AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Oct 8, 2006

“He (JR) let me fall in love with another man.”

Babe’s talents are clearly wasted at Fusion. Don’t you think Babe’s ability to deflect responsibility for her bad actions onto others makes her ideally suited for politics?

That notion aside, since JR continues to be painted as Satan, I suppose Babe’s defense will always be “the Devil made me do it.” This week JR tormented Amanda, who was his hit and run victim, about her sexual proclivities and her crazy mother. He even took credit for Amanda being a good lover. JR not so kindly let Colby know that she ranked somewhere slightly ahead of Winifred but well below the Careys in the Chandler food chain. I can hardly wait for Halloween when JR steals the trick or treaters’ candy and UNICEF boxes, can you?

There is usually someone to root for in a soap triangle, but not with JR/Babe/Josh. My feelings about Babe are well documented. I haven’t really said much about Josh because he just is not that interesting. Josh certainly is not the hero in this story. (Are there any heroes left in Pine Valley?) His pursuit of a married woman, even if that woman is Babe, is unseemly at best. Now that Josh’s paterfamilias has blessed that pursuit, his actions will only get worse.

JR has no more real clue about Babe’s affair than Adam has about Krystal’s night with Tad. It dawns on me who I really want to win in both these triangles and that is the Martin sperm. It would be heavenly if both wives were Carey-ing Martin spawn. Both Chandler men could divorce their wives, getting their family jewels back in the property settlement. While the notion of more Martins is not exactly fun, it would be a fair trade for getting the non-whipped Adam and JR back. Ah well, a girl can dream can’t she?

It will be a long time before Tad has another good dream. First, there is the guilt from killing Madden and then there is being saddled with Dixie for the rest of his life. Good dreams do not come from such horrors. The whole Madden murder story has holes big enough to drive Erica’s next Botox shipment through, doesn’t it? Tad wanted to hide Greg “a place that was quiet, someplace empty” so he chose the Pine Valley Park? The park that never sleeps? The only public place in Pine Valley busier is the boathouse. I do not think I will ever look at Tad the same way again. Not because he murdered Greg but because at one point he drugged Greg, bathed him and returned him to the coffin. That has an even higher “ick” factor than Greg offering to show Erica places on her body she never knew existed.

(I do not like to pick on a man when he down, unless it’s Ryan, but Tad, dear, your memory is faulty. Ray Gardner did not dump you and your broken limb in the cheery, people filled Pine Valley Park That Never Sleeps. Nope, Daddy Dearest dumped you on the highway next to the State Park. Alone. At night. That cruel bastard dumped a cute little blonde curly headed boy in a State Park where he could have wandered for days. Or died.)

It’s no surprise that the Madden murder mystery was muddled but at least it’s over. I hope. The only thing that saved it from being completely ridiculous was Michael E. Knight’s performance. A carefully crafted performance that the actor had been building for months. Tad’s increasing state of dishabille. His reluctance to look anyone in the eye. Tad’s posture getting worse until it looked like the weight of many worlds was on his shoulders. Mr. Knight took dross and spun it into gold.

I did find it interesting when Tad asked Jamie if he was alright after his duplicitous turn in the courtroom. Is perjury more difficult to live with than letting your brother believe his son is dead, Jamie? Just asking.

I found it totally enjoyable when Dixie discovered she was the outsider in the murder trial. That Zach, Jamie, Kagan and Jamie all knew what Tad was doing. How does it feel, Dixie, to be the outsider in your own life? Maybe you should ask Kendall, I am sure she would be delighted to let you know.

Dixie is a twit. Facing life in prison, all she can really think about is whether or not Zach is going to ask her to go steady. Even searching for Kate seemed like an afterthought.

A simple invitation to go hang gliding was enough to make Di realize she is more than an afterthought in Aidan’s life. I like them together. It is refreshing to see characters that are happy.

It’s painful to see Amanda putting herself in a situation that is not going to make her happy.

Would it have killed TPTB to let us see Simone rehiring Josh?

It was touching when Adam was talking about his children. It would have been even more touching had he mentioned his oldest daughter, Skye.

Why did Erica move into the Valley Inn when she has a perfectly good empty penthouse lying around? I know, I know, it’s so she can find space to be herself with Jeff.

“You can be nice but you make my head hurt.” Lily only had one line this week but it was a good one.

I want David to be onscreen every day until he leaves AMC. Anyone listening?

It’s been awhile since I had a reason to want to move to Pine Valley. Can anyone blame me? Therefore it’s a relief to present this week’s Thank You for Giving Me a Reason to Love Pine Valley award to the Pine Valley Falafel House. Any town with good falafel cannot be all bad, can it?

