AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Feb 12, 2007

Here’s my third attempt at this week’s column. The first try had me channeling Richard Pryor’s Rumplestiltskin routine. The end result being JR dancing with his cane in his lonely room singing “I’m JR Chandler and I’m a meanie.” I followed that hilarity with a discussion of the Chandler Jr. marriage breakdown.

I reread what I had written and decided it was crap.

My second try started this way:

“I don’t want to do this, Kendall, but you are giving me no choice.”

Ryan Lavery

“I don’t want to do this, (Ryan, Jonathan), but you are giving me no choice.”

Patrick Curry (aka Patrick Lavery)

These were followed by a terribly astute discussion about Ryan following in his father’s abusing footsteps. Ryan does not use his fists, well not much anyway; he uses hurtful words and lawyers instead. Ryan is also much more charming than Patrick, which makes it harder to spot his abusive tendencies. I pointed out that Annie isn’t wrong in thinking Ryan is perfect because Ryan is perfect around her. Ryan is perfect around Annie because she never disagrees with him. The day Annie disagrees about something as simple as how RYAN’S daughter should spend her summer vacation, she will see a different side of Ryan, indeed. (In my scenario, Annie wants Emma to go to tennis camp; Ryan, not surprisingly, wants her to attend clown camp.) Oh, and I also said how much I enjoyed it when Erica called Annie a “little twit.”

I reread my second try and decided it wasn’t crap like my first effort. Nope, it was utter crap.

Once my initial observations were made, neither column had anywhere to go, except where I had gone so many times before. Talking about Babe and JR. Talking about Ryan. Blah. Blah. Blah.

What else is there to talk about really? Either Babe or Ryan is in every scene. Even if they are not in a scene, the characters in the scene are most likely talking about them. “Talking” translates to “propping” especially where Babe is concerned.

Even in the scene with Janet, Amanda and Jamie, we had to hear how Babe-the-wonderful was Amanda’s best friend. Oh, and Janet chimed in with what a wonderful mother Babe is. No mention at all that Kendall is also a prime target. Kendall and Janet were friends at one time. Not only that, Janet thinks of Erica as her dear, dear friend. Still, nope, no mention of Kendall. All the concern had to be about Babe.

(Kate Collins was wonderful though, wasn’t she? As the daughter of a schizophrenic I appreciate the many layers she brings to Janet.)

And then there is Ryan. I have vague memories of him being interesting, but they fade a little each time he yells a sentence. At this rate, all those vague memories will be gone by this Wednesday.

I wonder if we all watched AMC together would we hear each other screaming the same words of frustration at the same scenes? I bet we would.

What else? What else?

The solution to keeping Spike safe is obvious to me. Send Spike, along with a bodyguard, to stay with his grandmother. No, not Erica. I mean the grandmother who would relish being called “Grandma”, Alice Hart.

“We get our confessions by the book here.” What book would that be, Derek? The Keystone Cops Guide to Confessions ?

Binky mentioned Donald Steele! Pine Valley has a serial killer, a transgender rock star and an aborted abortion. Donald should be all over the place like a cheap trench coat on a tabloid reporter.

“And, of course, Tad will be a big part of Charlotte’s life.” Did anyone NOT want to throttle Babe when she said that?

Does everyone in PV get to interrogate every suspect in every case? Just asking.

Where is super detective Lily? Her sisters are being threatened, her brother’s ex-girlfriend has been attacked and her ex-sister-in-law has been murdered. Lily should be running around trying to solve the case. Or has she already been sent off to MIT without a goodbye scene?

I am enjoying Sam Freed as Jenkins. I saw Mr. Freed in The Torch Song Trilogy in the mid-80s and have been a fan ever since.

“It was a goodbye kiss.” JR would have a much easier time if he would only read the The Carey Concubines Guide to Manners. JR would then understand that the only proper way to kiss a lover goodbye is passionately with as much tongue, and cheesy music, as possible. This book also explains that the proper way to let a parent know that their child is dead is in a freaking note.

Jamie and Julia and Kathy were cute, which makes me think I am losing my mind.

“Sign right here or watch Krystal go down.” Oh, JR, it’s not like Babe hasn’t seen her mother go down before.

Zoe and Babe are now wearing matching hats. How precious. How long before they are wearing matching bracelets engraved, “JR is evil incarnate”?

Did anyone else find it slightly ironic when Josh and Zoe kept calling JR a “pig” in front of a woman named “Babe”?

“Those damn Kane women were here all day.” Annie is really a little snip isn’t she? At Thanksgiving she was snotty to Erica for no reason and now she is bitching about the Kane women visiting Spike. Granted Greenlee could be a little snip, too, but she was a little snip with soul.

“A man who can blackmail me with an unborn child” is a man who uses the same blackmail ploy your mother does, Babe.

I have decided that I want a custody hearing for Lil’A. I really want Babe to testify, under oath, that JR tried to kill her. Then I want her sorry ass arrested for committing perjury during JR’s attempted murder trial.

“Geriatric pregnancies can be difficult.” A round of applause for the Lamaze coach, please.

