For the week of May 1, 2006

I love this spa storyline, don’t you? An isolated spa in a beautiful setting. Spa guests being pampered from dawn to dark. Beautiful young women feeling just so happy and content, especially after drinking one of those rich, fun and frothy beverages. You have to admit Larkin Malloy is doing a fine playing the Evil Doctor.

Oh wait, did I say Larkin Malloy? Of course I meant to say Ian Buchanan. For a moment there I confused this spa/evil doctor storyline with the one ATWT did a few years ago.

That is not to take away from the good job Ian Buchanan is doing. Greg Madden oozes creepiness from every pore. Yet somehow this unctuous doctor has been able to keep Incubator Island going for years with no problems at all.

Until Zach Slater came along. Zach sailed right in alone and sailed right out again with Kendall. Wouldn’t you think that someone as brilliantly evil as Greg would have had better security in place? Ah, well, Greg probably thinks he doesn’t need any. After all, a mere mortal could not out maneuver him.

Zach, however, is no mere mortal. He is Zach. While Erica and Ryan wring their hands trying to figure out what to do, Zach steals a yacht, sails south and rescues Kendall.

The rescue was great except I now have to give Ryan props for acknowledging that Zach did a good thing. Ryan even saw the rescue for what it was, Zach rescuing the woman he truly loves. Erica saw it in a completely different light. Why? Probably because she does not have the hots for Zach the way she does for Ryan.

Not only does this rescue save Kendall from Madden it also saves me from having to watch endless scenes of an angry Kendall. After a certain point, watching a character say the same things again and again while the actor uses the same mannerisms again and again becomes painfully tiresome.

This rescue story also brings back to AMC something that has been sorely lacking, romance. (And no, Lily and Jonathan do not count.) A soap without romance is well, quite often a soap on ABC. ABC’s tag line used to be “Love in the afternoon” now it’s “Love whenever we remember to get around to it.”

True, a soap romance cannot last forever. Love without conflict quickly becomes boring. My soap belief is that a soap should always have several couples in varying stages of romance. As one couple dances out of the romance spotlight, another can come whirling in. These couples do not have to be new couples, either. A couple rediscovering each other within a long-term relationship can be very romantic.

I know Babe and JR fans believe that couple to be romantic. I don’t because I still do not trust Babe and as long as Janet’s voice keeps playing in his head, neither will JR. Are they hot? Yes. Are they romantic? No. That does not mean they lack romantic potential. They might be one of those couples that doesn’t truly fall in love until they have been together for awhile. If that happens, you will hear no argument from me when a viewer declares them romantic.

Despite being the catalyst for the Kendall/Zach romantic reunion, I do not think Greg’s standing in PV will improve. The only things about Greg that will improve are the odds that he will be killed. Why? His actions cannot be justified even using the broadest definition of situational ethics. Once Josh finds out the truth, Greg will no longer have any real attachments to anyone in the Valley. Plus David is already filling the PV need for an unethical but gifted doctor. The final reason? AMC hasn’t had a murder mystery since Binks killed Michael Cambias years ago.

If my assumption about Madden murder is correct, the police will not be lacking for suspects. Who do you think might kill off Madden? After giving this serious consideration, I think the best bet is Janet. Greg had some agenda when he hired Amanda and I don’t think it was to improve her filing skills. If Greg does something, anything, to hurt Amanda, he will feel the full fury of Janet’s wrath. It won’t matter that she is locked up. Let’s remember this is the Janet who snuck out of the hospital in disguise, made it over to Will’s apartment, killed him and was back under the covers before anyone noticed she was gone.

Can you imagine what PV would be like if Janet and David ever teamed up?

For one thing they would not be as irritating as DixieBitch. She has caused her loved ones almost unbearable pain. Yet she expects them to take her word that she had good reasons for letting them believe her dead. The longer she is evasive, the more time their anger will have to grow. If DixieBitch told them what happened, no matter how embarrassing or stupid or evil it was, sure they might still be angry but at least they would have a starting point for understanding her actions.

Even if DixieBitch’s reasons turn out to be good ones, I will still be mad at her.

“I am here to see JR. Not to explain myself to you.” I usually enjoy seeing Babe treated in a dismissive fashion, but this time I found myself rooting for her. Damn that DixieBitch.

“If you don’t want people to see you maybe you shouldn’t go drinking in public places.” I usually do not enjoy seeing Jamie treat adults in a dismissive manner but when he said this to DixieBitch I was cheering him on. Damn her.

