AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Jan 22, 2007

A few readers have chastised me for never saying anything nice about Babe. I wasn’t sure it was possible but I like a challenge. This week I found something to like about Babe, and it’s not even a negative hidden in snarky positive. I really liked Babe’s grey sweater with the diamante trim. I will go even further by saying I also liked the necklaces Babe wore with the sweater.

Whew, now that’s out of the way.

Oh, heck, let’s talk about fashion a little bit more. There are times in life when what you wear is really important, when looking your best is really important. A wedding is one of those times, so is a job interview. Another time when it is important to look your best is when begging a jilted lover to forgive you. You want to wear something that makes you look damn fine, without appearing like you are trying too hard. Something that shows you at your best, but not in a contrived way. You have lots of options but one option you do not have is wearing a drab brown plaid dress, fishnet stockings that look like they were really made of fishnet and a cap left over from your high school’s production of Oliver! What was Maggie thinking? No wonder Bianca turned her away. Yikes.

Still, Maggie gets points for being determined. Volunteering to make copies may not sound romantic, but Maggie has to work with what she has. Determined but drab, that’s this Maggie.

I am wondering though, what happened to all those statements Binks made about wanting Maggie back when she finished her Parisian pastry tour? If I wonder too much about AMC things that don’t make sense, my head will hurt so I’ll stop now.

One thing I did like about Maggie was the way she took Kendall’s insults. She did not make excuses for hurting Bianca. She took what Kendall dealt out with some grace. And not once did Maggie try to make Kendall seem like a big old meanie for calling her out on her actions. Babe could buy a clue about that from Maggie; perhaps Maggie would take Babe’s pretty grey sweater in trade.

Babe’s sweater was the only pleasant thing about the mob scene at Casa Chandler. During the scene I realized one thing, I liked Adam’s old living room better. It suited him more. It seems like Adam’s house shrank along with his jewels.

But I digress. Folks had reason to be upset with Zarf. Their loved ones were being killed and Zarf would not supply a direct answer to Derek’s questions. Using obfuscation to divert people from the truth about Zoe is one thing, using it to muddy a murder investigation is quite another. I just wish someone had explained to Zoe that being the first suspect arrested in a Pine Valley crime is a good thing, it means you are not guilty. Derek really did not have enough evidence to arrest Zoe, but it is PV after all. Of course, Derek’s actions were not any more illogical than Babe insisting that Zoe’s transgender status proved she wasn’t the killer.

I like Zoe. She certainly is easier to take on a day to day basis than Zarf. It will be interesting to see how she evolves as she settles in to being herself. Zoe’s struggle is far from over; it will be interesting to see if AMC hangs in there with her for the long haul.

Zoe and Babe are girlfriends. It clearly makes Zoe happy to have a BFF. I wonder, though, how long it will before Zoe discovers the downside to being Babe’s BFF. How long before Babe takes something Zoe has because it will make her life easier? A lipgloss. Rights to a song. A baby.

Jeffrey Carlson and Eden Riegel really sold those jailhouse scenes, didn’t they? Both actors take care with their performances. I may not always like Bianca, but I always like Eden’s portrayal. Jeffrey Carlson has managed to keep his character’s dignity, even in undignified circumstances. That’s no easy task.

Now that Zoe is out, I would like to see her down at The Boutique buying a new wardrobe. An afternoon with Myrtle and Mrs. Chance is just what Zoe needs.

Not everyone will take to, or understand, Zoe. It was no surprise to me that if one person was going to say vile things about Zoe, it would be JR. After “vile” is an anagram for “evil.”

What did surprise me was Adam’s reaction. Adam is a worldly, sophisticated man. I could see how Adam would be surprised to discover that Zarf, hard partying rocker, was a transgender person. However Adam’s crass reaction to the whole idea struck me as false. It made me sad for Adam and miss the man Adam used to be.

What else? What else?

“All of us (Jonathan, Ryan, Amanda) think he’s guilty.” Well then, Jonathan, let’s just save the taxpayers some money and hang Kenny right now. Lord, I cannot stand the Laverys.

Maybe JR is the killer. Maybe he is faking the severity of his injury as part of an elaborate plot to cover up his eventual murder of Babe. Well, a girl can hope can’t she?

“All my love, R” Rocky was Amelia’s lover?

