It’s good to be back from dealing with a painful family situation. I was looking forward to indulging myself with a marathon viewing of AMC episodes.  

That expectation was very naïve. Very naïve because Satan’s DVR did not record a single episode. Five episodes I will never see. I have never missed that many episodes. That is either a commendable fact or a pathetic one. I cannot decide which.  

While away I kept imagining the scenes I was missing. The scenes I was hoping to enjoy when I got home. Sigh. 

I just hated missing: 

The scene where Joe and Ruth discussed their “new” grandson.  Especially the part where Ruth asks, “Joe, does this one have a brain or is he just like Jamie?” Joe then explains that Jamie did not inherit any Martin genes, just their hypocrisy. 

The scenes where Simone mourned Ethan. Grieving over not only the loss of her fiancé but also the loss of their promised life together. The part where Simone threw herself into her estranged father’s arms must have been particularly heart-wrenching.  Don’t tell me you did not sob when she stood over her brother’s bed saying, “ You and Ethan would have liked each other. That is if I had told him I had a brother in a coma.” 

The scene where Del asks Lily to tutor him so he can get his GED. 

The scene where Julia and Anita discuss their family over lunch. “I liked Mama better before she was recast, how about you Julia?” “I don’t know, Anita, I haven’t had scene with her since I returned from NINE YEARS in the WPP.” 

The scene where JR stole two clown noses from Ryan. JR then hot glued them to his nether regions so he could at least pretend he still had a pair. 

The scene where the fauxAdam became the realAdam. He then kicked Krystal out of the mansion. Ever the gentleman, Adam did not let her leave empty-handed. He gave Krystal the deed to a truck stop in Amarillo. As a bonus, Adam threw in a one-way ticket there. 

The scene where Di explained why she loved Tad instead of David.  It’s incomprehensible to me, so I am sorry I missed her explanation. 

The scene where Tim came to town to help his sister. “Yes, Amanda, it’s tragic that your mother killed our father. On the bright side, in a recent EOS poll Harold tied with Edmund as the character viewers most want to return from the dead.” 

Most of all I am sorry that I missed the scene where Di and David planned a surprise party for DixieBitch. The guest list?  Everyone who believed DixieBitch was dead. The party favors? Old rotten chicken fingers the guests could then pelt her with. 

If anyone has tapes of the above scenes, please send them to me. Of course, I will pay for the postage. 

Now for the non-sequiturs about what I did see: 

“How are they going to take me seriously as their boss?”  Babe would be less frustrated if she realized that is never going to happen. 

Did Greg hire Amanda for her office skills or for her healthy womb? Maybe he hired her because she was wearing her “Please hire me” panties. 

I hope Amanda does not become Greg’s victim. It would be much more interesting if she were the one to discover Dr. Madden’s real agenda in PV.  I would rather see her hanging with the Madden-ing Crowd that having scenes with Jamie ever again. 

Listen up AMC. I want to know who in the wardrobe department is responsible for dressing Kendall in that horrific green striped abomination.  To quote my husband, “It looks like Kendall put her bustle on backwards.” 

It was good to see Val again, even if he did keep his tattoo covered up. 

Why wasn’t Lily freaking out about the red cabinets in Jack’s hospital room? 

Did DixieBitch lose her hairdryer? Is that why her hair looks so blah? 

Speaking of DixieBitch, while I was gone it appears her gunshot wound completely healed. How was that possible? Oh well, since she is Saint Dixie, perhaps it was a case of reverse stigmata. 

“I want to feed you to Palmer’s Dobermans.” Thank you JR for mentioning those little pups; nice to know they are still around. Although this does beg the question, where is Palmer living? 

Greg Madden may have a very simple reason for lying about Julia’s inability to carry a child to term: he does not want to spend hours in the delivery room listening to her scream “I have been pregnant for NINE months.” 

“He’s willing to hurt my child to get what he wants.”  I can understand why DixieBitch is upset with David; he is usurping her right to hurt JR. 

I know how Julia can solve her Josh problem. She should have him meet her in the X-Ray department.  Anita can hold him down while Julia goes all Mammogram on his genitals. My female readers can picture this in their minds. Trust me, my male readers really do not want to go there. 

“I am sorry for your loss.” Babe, perhaps that would have meant something to Simone if you had not followed that up with shoving Amanda in her face (I mean that in a completely non-sexual way for the moment).  Babe seldom realizes that other people have feelings, too. 

“It’s either that or you are the complete bitch that Kendall thinks you are.”  It’s the latter, Simone, the latter. 

The wonderful Kate Collins makes Janet on her meds as interesting as she was off her meds. 

“OMG. He’s here. Greg Madden is here.”  Let’s see if I have got this straight, shall we? DixieBitch has been desperately trying to find Greg Madden.  Greg Madden is a world famous infertility expert. Wouldn’t a simple Google search have shown where Greg’s practice was currently located?  

“People suck more than you know.”  I had to laugh when Amanda said that to Babe.  Trust me Amanda no two people have sucked more than Babe and her Momma, both literally and figuratively. 

Will this week’s spoilers suck or not? Let’s see: 

It’s Madden-ing for me, is it Madden-ing for you? 

