AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Nov 20, 2006

I have had a bit of a rough week here. Hallucinations and just a general sense of malaise. Maybe it was a bad batch of Red Bull, who knows?

I mean, I must have been hallucinating, right? Bianca could not possibly have said,

“Her (Babe’s) intentions are always good.”

I can understand Krystal, David or Amanda saying that. It would even make certain amount of sense for JR to say that, if he was hung over enough. It would make perfect sense for the Seventh Fleet to say that, wouldn’t it? But Binky?

Surely, Bianca would not say that about the woman who let her believe Miranda was dead? What possible good intention could have there been? Clearly a hallucination.

The scary thing was, it wasn’t just one hallucination. I also heard Jamie saying,

“I know about doing the right thing—I practically wrote the book.

Granted on occasion James has done the right thing, but not enough right things to write a book. Unless the book includes the chapters“ The Right Way to Cuckold Your Brother”, “The Right Way to Kidnap A Child (Bonus Section: Drugging An Innocent Nanny)”, and my personal favorite, “The Right Way to Coldcock Your Father.”

At first I thought it was a hallucination when Jeff said, with no uncertainty whatsoever,

”I doubt if the (Annie’s DNA) test was defective.”

Then I remembered that Jeff has been away for years and doesn’t know the current accuracy rate for DNA tests in the Valley is about 8%. On a good day.

Of course these weren’t hallucinations, these scenes really happened. I would actually prefer that they had been hallucinations, how pathetic does that make me?

Not as pathetic as Josh, who thinks people travel to Paris to hang out on the West Bank. At first I thought I had misheard, because really how many people confuse the Jordan River with the Seine? Nope, I replayed the scene and “West Bank” it was. If nitpicking that makes me a bitch, so be it.

It was shocking that Josh would make a mistake like that. He is, after all, perfect. Even Dani thinks so, “Josh is a pretty good catch. What (barely legal, drunken woman with a bad home life) wouldn’t eventually say “Yes”?”

Josh is not enjoyable or interesting. In fact, the most interesting thing about him is that his existence gave Adam a good line, “that science project he (Jeff) calls a son.”

My favorite line-that-did-not-make-me-angry this week? Tad saying to Jeff, “Anyone would be lucky to have you as a father.” It was sweet because Jeff came thisclose to being Tad’s adoptive father.

Speaking of Tad’s parents, how wonderful was it to see Mary Fickett as Ruth in those Dixie flashbacks?

I miss Joe and Ruth. Their hypocrisy may drive me crazy, but their JoeRuthiness makes up for it.

Wasn’t Dixie’s maternal devotion at JR’s bedside touching? Well, it would have been except inside my head Dixie’s voice kept saying, “Well, JR, I guess I’ll be sticking by your side now that the Kate/Emma thing hasn’t panned out….”

And yet David, the bad bad parent, talking about Leora brought tears to my eyes. Mr. Irizarry always finds more dimensions to his character than are written on the page. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough of an asset for ABC to deem him worthy. (CBS once again shows more savvy and has signed him to Y&R.)

Brooke and Erica doing their dance of rivalry was fun to see and an essential part of AMC history. If viewers can see how important Brooke is, why can’t TPTB?

Anyone else roll their eyes at the irony of Krystal calling David “ a disease”? Ironic because the Careys are a plague that has destroyed most things of interest in PV.

“I’m just like my father.” No, Babe, you are just like your mother. If you were more like your father, I might find you interesting.

“I love you.” Bianca loves Kendall because she was nice to Babe, are you sure I didn’t hallucinate that?

I know I did not hallucinate the sad sad sight of David’s empty cabin. I wonder, did he give his cow hide rug to Babe?

I am thinking we should start a petition to have the actress who plays Emma give acting lessons to a few of her fellow players.

And finally, apologies for this column being all over the place. I wrote three other versions that were even more convoluted than this one. I had intended for it to be insightful and witty.

I mean, my intentions were good, so that gets me off the hook, right?

And now, will this week’s spoilers have us feeling full of the Thanksgiving spirit or just feeling like turkeys for watching?

(Only 3 new episodes this week. Thursday is a repeat of this year’s 9/11 show (Palmer! Myrtle!). Friday there is some football thing happening.)

David’s cabin may be empty, but his day planner is chock full.

Tad finds David and gets quite passionate about beating him to death.

