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For the week of June 19, 2006

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This week a damn fine looking Jeff Colby Martin arrived in PV and not a moment too soon. This week a damn irritating Bianca Montgomery left PV and not a moment too soon. This week DixieBitch advanced from being merely being  a bitch to being a loathsome bitch. Almost everyone in PV alluded to being the one who made Madden disappear, but none have taken credit for the deed. Being six feet under did not deter Greg from railing against almost everyone in the Pine Valley universe. Over at Pine Valley Junior High, I mean Fusion, Simone, Dani and Erin railed against Babe. Babe then railed against them for railing against her. Meanwhile I railed against my FFd button for not working properly. Josh and the underused Amanda fed each other’s delusions about Greg. Erica remains deluded about her ability to flirt men into doing her bidding. By week’s end I wanted to slap everyone, save Amanda, Jeff and Spike.  This week’s “Just Get a Room Already” award goes to Babe and Bianca.  

How many characters will deserve slapping next week? Let’s see: 

Even more scales fall from Tad’s eyes about DixieBitch. 

Tad doesn’t discover his daughter, but he does discover that DixieBitch had a boyfriend in Europe. The boyfriend’s name is Ian Delaney.  

Whoa, Nellie. I thought DixieBitch swore that all she had done during the past four years was look for Kate. Did she think Greg had hidden her daughter in Ian’s bedroom? 

DixieBitch admits that Tad is right about Ian. She further admits that Ian has been financing her search for Kate. 

That’s understandable. It’s not like DixieBitch knew anyone back in PV with money or connections. Oh, wait…. 

DixieBitch further infuriates Tad by saying that even the worst European wine tastes better than anything Orsini produces. 

Well, maybe I did make this one up. 

Tad makes it clear that once Kate is found, he will have custody, not DixieBitch. 

Tad isn’t the only one with custody concerns; the adoptive parents will undoubtedly have a few of their own. A complicated heart wrenching custody story would be compelling. Once upon a time, I believed AMC could do a great job with that kind of drama. Now? Not so much. 

DixieBitch’s other child, JR, may start wishing he could disappear, too. 

Ryan tells JR that accidents can happen to anyone, even a Chandler scion. 

“Well, Lavery,it just so happens I drive a Daimler not a Scion. Idiot.” 

Babe and JR decide to hang out on the Fusion roof. 

That’s understandable. It’s not as if they live in a mansion with lush gardens, a pool and air conditioning. Oh, wait… 

Something falls from the sky, coming thisclose to smashing Babe and JR. 

Is it a meteor? Greenlee’s abandoned trapeze rigging? A ton of pigeon droppings? Anything of these work for me. 

It’s not all fun and frolic with the Slaters, either. 

Kendall demands to know why Zach has been helping DixieBitch. 

Married less than a month and already another woman is coming between them.  

Zach explains that by helping DixieBitch he was also helping Kendall. 

Damn, Zach is good. Other wives get told nonsense like “I was working late. And my cell phone wasn’t charged. And the traffic was bad. And a ton of pigeon droppings fell on my car.” 

Zach then tells Kendall that he is not going after JR. Why? Because he promised DixieBitch that’s why. 

“Damn, Kate was right, DixieBitch must have some pretty amazing pheromones. Fusion could market them, but why should I make that skank Babe any richer than she is?” 

Kendall gets past her anger and spends some romantic time with her husband. 

Proving that Zach must have some pretty powerful pheromones, himself. 

Family problems abound in PV this week: 

Erica tells Jack the truth about Josh.  

“You don’t know jack about Josh, Jack. Not only did he drug me but he is also Bianca and Kendall’s brother.”  

Jack is feeling hurt, angry and betrayed that Erica withheld the truth from him. He seeks solace from the only other person in PV who doesn’t know the truth about Josh. Brooke. 

 A Brooke scene is always welcome. This could almost make up for the Brooke/Amanda scene about surrogacy that should have happened but never did. 

The scales fall from Jack’s eyes and he realizes Erica tried to murder Madden. 

Everybody be careful now. Don’t slip on those scales that are falling all over PV. 

Jeff tells Jack and Erica that he will decide what to tell Josh and when. 

Who the hell does Jeff think he is, Josh’s biodad? 

Speaking of sons, Ryan starts to think that he may not be Spike’s father. 

Tell us Ryan, was it the Donor #1 info that got you thinking that? Or the fact that Spike hasn’t licked his lips once since being born? 

Meanwhile, beneath the park: 

The mysterious voice informs Greg that Jeff is back in town. 

“I could show Jeff parts of Erica’s body he never knew existed!” 

Greg tells his captor, once again, that if he dies, they never will find Kate. 

“How about this, Madden? You tell me where Kate is and I will see that you get to see those parts of Erica’s body only known to you. It’s a win/win for all of us. Well, maybe not for Erica..” 

Liquid starts to flood Greg’s coffin. 

Is it rain? Or did Palmer’s Dobermans take a break while on their morning run? 

Other stuff happens, too: 

Lily’s bad Samaritan, Terry, arrives in PV. He hires Aidan to find his wife Annie and their daughter. 

Could their daughter possibly be Kate Martin Jr.?  How could she not be? 

Spotted Dick discovers that Di and Annie know each other. 

Did they meet in Crow Hollow? Or prison? Or at the annual Pole Dancers convention?  Or do they have a Dragon connection? Will it turn out that Terry worked for the Dragon?  Will Terry’s nefarious past cost him and his wife custody of their daughter aka Kate Martin Jr.?  By the time this all gets resolved, will we care? 

Dani, Erin and Simone make Babe’s life at Fusion pretty awful. 

What do they do this week? Hide all the ladies room toilet paper? Write “ Babe Stinks!” on her computer screen in lipgloss?   Have a party and make sure Babe knows everyone is invited except her?   Who knows what those little scamps will think of next! 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!