For the week of January 23, 2006




Brooke’s declaration of  “Quicksand!”  brought back some good memories. Brooke and quicksand first became acquainted in the early 90’s. Brooke and Edmund were working on exposing the Willow Lake real estate scam. Brooke got a little too close to the truth and thus a little too close to the quicksand.  As I recall, Edmund saved her.  It was a fun story.  For me, that story’s best part was Edmund pretending to be Phoebe’s gigolo, complete with a really bad accent. Eddie and Phebs together were gold. (John Callahan could be really funny; it’s too bad that the writers lost sight of that.)


The tiny truck sinking into oatmeal also brought back a Julia Barr memory. In an interview in one of the soap mags, she talked about how oatmeal, lots and lots of oatmeal, was used to simulate the quicksand.  According to Ms. Barr not only was the oatmeal really cold but it took days to remove it from various body parts.  (At least I think it was Ms. Barr. If I am wrong I am sure someone will let me know.)


Ms. Barr must be happy that there is now a truck between Brooke and the quicksand.  Thanks to the nitrous oxide there were no barriers between the disparate characters marooned in the truck.  Opal becoming way too enthralled with Joe’s hands was particularly entertaining.  It reminded me of when Opal became way too enthralled with chocolate while under the influence of Libidizone.  Opal is wonderful, why don’t we see her more often?


Ray MacDonnell was so funny that I forgot how much I dislike Joe. He hasn’t been allowed to strut his comedic stuff since he and Erica discussed their “love child.”  This side of Joe is wonderful, why don’t we see it more often?


“I’m sorry for being a faithless husband.” It’s about time Adam said that to Brooke. And Brooke’s response, that neither of their sons would have been born had he been faithful, was gracious and heartfelt. Brooke and Adam are wonderful, why don’t we see them together more often?


“My daughter does not possess a criminal mind.”  Krystal wasn’t even under the influence of laughing gas when she said that. Krystal is so irritating, and not in a good way, why do we see her so often?


Krystal’s distortion of reality aside, the truck scenes have been entertaining.  It’s great seeing Brooke, Opal and Joe off the backburner. So great in fact that I am not going to ask how Janet managed to get everyone into the truck all by herself.


That’s the upside to this story. The downside is Jonathan as Janet’s victim. Janet’s actions are supposed to make us feel sorry for him.  Janet spent time in prison for killing Will Cortland. Being severely mentally ill did not excuse her crime. Why should a brain tumor excuse Jonathan’s? 


What comes next in Jonathan-as-an-innocent story? Does Steve’s widow hire him as a nanny for their kids?  Does Dimitri make a brief return? “It wasn’t your fault that you killed Edmund. In fact, now that I am short a sibling, will you be my brother, Jonathan?”


Maybe if it takes this much effort to redeem a character, the character is not worth redeeming.



Some characters are beyond total redemption, and all the more interesting for it. One example is David. It is true that David has done many unforgivable things. It is also true that the Universe has done many terrible things to David (Vanessa as his mother, his father’s suicide, Frankie’s death, Leo’s death, Leora’s death, Anna’s leaving, finding out Babe is his daughter). These terrible things done to David do not excuse the terrible things he has done to others. Nor should they. David is a tortured person who often does tortuous things to others. I would not have him any other way. And it would disappoint me if TPTB continually bashed me over the head to see David as innocent.


Tortured characters interest me. Petulant ones? Not so much.  Which brings me to Ethan and Ryan’s alliance. To paraphrase Palmer, “Ryan and Ethan are not men, they are boys.”  Make that two immature boys who, rather than facing their own shortcomings, prefer to get revenge on Zach. Why don’t they just give Zach a wedgie and be done with it?


Now for this week’s non sequiturs:


“Could it be my Fusion Shimmer Stick?”  Having Krystal not being able to tell the difference between a Fusion scent and gas was hardly a ringing endorsement for Fusion products.


Julia: “I’m a nurse.”

Kendall: “You’re a bitch.”

   No need to quibble here ladies. I have no doubts that Julia can multi-task allowing her to be both a nurse and a bitch.


“He’s so good. I need to be on his level.”  If Amanda really thinks Jamie is that far above her on the goodness scale, then she is as nuts as her mother.


