AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of December 18, 2006

“You guys came.”

No, that wasn’t what Babe said to the Seventh Fleet after their first date, it was how she greeted the Kane sisters upon their arrival at Fusion the morning after Erin was murdered. Did anyone want to smack her for saying that? Of course they showed up, it’s their company. It’s because of the original Fusion babes that Greenlee even had stock shares to give you, you entitled twit (yes, I know I misspelled that last word).

I admit that almost everything Babe says makes me want to smack her, especially her daily badgering of JR about re-committing to their wedding vows. Imagine, if you will, my surprise when Babe said something I totally supported. It was when Babe spoke these words, referring to the now dead Erin, “I just wanted to be with her.”

I hear you, Babe, and I am here to help. To that end I have fixed you a Saint Babe-alicious* with a pharmaceutical kickback purloined from the White Gardenia Killer. Just relax and drink it down.

If only. Sigh. Babe is guaranteed not to die. However, the more we see of Di and especially Dani, the more convinced I am they are on the kill list.

The question of the day, how is Zach’s history involved? What does Fusion have to do with Zach, except that his wife is part owner? Clearly, unless Zach has turned into Pine Valley’s Allison Dubois, he realizes the murders are somehow connected to him. I hope this doesn’t turn into Zach keeping a secret that results in more deaths. And that he doesn’t try to explain it all away with the dreaded words “The Cambias Curse.” There is a fine line between being a brooding tortured man and a total ass. I trust Thorsten Kaye to know the difference, but should I trust the writers?

Probably not, given how they are handling Erin’s death. Yes, I admit to crying during Jonathan’s scenes with Erin. My heart was breaking. Yes, due in part because it touched so closely to my brother’s recent death (even typing those words produces quicktears) but also because the scenes were just plain good. I was along for the tearful ride, until Amanda took Jonathan to Wildwind. When he asked, “Why am I here?” I thought she was going to say logically, “To revisit the scene of one of your crimes.” What were the writers thinking? Clearly they were not thinking about Jonathan’s history at Wildwind. I quickly went from feeling sympathy for Jonathan to wishing Sam had been home for a visit, so he could help Jonathan put his recent loss in perspective.

Is there any perspective that would make the Jeff and Erica scenes less pathetic and more interesting? If you have found one, please let me know. (And what was Erica wearing? The bottom looked like a cheerleading skirt and did she get the top at the You Too Can Be A Ho shop? Covering it up with a coat made from funeral parlor drapes did not help.)

There is one thing more pathetic than Erica and Jeff. What’s that? That the only way these days to tell the difference between Stuart and Adam is that Stuart is the one wearing the striped sweater.

Colby and JR together are not pathetic at all, in fact they are almost endearing. It is good see at least two Chandlers behaving like Chandlers.

When Ryan starts behaving like caveman Ryan, and we all know he will eventually, Annie may no longer think that “Ryan doesn’t seem to have a worst.”

You know the best present we could get Derek for Christmas? All the CSI DVDs. It’s time he was introduced to the notion of forensic evidence. For such a hard ass cop, he sure runs a sloppy crime scene.

I kept hoping Donald Steele would show up either at the crime scene or the press conference. Or outside Erica’s hotel room.

And now for this week’s tasteless joke:

What did the medical examiner say during Erin’s autopsy? “OMG, that certainly is an odd place to keep a clown nose.”

Will this week’s spoilers put us in a giddy holiday mood or not? Let’s see:

Murder makes everyone a little tense.

Zach accuses Zarf of being the murderer.

Never too soon to open the can of red herrings.

Zarf then accuses Zach of being the murderer.

What happens next, do they start double dog daring each other?

Zach tells Tad he thinks the murders may be linked to him somehow.

Because Zach has a white gardenia/satin ribbon fetish? Or because the mysterious woman in his mysterious dreams died a mysterious death?

Zach asks Tad to investigate him.

