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For the week of June 5, 2006

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It’s a bad AMC week when I cannot remember much that happened. Hmm.. Erica changed her hairstyle in public!  Kendall may have been having a C-section but it sounded more like she was having some sexual healing.  Turns out it’s a bad thing to fire a gun in the ICU.  There was too much everyone else and not nearly enough Miranda. There is something worse than watching an Aidan/Erin sex scene and that’s watching a Jamie/Julia sex scene. Amanda sure looked pretty all dressed up as a sparkly surrogate. Zach in jail was sexier than JR in jail. Erica’s smack down of Greg was trunk-ated. At PVH sperm donors are automatically allowed in the delivery room while, inexplicably, husbands need special permission- from the sperm donor. Jonathan’s head hurt but not as much as mine did while watching him marry Lily. Not surprisingly Ryan and Bianca tied as the most insufferable character of the week. 

Will even more exciting stuff happen this week? Let’s see: 

“Leaving on a jet plane..” 

Erica stays in the trunk while Greg gives his pilot orders to take off. 

It could be worse, Erica, you could be flying coach. 

Greg is unpleasantly surprised to discover that Del sabotaged the plane. 

You know what would really surprise me?  Del knowing how to spell sabotage, that’s what. 

Greg leaves Erica to sleep it off on a park bench. 

What will embarrass Erica more than waking up on a park bench? Waking up on a park bench with her hair in a ponytail. 

Babe finds Erica sleeping on the park bench. 

They are sacrificing way too much to prop up Babe. It would be much more interesting, not to mention funny, if Brooke found Erica sleeping on a park bench. 

Just as Greg is about to make his escape, he is cold-cocked from behind. 

So many jokes, so few that are not completely X-rated. (Hey, my in-laws read this column.) 

Greg wakes up to find himself buried alive. 

Under a pile of regrets? Nope, in a box underground.  

Greg discovers his underground prison has food, water and an Air Supply. 

Greg soon realizes it’s better to be all out of love than to be all out of air. (Yes, it’s a bad joke, but you really didn’t expect me not to make it, did you?) 

Soon a disguised voice tells Greg he will be set free as soon as he reveals where Kate is. 

This sounds like something Janet would do, except who would have told her about Madden’s plans for Amanda? Zach could arrange this but he has been a little busy lately. David? Drugs are more his style but maybe he is branching out. 

Del tells Tad and Zach that he is the one who sabotaged Greg’s plane. 

Tad and Zach are stunned to learn that Del knows what sabotage means. 

At first Josh pretends he does not care that Greg has disappeared. Later he demands answers. 

“Why does my father have an accent and I don’t? Why isn’t Hazel returning my phone calls? I am not in a coma, why am I doing a voiceover? 

DixieBitch and Tad return from Maine without lobsters. 

JR and DixieBitch reach an understanding. 

JR accepts the fact that it was  all Madden’s fault that DixieBitch stayed away for so long. DixieBitch accepts the fact that JR accepts the lie, I mean the fact, that it was all Madden’s fault she stayed away for so long. 

DixieBitch tells Tad that informing him about Kate immediately would have been a better plan than trying to find Kate on her own. 

Or even telling Tad a year or two after Kate disappeared would have been a better plan. Or telling Tad as soon as he discovered she was in Pine Valley would have been a better plan. Just about anything would have been a better plan.  

Tad promises DixieBitch that together they will find their daughter. 

It would make me happy if Di and David found her first. “Over the moon” happy. 

It’s a happy day at PVH. 

Everyone is happy when Kendall comes out of her coma. 

Especially viewers, since an awake Kendall means no more voiceovers. 

Out on bail, Zach rushes to see his wife. The Slaters have a tearful reunion. 

Not even the fact that Tad didn’t bring them lobsters can diminish their joy. 

Kendall sees her son for the first time. 

“Will  someone please take that clown nose off of my son? Ahh, that’s better, now Spike is absolutely perfect.” 

Kendall loves Zach even more when she finds out what he did to protect Spike. 

“Not only did you stand up to my mother, defy a court order and not pee for days, but you also made nice with Ryan. My hero.” 

Kendall doesn’t remember anything about the accident. She is shocked to learn that it was caused by JR. 

“That’s it JR, I’ve had it with you. Not only are we no longer friends with benefits, we are also no longer BFF.” 

Other stuff happens, too. 

Jonathan and Lily refuse to annul their marriage. Jack agrees to let them live in Greenlee’s penthouse. 

It will be so cute watching them adjust to married life, won’t it? If Jonathan thinks Lily gets upset when she sees red, just wait until he forgets to put the seat down.  

Here’s to another week in the Valley.