AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Jan 29, 2007

(First, a personal note. Thank you to everyone who voted for me during the EOS favorite columnist poll. It meant a great deal to me that you took the time to vote. EOS is filled with good writers and it is an honor to have them as my colleagues.. )

Did anyone else think the writing for this week’s AMC seem more deranged than ever? Few things made sense to me. AMC appeared so ludicrous that I started thinking my water had been spiked and regrettably not with V-TaK.

Let me start with something that did make sense, Colby’s pure joy at being given front row seats and backstage passes to a rock concert. That was kind of fun to see.

Oh, and there was also Zach’s telling Ryan, “I don’t care if she’s (Kendall’s) wrong or not. I am not going to betray her.” I doubt Ryan could even wrap his mind around that notion.

Now on to the ludicrous.

First of all, why is Winifred doing the grocery shopping and cooking? Is Lucretia on holiday? Did Lucretia quit because the Chandler kitchen is ridiculously small for a millionaire’s house?

Anyone in the Chandler house could have eaten the peanut butter. If the killer’s target was Babe, why not spike the canned spray cheese? At the very least, Krystal would also then be down for the count.

Better yet, why not just sneak into Babe’s bedroom and inject her with the drug? Oh wait I forgot that “The Chandler estate is a fortress.” Yep it’s a fortress alright, except for those pesky tunnels that are open 24/7.

Of course if Babe had been injected then we would not have had the delight of having Dixie’s poisoning be all about Babe. It has to be all about Babe because everything is all about Babe. We know what’s coming, Babe’s tears, Babe’s needing a comforting hug from every male in town, Krystal telling Babe how much better it is that Dixie was the latest victim instead of her. Not to mention Babe telling Josh that she couldn’t possibly leave JR now that his mother is dead. (It will be difficult to hear the latter because Babe’s tongue will be down Josh’s throat while she says it.)

Poisoned pancakes. What an ignominious end for Dixie and what a slap in the face to Cady and her fans. It is small consolation that she did not die face down on the ladies room floor, head next to the toilet, like Gabrielle Medina Holden Buchanan on OLTL.

Almost as difficult to watch as Dixie’s belabored breathing was listening to Babe’s tortured reasoning for not eating the pancakes herself. Most married women give up sex with other men to avoid hurting their husbands, but Babe vows to never ever eat banana peanut butter pancakes again to protect JR’s feelings. What a woman.

What else. What else.

“A deviant is still a deviant.” I almost wish Adam would be the next victim so I don’t have to watch Adam not being Adam any more. Where is all the tolerance Adam learned from Stuart? This week Adam called Zoe a “deviant” and a “shemale.” I will not be surprised if next week Adam calls her “a chick with a ****”, will you?

Kenny and Jonathan were both at the hospital after visiting hours, but why is Kenny the only one who is a suspect? Easy answer, because Kenny’s last name is “Adler” not “Lavery”, that’s why.

Maybe Zach and GH’s Sonny should start a support group for adult males who spent part of their childhoods locked in the coat closet.

This is Zach. This is Zach on drugs. This is Zach being adorable on drugs. Sweaty but adorable.

Could someone please explain to me why David was less than human for drugging people, but Ryan drugging Zach was portrayed as the right thing to do? I know, I know. Being a Hayward is not the same as being a Lavery.

“If David is the killer, I can’t live here anymore.” I love David, but I would gladly have him be the killer if it meant Babe leaving PV for good.

When Zach attacked a sleeping Ryan, I kept expecting him to shout,” Kendall, shave Ryan’s head now.” (Note to self: stop watching Top Chef reruns.)

“I’ve never heard your name mentioned once.” Maybe that does not prove Kenny is the killer, Di, maybe it just proves your lack of knowledge about Fusion’s history.

Anyone else feel a little sick listening to Jack apologize to Jonathan?

“I can be civil to her.” In my mind being civil means being superficially polite to someone you loathe. In Bianca’s mind being civil means testifying that “Babe is love.” No wonder she is Saint Bianca and I am not Saint Kate.

It was enjoyable seeing Josh learn the downside to giving someone truth serum. Not only does that person reveal his secrets, but he can reveal yours, too.

Has Annie ever said where she grew up? I’m thinking it had to have been Stepford.

When Ryan ordered, I mean told, Annie to get some sleep, would anyone have been surprised if she had answered, “OK, whatever you say, Daddy.”?

Annie clearly believes that Ryan is the Sun in all our worlds. If you do not agree with Annie, it’s no wonder that the Universe decided you were just not special enough to be born a Curry, I mean a Lavery.

