For the week of January 16, 2006

It doesn’t happen often but some weeks I have trouble starting this column. This is one of those weeks. To clear my head and hope for inspiration, I took a walk along the shore of the Pine Valley ocean/lake/pond/reservoir/sewage treatment plant. In the distance I heard some ducks:

 

          KWAK! QUACK! KWAK! QUACK! KWAK!

 

Well, if Mother Nature thinks I should begin by talking about Krystal, who am I to argue?

 

Let me just acknowledge that yes, Adam did have Dixie committed. Yes, Adam did that to get what he wanted which was total custody of JR. And yes, if one day Adam found himself being falsely committed it would be a day of karmic reckoning.

 

That day has yet to come. Krystal having him committed this week was a joke. And not the funny kind, either. It was merely stupid and childish. But what more could I expect from Krystal?  Finesse?  In Adam’s pre-Carey days, his plans always had finesse. That’s what made them so darn enjoyable to watch.  Finesse made Palmer’s plans enjoyable, too. And when Adam and Pete Cooney were plotting against each other, it was a double dose of diabolical delight.

 

Having Adam and Palmer fight over Krystal diminishes both male characters. It’s not doing much to change my opinion of Krystal, either. She remains a trashy woman who believes she is entitled to whatever she wants. “You’re scared to death you are going to lose your empire.”  Ahh, Krystal, Krystal, you a right about one thing, it is Adam’s empire. An empire he built from nothing. And one night of flat backing does not entitle you to any part of it.

 

“To know her is to know nothing.” That’s right, Adam. To know Krystal is to know nothing, certainly nothing interesting.

 

This could have been different of course. Bobbie Eakes and David Canary have good comedic chemistry.  It is also clear that Krystal and Adam lust after one another. (Why Adam? Why?) Why not show them falling in love with each other?  They could be shown fighting their attraction with some humor, just not with moronic behavior. That kind of story could also add some previously unseen dimension to Krystal as well. Since it is clear that she is not leaving PV soon, giving Krystal some growth as a character might just make her scenes more palatable.

 

(This storyline has taught me to be careful what I wish for. For years I have been saying I want more Palmer and look at what I got. Yikes.)

 

The best part about this storyline was when the nickname KWAK was acknowledged by TPTB. Now if they would just acknowlege how many viewers want KWAK gone from the Valley.

 

Now that I have dealt with KWAK, let’s move on to QUACK.  I am referring to the resident who had Adam committed. On what planet was that believable? Even on the planet where Janet resides that would be a stretch. When Adam had Dixie committed he had to payoff a psychiatrist, among other things. Apparently all one has to do at PVH is flash some cleavage and the deal is done.

 

Although perhaps the resident heard from a colleague that Krystal would drop to her knees to get what she wanted.  That’s the only explanation one could, umm, swallow.

 

Dr. Joe isn’t quite a quack but he is not that far from being one, either. A few weeks ago he refused to take real responsibility for David winding up on the OR table.  He doesn’t seem all that invested in finding out how it happened, does he? One would think that he would move with a bit more speed and determination on that one. Especially considering how important “the integrity of this hospital” is to Joe. Once the DNA switch was revealed, did PVH have any integrity left?  I guess Joe needs to worry about the hospital’s integrity since his personal integrity was lost once he kept the Mirabess secret.

 

Joe also really did not take his share of the responsibility for Adam’s faux commitment, either. Essentially he said it was Adam’s fault because “you cannot threaten the doctors and patients in this hospital.” If those are the guidelines why hasn’t Ryan been committed? Or JR? Both have threatened ER personal more than once.

 

I want David and Adam to sue PVH. Seeing these two sworn enemies team up for a common goal could be fun. When they win, Adam could rename the facility, The Adam Chandler and-don’t-you-forget-it- Hospital. David of course would be Chief-of-Staff.

 

Joe would be one unhappy man when he lost his job.

 

And I would be one happy woman.

 

Simone is one happy woman these days, but that won’t last. Ethan’s recent actions pretty much guarantee Simone’s unhappiness. Ethan seems to have forgotten the reason his relationship with Kendall ended, that he broke promises to her. He has made promises to Simone about his Daddy issues and he is breaking them.

 

I am confused about why Ethan is teaming up with Ryan to destroy Zach. Didn’t Ethan and Zach reach some sort of détente? Conciliation was in the air. Or did I hallucinate that?

