AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Sept 4, 2006

“Oh, crap.” I was a bit startled when Jamie said that. Startled because for a moment I thought Jamie was reading my mind. Or at least listening in on one of my conversations with my husband. “Kate, my dearest wife whom I worship and adore, what’s happening on All My Children these days?” “Oh, (the usual) crap.” Really, what else can I say? It isn’t even fresh crap, but recycled crap. Sigh. That said, one enjoyable thing happened on AMC this week. Tad’s goodbye scene with Jamie and JR. It was heartfelt. Jamie wasn’t smug and JR smugger, they were genuine. Michael E. Knight continues to impress me. He does not let his vanity get in the way of showing Tad as a man too beaten down to get a haircut or iron his shirt. It was good stuff that scene. The rest of AMC did not even come close.

Did anyone else find it a little creepy when Erin asked Dani if Josh was a good lover? Even creepier was discovering that Ryan pawed through Kendall’s closet. It’s a weird week in the Valley when Jonathan is the least creepy Lavery. No, I did not find it creepy at all when Jonathan threatened Sean. In fact, I rather enjoyed it. I did not enjoy it as much as Babe enjoyed Josh’s arm rubbing across her breast approximately 18 times. It was such a Junior High move on Josh’s part, but then Fusion is a Junior High kind of place, isn’t it? I wonder if Megan McTavish’s claustrophobia fetish started in Junior High or before? Still, the Wildwind Masoleum is classy place for Tad to be entombed. Krystal seems to be toning her voice and accent down as she acclimates to the classy life at Casa Chandler. Or does it just seem that way compared to Colby’s shouting every sentence while emphasizing all the wrong syllables in each word in every sentence? “I don’t know how to lie.” Lily “said” that sentence exactly right, except that the sentence is a lie. One of the legacies of her relationship with Jonathan was learning how to lie. Just another life skill Lily has picked up along the way. Not her fault, though, it’s all Jack’s fault. As we learned this week, everything is Jack’s fault, including the sorry state of his marriage to Erica. What puzzles me is why Jack thought marriage to Erica would be any different than it is ? Zach and Kendall undoubtedly thought their marriage would be different that it is right now. What about Zach’s secret is so terrible that it will hurt Kendall more than feeling betrayed by her husband? Is Ryan not Spike’s father? Is Kendall not his mother? Is anything on this show making any sense? I think this week’s award makes sense. Yes, the Chris Stamp Memorial Renaissance Man Award goes to Josh Madden, stockbroker, producer, doctor, pilot, cosmetics executive and carpenter. Well done, Joshua, well done.

We have only four days of AMC to fast-forward through, I mean, look forward to, this week. Monday being a holiday, there will be a repeat AMC showing the labor involved in digging up Greg. Still, digging up Greg does not involve as much effort as remaining a loyal AMC viewer does. Will our loyalty be tested again this week or not? Let’s see:

Tad and Kendall have a lot in common this week; both their lives go from bad to worse.

If Tad does not testify against Zach and Dixie, Derek will charge JR and Jamie with evidence tampering.

Tad is really off his game. Shouldn’t he counter Derek’s threat by asking Brooke to run a Tempo expose on the PVPD’s improper handling of evidence? And if JR and Jamie are charged, shouldn’t their accomplice, dear Amanda, also be charged? (Amanda’s “I’m in the mood for evidence tampering” panties could be entered as People’s Exhibit A.)

Tad gives into Derek’s demands. He will be the prosecution’s star witness.

If only Tad and David were on speaking terms. Tad could ask David for a drug to erase his memories of what he saw the night Greg disappeared. If only I lived in Pine Valley. I could ask David for a drug to erase my memories of Pine Valley since the day Greg arrived in town. I would even be willing to sacrifice my memories of David in jeans, that’s how desperate I am.

Tad destroys Kendall when he tells her what he saw the night of Madden’s disappearance.

Tad is different than the other men who have destroyed Kendall. At least he is not claiming to be in love with her while actively destroying her.

Zach and Kendall have a full out verbal brawl over Dixie. Zach refuses to abandon Dixie because they are friends and she needs him.

Got to give AMC props for being a “green” soap. They are saving trees by recycling the scripts from the Kendall/Ryan/Greenlee triangle. (“(Dixie/Greenlee) is my friend. If you and I are to work as a couple, Kendall, you need to trust me and accept that.”)

Kendall walks out on Zach.

And I am holding the door open for her. An ass is an ass, whether it’s Ryan or Zach.

Zach takes Kendall’s leaving him hard, very hard. So hard, in fact, he kisses Dixie passionately just to show how hard it is.

See above about an ass being an ass.

Our little runaways. Run..run..run..runaways…..

Zach asks Dixie to run away with him and leave the PV mess behind.

At this point, I hope Dixie agrees and they flee together. I am almost as tired of Zach as I am of Dixie. (Yes, I am shocked to hear myself say that.)

Jamie asks Julia to leave PV and travel the world with him, having sex in every country as they go.

It’s a sad sad day when I would rather see Zach leave town than Jamie.

Meanwhile at the Valley Inn carpenter shop:

Babe is overcome with emotion when she visits Josh in his hotel room. She doesn’t understand why she wants Josh when JR is the love of her life.

This is one time I cannot find fault with Babe. What woman could resist a half-naked sweaty man building a coffin in his hotel room? Talk about multiple turn-ons!

Josh gets into the coffin and begs Babe to nail the lid on, shutting him in.

How about if you both get in the coffin and I nail the lid shut? How about if I then toss the coffin into the Pine Valley ocean? Works for me. ( I am now taking a brief break while I watch the sex-in-a-coffin episode of Homicide: Life on the Street. Ahh, Bayliss, there was a man who could make a coffin sexy.)

In an effort to quell her Josh desire, Babe rushes home to bed JR.

“Babe, why are you sprinkling sawdust all over the sheets?” “Well, I read in one of Momma’s magazines that sawdust is an aphrodisiac!”

The Sweet Sixteen Saga continues.

Lily convinces Jack to let her attend the party.

Yep, seems logical to me. After all, parties are filled with the things Lily loves: noisy crowds, loud music and the possibility of red. (Colby’s voice makes me want to wear earmuffs; can you imagine the effect it will have on Lily?)

Sean agrees to help Lily with her plan to skip out on the party to meet her new boyfriend.

I can understand why Lily wants to do that, after all her last plan to lie and skip out to meet a boyfriend worked out so well for her, didn’t it? One of the most frustrating things for me is how Lily is being written as stupid instead of as a very bright girl with a developmental disability.

Colby’s and Sydney’s obnoxious behavior reaches epic proportions.

As an epic number of viewers de-TIVO All My Children.

Adam saves the day and Jesse McCartney performs.

And let the “you look familiar-tee hee” fest begin.

Other stuff happens, too.

Amanda confesses to Babe that she loves Jonathan.

While I think Amanda deserves better than the Laverys, this is one romantic pairing that could make sense.

Jamal tells Livia why he put his law degree on hold to help abused women find shelter.

“Well, Mom, Erin is really involved in this movement and she’s a Lavery. Lavery is the way to go if you want a frontburner story. Sure, it would make more sense if my story was connected to you and Tom in some way, but hey, you just got bumped to recurring. No offense Mom.”

Annie asks Ryan to teach her how to shoot a gun.

“Ryan you are a great guy. I appreciate all you have done for me. But when I asked you to teach me how to shoot a gun, I meant a gun that shoots bullets not clown noses.”

And here’s to another week in the Valley!