AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of March 19, 2007

Babe’s return from the dead has caused chaos here in the Valley. We had more tourists in town this week than over the Saint Ryan Lavery Day weekend. (Just between you and me, that stat made Jonathan more than a little cranky. He keeps demanding a recount.) The City Council was on overload as zoning and licensing requests kept pouring in. The Pine Cone wanted Historic Preservation status as the first place Babe comforted someone in Pine Valley. Even BJs got involved as the owner lobbied to have the Saint Babelicious declared PV’s official town drink. The casino is going for a tax exemption as a religious shrine since Babe was discovered “alive” in its subbasement. It’s not likely that the casino’s request will be granted since Babe Worship has yet to be declared an official religion, although Josh is working on it. The subbasement looting took a violent turn when Mrs. Chance and Enid Nelson both went for the sheets on Babe’s bed. Enid’s strong right hook prevailed and the sheets are now up on E-Bay. (Rumor has it the sheets come complete with a penicillin prescription but I haven’t had time to check that out.) People are lining up outside Casa Chandler waiting to have Babe cure what ails them. Remember to bring your driver’s license or Babe won’t service, I mean cure, you. And someone named B.C. Tuggle applied to open a chain of Babe Carey Comfort Stations here in town.

Total chaos. This is why I am hiding out here at the Pine Valley Falafel House, trying to sort out exactly what happened this week.

Let’s see, JR is to blame for Krystal breaking Adam’s heart. And Babe generously agreed to let Bianca try to be her friend again, right? Well, OK, then, see you here next week. How easy that was?

If only my long term historic love for AMC didn’t keep trying to make sense of what’s happening on screen. At one point in my life AMC was a delightful hour’s respite from trying to make sense of my mother’s schizophrenic world. Now an hour spent watching AMC feels way too much like time spent with my mother, trying to reconcile what she would say with the world as it actually was.

So much of what happens on the screen today does not jibe with what happened last year or even last week.

“You really believe that crud you are spewing?” Adam, yes, Krystal really does believe the crud she spews, that’s why she is so convincing. The sociopathic cult of two really believes that everything they do comes from a place of love, what they fail to explain is that their actions come from a place of love for each other and for what they truly believe to be their entitlements.

I can accept that, because that’s how sociopaths see the world. What I cannot accept is how the majority of Pine Valley-ites accept the Carey’s view of the world. People in Pine Valley with relatively few exceptions have never been stupid. Yet this week we had:

“Is it me or did the world just get a whole lot brighter?” Yes, Tad it’s always a good thing when a serial killer’s victim does not die but a simple “Krystal must be thrilled that her BabyDoll isn’t dead” would have sufficed. It sounds well, a bit stupid to lay on the hyperbole when talking about the young woman who has willfully led both your sons through a maze of heartbreak, felonies and grief.

“You let him grieve, Krystal. That was cold.” It’s a sad day when the word stupid can be applied to Adam Chandler, yet he was rather stupid to be shocked by Krystal’s recent actions. After all, Adam, this is the same woman who swore to you that Miranda was Bess, after you begged her to tell you the truth. The same woman who let JR grieve for a not dead Lil’A. If Krystal let JR falsely grieve a few years ago, why the shock that she would let him falsely grieve today?

“The baby you're carrying -- it's Tad's, isn't it?” That the baby is Tad’s was a realistic surprise for Adam, but Krystal lying about it should not have been. After all she is the one who switched Babe and Bianca’s DNA samples. The Carey’s decide who are a child’s parents simply based on what is best for the Careys.

“Just because you are playing remorseful doesn’t mean you are.” Did JR counter with “well, that’s why we make such a fine twisted pair, Babe, because we both can play remorseful when we don’t mean it” ? Nope, JR countered with a seemingly endless mea culpa of why everything that has gone wrong in their lives is his fault, including Babe’s infidelities.

“ I want another chance. I want to be friends again.” Bianca is smart enough to successfully run the Cambias European operations yet she stupidly thinks she has to ask Babe for another chance? On what planet? I guess on the kidnapping-is-not-bad-if-it-is-done-out-of-love-by-a-Carey planet.

“Did you miss the part about the kidnapping?” It’s kind of a weird day in the Valley when Erica is the only one making sense, isn’t it? Erica forgets lots of things, like the word grandmother, but she never ever forgets how the Careys’ actions almost destroyed Bianca.

What else. What else.

Does anyone else think Jonathan lies in bed at night silently wishing he were Annie so he could marry Ryan?

“Zachary Ethan.” “Amelia Bianca.” Is it too much to hope that a “Hart” or an “Alice” could be worked in there somewhere?

