AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Jan 1, 2007

Deck the halls with cold dead bodies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Death is how we get our jollies,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Pine Valley Community Chorale Christmas Carolers

I love the winter holiday season in Pine Valley, don’t you? The elaborate decorations, the romantic reconciliations, the great clothes, the fun family scenes, the extravagant gifts, the carnage. What, wait, carnage?

Yep, carnage. Nothing says “holiday cheer” quite like a serial killer. Although I guess we could say the killer has the holiday spirit since he/she is gift-wrapping the victims.

It’s not just the serial killer that is bringing a morbid merriment to PV this year, it’s also Father Clarence. One of Kate’s adoptive parents is down and dead, only one to go. (C’mon, do any of us really think poor Linda is going to last past Thursday?) And what was Father Clarence doing while sadness was swirling around the ER? Smiling his little demonic happy smile because the Christmas Miracle, Kate being thisclose to being with her bio-parents, was well on the way to fruition.

I find it hard to cheer the Christmas death of a child’s parents. Jim and Linda were Kathy’s parents even if their DNA did not match. It was already a sad situation but I was pulled in even further by Sydney Penney’s performance. For the first time since her return, I felt Julia’s emotions and was moved by them.

Getting Kathy to Julia did not need a Christmas death. Wouldn’t it have been ironic if Greg did not really know where Kate was? The adoption could have gone wrong offscreen with Kate, now Kathy, being place in foster care. Julia applies to be a foster parent and voilà, Kathy is living at Wildwind. Once Julia and Kathy have bonded, there could be a medical crisis where Jamie is discovered to have enough matching DNA to be Kathy’s half-sibling and the truth is out. And the holiday body count in PV would be down by two.

Still, something did seem off about Jim and Linda’s marriage. They have been married long enough to go through the drama of infertility and adoption, yet Linda does not know if Jim’s parents are alive? Oh, silly me, it’s a plot device not an exercise in logic.

Given that Father Clarence equates giving a little girl the trauma of being an orphan with a Christmas Miracle, I think it’s time he hung up his magic cape. (Do he and Zarf shop at the same Magic Cape Shop?)

Since Kate Collins is available and willing, how about if Janet and her Magic Angel do a few miracles? Or just have Harold return as a Christmas Angel. I mean really, except for Harold’s propensity for inappropriate sniffing/humping, could he be worse than Father Clarence?

Father Clarence was not enough for Dixie anyway. Even after their meeting she asked, “Please God, send me a sign. What do I do?” Perhaps Angel Harold could have been more convincing, spelling out in yellow snow, “Tell Tad about Charlotte.”

As you can see, I imagine Harold giving out better advice than Clarence. The arguments about breaking up a happy family and the secret being Krystal’s to tell or not just don’t make sense to me. Once again the Carey Concubines are keeping parentage a secret. Dixie is their first co-conspirator but I won’t be surprised if soon there are others.

Dixie is helping Krystal lie not only to Tad and Adam but by extension to Jamie, Jeff, Opal, Joe and Ruth, among others. While I do not think the world needs another Martin, they have the right to know a new one is on the way.

Tad was sounding like a true Martin again during his conversation with Zach. Considering that the world thinks Zach is a murderer because he covered for Tad’s crime, Tad could have toned down the harangue just a bit. Or maybe Tad was just trying to hide his desire for this new boyfriend. (Hey, with David gone, Tad has to have someone to fantasize about someone, right?)

On the other hand, Zach could have been little more helpful in directing the investigation from the start. With a serial killer on the loose, one would think speed would be of the essence. I appreciate Zach has the tortured-man-with-a-thousand-secrets persona going on, but sometimes that makes him seem obstreperous instead of intriguing.

It’s a bit like Zarf’s behavior often makes him seem clueless and rude, rather than interesting and conflicted. It is rude to enter a stranger’s home and berate them for being who they are. Especially after JR acknowledged liking Zarf’s music. As for being clueless, Zarf’s comment that Babe is “A truly gentle, loving and kind spirit” is proof of that.

I want to like Zarf, I really do. At the moment he is a combination of David Bowie, Leslie Howard and Eddie Izzard, except without manners. The transgender story interests me since a friend went through the male to female journey in the early 80s. Still I have my reservations that it will be well written. They have already muddied Bianca’s story by having her attracted to Zarf, as opposed to being a supportive, understanding friend.

