AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Oct 30, 2006

Oct 30, 2006

I have a bump on my head and Vicodan in my bloodstream, hence this column was written with more than a touch of self-indulgence.

Could the following scene be part of November Sweeps, please, please?

The Place: the Pine Valley Yacht Club

The Players: The Careys, The Laverys, The Martins(except for Jeff), Dixie, Bianca, Sean and his date Colby, Julia and Josh.

The Players mingle, making small talk and drinking way too much. Clearly each is comfortable with his or her entitled place in the world.

Suddenly, a cool wind blows through and all eyes turn toward the entrance. Standing there, resplendent in black, is the evil but incredibly sexy Dr. David Hayward. David smiles and says,

“Say hello to my litt’l friend.”

Reaching behind himself, David pulls forward a machine gun toting JR Chandler, who proceeds to blast away until no one is left standing.

Smiling sardonically, David pats JR on the shoulder, saying, “C’mon, little buddy, our work here is done.”

Each grabs a bottle of champagne; they turn and walk away.

Well, it works for me.

This week’s AMC was pretty amusing. I have always known Tad had a sense of humor, but who knew he was capable of a side splitter like “everyone knows Dixie is a wonderful mother.” Comic genius! Equally silly was Tad’s describing Dixie wandering the earth for years searching for Kate. Poor Dixie, left to wander the earth wearing designer clothes, real pearls and a $600 haircut. Not to mention having Eurotrash sex! My heart was bleeding during Tad’s recitation, I tell you, bleeding.

My husband has the sexiest hairiest forearms in the world, but damn, David Hayward’s run a close second. That may seem like a non-sequitur but it isn’t, because David chose to share his hairy man flesh with us during the cabin scenes.

When David was staring soulfully into the fireplace, I half-expected Ryan’s head to be floating in the flames; remember those scenes in the hunting lodge? Followed by Ryan and Gillian making love while Guy’s corpse ripened in the armoire? Ahh, those were the days….

Alas, we are here in present day Pine Valley. Poor David, his reveries of revenge were interrupted by the Ghost of One Night Stands Past, Babe. What an ungrateful wretch David’s daughter is. Those of you who believe David has never been punished for his terrible deeds, I advise you to take a close look at Babe and get back to me.

Babe and Josh continue to cuckold JR , managing to make him feel guilty in the process. I cannot wait for the day when Josh “makes” Babe cuckold him. Babe was not born for monogamy. If she would just admit it, she would be a much more interesting, not to mention tolerable, character.

The teen scenes had some nice moments then quickly became intolerable. Do the AMC writers even know any kids in high school? Failing that, could they at least check out ATWT to see how teen storylines should be done?

Speaking of doing things, why hasn’t anyone suggested doing a DNA test using Dixie’s DNA? Are we just all to assume that because Annie is not a Martin, she must be lying about birthin’ Emma? When it comes to what Madden may or may not have done, shouldn’t everyone be thinking outside the coffin, I mean, box? Annie, herself, may have more than one kind of DNA, Tad-the-Cad could have left a viable sample lying around somewhere, Emma could be Greg’s first foray into cloning. One thing is fairly certain; the explanation will not make any sense. One thing is definitely certain, I do not care what the explanation is as long as Tad and Dixie do not get their hands on Emma.

Why not? Because greedy-grasping-for-another-woman’s-daughter Dixie is even more frightening that hot-to-trot-for-another-woman’s-husband Dixie.

And where is Hazel? Why isn’t she there helping sort through the mess Greg left behind?

I have been trying to sort out why Del no longer bothers me. It’s because he fills the necessary role of mis-guided doofus. He’s like Pine Valley’s very own Gomer Pyle!

And finally, would the judge have liked Ryan better if he had been wearing a clown nose?

This week which is scarier, Halloween or the AMC spoilers?

Starting at Casa Chandler:

(oh, how I purred like a little black cat when David said “Casa Chandler” a few weeks ago)

Krystal tells Adam about Babe’s dalliance with Josh

I wonder if Babe felt a chill as if someone walked over her grave? “Cause when even your Momma doesn’t have your back …

Krystal does her best to convince Adam that the Babe/Josh affair is over.

“Oh, Adam, it was just one of those silly little one things. It did not mean any more to either of them than my one night stand with Tad meant to me. Uhh…on my night stand… I have a PAD of paper on my night stand. That is what I said, Adam. Your ears are playing tricks on you again, sugartush.”

Adam confronts Babe about her affair.

A father confronting his son’s wife about her infidelity before telling his son is just too wickety wack weird for me.

Adam agrees to keep Babe’s affair a secret.

This is just so so sad. I knew the Careys had removed Adam’s testicles, I did not realize they also clawed out the roots of said testicles. The real Adam would never betray JR like this.

Babe convinces JR that she loves him and wants their marriage to work.

You know what I want to work, Babe? JR’s next wife-icide plot that’s what. More than that, I want JR to get away with it. In fact, it would be perfect karmic payback if Kendall committed perjury so JR could go free.

Josh and Babe break away from a kiss just as JR enters the room.

Colby really needs to start hanging out in the tunnels with a digital recorder.

Josh tells JR that he had sex with Babe.

Josh really is a class act, isn’t he?

Later, Bianca tells Josh that all his dreams may not come true.

“After all, despite the enormous amount of Little Mermaid detritus around, this is Pine Valley, not Disneyland!”

Josh tells Jeff that he regrets telling JR about the affair with Babe.

“Well, Josh, don’t be too hard on yourself. Once a woman has been Martinized, it’s kinda hard to keep quiet about it.”

Meanwhile, where has Emma gotten to?

Half the adults in Pine Valley accuse the other half of kidnapping Emma.

It’s a knockdown drag out fight between the sanctimonious Laverys and the self-righteous Martins!

Not to worry, David’s had Emma all along. He wants Dixie to run away with them and be one happy family!

Oh, David a much better plan would be to just leave town and join Greenlee. You two always had amazing chemistry. Annie can take of Emma. And in time the Fates will take care of Dixie.

Dixie is about to leave town with Emma when she realizes that the little girl really does love Annie (aka “her mother”).

Emma has accomplished what no one else has ever been able to do; convince Dixie that females, other than herself, have feelings.

Dixie returns Emma to Annie and promises not to take her away again. Dixie hopes Annie will agree to a DNA test.

As for Dixie’s promise, I have two little words of advice for Annie, “restraining order.”

Other stuff happens, too.

Sean likes Amanda. Jonathan doesn’t like it. Amanda tells Jonathan to mind his own business.

Way to go, Amanda! Make Jonnie jealous by dating a boy in high school!

Erica is over the moon with excitement! Why? Donnie Osmond agrees to appear at the sweeps party for New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a new show?)

No offense to Mr. Osmond and his fans, but this makes me inexplicably sad.

Zach is puzzled when Kendall shows him the house she wants to buy.

“Hmm.. a center hall Colonial. Always pegged my wife for a post-modern kind of gal.”

Here’s to another week in the Valley!