Now for the final reason I will always be angry with DixieBitch. If JR had not been crazy with grief over his mother’s death, it is unlikely he would have jumped on that tramp steamer. If he had not done that, he would not have met Babe. If he had not met Babe, she would never have come to PV. More importantly, Krystal would not have come to PV. You do not need one of Lily’s equations to figure out that it is DixieBitch’s fault that we have to endure the Careys. Damn her. Damn her. Damn her.

How about some non-sequiturs before my head explodes?

“Thank you, Janet. I take great comfort in that.” True he did not mean those words in the way she heard them, but JR was kind enough to say that to Janet. He can be such a good boy.

Thank you Josh for saying the word “abort” instead of “procedure” or “termination”. Since the word “abortion” was used during the original story it was beyond disingenuous for the writers not to use it now.

“It’s probably just the medication.” That’s a good excuse Janet. It’s one I use all the time.

“I can show you parts of your body you didn’t know existed.” I did not even want to know Erica’s uterus existed and now this?

The Fusion wing? Why haven’t we heard about this before? Could it be because JR has not needed a way to kill Babe before now?

I freaked a bit when I first saw Greg in that pale aqua jacket. I was afraid he was wearing a leisure suit.

Has anyone thought to tell Palmer that DixieBitch is really alive this time?

Damn, Brooke was looking mighty fine this week. How did the wardrobe department let that happen?

In a town full of hypocrites it was good to see Brooke not judging Di but understanding her.

“The only thing that has come between us is the law.” True enough Erica. When Jack finds out the secrets you have been keeping, you just might find the divorce laws coming between you.

I thought Stuart was annoying during his “Babe just has a big heart” phase but his “Dixie must have had good reasons. You just have to look for them” phase has me wanting to never see him again.

“I got my new shirt on.” Geesh, Zach is so adorable when he is being adorable isn’t he?

When Lily saw Erica’s dress why didn’t she run screaming from the room? Not because of the color but because it was so damn ugly. My eyes may never forgive me for looking at it.

Jamie punched David. Jamie punched a stranger. Why does everyone think JR is the brother with the anger management problem?

Which card will the best seller this Mother’s Day in PV? The one saying “MOM SWEET MOM” or the one saying “My perfect mother was just a perfect lying bitch” ?

Anyone else enjoy the scene with Josh and Jamie playing with their balls? I am referring to basketballs, what did you think I meant?

What is DixieBitch using for money? Just asking.

“I could lose my daughter. I could lose my self-respect.” Anyone else notice that Erica could not bring herself to say, “I could lose my grandchild” ?

Will this week’s spoilers find us needing a rich, fun and frothy drink to ease our pain? Let’s see, shall we?

DixieBitch’s need to hold on to her secrets continues to complicate matters.

DixieBitch asks David for some truth serum to give to Greg.

See? When there’s trouble, all roads lead to David. Yet he is not on anyone’s Christmas list. Damn hypocrites.

David tells DixieBitch he will trade the serum for her forgiveness.

Oh, David, you were making such progress on the DixieBitch front.

DixieBitch kisses David. She then tells him she will never forgive him.

For being a better kisser than Tad?

DixieBitch tells David never to hurt JR again. Ever.

DixieBitch may no longer be a Martin, but she never forgot what they taught her about hypocrisy.

JR witnessed his dead-not-dead mother kiss David.

Damn that David. How dare he hurt JR this way?

David puts all the pieces together realizing that Greg had something to do with Kate.

David really is the brightest bulb in the Pine Valley chandelier.

Greg catches DixieBitch trying to slip the serum into his rich, fun and frothy drink.

DixieBitch should have stopped by Erica’s first to get some tips on discreetly drugging someone.

Ryan tells DixieBitch to tell Zach to tell Kendall what she told Zach about Madden that could influence Kendall’s opinion of Madden.

Asking DixieBitch to tell Kendall directly would just be too simple, wouldn’t it?

Wanna bet that right about now JR is wishing he stayed on that tramp steamer?

After seeing the kiss, JR believes his mother lied about being involved with David.

What kind of son is he to so quickly decide his mother is lying? The kind DixieBitch deserves that’s what kind.

JR believes the only thing that will help him is his old friend Jim Beam.

Not the best course of action JR could take, yet a perfectly understandable one. Who am I to judge anyway? After seeing the upcoming kiss, I’ll probably be hitting the bottle myself.