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling special or not? Let’s see.

The world is a better place because this week a new Lavery publicly joins the exalted clan.

Ryan tells Annie that he is Emma’s father. Legally he is just the sperm donor, but laws do not apply to Ryan or his kin.

“Oh, Ryan that’s just just a miracle. That’s what it is! Emma is the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. I hope you still let me live with you and Emma.”

Bianca is more than a little shocked to discover Ryan is Emma’s father.

“But, but, I thought Greg Madden was donor #1. If Ryan is donor #1, there is hope after all. In just a generation, the world will be a perfect place.”

Kendall refuses to admit she was wrong about keeping the Emma truth a secret.

Well, she is Erica’s daughter, why would anyone expect her to feel differently?

Over at Casa Chandler, poisoned peanut butter seems to be the least of their worries.

JR admits how he really feels about Babe.

Which will be decidedly different from how I feel about Babe.

Adam admits he could never forgive Krystal if she was unfaithful.

If only that were true. Adam already forgave her for saying his grandson was dead, will forgiving her infidelity be that much of a stretch?

JR discovers that his mother-in-law had sex with his stepfather while married to his father. JR then realizes his stepfather is Krystal’s baby’s father. And that Charlotte is not his sister, but she is Jamie’s sister. On the bright side, Charlotte will still also be JR’s sister-in-law.

Keep in mind JR has to absorb all this while sober. Poor thing.

If that is not enough, JR finds out that Babe knows the truth about Charlotte’s parentage.

Yes, Babe kept a truth from JR again. Let’s not forget however she did give eating peanut butter banana pancakes for the sake of her marriage; that has to count for something right?

Babe gets JR to promise that he will keep Krystal’s secret a secret.

Will Babe use sex to get her way? Hey, you actually think she has never had sex with a man in wheelchair before?

Keeping the truth from his father and Tad torments JR.

Why? Because JR loves them both. This is the kind of pressure an alcoholic in recovery does not need. That does not matter though as long as the Careys get what they want. (And besides do you really think it is harder for JR to give up booze than it is for Babe to give up peanut butter banana pancakes? Get real.)

It’s a banner week for the Pine Valley U-Haul franchise.

Julia invites Annie and Emma to live at Wildwind. Just before she moves out of the penthouse, Annie shares a kiss with Ryan.

“Thank you, Ryan, for letting me take YOUR DAUGHTER to Wildwind. We are so lucky to have you. C’mon Emma let’s go chop down some trees with Uncle Jonathan!”

Zoe moves out of the Chandler mansion and in with Josh.

Isn’t Josh still living at the Valley Inn? Or did he move when we were not looking? Either way, I hope Zoe is not allergic to wood shavings.

The search for the White Gardenia murderer continues.

Kendall is more than a little freaked when she sees her portrait.

“Damn, look at that. It’s not even my best side and that dart does not go with that dress. At all.”

Aidan and Jamie discover that someone has bugged the Fusion offices.

They are just finding this out now? That’s quite a brain trust Jamie and Spotted Dick have going there, isn’t it?

Zoe offers to help Derek and Jack with the murder investigation.

That’s generous, but what can she do? Impress Bianca, that’s what.

Jack is concerned about Bianca’s growing attachment to Zoe.

“You do know, don’t you Bianca, that Zoe is still well, still, a man?” “Yes but this is the only way I can get a love story so back off Jack.”

Kendall and Zach decide to draw the killer out by throwing a fund raiser for the brand spanking new Amelia Cambias Foundation.

“Kendall and Zach Slater invite you to a fund raiser to benefit the Amelia Cambias Foundation. Tickets are $500.00. Serial killers get in free!”

Fearing the plan might result in her death, Kendall asks Bianca to fight Ryan for custody of Spike.

Kendall could write up a will, like Babe is doing, but that would make too much sense.

At the fundraiser, Kendall dresses up like Amelia and waits on the balcony for the killer.

Creepier than being bait for the serial killer is dressing up like your dead mother-in-law.

Other stuff happens, too.

Tad tries to cheer Kathy up.

Poor kid, both her adopted mom and her bio mom are dead. Julia better watch her back.

Julia encounters Father Clarence.

You hold him down while I stuff these left over poisoned pancakes in his mouth, OK?

What is odd about the coming week? No mention at all of Dixie in the spoilers. I guess TPTB think viewers will forget about her as quickly as they have.

Here’s another week in the Valley!