AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Jan 8, 2007

This week’s AMC had me in tears. Tears of shame for me; tears of sadness for Miranda. Yes, I am ashamed because I supported Miranda being returned to Bianca, both for moral and legal reasons. Now I see that the cruel laws of man have Miranda stuck with that heartless hedonistic harlot Bianca for a mother, when she could be basking in the loving wonder that is Babe.

Yes, dear readers, this week proved beyond any doubt that Babe is indeed the Alpha and the Omega of love. Just ask Zoe.

Shoot me now. Please.

Here’s the thing; I do not think Bianca’s reaction to ZZ was unreasonable. Sometimes Bianca’s actions have me wanting to shake her but this time she did nothing untoward. OK, maybe the slap but then this is PV, home of Isabella Santos, gold medalist in the 1995 World Cup Slapping Championship. Zarf had already hit on Bianca, claiming they were destined to be together despite Binky’s protestations that she is, now and forever, a lesbian. Zarf’s reaction to Simone’s death had already shown him to have little sensitivity to other people’s feelings. Zarf’s reputation as a lusty rock star preceded him.

Is it any wonder that Binky thought “Zoe” was created just so Zarf could bed the lesbian?

Zoe then started piling the guilt, responsibility and pressure on Bianca. Zoe is only “out” because of Bianca. Bianca is the only person in the world who understands Zoe. And then, “I love you, Bianca” with the implied addendum, “therefore you must love me.” Granted the world would be far more pleasant if every time one person said to another, “I love you”, the other person replied, “I am so happy you said that because I love you, too!” Unfortunately, the world just does not work like that, especially if you are saying “I love you” to a virtual stranger.

ZZ is a stranger to Bianca. A stranger who now has laid the entire burden of his transformation on Binky’s shoulders, along with the very heavy expectation that Bianca return his love.

No wonder she freaked.

And no wonder Babe took ZZ’s news so much better than Bianca did. Not because Babe is a better person but because her relationship with ZZ is different. ZZ just wants Babe to accept the existence of Zoe, wants Babe to be Zoe’s friend. What ZZ wants from Babe is reasonable; what ZZ wanted, instantly, from Bianca was not.

This has to be the most elaborate propping of Babe yet. (Whenever I think about Babe, which I try not to do, I always envision the Notre-Dame Cathedral, with its huge flying buttresses holding it up.)

This does not mean I do not feel for ZZ, I do. His dreams of the perfect coming out party did not come true and that is sad. It was also fairly realistic considering Zarf’s personality. Despite all his aura sensitivity babble, Zarf really is not sensitive to other people. He clearly never thought about what history Bianca would be bringing to Zoe’s party. Bianca’s history includes a string of relationships that never quite work out. Her history also includes being raped by a man she knew. Michael Cambias was not her friend, but she certainly cut him more latitude than others did. Bianca’s kindness to Michael worked to hurt her in the worst way imaginable.

Zarf had written the script for the evening in his head. He was angry when Bianca did not deliver her lines the way he wrote them. It does not mean he wasn’t entitled to his pain, but he played a large part in creating it. Zarf is one of those people, undoubtedly because of having to deal with the gender mix-up fate dealt him, who lives his life as the star of his own soap opera. Well, he certainly has come to the perfect town for that, hasn’t he?

I have know my fair share of Zarfs, all different and yet all the same. Jeffrey Carlson is doing a great job in portraying ZZ, imperfections and all. Eden Riegel shows once again why her fellow actors clamor to be in scenes with her. James Scott (ex-Ethan) once said, “You look in Eden’s eyes and she pulls you in. You find yourself portraying emotions you did not realize you could.” (A paraphrase, but I think I got the gist right.)

ZZ’s story is intriguing. I would enjoy it more though if it were Babe free. Sigh.

On paper Babe is a character torn between making her marriage to JR work and being with Josh. Onscreen, Babe acts like a high school girl trying to decide between two dates to the prom. “Well, I promised JR I would go to every prom with him, but then Josh gave me this really cute compact.” Maybe Josh would stop stalking Babe if she stopped sticking her tongue down his throat. Just sayin’.

