AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of August 28, 2006

Despite having a cynical nature, I do not think of myself as a negative person, just a realistic one. It pains me to write only negative comments about my one true soap love, AMC. To counter that, I decided that this week my column would not only begin with a positive comment, it would contain at least four more positive comments. My head hurts already. Thank goodness I have a shaker full of Myrtle-tinis by my side.

Last week the evil but incredibly sexy David Hayward wore jeans. Derek is not evil but his unremittingly salacious interest in Kendall’s sex life was downright slimy. (For this they needed a recast?) Brooke’s interest in Jamie’s sex life wasn’t exactly slimy but it wasn’t exactly appropriate either. Or interesting. David’s jeans certainly did fit well, didn’t they? Babe declared that Josh wasn’t the kind of guy to press his advantage with a drunken young woman. Maybe Babe should have a little talk with Dani about that. Of course that would mean acknowledging that Dani actually knows Josh, which seems to have slipped the writers’ minds. (Or did I miss the scene where Josh said, ”Dani, please let me know if my working here makes you uncomfortable.”?) Did you catch the scene where David bent down in his well fitting jeans? Not only is Jamal a member of what once was a major family in PV, he was also at the center of one of its most memorable storylines. How nice that TPTB brought him back to guard Annie between shifts tending bar. As her interest in Ryan grows, my interest in Annie lessens, but her daughter certainly is a very interesting four year old. Maybe between takes, “Emma” could give “Colby” lessons on how to deliver a line. Jeff declared Babe a “savior” which led me to declare Jeff a “fool.” Is Tad, an experienced private non-spotted dick, a fool for not checking to see if his house was bugged, or is this all part of his mysterious plan? Whatever Tad has going on, it definitely is depressing him. In fact, the only people who look more depressed than Tad are the AMC viewers watching this drek. The shirt David wore with his well fitting jeans was unbuttoned enough that we could see his chest hairs peeking out. Krystal objected to Colby’s birthday frock choice. Obviously Krystal has forgotten it was Babe who taught Colby how to dress like a hooker wannabe. Why was Adam wearing a sweater? Did Krystal toss out his power suits and red ties along with his family jewels? Speaking of clothes, I miss Amanda and her mood panties. I also miss Zach being interesting. Actually what I really miss is AMC being interesting. That calls for another positive statement, doesn’t it? Hmm, how about one not involving David? I’ve got it; this past week was totally Erin free. A week without Erin moping around is a positive thing indeed. That’s four positive comments so I can now move on to the spoilers. Oh, wait, I almost forgot, this week’s award for the Most Out of Character Behavior goes to Ryan Lavery, because he did not wear a clown nose to the carnival.

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling like clowns for still watching or not? Let’s see:

The Madden murder sludge, I mean plot, thickens.

Tad is none too happy to discover that Derek has had his house bugged for quite awhile.

Not because of what Tad said about Zach and Dixie and Greg but because Derek now knows that not only does Tad never miss an episode of Project Runway, he also does a mean impression of Heidi Klum during the commercial breaks.

Tad will now have to testify for the prosecution about what he saw on the night Greg was buried.

Of course, do we, and the prosecution, know what Tad really saw that night? Or do we only know what Tad wants us to think he saw that night?

Tad tells Jamie and JR that he has decided to go on the run rather than testify against Dixie. He asks for their help. They promise to record the remaining episodes of Project Runway and send them to Tad when he settles somewhere.

OK, ok, so what JR really offers is the use of the Chandler jet.

Things don’t go well for Tad when returns home to pack. He is knocked unconscious and when he wakes up, he is trapped in a crypt.

This spoiler reminds me of how much I miss the Wildwind mausoleum. What a fun place that was!

JR and Jamie are concerned when Tad does not show up at the airstrip.

OK, who are the boys going to get irrationally with angry about this? Josh, David, Winifred?

JR and Jamie decide to steal the tapes from Derek’s office.

How convenient for them that the tapes are not in locked up in the evidence room. It would be fun if Dani were involved in this caper, but that would take not only remembering Dani is Derek’s daughter but that also that Jamie knows her. Heck, at this point the writers do not even remember that they know Dani.

Derek accuses JR and Jamie of taking the missing tape.

Will we be surprised if the tape is already missing when the boys get there?

Murder can certainly mess up a marriage, can’t it?

After hearing about the Tad tapes, Kendall decides she needs to tell Tad that Zach and Dixie are not having an affair.

As so often happens, Kendall’s logic baffles me. While finding out about the non-affair might have Tad thinking Dixie is less of a whore, how would it change what he saw the night of Greg’s burial?

Ryan stops Kendall from talking to Tad. He tells her, in great detail, exactly why it is possible that Zach killed Greg.

“Well, Zach did disappear that night and the police have all that evidence. More importantly, however, is the fact that you have a lousy track record when it comes to love. Add to that the fact that Erica hates Zach. If he is guilty, she can remind constantly remind you how she was right about him and you weren’t. And besides what would be the point of my falling in love with Annie, if you were not free to fall inconveniently back in love with me?” “Damn it, Ryan, I am married to a murderer, aren’t I?”

After her talk with Ryan, Kendall demands that Zach tell her everything about the night Greg was boxed up. Zach refuses to tell her everything that happened. Kendall decides that she cannot stay married to Zach.

Ahhh, Kendall it seems Zach did not really know you at all. It is likely Kendall could find it within herself to stay married to a murderer. (After all, murderers are not exactly uncommon in Pine Valley.) However, it’s unlikely that Kendall could stay married to a man who keeps secrets from her. Or that Kendall could easily live with the fact that Dixie knows more of Zach’s secrets than his wife does.

Greg’s murder complicates other lives, too.

Josh sees Kendall and Zach having a very private moment.

Am I the only one who thinks that Donald Steele should also be witnessing, and photographing, these very private moments?

As much as he wants to see the people who murdered his faux dad punished, Josh keeps the Zach/Kendall secret. Why? Because Babe asks him to, that’s why.

In Josh’s mind this makes perfect sense. Josh’s mind must be a very scary place.

Dixie decides to sacrifice herself in order to save the people she loves.

Does this mean she will be throwing herself into the Pine Valley volcano? ( Hey, if Pine Valley can have an ocean, why not a volcano? ) Or confessing to the Madden murder?

Other stuff happens, too.

Terry has set the trap and Lily falls right in.

I know Terry is perverted and this bad for Lily. Really I do. And yet, I just don’t care.

Jonathan catches Colby and Sean doing something.

Is it too much to hope that he catches them on a bus headed out of town, never to return?

Oh, those AMC actors:

Michael B. Jordan(Reggie) has been let go. The role will not be recast. In fact, Reggie won’t even get a goodbye scene. Does he head off to the same camp that swallowed Bobby Martin years ago?

I can understand why AMC did this, really I can. What could they really do with Reggie’s character? What could possibly be interesting about a poor black kid adjusting to being part of a wealthy white family? He spent his early years life taking care of his mother and sisters. His sisters have gone off to foster care and Reggie, seemingly, has hit the jackpot with his new life. It’s not as if these changes would cause conflict in the young man, or that anyone from his former life could show up to causing trouble or needing Reggie’s help. And it’s not as if Reggie’s new life presents any interesting challenges. What could be interesting about discovering that your new stepbrother is not only the result of an aborted abortion but also the guy who deflowered your ex-girlfriend?

Compare that to the storyline goldmine that is Colby/Sean/Sydney and it will be clear why Reggie had to go…..

Here’s to another week in the Valley!