 

What Ethan and Ryan do have in common is selective amnesia.  Ethan “some fathers aren’t familiar with that concept” seems to have forgotten that Zach disappeared without knowing that Ethan’s mother was pregnant.  Zach made it clear that had he known about the pregnancy he would have stayed, Cambias curse be dammed.

 

Then we have Ryan who did not disagree with Ethan’s statement “I do not remember him (Zach) doing a whole lot of favors for you either.”  If getting false identification papers, arranging for transportation and providing travel money don’t count for favors, what does?

 

Together they have forgotten the heartbreak they each caused Kendall.

 

Yes, they are doing this all to protect Kendall from the evil Zach.

 

Yeah, right. Ryan is only interested in Kendall because she is carrying his child. If Kendall weren’t pregnant, Ryan really would not care about her at all.

And Ethan is just concerned that his father will make Kendall happier, in all ways, than he ever could.

 

They both need help with their “issues.” Is Simone’s father still in town?

 

We can assume Zeke McMillan is still around because his shoes have not been found loitering in the hall.  I am very impressed with Janet. Unzipping Brooke’s boots was one thing; untying Joe’s shoes without being discovered was something else quite again.

 

It was relief to see Adam’s empty shoes. I was afraid that Janet’s purpose in Pine Valley was to take out everyone who hangs around the back burner.

 

It turns out her purpose is far more dastardly. Seems her purpose is to drum up more sympathy for poor little lamb Jonathan. By setting him up for her crimes, Jonathan becomes the victim. Worse than that, Ryan will be relentless in letting everyone know he was right about his brother. Janet’s return deserved better.

 

(If Janet kidnaps Ryan, how will people know? From the clown nose lying in the deserted hallway, that’s how.)

 

All roads seem to be leading to Jonathan’s redemption. Finding Lil’A in the manger. Julia being sweet and kind to the person who murdered her brother-in-law. Stuart giving his stamp of approval in the form of a free Christmas tree.  Saving Di from drowning (“He’s a little lost but he’s sweet.”)

 

If we are to believe Ryan, Jonathan is not only sweet, but he is operating on the level of a fifteen year old. Fifteen years old everywhere should be insulted.

 

We are now to accept that because Jonathan is sweet, a little lost, and fifteen it is OK for Lily to be his girlfriend. Lily who saw Jonathan kill Edmund. Jonathan held Lily captive and terrorized her, but hey, that’s no reason why they can’t go steady.

 

“I’ve had sex lots of times. It was fun.” Well, I am glad you had fun Jonathan. How much fun did your girlfriends have when they discovered your idea of fore and after play was to smack them around?

 

I guess I am just being unkind and cruel to think that Lily should be kept away from Jonathan, no matter what it takes.

 

The whole thing really makes me sick. There is only one way this story could be even partially redeemed:

 

Lily and Jonathan are outside BJs. Jonathan starts to get rough with Lily, scaring her. Aidan hears Lily’s screams. He finds them and throws Jonathan into rush hour traffic. Aidan and Lily then have this conversation:

 

Aidan: Are you all right, Lily?

 

Lily: Yes, I am. I guess I shouldn’t even try to have a boyfriend until I find someone just like you, Aidan.

 

Aidan: I agree my dear Lily. Could you refresh my memory, please? When exactly do you turn 18?

 

It won’t happen that way, but I would love it if it did. Watching Aidan and Lily never once made me vomit.

 

Now for this week’s non sequiturs

 

Does Ethan’s office remind anyone else of the Dragon’s lair? It even has the same potted palms and the weird thing in the corner. Is that a photographer’s light? A satellite dish?  Or something the aliens left behind after probing both the Dragon and Ethan?

 

“A man has needs. And a man in love has BIG needs.”  Ahh, Zach, many viewers have already figured out that many things are BIG about you. Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

 

“Happiness that will lead to heartache.” Well of course it will, Erica, this is Pine Valley.  Happiness only leads to two places in PV, either heartache or the back burner.

 

Now that Anita and Aidan have had “the talk” will we ever see her again? Do we care?

 

“He has a hell of a lot more impulse control than Ryan Lavery.”  Jack gets points for stating the obvious to Erica. The obvious that she refuses to see.

 

“Most women don’t leave til they taste my French toast.” Man, not only does David have the sexiest forearms in PV, he cooks, too.

 

“I want to put Cambias on the map.” I thought Cambias-the-Elder already did that. Has Ethan screwed things up that much?