Finding Babe and Jamie together does not improve JR’s mood.

It seldom improves mine, either.

JR talks with Julia about his mother’s return.

“Look, JR, I would love to be sympathetic, but DixieBitch was only gone for four years. I was stuck in the WPP for NINE years.”

Tad tries to talk with JR about DixieBitch. JR insists that no one should ever forgive her. Ever.

Doesn’t happen often, but when JR is right he’s right.

Worried about him, JR’s family confronts him about his drinking.

Why do I fear that this is yet another opportunity for everyone to scream about what an awful father Adam is?

DixieBitch is desolate that her son continues to believe that she chose her daughter over him.

I agree with her. After all the facts and information she has given him, how can JR still believe that?

JR’s belief that Janet was telling the truth grows stronger.

I cannot fault him for that. After all, Janet was telling the truth.

Convinced that Babe is planning on taking Lil’A away from him (again), JR plots his revenge.

One more thing for people to blame on Adam. DixieBitch will be the first in line to accuse him. It’s just her way.

JR asks Babe to meet him at the Fusion wing construction site.

It would be so much easier if JR just threw her off the Fusion roof.

For reasons that are even more mysterious than DixieBitch’s secrets, Kendall goes to meet JR instead of Babe. This makes Kendall the victim of JR’s plot.

Of course Kendall is the victim. One of the tenets of life in the Valley: No lead character can be happier for more than a week, two weeks tops.

For a girl who isn’t typical, Lily sure is having a typical adolescence. Much to Jack’s dismay.

Jack decides the only thing he can do is take Lily back to her boarding school. This news does not make Lily happy.

One equation Lily has not learned yet: Parent + lying teenager = extreme action.

Ryan tells Jonathan that school is the best option for Lily.

Yikes, that’s two weeks in a row where Ryan did something right. If this keeps up I am going to have to shoot myself. Or Ryan.

Jackson and Lily board the train. Lily looks for an opportunity to slip away from Jackson.

Yep, the train seems like a great idea. No chance of anyone wearing red getting on the train, is there? Or any chance of red being in the landscape as it zooms by either. Of course Lily slipping away from Jack on a plane would be a bit more problematic.

Lily stays on the train. She disembarks in NYC.

Why do I think Lily is not going to love my hometown as much as I do?

Saving the best for last:

Zach helps Kendall realize that she does want to raise her baby.

As I said, Zach is no mere mortal.

Zach tells Kendall he wants the three of them to be a family.

I am assuming the third party is the baby, not Ryan.

Kendall and Zach make love.

It’s about damn time. If the yacht’s a rockin’ don’t come knockin’.

Kendall and Zach decide to get married. Not wanting to wait a moment longer, they get married on the yacht.

How romantic. How wonderful. How long will their happiness together last? Until Kendall finds out that Zach has been keeping DixieBitch’s secret. A secret that would have spared Kendall a whole lot of stress. Damn that DixieBitch.

The Slaters return to Pine Valley.

Hmmm, I wonder how Erica will take the news?

“Kendall, you insisting that Greg Madden be your doctor was bad enough, but THIS?”

Erica tosses her hair and storms off in frustration. Her frustration level goes down once she finds a way to blame this all on Jack.

“This is ALL your fault. You do realize, don’t you, that if you hadn’t had the stupid idea to moor the boat at the Yacht Club none of this would ever have happened. You fault, Jackson, your fault!”

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

One Life to Live

Nash fighting Antonio. Antonio fighting anyone who happens to cross his path. Tess and Jess fighting for control. Jess and Tess trying to figure out who should give birth to the baby, be it a Bess or a Les.

Why are they making things so complicated? When she is Tess, she can be with Nash. And if Jess is in control, she can be with Antonio. Bess/Les can call either one “Mom.” As for Nash and Antonio, it’s not like Bess/Les will the only child in school with two daddies.

This simple solution to a complicated problem could be OLTL’s twisted homage to HBO’s Big Love.

Sure you laugh, but would you rather watch this story or endure more of the integration story that will not end?

Just saying.

Enough fussing, on to the spoilers:

Monday

Viki urges Tess and Jessica to do what is right for the baby.

“Well, first we have to get the child enrolled in Llanview Montessori. Then it’s off to Dalton. If it’s a boy, let’s aim for Harvard or Yale. In a pinch, there’s always Princeton. Of course if it’s a girl, she will go to my alma mater, Wellsley. Summers will be spent attending Maggie Carpenter’s Clown School in Paris. Ryan Lavery, from Pine Valley, assures me it’s a wonderful school. Of course, the child will start therapy in the third grade, no sense taking chances.”