The White Gardenia Killer is stalking the women of Fusion, but why exactly? Does it really have something to do with Zach or is the serial killer’s method a red herring in and of itself? Has the killer set it up to make it look like all roads lead to Zach, just to distract everyone?

Wouldn’t it fun if the serial killer turned out to be Hazel? Mad with grief over Greg’s death, Hazel seeks revenge on the man all believe to be his killer, Zach. Angry that Zach did not pay for killing Greg, Hazel sets Zach up to take the fall for killing Erin and Simone (along with soon-to-be- dead players to be named later).

The murderer could be the “auld lang syne” under-five player at the ConFusion bar. I thought he looked a bit like Kenny the lawyer who asked Simone to marry him, but I could easily be mistaken. (I did love how Kenny told Simone he was being transferred to Georgia and she replied, “Atlanta is a great city.” Kenny then explained he meant the Republic of Georgia. I miss Simone’s slightly skewed brain.)

My personal choice for the killer would be Jonathan, if only because that would mean one less Lavery. Assuming of course that Jonathan was held accountable for these recent crimes. He needs to be held accountable for something besides bad acting. (As my husband asked this week, “Is Jonathan still supposed to be this dim?”)

I liked evil Jonathan better. I liked the way he looked guileless yet guilty around Greenlee. I especially enjoyed the way he manipulated Ryan into always defending him. I would not mind seeing that Jonathan return. That Jonathan would be a lot more tolerable than the one who goes around screaming about Simone’s and Erin’s killer walking around free. Well, Jonathan, Edmund’s killer is not only walking around free, he is walking around free in Edmund’s house and undoubtedly leaving the seat up in Eddie’s bathroom. That makes me want to run around screaming.

Maybe Jonathan, or any killer passing through town, will kill Annie. Not only would it remove a Lavery sycophant from the canvas but would also present a moral dilemma for Kendall. It’s one thing to keep Emma’s father’s identity a secret while she has one living parent caring for her; it would be quite another to keep the secret while an orphaned Emma is being hauled off by Social Services. The main reason I don’t want Kendall to continue to keep the secret? I am afraid. I am afraid that this will lead to Kendall telling Babe she now understands why Babe lied about Miranda’s parentage. Then I really would be begging you to shoot me. Now.

What else?

I liked the way Jackson said the ballerina swan was “tutu” much.

I did not like the way Erica kissed Jeff in front of Jack. It was cheesy and low class. I swear I could hear Mona saying, “Oh, Erica..”

I liked Myrtle and Zach discussing his Kendall dilemma over coffee and Scotch. I loved how robust Eileen Herlie looked in that scene.

I felt bad that Binky had lost touch with her “old gang.” Of course I did not even know she had an “old gang”, did you? Binks always seemed like the loneliest lesbian in the world to me.

I liked Leslie. A lot. That likely means we won’t be seeing her again.

I hated Zach’s apologizing to Ryan for Erin’s death.

I loved that Erica was speaking with Val. I would have liked it even more had we seen Val.

And that’s that.

Will this week’s spoilers have us falling in love again with AMC or not? Let’s see:

The Slaters continue to prove the first year of marriage is hard. (Of course I do tend to think of Zach as always hard and I do not mean as in “difficult”.)

Zach is surprised to hear that Ryan is Emma’s biological father.

“Good God, woman, that means there’s another Lavery in town. Damn those little bastard sperm elves.”

Zach is even more surprised to hear that Kendall intends to keep the Ryan/Emma news a secret.

It’s good that Kendall trusts Zach enough to tell him the truth; that’s about the only positive I can pull out of this one.

Kendall has second thoughts about helping Josh win Babe in exchange for Josh keeping the truth from Ryan.

Kendall should also be having third, fourth and fifth thoughts. She should ask herself what’s worse, Ryan having another child or having Babe as a sister-in-law?

Josh tries to manipulate Kendall into helping him. Josh asks his sister to imagine what would happen if Ryan knew the truth about Emma.