Since the holiday season is still on, I want to end this on a positive note. What could be more positive than Myrtle? Palmer and Myrtle were perfection together. “The old coot has the hots for me.” Far more understandable than when Palmer had the hots for Krystal, eh?

Speaking of looking hot, how great did Erica look in jeans? She looked pretty damn sexy, youthful and vibrant to me.

See, that’s two positive things. I am going to quit while I am ahead.

Will this week’s spoilers have me feeling cheerful or wanting to leave nasty notes, written in yellow snow, for the writers? Let’s see:

Murder does not bring out the best in anyone.

Tad tells Ryan that Zach is connected to the murders.

But, Tad, not nearly as connected as you are to the Madden murder.

Tad suggests that Ryan keep his son safe by keeping him away from Kendall and Zach.

On the surface that almost makes sense, but Ryan’s life is hardly murder-free is it? First of all, his sister was one of the victims. And secondly, his brother is a murderer with anger issues.

Ryan tells Kendall she is to keep her distance from Spike until the murderer is caught.

Psst… Kendall… over here. Why not kill Ryan, wrap him in ribbon and give him a gardenia? Just one more serial killer victim. I’ll be happy to supply your alibi.

Zach tells Kendall about his mother Amelia, that she died wearing a white ribbon and carrying a gardenia.

To Kendall’s credit she does not reply, “Wow, just like Simone and Erin. What a coinky dink!”

Amelia fell off a balcony to her death. A five year old Zach was told he caused her fall.

A sad story, but it does explain the brooding. I’m thinking all of Amelia’s love talk was directed at her lover, not at Zach. She ended the affair, for Zach’s sake. She and her lover struggled, she fell and he blamed Zach. Either that or she tripped while tangled up in all that white ribbon.

Kendall is very supportive and tells Zach they will see this situation through together.

Ahh, a sweet Slater moment. I cannot get too many of those.

Jonathan continues to act out his anger about Erin’s death. Annie tries to warn Ryan that something is not right with Jonathan.

Will Annie discover that not only does she resemble, somewhat, Greenlee, but Ryan is as dismissive about her Jon concerns as he was about Greenlee’s?

Bianca and Zarf’s NYE plans go from bad to worse.

Bianca is in shock over seeing Zarf dressed as a woman.

That’s what Binky gets for being spoiler-free!

Zarf explains that inside he really is a woman named Zoe. Zoe is a lesbian who is in love with Bianca. Bianca thinks Zarf is lying just to get her in bed.

Given Zarf’s reputation as a swordsman, Binks can hardly be blamed for believing Zoe.

Binky explains that she does not and cannot return Zoe’s feelings.

One thing that Zarf and Zoe do not seem to be able to do is give people room to breathe. Bianca needs a lot of that room right now and I, for one, do not blame her.

Di and Aidan become convinced that Zoe is the White Gardenia Killer.

Has Aidan watched Dressed to Kill one too many times? Is Di just jealous that Zoe has a nicer NYE dress than she does? (It takes a lot to make Di look bad and yet the AMC wardrobe folks did just that.)

Zarf tells everyone he is dressed in drag as a joke and proceeds to do a cabaret number.

I am certain Jeffrey Carlson will bring the appropriate pathos to this scene, but what will the writers bring?

Derek questions Zoe.

Oh, I bet he does.

Bianca heads off to the Blue Angel where she discusses the Zarf situation with Leslie. She and Leslie kiss.

I have no idea who Leslie is, but if she gives Bianca some action I like her.

Other stuff happens, too.

Colby shows JR the recent Josh/Babe tape.

Is JR as upset as Sean was about no money shot?

JR decides he really does not trust Babe and asks the bodyguard to spy on her.

How long before the bodyguard starts lying to JR because he realizes “Babe is love” and “JR is evil”?

Colby and Sean steal a limo for NYE and wind up in jail.

And perhaps this is why Barbara winds ups in Pine Valley.

Erica realizes the “12 Days of Christmas” gifts were not from Jack. She decides to pay him back by having the real “12 Days of Christmas” gifts delivered to him.

Cleaning up after a partridge, turtle doves, gees, swans, French hens, and calling birds should teach Jack a lesson. I hope this is done in good fun by Erica and not as some petty revenge.

Erica pulls Jeff into a steamy kiss in front of Jack.

Petty it is then. I did not realize one of the carol’s lyrics was “One ex-husband kissing.”

Here is to another week, and another year, in the Valley!