For the week of Feb 5, 2007

Apologies for the late column.  A certain craziness took over my life’s logistics this week. It made focusing difficult and accomplishing things damn near impossible. 

Which leads me to one of the reasons I love soaps. Sure, people in Pine Valley lead complicated emotional lives involving infidelity, forged DNA tests, bigamy, baby switching and emotional blackmail. And that’s just when dealing with the Careys!  PV residents don’t have it easy. 

Nope, they don’t have it easy except when it comes to the daily annoyances that drive most of us crazy. I don’t think I have ever heard anyone in PV complain about parking. Has anyone ever complained about long lines at the grocery store? Has PVH ever turned anyone away for lack of insurance? Have the Fusion babes ever argued about whose turn it is to clean the office refrigerator?  Does anyone not have a nanny? Does anyone not get a Brazilian, even in winter?  Does anyone ever have to waste a vacation day waiting for the cable guy to not show up?  Nope. 

Day to day life in Pine Valley is heavenly.  A recent example of this heavenliness is the Slaters’ trap-a-killer fundraiser.  Zach and Kendall decide to throw a party and a day later it happens. Not only were the invitations sent, the caterers hired and the media alerted, but the new house was renovated and completed decorated, too! The Cambias’ heirlooms were hauled from the warehouse, spiffed up and put in place. Window treatments were done! Not only that, Kendall was able to find an exact duplicate of the dress Amelia was wearing when she tumbled to her death. (I suppose it could be the actual death dress Mrs. Cambias-the-Elder was wearing, but that’s just too creepy to contemplate.) 

 It was totally unbelievable. Yet, I could enjoy letting go of my disbelief because TPTB had not gone public promising to treat the event accurately, with care and respect.  

Unfortunately they did promise all those things when promoting the Zarf/Zoe debacle. Which is exactly why I cannot suspend my disbelief for this mishegas. I have tried to stick to my resolve to take this story one episode at a time, tried to have some hope that good story telling would prevail.  I tried to keep my cynicism in check, really I did, but I have failed.  It is now clear that ZZ was not brought onto the canvas to tell a groundbreaking story, but to have Bianca question her identity as a lesbian.  When Binks and ZZ have sex, as I believe they will, AMC can claim that Bianca has a sex life, while not offending those viewers who do not want to see lesbians making love. 

What made me face that fact? The sexless BAM reunion.  If Bianca and Maggie were a heterosexual AMC couple, they would have fought passionately about Maggie’s infidelity. Angry words would have lead to hot kisses which would have lead to steamy sex. Afterwards, sadly, Bianca would have decided that even though she loves Maggie, she can never trust her again. “Being with you again was amazing, Maggie, but I will always believe that when you are out of my sight, you will be off being amazing with someone else. Don’t think saying goodbye isn’t breaking my heart, because it is.”  They would cry, we would cry, it would all be so wonderfully soapy and tragic. What do we get instead? Maggie being bitchy to Zoe and telling the Zoe-truth to Bianca. In true Kane fashion, Binks views truth telling as betrayal, she rejects Maggie and phones Zoe.  

Is this what Megan McTavish meant when she said BAM fans would not be disappointed with Maggie’s return? 


What else? What else? 

Seeing Opal and Palmer and Hayley and Ruth was wonderful. I used to enjoy Hayley. On her own. With Mateo? Not so much. I loved her relationships with Uncle Porkchop, Adam and Arlene.  Remember when Janet tutored Hayley in algebra, then later tried to kill her? Ahh, those were the days.  

Speaking of Ruth, why wasn’t she in the ER waiting for news on Dixie? No one even mentioned her. “Joe, where’s Ruthie?” “Well, Opal, she wants to be here but she has a famous Martin coffee cake in the oven.” How hard was that? 

More importantly, Brooke’s absence was so glaring it was blinding. She should have been comforting Jamie and Tad. She should have been worried about Dixie. Krystal’s presence only made Brooke’s absence more obvious. 

The Tad/Dixie retrospective was touching and I’m not even a T&D fan.  Honestly, though, that peach wedding dress has not improved with age.  

Father Clarence is creepy. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had handed Kathy some yellow snow. As usual, his comments made no sense. Now Kathy will think that every snow flake is a message from Mom and Dad. That’s sweet, but what about summer? Do they not think about her in the summer?  Doesn’t he understand how literal kids can be? What if Julia moves to Florida?  I never want to see Father Clarence again unless his neck is wrapped in white satin and he is holding a gardenia. Geesh. 

“I was supposed to die today.” Once again Babe has cheated death. First she did not die in the plane crash, then she wasn’t crushed to death and now she has eluded the White Gardenia killer. I swear that pussy(cat) probably has more than nine lives. 

“Maybe we finally found something you’re bad at.”  Funny line there, Zach, but I had already found something Josh was bad at: being interesting. 

Di had me in quick tears at the funeral parlor. She was so overcome with grief I started thinking maybe she was the murderer. 

