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For the week of May 8, 2006

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Whew! You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a little out of breath. It has been quite a week. 

Zach and I had the most amazing sex. I never could resist a man in a pink linen shirt. Who would have guessed that being rescued from an evil doctor’s island spa would be the best foreplay ever? The sex was unbelievably passionate. I swear I could actually feel the earth move; maybe it was just yacht the rockin’ but still. Sigh… 

OK, so it wasn’t me, it was Kendall. That doesn’t mean a girl can’t wet dream, does it? 

It’s about time Zach and Kendall reunited. As their history proves, they are a perfect soap couple: 

1.       Total disdain and disgust for each another

2.        Marriage of convenience

3.       Divorce due to misread cues

4.       A marriage proposal complete with lobster and balloons

5.        Betrayal by blackout ending said engagement

6.       Death of the former fiancé’s son, who used to be the former fiancée’s lover

7.       Months of angst and painful longing looks

8.       Former fiancée rescued from evil doctor’s island by former fiancée.

9.       A reunion leading to a wedding. The wedding took place on the bride’s stepfather’s stolen yacht. Who stole the yacht? The groom of course. 

All that makes it perfectly clear. Zach and Kendall are destined to be together. At least until next Sweeps or contract negotiation time. Whichever comes first? 

The most important thing about Zach and Kendall? They are bringing a much-needed dose of romance to AMC. “Love in the afternoon” makes it easier to ignore the things that are wrong with AMC right now. 

Note that I said “easier” not “possible” to ignore. 

What is the main wrong thing I cannot ignore? Jonathon and Lily. It’s not because it’s another homage to Romeo and Juliet. Some of my favorite soap stories have been a riff on that timeless story: Phil and Tara, Angie and Jesse, Jenny and Greg, GH’s Robin and Stone and finally OLTL’s Cristian and Jessica.  All were heart-wrenching stories that had me riveted.  These couples had me wishing that the world would let them be together.  

Jonathan and Lily make me cringe. I know it’s inappropriate to want to slap them but dammit that’s what I want to do.  How could I be so heartless? After all, Jonathan is still endlessly recuperating from a brain tumor. Lily has Autism Spectrum disorder. This should be a sweet story about two kids falling in love. Two kids the world often rejects because they are “different.”  Two kids who find each other perfect, even though the world doesn’t. This would put a little homage to The Enchanted Cottage into the mix. 

The problem with this scenario? Jonathan isn’t a kid; he is pushing 30.  Despite his temporary brain damage, he still has a sex drive and a history of abusing women. He’s not a sweet misunderstood kid. Why should anyone, especially Lily’s father, overlook the reality that Jonathan killed three people? 

Unfortunately, some of the blame for this mess is Jackson’s.  Jackson exercised no control over a daughter who needs all things controlled.  Almost from the day she arrived in PV, Lily was running wild. She was doing things that were totally inappropriate, sometimes dangerous, for her. Her behavior was a major clue that her adolescence was going to problematic. If Jackson were half the detective Lily is, he would have seen that clue. Putting Reggie in charge while Jack dealt with all of Erica’s dramas was a tragic mistake.  On the other hand, I do have sympathy for Jackson. I can only imagine how painfully difficult it must be for a parent to tell a child that they are different. To help the child understand that means they cannot do things other kids can. Then the parent has to enforce that reality. No easy task. 

As to the current story, Lily could be rescued right now if Jack had taken my advice to outfit Lily with a GPS monitor. Or at least taught her how to dial 911. Or to dial 1-800-ATT.   

This story gives Levin a chance to show her stuff which a good thing. This story gives AMC another chance to hit us over the head with the wonderfulness of Jonathan, which a bad thing.  This story is going to make for a very long summer. 

Will Greg Madden have a long summer or not? I am guessing not. Why? This week Greg uttered those fateful words, “ You’d have to stand in a pretty long line to do that (kill me).”   

That line is the soap equivalent of a character in a police movie saying, “Yep, this is my last day on the force. Retirement starts tomorrow and I can’t wait.” At that point, we all know the character is doomed.  

For the same reason, it’s not looking too good for Kendall and Spike. When a pregnant soap character utters lines like “I want my son more than my own life” and “I would give my life for him” viewers know tragedy is coming down the track faster than that train was heading to NYC.  (Were those endless zoom shots of the zooming train make anyone else a little dizzy?) 

Who will be blamed for this coming tragic turn?  Rational people will blame Greg. Erica will blame Zach.  I don’t really care who they blame, as long as the Slaters stay together. 

“Why am I the bad guy? Finally, Adam asked the question that I have been asking for years. During the intervention scenes, Adam’s love for JR was palpable. Adam doesn’t always express his love in an appropriate way, but his love for his children is real. JR’s “I love you, too, Dad” showed that JR knows that.   

JR knows that, but he doesn’t know how to deal with his pain. If I were in JR’s place, I would be drinking, too. It’s so confusing. JR was 13 when his mother left town. His feeling abandoned was logical. His belief that his mother chose his unborn sibling over him was understandable. His mother returns 4 years later and he is expected to react like an adult. Why? Because in those 4 years, JR aged at least 12 years. It makes my head hurt. JR, would you pass that flask over here please? 

Before I get too drunk, here are some non-sequiturs: 

Listen up, Babe, any mother who calls her son “Lil’A” has no right to call Kendall out for naming her son “Spike.”  Spike will rule while Lil’A will be tormented every day for having that name. 

“So you are going to drug her?  Has Jackson so quickly forgotten this part of the marriage vows, “Erica, I vow that I will never drug anyone for any reason. However you, the love of my life, may drug anyone at any time without impunity”? 