 

“I’d really like a handout.” I have a strong dislike for the Life Skills class and the way Julia teaches it.  This line made it almost bearable.

 

“What fresh hell is this?” Oh Erica how can I hate a woman who quotes Dorothy Parker? (That quote was once my answering message. For some reason people found it misanthropic. Me, misanthropic? )

 

“What would you like to eat tonight?” I am going to help you out here, Erin. When Aidan asks that question the correct response is “Spotted dick.”

 

Has Ruth noticed that Joe is missing? Why hasn’t anyone noticed that Ruth has been missing for quite awhile herself?

 

“Did I just get ditched?” It was funny the way Del said that like it had never happened to him before.

 

“I don’t know much cheese is left on his cracker.” Spotted dick is just down right adorable isn’t he?

 

AMC’s make-up department did a great job of making Di actually look like she was really sick. It’s easier to believe a character is near death when lip-gloss is nowhere in evidence.

 

“Everybody hates me.” Based on the mail I receive, I’d have to agree with you on that one Jonathan.

 

Now to the spoilers. This week will the writers have enough cheese on their crackers or not?

 

Let’s start by joining Janet on her planet:

 

Janet kidnaps Krystal.

 

Just when I thought I could not love Janet more, she goes and does this.

 

Palmer finds Tad and tells him Opal is missing.

 

I will enjoy this simply because it is a Palmer scene that does not involve Krystal.

 

When Babe and JR come up for air they notice Adam and Krystal are missing. JR comforts Babe.

 

But does Babe comfort JR? Excuse me, I forgot that Krystal is a loving parent and Adam is an evil one.

 

Janet uses laughing gas to subdue her captives; she then puts them in quicksand.

 

This is the second time Brooke has found herself in quicksand. This may be a record for a soap character.

 

Janet continues to play tricks with Jonathan’s mind.

 

I thought surgery already did that?

 

Janet pays a surprise visit to Amanda. Amanda starts to think that Mom may be off her meds. She starts to harbor suspicions that Janet may be responsible for all the terrible things that have recently happened in PV.

 

Not all the recent terrible things that have happened. After all Janet had nothing to do with Laverys showing up, now did she?

 

Tad suspects Amanda is behind all the heinous things that have happened.

 

“But Tad I don’t even own a pair of making heinous things happen panties!”

 

Julia joins the mess that is Kendall/Zach/Ryan:

 

Julia and Ryan have another good time together.

 

Julia, is Ryan as outrageous as David? Thought not.

 

Across town, Kendall and Zach fall deeper in love.

 

Why do I think Ryan would ditch Julia in a heartbeat if he knew that was happening?

 

Zach is less than happy when he learns that Ethan hired Ryan and his expertise to help run Cambias. Zach tells Kendall that he will not seek revenge.

 

“Kendall, my main problem is that I did not even know Cambias made clown noses!”

 

As her feelings for Ryan grow, Julia is worried that Zach may hurt Ryan.

 

To avoid that, Julia, I think you and the Laverys should move to California. Or anywhere that is not Pine Valley. Please.

 

It dawns on Kendall that Julia is falling in love with Ryan when Julia warns her not to cause trouble between Ryan and Zach.

 

Can’t a pregnant woman catch a break in this town?

 

Meanwhile Ethan tells his father to stay away from Ryan and Kendall. Ethan makes his vendetta against Zach pretty clear. Zach realizes that Ethan still harbors deep resentment towards Zach.

 

Zach thinks to himself: “ I am confused about why Ethan is teaming up with Ryan to destroy me. Didn’t Ethan and I reach some sort of détente? Conciliation was in the air. Or did I hallucinate that?”

 

Ryan informs Kendall that he wants legal rights to “his” child.

 

Why Kendall even deals with him is beyond me. Her masochism must run deeper than I thought.

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Tad tells Di that although he cannot forgive her, he has deep feelings for her.

 

This is just the relationship position the Martin men prefer; that of moral superiority over their partner.

 

Simone and Ethan set their wedding date.

 

“That date sounds good to me, Simone. Only thing on my calendar is revenge against my father, that bloody rotter.”

 

“  But Ethan dear, I am confused about why you are teaming up with Ryan to destroy Zach. Didn’t you and Zach reach some sort of détente? Conciliation was in the air. Or did I hallucinate that?” 

 

The ABC exec suggests that Josh be Erica’s co- host on New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?).

 

It could be worse Erica. ABC could have suggested one of the women from The View as your co-host. 

 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!