Antonio insists on a paternity test.

Why do I think it’s not so much about being the father but more about being able to say Nash, “Nah, nah, my sperm is stronger than your sperm. My sperm is stronger ‘cause I’m Antonio. My sperm is stronger than yours.”

David sees Margaret, who has no memories of anyone in Llanview.

Can’t say that I blame her; there are quite a few residents I’d like to forget, too.

Spencer learns Evangeline is investigating his past.

That doesn’t bode too well for Evangeline’s future does it?

Paige ends things with Bo.

Given how boring she is, will Bo even notice she’s gone?

Tuesday

John and Natalie argue about her actions.

Oh god, not this again.

Spencer learns David is in Thailand.

I would love to spend one night in Bangkok with David as my oyster. I would waste no time in shucking him. Repeatedly.

Spencer puts Denton on David’s trail.

When, pray tell, does Spencer find time to practice medicine?

Marcie and her bachleorette party crash Michael’s bachelor party.

At least someone in Llanview remembers how to have a good time.

Hugh suspects he is in the dark.

Tripping over things was his first clue.

Wednesday

John and Natalie remain at odds.

They really are Llanview’s at odds couple aren’t they?

Cristian and Natalie share memories of their time together.

“Remember how we kissed while I was still married to Jen?” “Yes, it was so romantic. Remember how you let me believe you were an imposter causing me endless amounts of grief and embarrassment?” “Yes, I do.” “Good times. Good times.”

Antonio’s suspicions flare after he talks to Claudia.

Shouldn’t that spoiler read “Antonio’s nostrils flare after he talks with Claudia” instead?

Nash learns Claudia is moving to Llanview.

“Damn, how did she get put on contract?”

Kelly urges Kevin to work on their relationship.

“You know I would like to, really I would, but Mr. Tanqueray here is just so much more fun than you are.”

Thursday

Marcie and Michael prepare for the wedding.

They prepare by asking those all-important Llanview pre-nuptial questions: 1. Do you have former spouses you believe to be dead but may not be? 2. Do you have an alters I haven’t met yet? 3. Have the souls of any of my previous boyfriends been incorporated with yours? I cannot wait to hear Michael’s reply to that last one.

John and Natalie admit they want to be part of each other’s lives.

Oh, that again. They say it, but they don’t ever do anything about it.

Natalie makes a shocking discovery.

That other people need a degree before being hired by the LPD?

Margaret visits David in jail.

David’s bad luck just never ends does it?

Bo questions Todd about Paige?

“I want you to tell me the truth, Manning. Is Paige really as boring as Kate thinks she is?” “Yep.”

Kevin misinterprets Kelly’s reaction.

Haven’t Kevin and Kelly been misinterpreting each other since they returned to Llanview?

Friday

Marcie and Michael exchange vows.

This will be nice. I cannot remember the last time something nice happened in Llanview, can you?

Natalie shares her newfound knowledge with Cristian and Evangeline.

“Did you two know that other people have to have some sort of degree to be hired by the LPD?”

John realizes what Natalie is up to.

Oh dear, could it be putting herself in danger by messing in his life when he expressly told her not to?

David begs Margaret to help him.

Let’s hope she doesn’t tell David that she will help him only if he has sex with her.

Antonio clashes with Tess.

This sort of thing wouldn’t happen if they just took the time to coordinate both of their outfits, now would it?

Kevin and Kelly have a fight.

Well, there’s a surprise.

Duke comforts Kelly.

If there is a better way to comfort your ex-stepmother than by having sex with her, I haven’t heard of it.

Don’t worry. Sage will be back next week.

General Hospital

I confess. I stopped watching GH on regular basis about 3 years ago. The mob centric stories just were not interesting. Still, I was saddened to hear that Jason and Sonny broke up.

The news had me drifting back to when they first fell in love.

Yes, there were hints along the way. The way Sonny would be distracted whenever Jason wore those tight jeans. The cute way Jason would insist Sonny was the only person who understood him. The way Jason had sex with Sonny’s sister.

Remember when they finally knew what we had known all along? It was during that mob weekend get together in Atlantic City. The hotel was overbooked. Sonny offered to let Jason share his room. That first night Sonny taught Jason his favorite poker game, Texas Hold Me. The second night second Sonny asked Jason to teach him the finer points of cold cocking.