All it took was an orange jumpsuit for Cambias-the-Elder to turn into Cambias-the-lesser.

“I’m willing to sacrifice being his (Josh’s) buddy for his well being.” At that moment, I swear Erica was channeling Mona. And that’s a good thing.

What’s with Jonathan’s hair? What’s he hiding under there? Dirty laundry? Dust bunnies? Another tumor?

I love that Zoe thought to tell Amanda about Babe’s resurrection. Amanda has been an afterthought for far too long. Janet and I don’t like that.

“I’ve done rich and I’ve done poor. I do both very well.” As much as I hate to disagree, but no, you don’t, Ryan. When poor, you were charming and caddish and fun. On the other hand, when rich you were simply an ass.

When Ryan said he purchased Annie’s ring in a store whose name begins with “C” I thought, “Costco? Ryan bought Annie’s ring at Costco?” Well, Costco goes along with being unemployed more than Cartier does.

“Still acting out Bianca?” Babs was hostile all the way around, wasn’t she? Remember when Binks acted out by setting her dollhouse on fire?

Adam looked wonderful in red, the color of anger and power and, well, family jewels. Welcome back, boys.

Will this week’s spoilers have us seeing red or not?

At Casa Chandler, everyone’s aura is black.

Tad feels betrayed by Krystal.

Take a number, pal.

Tad cannot believe that JR betrayed him by keeping the Charlotte secret.

Well, Tad, JR probably still has a hard time believing you were going let him believe his son was dead.

Adam sets fire to all the pretty presents he bought for Charlotte.

I never realized before how alike Adam and Bianca are.

Adam is none too pleased with JR for choosing the Careys over his father. Adam disowns JR.

How long before JR realizes Jim Beam would never, ever disown him?

Jamie is furious with JR.

While Jamie’s anger is understandable, he, more than anyone else, should know exactly how crazy a man can act when trying to please a Carey. “Drugged nanny” ring a bell, Jamie?

Adam says hurtful things to Krystal.

How dare Adam act like Krystal betrayed him. After all, she let him love Tad’s baby, doesn’t that count for anything?

Tad discusses his situation with Julia who convinces him to fight for custody of his daughter. And by “daughter” she means Charlotte. Julia may have another opinion altogether about Tad suing her for custody of Kate.

Julia and Tad as a couple has a pretty big “ick” factor, the “ick” being Jamie. True, both Tad and Jake bedded Liza but bedding the same woman as your brother is far less icky than bedding the same woman as your son. That sort of thing is best left to the Buchanans over in Llanview.

Tad informs Krystal that he wants custody of their child. Krystal announces that no one will take her child from her. “It’s just wrong, Tad, to keep a momma from her baby unless I am the one that’s doing it.”

Ordinarily, I don’t believe in slapping pregnant women, but for Krystal I will make an exception.

Adam throws Krystal, Babe, JR and Tad out of his house. Sean helps him board up the windows and doors.

Adam, don’t forget to board up the tunnels, too!

Lil’A’s birthday party is just a bit tense.

Lil’A should think of it as practice for all those tense Kane/Montgomery Thanksgiving feasts he will be attending with his lovely bride, Miranda.

Adam has the Careys arrested for insurance fraud.

They look good in orange, don’t they? It’s really their best color.

Erica decides not to testify against the Careys. She decides that fixing her relationship with Josh is more important than revenge.

Oh, Erica, of all the times to decide to be mature why did you have to pick now? (Still, Mona would be proud.)

Babe realizes that Josh caused the latest round of problems for her and her momma.

Silly me, here I was thinking that Krystal having birth control-less sex with Tad started all the recent trouble.

Babe tells JR and Josh that she is finished with them both.

In Carey speak that means she will be having sex with both of them within a month.

Some non-Carey related stuff happens, too.

Miranda’s birthday party turns tense when Barbara crashes it.

Miranda should think of it as practice for all those tense Carey/Chandler/Martin Christmas feasts she will be attending with her handsome groom, Adam. Yes, when they marry he will no longer be known as “Little” Adam because Kane women don’t have “little” possessions.

Annie admits she loves Ryan. To Ryan.

Is that Greenlee I hear pulling into the driveway?

Zach hires Lily to work at the Casino.

Not, I presume, to keep track of the red chips.

There is a new Fusion babe and it’s Zoe. Kendall insists that Bianca is falling in love with Zoe.

How could that be? I mean Zoe is still a man, and Bianca is still a lesbian, right? RIGHT?

Here’s to another week in the Valley!