“Don’t expect my help with you dumping me.”

 

                                          David to Julia

 

That line is not taking this column anywhere really. I just thought that instead of beginning this column with negativity, it could start with a little meditation.

 

On the floor everyone. Assume the Lotus position. Close your eyes.  Take three deep cleansing breaths. Clear your mind of everything except how impossibly sexy David Hayward was in that scene with Julia. Sigh. Sigh. Hey, you in the back, keep your hands where I can see them!

 

Wasn’t it wonderful to see David out of his janitor scrubs and being his rapscallion sexy self?  He almost made Julia tolerable.

 

Almost. Let me see if I have this right: Julia wants to adopt Kendall’s baby. (I am referring to the baby as Kendall’s since, as I said here months ago, there is no guarantee that Ryan is the father.) Julia offered this option to Ryan as a perfectly logical solution. The same Julia that only a few days ago was telling Ryan she slept 20 minutes at a time. Minimal sleep kept her from dreaming about shooting Garret (a.k.a the Dragon a.k.a. A Waste of Perfectly Fine Actor). In between these naps Julia distracts herself by hanging out in bars.  Oh, and she also hates the baby’s bioMom Kendall.  Why should those petty things stand in the way of the adoption? Let’s call Livia and have those papers drawn up!

 

There is one way it would be worth having Ryan as the biological father and Julia the adoptive mother.  What way is that?  If Julia came to her senses, fell in love with and married David. Oh, the joy in watching Ryan watching David raise his son would be beyond imagining. (Especially after the Haywards announce their “No Clown Noses Allowed” policy.)

 

Of course we don’t really know what kind of mother Julia would be. We do, however know what kind of mother Janet is.  She is really the same as every other loving mother, just with her own psychotic twist.  While Janet’s plots, complete with appropriate costumes, are fun, her scenes with Amanda are much more interesting.

 

Janet has always loved Amanda. It did take awhile for Amanda to accept Janet as her mother, but there is no doubt she loves her now. The difference is that Amanda’s love falls within reasonable parameters. Janet’s love? Not so much.

 

The other difference? Amanda’s loyalty to her mother is far more stable than Janet’s loyalty to her daughter.  I believe Janet could turn on Amanda in a heartbeat. All it would take is for Amanda to say she was having her mother committed again. I think that is what happened to Trevor. We do not know exactly what Janet did to him, but it’s a fairly safe bet that it was triggered by Trevor’s wanting to have his wife committed.

 

What makes Janet truly dangerous is that her mental instability is paired up with her clever intelligence.  Stringing up Kendall to divert suspicion was brilliant. Committing unrelated crimes to mask the criminal’s true motivation is pure Agatha (The ABC Murders) Christie.   Janet’s actions may sometimes be silly but Janet, herself, is deadly serious. As Janet said, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Janet.”

 

And Kate Collins has been seriously good in reprising this role.  One minute Janet is conning Erica.  The next she is quicksanding a truck. The next she is heartbreakingly slapping herself the way her mother must have done. The next she is setting up Jonathan. And yet she finds time to buy Amanda  earrings.  Kate Collins makes all this fun, sad and believable. I will miss her when she is gone. I like the humanity she brings to Janet.

 

I actually like Amanda these days, which has me thinking I should be committed. Making the character more complex and having the actress work with the talented Kate Collins have both been good. You have heard my pet soap peeve but I am going to say it again anyway:  having inexperienced actors play poorly developed characters just does not work. Pairing inexperienced actors with other inexperienced actors just exacerbates the situation.

 

I am looking forward to seeing what happens with Amanda. Never thought I would say that.

 

I am not looking forward to seeing what happens with/to/or about Josh.  Having William DeVry back as Michael Cambias reminded me just how fascinating an evil Machiavellian character can be. Josh is just a low level knock-off. Yes, he is a user and a plotter and a liar. However it also true that he is just not interesting. In addition, he is responsible for the return of Desiree Dubois, which makes him imminently dismissible.

 

This is Erica. This is Erica on drugs. This is Erica inexplicably as Desiree Dubois.  Looking back at Erica on Libidozone, her sudden desire to sing makes sense. However, singing as Desiree Dubois does not make sense to me.  I cannot see how Desiree would be Erica’s default position.  I am willing however to admit that my strong dislike for Desiree may be clouding my ability to see this situation logically.

 

Unless the writers had Erica as Desiree so that it would not seem almost exactly like the time Erica stabbed Dimitri. Except that it did seem almost exactly like that.

 

Susan Lucci did a great job in those scenes. Erica on drugs as Desiree was much more interesting than Las Vegas Erica bombed out of her mind as Desiree.