“Remember those damn Venusians?”  Another fond memory, this one provided by Palmer. Who could forget Opal dressing as a Venusian instead of a Venetian?  Love her either way.


“You were a journalist?”  True, Ethan and Simone have a very active sex life but I did assume that from time to time they had conversations. Conversations that would include things like, “Do you like Thai food?” or “What did you do before Fusion?” or “Are you gay or just British?” or “Enough about me and Zach, Simone. How do you get along with your father?”


When did Zach remove the alarms from his office? Must have been around the same time he had the security cameras taken out. Of course perhaps Ryan caused the alarm to melt by simply staring at it.


Has Wildwind’s name been changed to Bleak House? Is that the reason for Julia’s recent wardrobe? (Smoothed back hair (was that a snood?) and a long black (horsehair?) dress.)


These remarks from Janet have me convinced that she put Trevor on ice, one way or another:


“I could be blonde like your Aunt Natalie. I am sure your father would like me better that way.”


“I would have to go away again. I couldn’t do that.”


Did Trevor try to have Janet committed again? Did Janet kill him? Or have him committed instead?


And why, why does Amanda never speak to Tim?


 “It is fair, Kendall. I can think of a hundred different times when everything was cool between you and me, and then I get on your bad side and you go off. Like the time you were so upset when I gave Greenlee half of Cambias. You tried to expose us as frauds to the board. Like the time that you slept with my brother. Kendall, I could keep going and going and going.”


Unfortunately Ryan himself keeps going and going and going.  Forgetting that Kendall told the board that Ryan’s marriage to Greenlee was a true marriage.  Forgetting the hundred times that he was horrible to her. And overlooking that despite the way Ryan has treated her, Kendall has been more than willing to let him be part of her pregnancy.  His recent actions don’t play as concern about the mother of his child but more as an arrogant guy harassing a pregnant woman.


What was the most surprising thing that happened this week? Amanda baking while fully clothed, that’s what. (She might have been wearing her “I love to bake cookies when my crazy mother does something crazy” panties but at least we did not have to see them.)


“I like you, Julia, you make me laugh.” Gee, David, that’s one of the reasons I like you, you make me laugh.


I am confused. I know Dr. Madden-ing told Kendall she could not have sexual intercourse, but I do not remember him telling her that orgasms were forbidden.  I would love a scene where both Kendall and Zach are in bed together naked. Kendall turns to Zach and says, “Wow, if intercourse is half as good as that, I cannot wait!” (Of course in my fantasy Kendall says something other than intercourse, but I doubt the ABC censors would allow that.)


“Stop embarrassing yourself.”  When Marion said that to Palmer, I could swear I heard viewers across the country stand up and cheer. Marion is truly wonderful, why don’t we see her more often?


Will this week’s spoilers have us wanting to sink the writers in quicksand or not? Let’s see:


The Casino Capers continue:


Zach is on the way to his office, when Ethan and Simone deliberately distract him.


“No, you are not wearing suspenders with your wedding tuxedo.” “Yeah, yeah, well, I don’t have to do what you say because my father, who’s right over there,  is a bigger meany than yours!” “Well, that may be true but my brother is in a coma.” “You have a brother?”


Zach figures out that Ryan is the one who broke into his office.


That’s what Ryan gets for leaving his clown nose behind.


Simone, Ryan and Ethan figure out that the plans stolen from Zach’s office are for the PV power grid.


I bet Simone lets the two guys think they figured it out. Let’s face it; she is the brains in that group.


Simone realizes that Zach truly cares about his son.


See, I told you she was the brains.


 Ryan believes that Zach caused the rolling blackouts so that Kendall could not carry a little Lavery.


Zach tried to do the world a favor, is there something wrong with that?


Ryan gets Tad and Di to help him uncover the truth about Zach.


That Zach is smarter, funnier and more interesting than Ryan?  That Zach is smarter, funnier and more interesting than Tad? Given the BIG secret Di is keeping, isn’t a little hypocritical to want to dig up Zach’s secrets?


Over at the quasi-connubial condos:


Zach asks Kendall to marry him again.


“What do you say we make these totally connubial condos? Will you marry me again?”


Kendall agrees to marry Zach again.


Which means Zach’s secrets will be revealed at any moment now. Let me rephrase that: any moment once February Sweeps get here.