Let’ see if I have this right: if Kendall does not help Josh, she will see him less often because he will be mad at her. If Kendall tells Ryan the truth, she will see him less because he will be spending time with his new daughter. Hmmm, seeing less of both Josh and Ryan. Sounds like a win/win situation to me.

Meanwhile, there’s a serial killer loitering about.

Derek calls Zach down to the police station for questioning.

Let’s hope Zach is more cooperative and less obstinate than he was when questioned about Edmund’s death. It is not impressive to hinder a murder investigation, no matter how damn sexy you are.

Surprisingly Zach is quite forthcoming about the possible link between his mother’s death and the recent murders in PV. Derek is a bit miffed that Zach did not come forward sooner with this information.

Don’t be silly, Derek, you know this murder mystery cannot be wrapped up before February Sweeps.

Derek’s investigation focuses on Zarf. Derek seems to be on the right track when an old photo of Zach’s mother is found in Zarf’s penthouse.

I am pretty sure they mean penthouse as in large, top floor apartment and not Penthouse as in magazine. Although the latter could be amusing.

Meanwhile Di and Aidan search Zarf’s hotel room. They find a vial containing some sort of drug and a syringe.

Maybe Zarf gives himself Botox injections? It’s probably Estrogen which means Zarf has dealt with Zoe to a far greater degree than he led Bianca to believe.

Dani tells her father she is not leaving town; that she is perfectly safe in Pine Valley.

Dani resides mostly on the backburner and she can act. That’s about as unsafe in PV as one can get.

Dani is hanging out at home when she realizes she has been poisoned. She collapses.

The killer has upped the ante by attacking someone at home. Of course considering no one in the Valley ever locks their front door, was it really that much of a challenge?

Dani lies near death. Meanwhile outside the apartment’s front door, Josh and Babe fight.

“You want me, you know you do.” “How many times do I have to tell you I want my marriage to JR to work?” Replay a dozen times. Sigh.

Josh and Babe finally notice that Dani has not answered the door. They panic and break in.

I want to smack them both. And I could because I took Isabella’s Slap Them Like You Mean It class.

Dani has had a heart attack. Josh performs CPR.

What? Josh doesn’t perform open heart surgery on the apartment floor?

Derek pulls a gun on Zarf, accusing him of trying to kill Danielle.

Please, pretty please, let Derek growl, “This time it’s personal.”

Derek shows Zarf the vial and the syringe. Zarf lunges at the Police Chief.

Lunges? Or trips in his heels?

Babe defends Zarf to almost everyone in Pine Valley.

She’s no longer just Babe Carey Chandler, why she’s, she’s Babe d’Arc.

Babe starts to crack under all the pressure.

Oh don’t worry, Babe, I am sure it’s nothing that a quick f&*k with Josh won’t cure. “It wasn’t my fault, JR, I had to have sex with Josh or I would have died. Are you saying you would have preferred that Lil’A not have his momma around? What kind of monster are you anyway?”

Babe is not the only Chandler feeling pressured.

Jack shows Sean some tough love when he leaves the teen in jail overnight. Krystal wishes Adam would do exactly the same thing to Colby.

You are right, Krystal. Colby, unlike Babe, should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. After all, stealing a limo is so much worse than kidnapping.

Bob, the bodyguard, tells JR about the Babe/Josh kiss on NYE.

“I mean, boss, if you could call it just a kiss. They were all over each other. I kept thinking he was going to bend her over the bar and…..”

JR tells his father about Babe kissing Josh. He informs Adam that he plans on gathering enough facts to divorce Babe and get custody of their son. JR asks Adam to keep his plans a secret.

There was a time when JR could have trusted Adam with this information but that time is long gone. It left around the time Adam married Krystal. That makes me sad.

Colby tells JR that Krystal has a big secret. She, Colby, does not know what it is, but Babe does.

There is little on AMC that warms my heart, but Colby’s loyalty to her brother really does.

JR decides not to just get rid of Babe, but to help his father by sniffing around Krystal’s secrets.

Let’s just hope that her secrets are the only things about Krystal that JR sniffs.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!