 

That said, let’s hope that Desiree never returns. Ever.

 

I wish Jonathan would go to prison and never return. At least not return until Lily is firmly ensconced with a more appropriate partner, like Aidan.  If only my fantasy from my January 16^th column would come true. Yes, I know Aidan is older. Yes, I know Lily has Autism Spectrum Disorder. Yes, I know all that and still I like the idea of them together.  I have no words to describe how much I hate the idea of Lily and Jonathan. Since I have no words, I am going to steal some from Jeff on Curb Your Enthusiasm: “It’s just a whole bowl of wrong.”

 

Now for a few non-sequiturs:

 

Why were David and Julia eating breakfast off the ottoman in the living room?  What happened to the Wildwind bedrooms and dining rooms? Did Sam take them with him when he left?

 

“Arabella Carey Memorial Swamp.”  Sounds like a good real estate investment to me.

 

Anyone else get a little misty while Opal and Palmer were hugging? What will it take to get these two crazy kids back together?

 

“Kendall’s pretty big on the trust thing.” Yes, Ethan and you are pretty much untrustworthy. It’s going to be a sad day when Simone discovers that.

 

I watched the opening credits this week for the first time in months. Imagine my surprise to discover that Dani and Reggie are still on the show. Well, not on the show exactly, but still in the credits. Why is there no storyline for them? At one time wasn’t Reggie friends with Jamie? At the very least Reggie could be helping Jamie get the skinny on Amanda.  And Dani could at least be a guest on New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?).  The episode? “High School By Day. Cosmetics Mogul by Night. How Does Dani do it?”

 

I understand why Amanda called the CIA. What I don’t understand is why she still hasn’t called Tim. And I am not going to understand until we find out why.  And I do understand that may be never.

 

“Ryan made Kendall happy.”  The sad thing is, Erica wasn’t even drugged when she said that.

 

Anyone else notice that Winifred was trudging through the snow in heels? What a woman.

 

Why doesn’t anyone think it’s suspicious that Zach would have a calendar with only the blackout date marked?  It’s because Zach is evil, isn’t it?

 

“Any friend of Zach and David’s…”  Thank you, Ryan, for giving me another reason to like Di.

 

“Ryan’s not a good ally.”  I was glad Zach said that to Simone.  Of course he should have also warned her to keep her clown noses locked up when Ryan comes to dinner.

 

“I know the package that I’ve got.”  When Kendall said that Zach, all I could think was, “I thought they weren’t having sex?”

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us wishing Janet made a diorama featuring the AMC writers? Let’s see:

 

Over at the Casino, it’s the worst episode of New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?) ever:

 

Kendall is beyond shocked when Erica stabs Zach.

 

“Mother, I know you don’t want me to marry Zach but isn’t this a little extreme, even for you?”

 

Tad arrives just in time to stop Erica from stabbing Zach again. Josh “helps” Tad.

 

What a good nephew, helping out his Uncle Thaddeus.

 

Tad takes a napkin that has Josh’s blood on it.

 

Could Tad be a DNA test away from proving the Erica/Greg/Josh connection? Are February sweeps right around the corner?

 

Zach does not take Erica’s stabbing well and winds up unconscious at PVH.

 

This is rather interesting since it appeared to be a bloodless stabbing. As I recall, Jamie shed some blood when he was stabbed. Maybe Zach doesn’t bleed because he is evil.

 

While unconscious Zach dreams he is in Hell. Keeping him company are his father and brother.

 

It could be worse, Zach, the Laverys could be keeping you company.

 

Kendall refuses to leave Zach’s side. When he wakes up, Kendall is the first thing he sees.

 

What a sweet moment. Must mean Ryan is about to burst through the doors unbidden.

 

Erica stops by to check on  Zach but refuses to apologize for the stabbing.

 

“Tell me why, Kendall, why should I apologize to that man?”

 

“Well, umm, Mother, because you stabbed him?”

 

“Kendall, it’s just like you to say something cruel like that just to spite me.”

 

Erica is arrested. She is not pleased to discover her jail mate is Jonathan Lavery.

 

Especially not after Jonathan says, “I kn-kn-ow you. You are Ryan’s b-b-b-baby’s grr-aan-dm—other.”

 

Jonathan figures out that Erica was drugged.