Will the spoilers have us wanting to find “a place that is quiet, someplace empty” to bury this week’s episodes or not? Let’s see:

The fun begins at Casa Chandler:

Adam realizes the pregnancy test belongs to Colby.

“On the bright side if Colby is pregnant, I can send her to a home for unwed mothers far, far away. EOS’ Kate really does have the best ideas.”

Colby is not pregnant. Not content to leave things at that, Adam insists on knowing who deflowered his daughter.

In retrospect, Hayley’s teenage years weren’t so bad were they, Adam? At least Hayley was interesting and had a damn fine sense of humor.

Wanting to both protect Sean and get back at Babe, Colby tells Adam that Josh seduced her.

I know it’s wrong to applaud Colby’s actions, I really do know it’s wrong. Yet, I cannot help enjoying how complicated this will make Babe’s life.

Derek arrests Josh for statutory rape.

“But Derek, I am confused. I deflowered Dani years ago. Isn’t there some sort of statute of limitations for statutory rape?”

Colby enjoys tormenting Babe by pointing out that Babe could clear Josh. How? By admitting she was doing the adultery mambo with Josh on the night in question.

Imagine how much fun this scene would be if Colby spoke her lines with any sense of nuanced cadence.

Josh falls on his sword to protect Babe. Ow, that must hurt. No, really, he refuses to give his night with Babe as an alibi.

Will a “Long Black Veil” cover be playing in the background? Will this noble sacrifice make me like Josh? The former is likely. As for the latter, no way in hell.

Josh is released on bail. Erica and Jeff stand by their son.

What a perfect tabloid moment! Those “missing Donald Steele” feelings are welling up inside me again.

Kendall overhears Josh and His Alibi discussing their affair.

“I am so embarrassed. How could my brother, my brother have such lousy taste in women?”

Josh tells Kendall to not tell JR about the affair because JR will react badly.

And we all know if Kendall does tell JR and he reacts badly, it will all be Kendall’s fault. C’mon you know Babe would blame Kendall for destroying her family.

JR figures out that Colby is lying about Josh. He sets out on a quest to find the truth.

Trying to find the truth in Pine Valley is at best a fool’s task.

Babe tells Kendall that she will not let Josh go to prison.

And really, Kendall, if you cannot trust Babe, who can you trust?

Josh asks his new sister Bianca for help.

No, not for help in getting his name cleared, but for help in winning Babe. I sense a “Babe is love” speech coming on. Damn. I had hoped Binks would back for at least a week before that trash talk started.

Kate. Kate. Who’s got Kate?

Hurt that Dixie is defending Tad, David taunts her about the missing Kate.

I will be concentrating on enjoying a David scene while ignoring the content.

David tells Dixie he knows where Kate is.

Then why doesn’t he ever send me flowers? Oh, that Kate, not this Kate.

David takes Dixie to see Emma.

This pretty much guarantees that Emma isn’t Kate, doesn’t it? I love that David is messing with Dixie’s head. If that makes me a bitch, so be it.

Dixie is convinced that Emma is Kate. She immediately tells Annie that Emma is really her daughter Kate.

Fortunately, Dixie’s pheromones have no effect on Annie and she refuses to hand Emma over.

Meanwhile Tad tries to convince Ryan that Annie could be Kate. Ryan stands by Annie, telling her he believes that Emma is, well, Emma.

For a moment, I might actually like Ryan. Just for a moment.

Things calm down, but later Annie finds Dixie with Emma. Dixie is asking Emma if she knows what adoption is.

What part of Emma is only four years old does Dixie not get? I would love for Emma to reply, “No, I don’t know what adoption means but I do know who the best actress is in this scene and it’s me!”

Annie decides she and Emma need to leave town.

Who can blame Annie? Two nut cases show up insisting her daughter is really theirs, how would any sane person react? Also, it is not clear to me whether or not Annie is Emma’s biological mother. There is a lot of talk about finding Emma’s bio-Dad but no mention of finding her bio-Mom. (I missed some episodes in July, so maybe I did miss that explanation.)

Other stuff happens, too.

Zach is haunted by visions of Cambias-the-Elder.

Yes, yes, I know Zach is tormented by the supposed Cambias Curse. However, Tad being haunted by visions of Ray Gardner would not be amiss here, would it?

Dixie realizes Krystal could be Carey-ing a mini-Martin.

Oh, goody, another reason for Dixie to be self-righteous! Really cannot have too much of that, can we?

Oh, those AMC actors.

Ronald Guttman returns this week when Cambias-the-Elder haunts Zach.

I always enjoy Mr. Guttman’s performances. I would love it if Cambias-the-Elder simply told Zach to get over himself.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!