Kendall asks Zach if he is keeping any secrets from her. He says “No.”


I guess Zach forgot that February Sweeps are right around the corner.


Ryan is disappointed to learn that the Slaters are planning to remarry.


Yeah, well not as disappointed as I would have been if Kendall had accepted Ryan’s proposal. Oh, wait that wasn’t a proposal, was it?  It was more like an order. 


Ryan is relieved when Kendall signs papers giving him parental rights.


The only way this storyline could bring me relief is if Ryan is not really the biodad.  I was hoping for a miscarriage but if that happened somehow everyone would blame Zach. Even if he were out of the country when it happened, he would still get blamed.


Meanwhile over at New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?):


Erica decides to host a Mardi Gras Ball as a fundraiser for victims of Hurricane Katrina.


It’s been too long since PV had a real party. And a costume party is always a fun soap thing. The masks, the mistaken identities, the stolen kisses, the costumes, and the dancing. Everyone pitching in for a good cause. Aidan of course will be supplying the Spotted Dick.


Josh steals Amanda’s meds and slips them to Erica.


Greg is wrong, Josh is using his medical training.


When Kendall tells her mother about her wedding plans, Erica is less than thrilled.


Now Erica knows how Mona felt about at least half of Erica’s weddings. “Oh, Erica.”


Kendall and Zach notice that Erica is behaving oddly.


She’s not talking about herself?


Erica starts to hallucinate. She thinks Zach is his brother Michael. She stabs him.


It’s only fair. If Brooke gets to be in quicksand for the second time then I get to stab someone while not in my right mind for the second time.”


Over on Janet’s Planet:


Amanda asks Janet if she is responsible for all the recent disappearances in the Valley. Janet does not hesitate in telling Amanda the truth.


Krystal switched DNA results for Babe. For Jamie, Tad kept the Mirabess secret and let JR think his son was dead. Is what Janet has done for Amanda all that different? Not to mention that what Janet has done has been a lot more fun to watch.


Amanda freaks and locks Janet in the warehouse. Janet escapes and heads to the Chandlers.


Yes, Amanda should have called Derek, but seeing your mother locked up, again, is not an easy thing. (OMG did I just defend Amanda? Did I forget to take my meds today?)


Over at Casa Chandler Babe lets it slip that Jamie does not care about Amanda. He is fooling Amanda to find out the truth. Janet plots to destroy Jamie.


For the first time since she arrived in the Valley, I can applaud something Babe did. If Babe’s comments connect the dots between Janet, her crowbar and Jamie, who am I to complain?


Jonathan is arrested for Janet’s recent crimes.


If it keeps him away from Lily, who am I to complain?


Lily offers to help Jonathan find his “crazy” lady.


I think it’s time someone offered to help Jack find a boarding school for Lily.


Other stuff happens, too:


Julia tells David she does not want a relationship with him.


I can understand that Julia, you are in period of adjustment. However just because you don’t want a “relationship” with David doesn’t mean you can’t have sex with him, does it? You are not that big of an idiot are you?


Julia tells Ryan she wants to adopt his son.


If I were Julia, I wouldn’t sign any papers until I was assured that the clown nose fixation gene was recessive.


Adam is less than thrilled to find out that Babe and JR are planning to remarry.


Considering who Adam recently married he is hardly in a position to complain about this. Still I hope that doesn’t stop him from trying to break them up. He wouldn’t be Adam if he didn’t at least try.


Babe is less than thrilled when JR hands her a prenuptial agreement.


And I am more than thrilled that JR has started thinking with his upper brain again.


Oh, those AMC actors:


PV will no longer have to worry about spotted dick overload. James Scott (Ethan) has been let go. Rumors, not spoilers, abound that Ethan will die during February Sweeps’ explosive events.  This does not surprise me. James Scott/Ethan has spent so much time on the back burner he could have been a longtime vet over 40.


Here’s to another week in the Valley.



Please note:  If you have missed any of Kate's wonderful columns, they are now available in her archives.  Please see the link below to access her past work.



Kate's Archives For This Column Through 2006

Jan 16, 2006

Jan 9, 2006

Jan 2, 2006

Kate's Archives For This Column Through 2005

A Cynic Soaps Up - AMC and OLTL

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