“JR this is your one last chance to be a human being.” Did anyone want to throttle Babe again when she said that?

“Pretend that’s a bat.” One of my favorite lines this week. JY really does work well with child actors. No small feat.

“Crazy boys.” Yes, Kendall, that is a perfect description of Zach, Zad and Zyan.

“I just wanted him (Trevor) to be quiet for just a little while.” C’mon it’s not like Janet is the only wife who has wished her husband would be quiet. Most of us, thankfully, just don’t go the extreme of killing said spouse and stashing the body in the freezer.

Yes, I smiled when Annie offered to help Emma with her clown picture. Annie is no slouch; she knows the way to Ryan’s heart is through his clown nose.

Will this week’s spoilers have me wanting to throttle someone or not? Let’s see:

For a change of pace, Babe is the center of attention this week.

The killer plunges the syringe into Babe’s neck. She collapses.

Does Babe figure out the killer’s identity before collapsing? Did Babe remember to ask to see his driver’s license? (Now remember, Babydoll, before any man goes plunging anything of his into you, you check the name on his driver’s license.”)

JR decides to abide by the new Chandler policy of always telling the truth. Just as he is about to tell Adam the Charlotte-secret, they find out Babe was attacked.

C’mon, JR, how long would it take to say, “KrystalhadanaffairwithTadandheisthebabysfather” ? You can do it.

Adam and Krystal rush to the hospital. JR, believing the attack to be another Babe trick, stays behind.

I cannot blame JR, can you? After all, if it sounds like a Babe trick, looks like a Babe trick and smells cheap like a Babe trick, it could be a Babe trick.

Tad convinces JR that it is not a trick; Babe really was attacked by the serial killer.

“Brian Frons attacked Babe?” “What are you talking about, JR?” “Well, you said “serial” killer and he has managed to almost kill all the daytime serials on ABC!” “Son, you have a point.”

While hanging out in the ER waiting room, Zoe tells Josh that JR was trying to blackmail Babe.

That’s really tasteless timing. Zoe, and Zarf, zhould zust zip it.

Babe is pronounced “dead.” Everyone in the ER waiting room looks really, really sad.

I am sad, too. I am sad because Babe isn’t really dead.

Josh asks JR if he is happy now that Babe is dead. JR replies, “I am not happy, but I must say I am moderately pleased.”

Yes, I made that last part up, but it’s what’s JR will be saying in my mind.

Josh takes it upon himself to say mean things to everyone who ever did anything bad to Babe. Josh then decides he must leave PV for good. He stomps feet and leaves.

It dawned on me this past week that Josh behaves like he is an eleven year old. A poorly raised eleven year old.

Adam and Tad comfort Krystal when she breaks downs.

In Carey-speak, that means Adam and Tad have sex with Krystal, right?

The PV Funeral Home is having a two-for-one special, so it is decided that Babe and Dixie will have a double funeral!

First, the poisoned pancakes and now this. The sad thing really is that TPTB probably don’t even realize how insulting this is to Dixie fans. I did not even like Dixie and I am insulted.

Bianca tells Zoe that she never stopped loving Babe. Later at the funeral, Binks gives a moving eulogy where she forgives Babe for everything. JR tells Stuart that Babe did not really mean to do the things she did and that he still loves her. Colby wears a gift from Babe as a tribute. Colby feels terribly guilty for the way she treated Babe. And the heavens open and the angels sing.

Man, and I thought my writing was crap.

Someone probably says something nice about Dixie. It’s probably Di or Tad.

And we probably should not blink, or we will miss it.

Both coffins are covered with white satin ribbon and white gardenias.

Gotta love a serial killer who has a sense of humor.

Krystal throws herself on Babe’s coffin.

It’s killing me not to make a tasteless joke. OK, if you insist. A thousand dollars to anyone who throws a match on Krystal. Or at the very least, a shovel full of soil.

Zoe zings a zong for Babe.

Oh, please let it be “Nights in White Satin.” If not that, how about “Fancy”? [Note from Katrina on posting: "heh heh heh"]

Thankfully, other stuff happens, too.

Realizing that Kendall is the only one left with a target on her back, Ryan insists on taking Spike with him. Kendall has a hard time saying goodbye.

Of course, she does. Spike loses IQ points whenever he stays with Ryan and his groupie Annie.

On Valentine’s Day, the Wildwind gang sends balloon messages to their dead loved ones.

I know this is to help Kathy, but there is something terribly wrong when even the Valentine’s Day episode centers around death, not romance.

Also on Valentine’s Day, Ryan and Annie give in to their mutual lust. They have sex in the Wildwind stables. Yes, the very same stables where Jonathan murdered Edmond.

Because nothing says foreplay like visiting the place where your daughter’s uncle committed one of his murders. I got all tingly just reading about it.

Erica and Barbara pick up their relationship right where they left off years ago.

“Travis loves me best.” “No, me.” “No, me.” “Well, well, Tom loved me more than you.” “Did not.” “Did, too.” Repeat a dozen times.

Bianca reacts with disgust when she learns Erica spent the night with Jeff.

Don’t feel bad, Bianca, just reading about it made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!