If only these two would just have sex and get it over with. Better yet, they should work together to find Kate. They could raise her together, making Kate just another kid at school with two daddies.

Dixie stops Tad before he finishes beating David to death.

“Tad, he’s just not worth it. Think about Jamie. Think about JR. Think about me. Stop thinking about what a great story he is going to have on Y&R.”

Alone with Dixie, David reveals that Krystal is carrying a Martin, not a Chandler. Dixie is not sure whether or not to believe the sexy but evil David.

“David, you must be lying, why would Krystal have sex with Joe?”

Dixie goes to see Krystal and insists on knowing the truth about the peanut. Krystal insists that Adam, not Tad, is the father.

Of all the times for Colby to not be eavesdropping in the tunnels.

David spreads the paternal news around by telling Kendall that Ryan is Emma’s father.

Let me see if I have this right. Seventeen years ago Ryan made a deposit at the sperm bank. (It had to be 17 years ago because Ryan’s deposit was made the same time that Colby was created via IVF.) At around the same time, Adam bought said sperm bank. Thirteen years later, Greg Madden used Ryan’s frozen swimmers to impregnate Annie. How did Greg get his hands (figuratively speaking of course) on Ryan’s sperm? Greg did not buy the sperm vault until about 3 ½ years after Emma was born. And why would Greg use Ryan’s sperm and not his own? And why do I insist on trying to apply logic to AMC? No wonder my head hurts.

It’s difficult to find the holiday spirit in Pine Valley this year:

JR lets Babe know he has no intentions of forgiving her.

I must say that jumping out a fourth story window has done JR a world of good.

Babe tells Adam she has no intentions of leaving her marriage or her son.

OK, Adam, here’s what you do. Go visit Janet to tell her you are worried about Amanda. Tell her that Babe is making Amanda’s life a living hell. Tell Janet how much you appreciated her telling JR about Babe and Dixie. In fact, Adam, you should give Janet something to show your appreciation. I’m thinking a crow bar would make a lovely gift.

Josh wants to go after Babe but Jeff advises him to wait. Jeff invites Josh to have Thanksgiving dinner with him.

Now Jeff tells Josh to wait? Wouldn’t that advice have been a little more helpful before Josh did the kiddie pool mambo with a married woman?

Jeff yanks Erica out of JR’s room and kisses her passionately.

The more Jeff wants Erica, the less I want him to stick around Pine Valley.

Jack is less than happy when he finds Erica in Jeff’s room.

“Oh, Jack, it’s just like you to over react, just the way you overreacted about Mike. Would you mind handing me my panties? They’re right there, on the floor by Jeff’s bed.”

Once again Erica refuses to move home. She points out that all the problems in their marriage were caused by Jack and only Jack.

Of course they were. Just like Jeff, Phil, Tom, Travis, Adam, and Dimitri caused all the problems in those respective marriages.

Convinced Erica won’t be home for Thanksgiving, Jackson invites Brooke to join in the family feast.

I cannot blame Jackson and Brooke really is much more fun than Erica. And Brooke’s a redhead. Can’t go wrong with a redhead.

Erica shows up for the Kane/Montgomery dinner. Shocked to see Brooke at the table, Erica turns and leaves. She returns later with Jeff and Josh as her dates.

When Erica returns with a man on each arm, wouldn’t it be great if everyone just started laughing at her?

Erica decides to move home. As she is leaving her hotel room, she discovers that Jackson has had all her clothes delivered to the Valley Inn.

Is the Valley Inn big enough to hold them all?

Kendall is determined that Spike’s first Thanksgiving be perfect. Unfortunately, the Valley Inn remains firm in its refusal to host the Kane Montgomery Thanksgiving battle royale.

Oh, Kendall, as long as the Laverys make other plans, Spike’s Thanksgiving will be perfect.

Zach saves Thanksgiving for Kendall and Spike.

Oh my goodness, I am tearing up already. Families should make their own traditions and I think the Slaters’ Thanksgiving tradition should be to serve lobster instead of turkey. Anyone with me on that?

For the holiday, my husband and I are heading to a place with no internet access which makes it impossible for me to do a column next week. I will be back the week after.

Lots of good wishes to all of you for a great Thanksgiving. I am very thankful to each of you for taking the time to read what I write. I am also thankful to Katrina for providing EOS for us all to enjoy.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!