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For the week of May 22, 2006

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A few years ago Stephanie, who wrote the AMC spoilers column for EOS, went on maternity leave. Katrina asked me to cover the spoilers for a few months. I agreed never guessing that a few months would turn into a few years. Or that what was a short column would evolve into a not-so-short column.  As the spoiler column grew my spoiler-free AMC commentary, A Cynic Soaps Up, disappeared.  I missed it. 

This week A Cynic Soaps Up returns. (It can be found here).  It is my spoiler-free view of what’s happening in the Valley.  I will continue to write the AMC Spoilers with Commentary each week. The spoilers column will focus on simply that, my take on upcoming spoilers.  I am happy with this change and hope that you, my readers, will be, too. 

Last week we had a ridiculous legal decision. We had an impossibly romantic, but perhaps foolish, ICU hostage situation.  We had Lily eating a hot pretzel. The best part of all? Seeing all three Fryes on camera.  Derek even got to have a scene in the hospital and a scene at the jail. For me, that was the Sweeps highlight. 

Will anything qualify for a Sweeps highlight this week? Let’s see: 

I hate it when I am not the “Kate” people are talking about. 

David figures out that Kate is alive. DixieBitch turns down his offer to help find her daughter. 

Even more proof that David truly is the brightest bulb in the AMC chandelier.  DixieBitch refusing his help is dumb but not as dumb as turning down his offer of sex. Incredibly hot sex. Incredibly hot sex in a cabin in the woods. Incredibly hot sex in a cabin in the woods with the incredibly sexy David Hayward. Excuse me for a moment while I go splash some cool water on my face. 

Realizing that soon everyone in PV, except Tad, will know the truth, DixieBitch sets off to find him. 

Want to be that DixieBitch will blame David for Tad learning the painful truth? I can hear it now, “I didn’t hurt Tad, David, you did!”  

At first Tad thinks that Greg was right, DixieBitch is delusional about Kate. 

Not as delusional as Tad was in believing that Di, a woman with much smaller breasts and a bigger sense of humor, was DixieBitch. 

Eventually Tad realizes DixieBitch is telling the truth. Their daughter is alive. 

The odds were on Kate’s side given the high percentage of PV residents who die, but not really. 

Tad is shocked by the Kate news, but not as shocked as when DixieBitch reveals she put their daughter up for adoption. Why? Because DixieBitch thought she was dying. 

“You trying to tell me they don’t have &%$#&& cell phones in Switzerland?” 

DixieBitch further explains her adoption decision. Greg convinced her Tad would be a terrible father. 

True, Tad is no Adam, but he’s no Ray Gardner, either. 

DixieBitch says that looking for Kate has kept her from coming home. 

“That’s ridiculous. Do I look like that much of a fool? Next thing I know you’ll be saying you were gone because you moved to Oakdale and changed your name to Rosanna.” 

Tad lets DixieBitch know he will never forgive her. 

Oh, that’s bad news for Di. In PV saying you will never forgive someone is tantamount to a marriage proposal.  

Stuart and JR overhear Tad and DixieBitch’s conversation. 

 Stuart: “See, JR, gosh golly gee whiz I just knew Dixie had a good reason for being gone.”   

JR, glancing at Stuart: “And people wonder why I drink.” 

Tad informs Greg that he will do whatever it takes to get the truth out of him.  Greg shoots back, figuratively not literally, that he will destroy Tad. 

Next thing we know, they will be double dog daring each other. 

Meanwhile over at PVH: 

Julia needs to check on Kendall, so Zach lets her into the room. That little minx Erica sneaks in behind her. 

Anyone else think one of the AMC writers has mother-in-law issues? First JR holds a gun on Krystal and now Zach holds one on Erica.  

Zach continues to sit by Kendall’s bed. He tells her his life story. 

C’mon girls, let’s admit it. The only part of a man’s life story we want to hear is, “My life did not begin until I met you.” 

Bianca arrives. After listening to both sides of the argument, Bianca makes her decision: they should cut Kendall and Spike in half. Nope wait, wrong story. This is Saint Binks and not King Solomon. Bianca believes that God will decide Kendall and Spike’s fates. 

“But, Bianca, surely God would want the same thing I want. After all, God knows he is dealing with Erica Kane, doesn’t he?” 

Then Bianca listens to Ryan as he confesses his love for Kendall. 

No wonder Bianca doesn’t come home more often. It’s just one person’s mess after another.  And Ryan loving Kendall is the biggest mess of all. 

The fun continues in NYC: 

Lily falls apart when Teddy tries to seduce her. 

Why, is he wearing red boxers? 

Jonathan rescues Lily and fights with Teddy. During the scuffle, Jonathan hits his head. 

Want to bet that hitting his head makes all the bad in Jonathan’s head that happened when all the other bad in his head was cut out go away? 

Aidan and Erin urge Jack to go along with their plan to find Lily and Jonathan. Jack has other plans. 

Like finding a decent storyline? 

Over at Casa Chandler: 

JR listens as Jamie and Babe declare their love. For him, not for each other. 

I think JR needs an intervention for his eavesdropping problem. 

JR bares his soul to Babe. 

“Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I am going to eat some worms.” 

Oh, those AMC actors: 

Ambyr Childers has been cast as the very much SORAS’d Colby Chandler. 

Please, please, let her make Krystal’s life a living hell. It’s only fair; Krystal has made watching AMC hell for several years now. 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!