“OK, Zach, first take off your pants.” “Damn you, Martin, I said investigate me, not examine me.”

Aidan is not thrilled that Di is setting herself up as bait for the killer by working at Fusion.

Or, is Di the serial killer ? Could she be trying to throw people off her trail by pretending to be bait? (I don’t really think that but Zarf looks so lonely being the only red herring.)

Jonathan helps Ryan overcome his guilt.

It’s the least Jonathan can do, considering how Ryan helped him overcome his guilt about killing people.

Released from his guilt, Ryan and Annie share their first kiss.

Years from now, will Annie and Ryan be having this conversation?

“Oh, Ryan, tell the children about our first kiss.” “Well, kids, it was at your dead Aunt Erin’s funeral….”

Kendall gets Josh to agree to run DNA tests on Emma and Ryan. Josh spends his time at the funeral reception trying to get DNA samples from Emma and Ryan.

Nothing like a little slapstick to lighten the mood, eh?

It takes more than two murders to stop Christmas in Pine Valley.

The next generation, Jamie and Julia, take up the legend of the Christmas star and make their own wish.

“We weren’t allowed to make wishes on stars in the WPP. Jamie, did I ever tell you I was in the WPP for NINE years?” Jamie quickly amends his wish to not include Julia.

Colby and Sean plot and plan and scheme to get Jack and Erica back together. Before Christmas.

This is cute, but shouldn’t it be Reggie and Lily plotting and planning and scheming to reunite their parents? That way, Colby and Sean could plot and plan and scheme to get rid of Babe.

Tad’s holiday depression worries Livia, who suggest he get help.

I think Tad needs a spectral visit from Ray and Jenny. Ray to tell him all that time with the Martins still left Tad with the soul of a Gardner. And Jenny to tell Tad, that despite his recent Maddening actions, he is still a good person. Oh, and that she loves him because younger sisters always love their older brothers, no matter what.

Father Clarence returns to Pine Valley. He tells Dixie to keep quiet about Charlotte’s paternity. To pursue the matter would break up a happy family.

All this time, I thought Father Clarence was a Catholic priest, but I was wrong. Clearly he is a minister in the Divine Church of Situational Ethics.

Zach gives Kendall an amazingly astonishing Christmas present.

I am betting it’s not Zarf’s latest CD.

Krystal convinces Adam to play Santa at the Miranda Center Christmas party. There is a funny costume mix-up.

Adam has not a shred of manhood left, does he?

Jonathan celebrates Christmas with his friends at his new home-Wildwind.

This is a whole big bowl of wrong.

Other stuff happens, too.

Jonathan is afraid he is taking advantage of Amanda.

Amanda calmly explains it’s OK, she is wearing her Take Advantage of Me panties.

Wrestling with his feelings for Babe, JR turns to Stuart for advice.

I am not surprised. After all, it’s been almost a week since someone declared that “Babe is love.”

Adam surprises Krystal by throwing her now annual party for truckers.

I told you, no manhood left. There Adam will be at the front door greeting the guests with, “Welcome to our home. The bar is right in there. And of course, BJs are on the house.”

Oh those AMC actors.

The last time we will see Brooke is this week at Simone’s funeral. It is an understatement to say that Julia Barr, Brooke and the viewers deserved better.

Kate Collins is returning, for a few episodes, as Janet Dillon. TPTB say she is definitely not the killer but is back to help the police profile the killer. My question, will Derek be dressing up as Agent Clarice Starling when he interviews Janet?

Susan Pratt returns, after too long an absence, as Barbara Montgomery. Let the snipe-fest between Erica and Barbara begin. It’s probably too much to hope for a scene with Barbara and her ex-husband Tom, but I can hope can’t I?

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

*to make a Saint Babe-alicious: take one part Ever Clear, two parts strawberry milk and shake with crushed ice. Pour into a really cute glass. To make it really special, dip the rim of the glass in pink sugar. (Before filling the glass, silly.)