I still think it would be interesting if there was both the original murderer and a copycat murderer.  Wouldn’t it be fun if they ran into each other buying black-market V-Tak? 

Di had me in quicktears, but what made me cry real tears was Opal saying, “Say “hey” to my Jenny” to Dixie’s corpse. So much emotion in so few words. Exactly why is Opal on the backburner?  

Listening to Babe explain why JR needed to keep the Charlotte secret was exhausting.  Following her reasoning is like driving on a Möbius strip, you always wind up back at your starting point. Babe’s starting point being: the only thing that matters is what the Careys want, screw everyone else. 

Which leads us to Bianca’s comment to Zoe, “for months when I was without Miranda.”  Did you hear a mention of Babe anywhere in there? Me, either. 

Hey, Zoe, pull up your pants. Women do not wear their pants hanging down, showing their boxers.  

Kudos to JR for pointing out that Tad being Charlotte’s godfather is exactly the same as Bianca being Mirabess’ godmother.  

Del must have been upset about Dixie dying. After all, he failed to ask about freezing her remaining kidney in case he needs it later. 

This week’s highlight? When Ryan told Annie about the day he made the sperm deposit that later created Emma: 

“That day I was just a grifter who needed cash, walking towards the cubicle carrying the specimen cup in one hand and the latest issue of Clown Nose XXX Cuties in the other.” 

Will this week’s spoilers have us feel like we are traveling on a Mobius strip or not? Let’s see: 

The junior Chandler marriage takes a few more hits this week. 

JR is less than thrilled about seeing Babe and Josh kissing. 

“But JR, I was saying a proper Carey “goodbye.” It’s not like I was comforting Josh. I mean I had my clothes on and everything.” 

Babe tells Josh it’s all his fault that her marriage seems over. 

Why is that exactly, Babe?  I do not recall Josh throwing you to floor and forcing you to kiss him. You looked pretty willing to me. And to JR. And to Jamie.    

An empowered JR tells Babe that he will keep Krystal’s secret, if Babe signs over custody of Lil’A. 

Further proof that JR is evil. Pure and Simple. Who else would use a child as a bargaining chip? (Remember, when the Careys do it, it comes from a place of love, not evil.) 

Babe tells JR that Dixie would be ashamed of him.

JR tells Babe that he wishes she had died instead of Dixie. 

And this round goes to: JR! 

Zoe pulls JR into a kiss. Babe snaps a picture for her lawyer. 

For the lawyer’s transgender fantasy collection?  How will Babe react when JR tells her that he prefers kissing Zoe to kissing her? 

The Kanes are not having such a great week, either. 

Bianca tells Maggie it’s over. Maggie returns to Paris alone. 

Well, it’s not like Paris is a bad place to recover from a broken heart. For one thing, éclairs are readily available. 

Before leaving, Maggie tells Bianca that having Zoe around influenced Binky’s decision. 

Oh, you mean like having Jeff around influenced how Erica dealt with her Jack problems?  Like mother, like daughter, eh? 

Erica is more than little surprised and less than thrilled, when Barbara arrives in town. 

Meow. Claw. Scratch. Meow. Hiss.  

Erica’s bad week continues when she learns about the Emma/Ryan connection.  Erica is determined get Annie out of Ryan’s life. 

I would respect Erica a lot more if she finally admitted to having the hots for Ryan. 

Kendall and Josh argue about his pursuit of Babe. Kendall tells her brother that his behavior isn’t helping either Babe or himself. 

Well, if anyone can explain the fine line between loving and stalking, it’s Kendall.

The hunt for the killer continues. 

Jenkins approaches Kendall on the balcony. Jenkins thinks she is his former lover, Amelia.  

Shouldn’t Kendall be concerned, just a little bit, that Zach married a woman who could be mistaken for his mother? 

Zach remembers that Jenkins was his mother’s lover. Turns out that Jenkins’ first name is Raymond. 

Then it turns out that Winifred’s middle name is Raymond. And that Opal’s maiden name was Raymond. All of Palmer’s Dobermans are named Raymond.  Turns out that Derek’s birth name is Raymond Derek Frye. Not only that, but this week we find out that Travis used to call Barbara “Raymond” during sex. 

Jenkins tells Zach that Cambias the Elder killed Amelia. 

Let’s hope Zach remembers this life rule: Never believe anything the cuckolded husband says about the lover and never believe anything the lover says about the cuckolded husband. 

Amanda and Jonathan get Janet’s ideas about the killer. Janet points out that Ethan’s mother has good reason to be angry with Zach. 

Having Janet back, albeit briefly, gives me a good reason to smile. 

The killer dresses up as a homeless man. He asks Babe for help. They have sex. 

OK, I made the last part up. But since Babe has such a good heart, wouldn’t she want to comfort the homeless man? 

The killer plunges a syringe into Babe’s neck. She collapses. 

Don’t go getting your hopes up, Babe doesn’t die. 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

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