DixieBitch tells Zach that she lost Kate because of Greg Madden. 

I suppose it would not do any good to point out that if DixieBitch had not left PV, Greg would never have had the opportunity to take Kate. 

DixieBitch then confides that she has spent years trying to find Greg Madden. Zach replies, “Good god, woman, have you never heard of Google?” 

I made the last part up.  Though it would be fun if Zach said that. 

DixieBitch tells Zach to do whatever he can to keep Kendall away from Greg. 

Except, of course, for telling Kendall what happened to DixieBitch’s baby. DixieBitch’s agenda must be protected at all costs. I grew tired of DixieBitch’s wounded bird act about 5 minutes after she got to town the first time. 

Greg tells Julia she is unfit to be a mother because she is a murderer. 

That may make a woman unfit in the real world but Greg this is Pine Valley. Lighten up. 

Seeing Babe with Rembrandt makes Kendall realize she does not want to be a mother. 

I completely understand. The fear of giving birth to someone like Babe would make any woman question being a mother. 

Kendall tells Greg she wants to put her baby up for adoption. She is concerned that Ryan will get in the way of her plans. Greg assures Kendall that he will take care of Ryan for her. 

“Take care” as in talk with Ryan or “take care” as in killing Ryan? If Greg does murder Ryan I will absolve  him of all his other crimes, both past and present.  Heck, let’s throw in absolution for his future crimes, too. 

Erica is on her way to stop Kendall from seeing Greg. Zach is busy eavesdropping outside Greg’s office. Zach stops Erica so that they can learn more about Madden’s agenda. 

You would think that Hazel would notice the crowd gathering outside Greg’s door and yet she doesn’t. 

Ryan and Erica have a disturbing conversation about Greg. Erica decides she needs to step up her plan to kill Greg. After a spot of tea Greg collapses while on New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?). 

You would think that someone at either the drug company or the delivery service would notice an untraceable poison being delivered to a private home. You also might think that Erica would have placed the order under an assumed name and arranged to have the package delivered anywhere but her home. Thinking both those things would mean that you were thinking more about this plot than the writers are. 

DixieBitch panics when Greg collapses. If Greg dies, how will she ever find Kate? 

Oh, I don’t know.  Too bad she doesn’t know any private detectives who could help her, or any impossibly wealthy men with limitless resources, or even a world famous cardiologist with medical connections around the world. If DixieBitch knew any of those people she wouldn’t have to have spent all those years searching by herself, would she? 

Erica, Zach and Ryan each have a part of the Madden puzzle, yet they do not share information among themselves. 

Sharing never has been Erica’s strong suite, has it? As for the other two, isn’t sharing Kendall enough? 

Greg is not the Alpha and Omega of Kendall’s problems, she has others, too. 

Ryan insists he can be a good single father. 

“C’mon, Kendall, you gotta admit I can give the kid everything, love, affection, support, neuroses.” 

Kendall cannot decide if she is more perturbed or shocked when Zach supports Ryan in his desire to raise his son. 

“Hey, Zach, does that mean I don’t have to repay the $15K you lent me? Money to keep a kid supplied with clown noses doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” 

Ryan tells Jack about his plans to be a single father. 

“Oh, that’s just great Ryan. You mean to tell me that you could not be a father when Greenlee was pregnant but you can now? Is that what you are telling me Ryan?” “Well, Jack, Greenlee was leaving and how else was I going to be onscreen every damn %&*# day?” 

Jonathan and Lily give Kendall a surprise. 

Didn’t Jonathan already give Kendall a surprise when he held her hostage and tormented her?  I think that surprise was enough, don’t you? 

After shoving Jonathan and Lily out the door, Kendall collapses in tears. 

I cannot say that I blame her. Babe, Ryan, Jonathan, Lily and Greg are enough to make anyone cry. Goodness knows they have caused me tears of frustration. 

Can’t a schizophrenic get any respect? 

Janet has already told JR that his mother is alive. This week she tells him that Babe plans to divorce him and get custody of Rembrandt. 

Sometimes when Janet sounds rational she actually is rational. It’s just that with her, it’s difficult to tell whether she is being rational- rational or crazy- rational. 

JR refuses to believe Janet. 

After all, it’s not as if Babe has tried before to keep JR away from his son.  

This week there is a definite lack of sisterly love between Di and DixieBitch. 

David tells Di that DixieBitch is sticking around PV.  

I am fairly certain that Di finds this news to be as depressing as I do. 

Di seeks out DixieBitch and wants answers. Why is DixieBitch staying in PV? DixieBitch refuses to tell her. 

Yet, she expects Di to keep her presence a secret. Is it any wonder that I call her DixieBitch? 

Di tells DixieBitch about her engagement to Tad. DixieBitch does not react well at all. 

Wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that DixieBitch wanted assurances from Di that she loved Tad and would look out for him? Is it any wonder that I call her DixieBitch? 

Other stuff happens, too. 

Aidan and Erin grow closer. 

I hope my snoring during these scenes does not bother my neighbors. 

Jack pays a visit to the tree house. 

Is it too much to hope that Jack is there to push Jonathan out of the tree house? Thought so. 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!