AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Sept 11, 2006

“I mean, your -- your sense of entitlement is just off the charts, and -- and your level of respect that you show -- just nonexistent.” Just when I think AMC will never amuse me again, the writers have Krystal deliver that line to Colby. True, Colby is a pain in the rear spoiled brat but she merely feels entitled to being the center of attention at her very own birthday party. Whereas Krystal switched DNA samples because she believed that Babe was entitled to the happiness of having a baby, Bianca be damned. Those two entitlements seem worlds apart to me. Yes, Colby needs to learn how to respect others (but lessons in voice modulation should come first) but Krystal is hardly qualified to teach, or judge, her in that subject. Krystal seldom treats anyone with respect, including her daughter. Teaching Babe to trade sex for grades was hardly respectful. Ahh, but I suspect we are not supposed to remember that Krystal, only the new genteel Krystal. I just love it when writers re-write history that they themselves wrote, don’t you? The re-writing of Colby’s age, and birth month, is also jarring. When Colby told JR how she missed having a father while growing up, I could not help thinking that she left PV less than three years ago, when she was around five! I miss that Colby, the one I did not want to FF’d. I think we haven’t heard the whole story about Colby and Liza. Remember what a master manipulator Liza was? Colby is such a huge annoyance; I would not be surprised if Liza subtlety encouraged her daughter to run away. “Oh, look, sweetie, the Johnsons left their keys in their car again. Why anyone could steal just steal that car and go wherever they wanted to, couldn’t they?” “Yes, Colby I know it’s a pain that the only place in this hick town to buy makeup is at RiteAid. Now the Sephora in PV, talk about a dream place to shop!” Yep, that backstory has a Ransom of Red Chief vibe all over it.

It feels like nothing really happened this week except for the birthday party. Usually I have pages and pages of notes, but this week I had four scribbles on the page and one was a reminder that we were out of limes. If I were as clever as the folks at AMC, I would insert two musical montages here, hoping they would disguise the fact that I have nothing to say. Sean had a nice moment when he gave Lily the ear plugs. He certainly seemed more real than either Colby or Sydney. I guess he has taken over Reggie’s Lily-sitting responsibilities. Lily is about to have another normal experience, the rebound relationship from hell. Dixie displayed masterful relationship skills when she pointed out to Zach that Kendall “isn’t like us.” What a cute way to make the man’s wife seem like the outsider. Josh did not look cute, or tortured, in the coffin, he looked absurd. I certainly hope Josh gave the housekeeper a huge tip; vacuuming up sawdust is a bitch. Zach looked more than cute holding Spike. When Zach said he loved Spike’s mother, was he referring to Kendall, or Erica or Greens or a donor to be named later? Erin’s continued absence warms my little soap watching heart. This week’s award for The Character I Totally Forget Until He Appears on Screen goes to Del Henry.

Will this week’s spoilers show some respect for both AMC and its viewers? Let’s see:

Will this hell never end? Yes, the Sweet Sixteen Saga continues.

Jesse McCartney serenades Colby. Everyone comments that he reminds them of JR. Only taller.

The big question is: will Colby be able to keep quiet long enough to let him sing?

Colby. Sydney. Birthday cake. Food fight.

Will they be giving each other wedgies next?

Sean takes Colby and Sydney on a sea cruise. On his Uncle Jack’s yacht. One little problem, Sean does not ask permission. One bigger problem, the yacht crashes.

Oh, no. Another crash in the Pine Valley Ocean. Who will be missing in the water this time? Who will be wringing their hands on the beach? Who cares? I will be spending my time thinking about the wrecked yacht as a metaphor for Jack and Erica’s marriage (and by extension, AMC).

Meanwhile, Sean’s cousin is having a lousy evening, too.

Keeping his identity a secret, Terry lures Lily to a cabin in the woods.

How does he manage that? Does he leave a trail of quadratic equations for Lily to follow from the secret tree to the cabin’s front door?

Lily is upset to discover that “Asperger Boy” is really “Pervert Man.”

I hate that Lily is being written as stupid. Surely, she would learned from her NYC experience that “stranger” + “private meeting” =“really bad idea.”

Terry is upset when Lily has a panic attack, so he slaps her. He then starts to unbutton her dress.

Is AMC doing this because the first time Terry tried to rape Lily was so much fun for everyone? Dropping ratings might be a little clue that viewers do not enjoy seeing characters victimized.

Meanwhile, Jack, Ryan and Jonathan realize that Terry is no longer in Ireland. They begin to desperately search for Lily.

They probably do not have to search quite so desperately for reasons to blame each other for this situation.

Jonathan makes a pretty good guess about where Lily has gone.

Because he knows Lily so well? No, silly, it’s because he is the HERO in this piece, that’s why.

Jack gets to the cabin just as Terry is about to rape Lily.

I wonder if Jack gets to beat Terry to a pulp, or is that action reserved for the HERO of the piece?

The news about Lily’s plight reminds Erica of when she was raped. When he sees his mother being vulnerable, Josh softens a bit towards her.

After all, it’s because of the rape that Erica aborted Josh. No really, the writers said so. (See how much easier it is when we just accept whatever they spew out? I am sure we won’t miss those brain cells.)

Jonathan may be having a bad day, but Ryan’s day is even worse.

Thinking it’s Terry coming through the door, Annie shoots only to discover she shot Ryan instead.

This is going to be such a sweet story for Annie and Ryan to tell the grandkids. I continue in my strong denial about a Ryan/Kendall rematch.

Kendall is furious with Annie for shooting Ryan, until she learns why.

“Let’s see if I have this straight. You shot Ryan so I could think about what my life would be like without him. So this is really is all about me? OK, then, I forgive you.”

Kendall is happy to learn that Ryan will make a full recovery.

I, on the other hand, am not.

Derek questions Annie and Jonathan.

“Could tell me again exactly how your agents managed to get you on contract and mine didn’t?”

Tad is on a bad day streak.

Tad wakes up to find Zach standing over him.

That’s funny, because Tad was dreaming about a man standing over him. In Tad’s dream the man was David. A very naked David.

Tad and Zach are soon engaged in fisticuffs.

In Jell-O? Pretty please?

Derek arrests Zach.

For unlawful use of Jell-O?

Myrtle visits Zach in jail and gives him some advice.

“Keep your hands off Dixie or you’ll catch Cooney Cooties. I knew a man once in the carny who died from those.” The thought of a Myrtle scene perks me right up.

Other stuff happens, too.

Jamie is not sure about what he wants to do.

“I mean I thought I wanted to be a doctor but now it turns out I have to go to school and stuff like that. I thought being a Martin came with an automatic “M.D.” What a bummer.”

Jonathan and Amanda have sex.

Why? Because Amanda is wearing her “I love to have sex with heroes” panties, that’s why.

Erica reaches out to Kendall.

“I swear, Mother, if you say one word about Zach, I’ll teach Spike to call you Grandma.”

David and Julia talk about their life views.

“For me,Julia, life isn’t black and white, it’s mostly grey. My life philosophy is really based on situational ethics. And my lust for Tad.” “ Well, David, I am only in this scene so TPTB can see once again whether or not we have chemistry.”

Myrtle and Palmer are very surprised to find themselves meeting each other.

I don’t even care what’s going on in this scene. All I know is that I can endure the rest of AMC just to see these two!

Here’s to another week in the Valley!