“Wear the flannel.”  Once again Krystal shows her ignorance by not knowing that many men find flannel sexy. It’s a strange but true fact. 

Jamie and Julia were cute together. Probably because they weren’t onscreen for very long. Still, they were cute. 

“We could be pregnant together, Momma.”  Why does the word “Apocalypse” keep running through my brain?  

“Loving you is who I am.”  I passed out when Zach said that line. It’s a good thing I was recording the episode. 

What’s with the bra straps on AMC? This week both Krystal and Babe’s bra straps were showing. Not in a fashion-forward kind of way but more like the wardrobe department is careless kind of way. 

“In the end that’s all we have. Some days.”  That line was so sad due in no small part to Michael E. Knight’s great world-weary delivery. 

Kendall looked better in Zach’s shirt that in any other outfit in recent memory. 

“This suck party is over.”   Oh JR, interventions aren’t suck parties, lipstick parties are. 

If DixieBitch was truly upset that David kissed her, why did she let her mouth linger on his? I think the lying bitch doth protest too much. 

“I’m doing this for JR. Not for you.”  That almost negates the horror of Kendall hugging Babe. Almost. 

“Maybe that’s the reason. Maybe she doesn’t love any of us anymore.”  Yet another reason for me to hate DixieBitch, she is making me feel sorry for Jamie. 

I enjoyed the Ryan on -truth -serum scenes. My favorite part? When Ryan confessed to DixieBitch, “I have a clown nose in my pants.” 

Will this week’s spoilers have us reaching for JR’s flask or not? 

Even Jenny and Greg had a longer honeymoon than the Slaters: 

JR is horrified that his actions have hurt his best friend Kendall. 

I bet Kendall is even more horrified than JR. 

At PVH, Greg steps in to treat Kendall. Erica and Ryan refuse to let that happen. 

It’s a sorry, sorry day when I agree with both Erica and Ryan. JR, could you pass that flask over here, please? 

Kendall is comatose, but can still hear everything around her. 

Poor thing has to listen to Ryan’s shouting and cannot do anything about it. 

Joe tells everyone that unless a C-section is performed Kendall will die. It is unlikely that the baby would survive. 

Color me confused. Last week Ryan said something along the lines of “If we don’t find Kendall within a month, I will never see my son.”   Hearing that I realized they had soras’d little Spike in utero. It seems to me that while a C-section at 8 months would be problematic, it must happen quite frequently with good results. Or has little Spike been de-soras’d since last week?  

Unaware that his wife’s life is in danger, Zach heads off to Incubator Island with DixieBitch. 

This does not bode well for the Slater marriage. Married less than 48 hours, Zach is already leaving town with another woman, without letting his bride know.  Yeah, right. 

Once on the island, Zach and DixieBitch find a secret vault. 

Will they find more valuable information in Madden’s vault than Geraldo did in Al Capone’s? 

While they don’t find any information about Kate, they do discover Erica’s secret. 

The name of Erica’s plastic surgeon? Nah, it’s probably just the Josh thing. 

Greg’s vaulted records show that all his artificially inseminated patients have the same sperm donor. 

I first said it months ago and I was right, Kendall’s baby’s biodad is Greg. Of course, 75% of AMC viewers were also right.  I feel bad for Josh, how is ever going to remember all his half-siblings’ names? 

An eavesdropping Greg locks Zach and DixieBitch in the vault. Zach figures out how to escape. 

Unfortunately, he takes DixieBitch with him. 

DixieBitch blackmails Madden. If he doesn’t reveal the truth about Kate, DixieBitch will reveal all his medical secrets. 

It might be simpler if she just locked him in a room while singing You Are My Sunshine over and over again. I’m telling you, the guy would crack in less than 30 minutes. 

Zach arrives back in PV to discover that Kendall is in a coma (and I think it’s serious).

Not even married a week and he’s already in the doghouse. 

Erica and Ryan decide to have the C-section performed. Kendall tries desperately to wake up so she can tell them to save Spike, not her. 

Not that Erica and Ryan would listen to her. They never have, why would they start now? 

Zach rushes into Kendall’s room and asserts his rights as her husband. 

I cannot wait to see Erica’s expression and how she makes the news all about her.  

Elsewhere: 

Greg takes Amanda to his island spa. She is overwhelmed. She considers being a surrogate. 

Thus solidifying Janet’s position as the prime suspect in Greg’s upcoming murder.  

Jack comforts Erica. He then sets off to find Lily. 

Priorities, Jack, priorities. Erica has, and prefers, Ryan’s comfort anyway. 

While looking for Lily, Jonathan just misses finding her. 

The torment. The agony. Not Jonathan’s, mine for being forced to watch this wrong-headed storyline. 

Tormented by unsavory youths, Lily is rescued by a Good Samaritan who may not be so good after all. 

Why do I have the nauseating feeling this is all leading to Jack admitting Jonathan is good for Lily?   

Kendall and Lily are not the only ones having a bad day. 

JR visits Kendall to ask her forgiveness. He explains the accident was rigged to hurt Babe, not her. Unfortunately, Babe overhears JR’s confession. 

Eavesdropping is a life skill necessary for survival, not to mention blackmail, in PV. 

Babe tells Josh that she was JR’s intended victim. Josh urges Babe to tell the police, but she refuses. 

Josh seems to have forgotten that “Babe is love.” 

Josh tells Jamie about JR’s plan to murder Babe. 

“Damn you, JR, not only did you try to murder Babe but you still haven’t paid me for the nachos!” 

JR gets a subtle warning from his mother-in-law. 

Will someone please explain to Krystal that opening a can of whoop ass is hardly subtle? 

Here’s to another week in the Valley