It wasn’t til that last night when they knew it was love. Sonny seemed a little tense after the mob cocktail party. Jason wanted to know what had upset him. Sonny replied, “I saw you flirting with Bobby the Greek, YOU WHORE!” Sonny then flung his glass against the wall; his emotions reflected, as always, in the broken shards of glass on the floor. After that, there was no denying it was love.

That’s why I wish Sonny would stop having sex with Jason’s sister and run back to him. At least show Sonny’s downstairs neighbors complaining about his constantly playing Can’t Help Loving That Man of Mine.

Let’s just hope we don’t have to wait until November Sweeps for these two kids to work things out.

Now for what brought you here, the spoilers.

Monday

Sonny learns he is not responsible for Sam’s shooting.

Of course he isn’t responsible, he’s Sonny.

Jason learns Sam may need a hysterectomy.

AMC has me thinking about Erica’s uterus. Now GH wants me to think about Sam’s. I want to know who at ABC is uterus-obsessed.

Emily learns that Sonny put a hit out on Jason.

“Umm, this means, umm, Sonny, that umm, I can’t, umm, be involummed, with you, umm, anymore.”

Carly wants to get Sonny out of Michael and Morgan’s lives.

Carly is fine when Sonny puts out hits on strangers but putting a hit out on her best friend is a different matter altogether.

Luke is found tied to a bed.

Please have Robert tickle him with a feather. Please. Please. Please.

Tuesday

Sonny convinces Jason that he is not responsible for Sam’s shooting.

“Look into my eyes, Jason, look deeply into my eyes. You’ll see I am telling you the truth.”

Sam dreams she is on the verge of telling Alexis the truth.

That Sonny thinks Sam was better in bed than Alexis?

Carly clashes with Emily.

In any clashing, Carly is bound to come out the winner. Especially now that Laura Wright is Carly.

Jax eases Michael’s fears.

“Trust me, just because I am marrying your mother doesn’t mean I will be hanging Sonny in a meat locker so I can get parental rights. We Australians are much more civilized than that. I’ll just have a dingo eat him.”

Robin sees a new side of Patrick.

Whichever side it is, let’s hope it’s naked.

Luke, Holly and Robert land in hot water.

As in hot tub or as in jail? If it’s the latter, will Anna rescue them?

Wednesday

Carly and Durant walk into Manny’s trap.

What did he use a bait? My money’s on incriminating evidence against Sonny.

Alex prepares a case against Sonny.

Hasn’t she been doing this for years? I am beginning to think she really is a lousy lawyer.

Jason learns that Sam’s condition is deteriorating.

Every time Sam is in the hospital her condition deteriorates. Since she is in the hospital every other month, this can hardly be a surprise to Jason.

Noah begs Patrick not to perform a risky surgery.

“Don’t talk to strangers about this, Patrick. Listen to me.”

Patrick’s patient dies.

Just because Dad is a drunk, doesn’t mean he cannot be right some of the time.

Thursday

Monica tells Jason that Sam’s condition could be fatal.

Once again, this should not come as a surprise to Jason. Now if Sam died, that could be a surprise.

Ric urges Sonny to move against Jason.

Jealousy does not look good on you Ric. Not good at all.

Jax comes to the rescue.

“Here he comes to save the day, Mighty Jax is on the way..”

Robin, Elizabeth, Kelly, Emily and Lainey drink and fantasize about Patrick.

Emily’s fantasy will take the longest because of the “umm” factor.

Nikolas grows suspicious of Jax.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to claim your son as his own.

Friday

Jason worries that Sam might die.

Shouldn’t that read, “For the thousandth time, Jason worries that Sam might die” ?

Jason has news for Alexis.

That Sam is her daughter? Or that he wants to see if Sonny was right about Sam being better in bed?

Dr. Meadows orders another paternity test on John after having a run-in with Jax.

Wanted to bet a dingo eats Dr. Meadows before the test is actually performed?

Carly and Bobbie comfort each other.

At the bachelor pimping last week, what Carly had to say about Tony was nice. Nice, but not fun. Fun would have been, “Tony Jones was not only the man I stole from my mother, but he was also my friend.”

Luke, Holly and Robert learn there is a bounty on their heads.

Insert your own paper towel joke here.

Luke has a plan.

I love a Luke plan. As long as it doesn’t involve Luke leaving town for months and months.

Thanks for reading. I promise Sage will be back next week!