 

Of course Jonathan recognizes a drugged woman when he sees one. Erica is acting as irrationally as Greenlee did after Jonathan drugged her. But is there no limit TPTB will go to in order to make Jonathan a character above reproach? Janet framing him wasn’t enough? Now we having Jonathan saving Erica? I am afraid to think about what could be next:

Kendall, in labor, looses control of her car and goes over the guardrail into the Hooskenny. Her car sinks. Jonathan happens to be nearby pulling the wings off butterflies, I mean gathering wildflowers. He dives into the river. He gets to Kendall and delivers her baby while they are still underwater. The ambulance is already waiting on shore for them because Jonathan made the cell phone call while he was diving into the river.  When mother and child arrive home the next day, they find Kendall’s car parked outside her condo. Yes, overnight the wonderful Jonathan has repaired the car and put in a car seat, too!  Sure, you laugh now….

 

Erica admits she thought she was stabbing Michael Cambias. She and Jack get proof that she was in fact drugged.

 

Why do they need proof? Isn’t Jonathan’s word enough?

 

At Erica’s arraignment Zach speaks out in her defense.

 

It will be interesting to see how Erica puts a negative spin on Zach’s actions.

 

Josh accuses Amanda of drugging Erica.

 

“But Josh I’m not even wearing my drugging my boss’ boss panties!”

 

Hell hath no fury like an Erica who has been drugged. That fury finds its target in Amanda. Unfortunately for Erica, Janet is eavesdropping.

 

Everything Erica does is over the top. Other people have bad weeks; Erica has stupendously awful unbelievably bad weeks.

 

The Pouty Boys continue their efforts to prove they are smarter than Zach:

 

Ryan decides to hold off on sharing his Zach suspicions with Kendall.

 

Because he cares about Kendall? Or because he is afraid she will tip off Zach? Or because February Sweeps haven’t started yet?

 

Loose lipped Simone tells Kendall that the Pouty Boys think Zach caused the blackout.

 

For a former investigative journalist Simone sure has a hard time keeping secrets.

 

Ryan finds out that Kendall has found out what he found out about Zach and the blackout.

 

Hey, that sentence makes more sense than this storyline.

 

Di runs into her old friend Marty while applying for a job at the Casino.

 

During his audition I wonder if the actor asked about the role:

 

Actor: “How does Marty fit into the AMC canvas? What’s his motivation?”

 

AMC: “Plot device.”

 

Turns out Marty works for Zach. What a surprise! Marty offer Di a job.

 

“Great timing, Di.  The contractors just finished putting the poles in. You can start dancing tomorrow night!”

 

Turns out Marty is a computer whiz who could have easily hacked into the PV power grid.

 

I didn’t see that one coming, did you?

 

Di and Ryan decide to set a trap for Marty.

 

Di has a hard time convincing Ryan that clown noses would not make good bait.

 

Ryan gets real proof that Zach caused the blackout.

 

Hasn’t it dawned on any of them that this proof has been a little too easy to find?

 

Ryan decides to reveal Zach’s misdeeds at the Mardi Gras Gala.

 

Yep, Ryan, that’s really putting Kendall’s needs ahead of your need for vengeance. What every pregnant woman needs is to have her fiancé’s misdeeds exposed in public.  If I got to choose Ryan’s Gala costume, he would be going as a braying jackass wearing a clown nose. Oh, wait, you are supposed to go as something different than your everyday persona.

 

Meanwhile, on Janet’s planet:

 

Jamie pretends to believe Amanda’s lies about why she was visiting the warehouse.

 

“Oh, Jamie, I store my extra panties sorted by subject matter here.”

 

Later Jamie and Spotted Dick check the warehouse for clues.

 

Jamie: “Damn, it’s just a warehouse for dioramas.”

 

Aidan: “ Crikey, Jamie, was there ever any cheese on your cracker?”

 

Janet is a witness when Amanda discovers that Jamie has been conning her. Janet later knocks Jamie unconscious.

 

Finally. I have been anticipating this moment since Janet returned. I love that crowbar.

 

Desperate to protect her mother, Amanda tells everyone she knocked Jamie out.

 

Janet has been right about one thing, Amanda is a good daughter.

 

Janet vows to make everyone pay for the pain they have caused her daughter.

 

Isn’t that Krystal’s major M.O.?  Getting back at everyone who has hurt her Baby Doll? Yet, Janet doing the same thing is so much more interesting and understandable.

 

Other stuff happens, too:

 

Babe is angry because the pre-nup gives JR sole custody of Lil’A should his parents divorce.

 

I can understand Babe’s rage. I meant it’s not like Babe ever let JR believe his son was dead or anything. Geesh.

 

Babe and JR argue and argue and argue.

 

If there is no make up sex, I am just not interested.

 

Tad has some startling news for Joe.

 

That Joe has another scene next week? Or that Josh is a Martin? It could be worse, Josh could be another Lavery.

 

I am closing this week’s column by sending wishes for a speedy recovery to the 4 stuntmen who were injured on the AMC set this week.