AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

Kate Brown is taking some time off to tend to personal issue. She will be back with her wonderful AMC Spoiler Commentary at a later date. Meanwhile, Sage will provide spoiler commentary for AMC in his column, "Sage's Spoiler Party."

For the week of June 26, 2006

This week I learned that Greg’s captors have very impressive skills. Not only did they un-bury Greg, clean him up, replenish his supplies and re-coffin him, they did it without disturbing a blossom on the flowers above. Very impressive indeed. However, if the coffin has a trap door right into one of the Chandler tunnels, then their skills will still be impressive just not very impressive. What else did I learn? That while I don’t know if Josh likes scuba diving or jet skiing, I do know he wasn’t interested in playing watersports with JR. That David and Zach are the sexiest sly dogs in PV. That if the bickering at Fusion doesn’t stop soon, I am going to “accidentally” drop construction supplies on everyone there. That the naked shower sex scene on ATWT was much hotter than AMC’s. (ATWT actually showed viewers Mark Collier’s amazingly naked posterior.) That infant Spike is as adorable as his cousin Miranda. That Babe will never understand that other people’s feelings matter as much as her own. That I wish Amanda had much more screen time and that Erin had much much less. That I think Janet and Hazel have run off together. That no one bothered to inform me about New Jersey falling into the Atlantic! That’s the only sensible explanation for refreshingly glorious head-clearing ocean breezes to be wafting over the Pine Valley Pennsylvania Yacht Club. (Of course expecting sensible things on AMC is not very sensible at all.) That I will not be surprised if Spike’s nanny leads us into The Hand That Rocks The Cradle territory. That a week without Krystal is even more glorious than the refreshing ocean breezes wafting over the Yacht Club. This week’s “Best Use of a Hand Prop” award goes to JR Chandler.

Will this week’s spoilers make me want to run off with Janet and Hazel? Let’s see:

“I feel the earth move under my feet…..”

Greg’s coffin continues to fill with water.

It’s too bad this conversation will never happen: “Josh, you will not believe this. Some cretin buried me in a coffin and it started to fill with water. It was a horrifying experience.” “You think that’s bad, Dad, well, JR Chandler peed on my shoe!” “Oh, Joshua.”

Greg decides to reveal all about Kate’s location.

“That darling girl was adopted by a lovely family, the McDermotts of NYC. I checked them out personally. They are such a good, deserving family. It was clear from my interviews that they, especially Mr. McDermott, had a real interest in young ladies. Not only did they adore their new daughter, so did her godfather, who everyone called the Dragon. Isn’t that sweet?”

Just as Greg is about to reveal all, a tremor rocks Pine Valley!

That’s not really surprising. Build a town on the ocean and tremors are part of the deal.

Dirt starts to pour into Greg’s coffin.

That megalomaniac just cannot catch a break, can he?

While Greg is busy having a mud bath, everyone else in the Valley continues the Kate search.

David lures DixieBitch away from PV to follow a false lead.

DixieBitch is certainly a lot of work. David would not have to lure me anywhere. The simple words, “Bed. Now.” would work just fine.

When DixieBitch confesses to trading sex for money and contacts, David comforts her.

“Why did you do that, Dixie? If you had only come to me. I would have let you trade sex for money, contacts and experimental dangerous drugs.”

DixieBitch and David share a very passionate kiss.

Isn’t that redundant? Isn’t every kiss with David passionate?

Tad shows up, none too pleased at the DixieBitch/David situation.

Well, Tad, I am not too pleased with it myself.

DixieBitch walks out on both men. David tells Tad that he is a much better kisser than DixieBitch. Tad blushes.

Well, it could happen.

It’s not exactly newlywed bliss for the Slaters.

Kendall is angry when Zach does not tell her about his hearing.

What? What? Could you speak up, please? Oh, you mean Zach’s court hearing. Silly me.

Kendall testifies in support of Zach.

And she does it all without committing perjury!

Kendall is not happy when Zach says he likes DixieBitch. Instead of lashing out, Kendall keeps her own counsel.

Is it real character growth or just today’s plot device?

The Chandler dynasty continues its sad decline.

JR signs over custody of Lil’A and all his CE shares over to Babe.

Clearly alcohol-related dementia has set in.

Adam is appalled when he finds out what JR has done.

Like father, like son. After all, hasn’t Adam given Krystal control of his life? This continuing emasculation of the Chandler men is pathetic.

Other stuff happens, too.

Erica is upset when she learns that Jack and Brooke spent the night together on the yacht.

What can I say Erica? If the yacht’s a rockin’ don’t come knockin’.

Amanda discovers that Jonathan has recovered. She warns Jonathan that his lying will hurt Lily more than the truth.

But will it hurt Lily more than if Jonathan wore red?

Ryan declines Julia’s offer to run a DNA test on Spike.

“I don’t need a DNA test to know that Spike is my son. There is no doubt in my mind. I mean, just look at the way he drools when I dangle this clown nose over him.”

Erin breaks up with Aidan.

Oh, goody. Another mind-numbing Erin scene.

Jamie and JR decide the best way to get the Maddening truth out of Josh is by hanging him in a meat freezer.

Who knew Jamie and JR were devotees of Sonny Corinthos ? Not me.

Oh those AMC actors.

Tonya Pinkins (Livia) has been taken off contract. According to ABC we may still see her from time to time.

ABC continues to astonish me and not in a good way. Jamal is coming to town, so his mother Livia now becomes a recurring character. In what universe does this make sense?

Jill Larson (Opal) has also been taken off contract. We may see her again, we may not.

ABC continues to astonish me and not in a good way. The search for Kate is a front burner story, so her grandmother Opal now becomes a recurring character? In what universe does this make sense?

Here’s to another week in the Valley.