene! A Janet scene! A Janet scene! Did I mention there is a Janet scene this week? 

Josh’s bedside manner impresses both Joe and Julia. 

A Martin impressing another Martin is hardly surprising.  Josh impressing Nurse Julia is another thing altogether. 

Before David told the boys about DixieBitch, JR and Jamie were initiating Di into the family. 

Well, I know what my pornographic scene looks like, how about you? 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!