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For the week of Oct 2, 2006

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“The walls have ears” is not a saying to be tossed around lightly at Casa Chandler. It was fitting that Colby, a self-centered immature wretch, overheard Babe, another self-centered immature wretch, spill her latest secret.  Both “charming” young women then got to spill each other’s secrets to everyone within ear shot. For a brief moment, I thought they each might self-combust from the heat of their own self-righteousness. Alas, that did not happen. What did happen was one of the most purely hypocritical moments in AMC history. Babe queried “Are you even human, Colby?” when she realized Colby had been faking her death. After all, only a subhuman would let a father believe his very much alive child was dead. Of course, Babe was motivated by love when she told JR, in a letter, that Lil’ A was dead and that excuses everything, right? Babe’s total lack of self-awareness makes her a character I hate, as opposed to a character I love to hate.  

Too bad Babe did not inherit the self-awareness gene from her father. His self –awareness makes David interesting. He doesn’t pretend to have lofty motives for his sometimes heinous actions and seldom makes excuses. His self-awareness often makes others quite uncomfortable, as evidenced in this week’s scene with Tad. Sitting on the couch, eating chips, drinking soda, making Tad feel out of place in his own house was pure David.  While I sometimes hate the things David does, I always love watching him.  OK, OK, I admit his sexiness also helps. I got all kinds of warm watching David dip his fingers into the bag of chips. This confession should make me blush and yet it doesn’t.  

I also love watching Myrtle, but who doesn’t? She remains the voice of reason in Pine Valley and goodness knows it needs one. I think AMC should have a Myrtle Day where she visits everyone in town and sets them straight about life.   

I also loved seeing Palmer this week, but where was Opal?  She should have been in court, supporting Tad and giving Dixie the stink eye for being Zach’s whore.  

Speaking of Zach’s whore, why was Dixie running her hand through his hair in the courtroom? More importantly, why didn’t he slap it away? After all, the jury was no longer in the courtroom. 

And, Dixie, maybe the reason Zach did not judge you was because your actions had no direct impact on his life, not because you did nothing wrong.  

No day in a Pine Valley courtroom would be complete without a surprise witness, would it? What surprised me most about Daniel Kagan’s testimony was that the PV Airport, where people wander pretty much wherever they want, has a head of security! Who knew?  

Who knew that JR believes Babe is the reason he is sane? Doesn’t bode well for Babe when JR finds out about her Josh tryst. I just hope JR is sober when he plans his next wife-icide. 

I could talk about Jack’s endless apologies to Jonathan, but watching them was nauseating enough. 

It was the opposite of nauseating when Tad called Dixie “a lying, cheating, sadistic bitch.” Yes, I know it’s all part of Tad’s plan and he did not really mean it, but it was enjoyable to hear nonetheless. 

The best part of Josh’s murder fantasies was his keen perception of Del as the brawn and Di as the brains in their scenario. Oh yeah, and his keen perception of how incredibly hot a grave digging David is. 

“I know a lot about little girls.”  Did anyone else Krystal to then say to Emma, “OK, Emma, pay attention. This is a driver’s license…” ? 

In a surprising turn of events, Tad beat out Myrtle for this week’s award. Yes, the award for Best Magic Trick goes to Michael E. Knight. What magic did he perform? His extraordinary performance, coupled with decent writing, on Friday’s episode made me care, for the first time really, about both Kate’s disappearance and Madden’s murder. No small feat. 

Will AMC have more collective magic up its sleeve this week? Let’s see: 

The courtroom festivities continue: 

Livia continues her attempt to discredit all of Tad’s testimony. 

Oh c’mon, now, Livia, surely not the part about Dixie being a “lying, cheating, sadistic bitch” ?   

The testimony ends and the case is handed to the jury for deliberation. It dawns on Dixie and Zach that their lives are in the jury’s hands. 

It’s just dawning on them now???  What did they think “trial by jury” meant? What a couple of putzes. 

JR attacks Tad, but Jamie defends his father. 

“But, JR, really, Dad is right, Dixie is a lying cheating sadistic bitch.”  (Can you tell I just love saying that?) 

 The 15 watt bulb goes on in his head and Jamie figures out who really buried Greg. 

Will he protect his father? I would love it if all of Tad’s “bad” behavior was traced back to brain damage caused by Jamie’s cold cocking him in that Florida hotel room. 

Josh tries to accept that he may never know who killed Greg. 

Josh will probably accept that sooner than I will accept the whole aborted abortion storyline. 

The jury decides that Zach and Dixie are not guilty of murdering Greg. The jury does find Dixie guilty of being a “lying, cheating, sadistic bitch.” In a related case, the jury renders a guilty verdict against Megan McTavish for the character assassination of Zach Slater. 

OK, maybe I made up a little bit of that spoiler. 

Kendall remains confused about how Zach got the disc. Zach tells Kendall to forget about it. 

Telling Kendall to forget about something is like telling the earth to stop turning.  

Zach finally tells Kendall that knew Madden had been buried alive and did nothing.  

Yep, Zach did nothing except almost destroy his marriage. 

Tad tells Dixie the truth, that he buried Greg, and forgives her for giving Kate away. 

I haven’t forgiven her but for Tad this a truly non-hypocritical moment. There might be hope for this boy, yet. 

How many women in PV are pregnant? 

Colby is afraid she might be pregnant. 

If she is, I hope Adam sends her to a home for unwed mothers in a state far, far away. 

Adam is over the moon about Krystal’s pregnancy. 

That’s because poor Adam thinks he is the only candidate in the DNA pool. 

Colby is less than thrilled about the thought of a new sibling. 

I don’t blame you Colby, Krystal being pregnant makes me throw up, more than a little, in my mouth. 

Babe tells Josh that she loves him, but refuses to have sex with him because she also loves her husband. 

Well, Babe is love after all. 

The Chandlers are not the only family with problems. 

Jack reaches out to Sean. 

Please, please let it be with a First Class ticket. 

Lily comes home from the hospital. 

I cannot wait to see how happy Reggie is to have his sister home. Oh, wait… 

Jeff moves to the Valley Carpenter Shop, I mean to the Valley Inn, to be closer to Josh. 

Save for his sudden adoration of Erica, I rather like this Jeff.  

Erica decides she needs some distance from her family. 

Why do I think “family” is a code word for “Jack”? 

Erica opens up to Jeff. 

What, exactly, does she open up to him? Her heart? Her front door? Her legs? 

Other stuff happens, too. 

Amanda is grateful for Jonathan’s support. 

I wish Amanda would stop being grateful for every little crumb life hands her. 

Babe and Amanda have a little chat about Josh and Jonathan. 

“OK, Babe, I know you are an adulterer because you are married but am I an adulterer too, even though Jonathan is the one who is married, not me?” “Oh, Amanda, you are so wrong. I am not an adulterer, I am love.” “Bitch.” 

Aidan and Di reconcile. 

One serving of spotted dick coming up! 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!