I cannot believe Erica wore the rhinestone paisley upholstery fabric coat again. It makes my eyes curdle.

Ryan’s roof jumping to scare Kendall was fairly ridiculous. Only one thing could have made it more absurd, if Ryan had been wearing the Green Butterfly outfit.

“Nobody is flashing anything.” It takes a lot to be the biggest ass in the Martin clan, but Jeff has managed it. Anyone else suspect Jeff’s tan glows in the dark?

“Since I know you so well, I know you would never forgive me.” I miss JR and Kendall as friends. I miss Bianca and JR as friends. I miss a lot of the friendships that used to exist in PV.

“No psycho scam is going to get you (Zoe) acquitted.” Of course it isn’t. After all, Zoe’s last name isn’t Lavery.

“(I saw) a bird swooping down.” I am a terrible person. When Dani said that, all I could envision was the killer doing bird shadows on the wall to keep Dani amused while she died. See, I told you I was terrible.

Livia’s scenes had me wondering why she resides on the backburner. It makes no sense. Damn, now my head is starting to hurt.

Who is the bigger idiot? The bodyguard who picked up the box containing the gardenia with his bare hands? Or Josh, who opened said box and the note inside with his bare hands?

Back to the mob scene at Casa Chandler. When Ryan grabbed Zoe was anyone else hoping she would knee him in the nuts? Just asking.

Will this week’s spoilers have us wanting to do a little nut kneeing or not? Let’s see:

The hunt for the White Gardenia Murderer continues.

Deciding he is not done irritating Kendall, Ryan heads back up to the Fusion roof. Ryan sees the killer’s shadow and takes off after him. Ryan slips and falls to his death.

OK. OK. I made up the last part, but I did have you smiling there for a minute, didn’t I?

The killer eludes Ryan. Ryan and Josh team up to get the truth from Zach. Josh decides to inject Zach with truth serum.

Josh, listen up. I knew the sexy but evil Dr. David Hayward and you, little man, are no David Hayward.

Meanwhile, Zach is still locked in the warehouse. He finds a note saying, “She’s dead.” Fortunately, the Cambias clan loved guns and Zach is able to fashion a bomb by emptying the gunpowder from some shot gun shells. Zach blows the door open and escapes.

Zach should really start carrying one of Jack Bauer’s man purses, he would then have an endless supply of C-4 explosive with him at all times.

Zach and Kendall fall into each other’s arms.

And we all hit the pause button and smile.

While Ryan distracts Kendall by promising her a Spike visit, Josh carries out the plan to truth serum Zach.

If Kendall used Spike to distract Ryan, he would accuse her, very loudly, of using “MY SON.” However, Ryan using Spike to distract Kendall is completely different, because everything Ryan does is for the greater good. (Taking a break to gag.)

Under the influence, Zach tells Josh that he knew for weeks that Greg was buried alive. Zach also tells Josh that Tad did the burying.

Damn you, Zach. Not for revealing Tad’s secret but for giving Josh even more reason to be insufferable.

While still in the truth serum zone, Zach tells Ryan that he is Emma’s father. And that Kendall also knows that truth.

Damn you, Zach. Not for revealing Kendall’s secret but for giving Ryan even more reason to be insufferable.

Meanwhile, Derek sets in motion his own plan for catching the killer. He has the newspapers run a story revealing that Dani will soon be able to identify her attacker.

See, now this is a logical plan, which means it won’t work.

Don’t worry. Dani has been safely whisked away to Hawaii, where she will be the guest judge for the Top Chef finale.

OK. OK. I made up that last part, too. Dani is in Hawaii, though, and safe.

Olivia takes Dani’s place in the hospital bed.

There is a flaw in this plan; the killer could easily be scared off by Olivia’s hair.

Jamie and Tad head over the warehouse, where they find the Kenelia portrait pierced by a needle. Realizing that the killer has bypassed Babe and has now set his sights on Kendall, the Martins deduce that David must be the killer.

Of course they do, because even though he has left town, David remains everyone’s favorite evil but sexy scapegoat.

Meanwhile, the current suspect has a busy day.

JR persuades Derek to let him see Zoe. JR invites Zoe to move into Casa Chandler.

If I were Zoe, I would want to establish that I would be staying in the mansion proper and not residing in the tunnels.

Babe is surprised to find Zoe in her bedroom. She and Zoe get into bed together. JR secretly snaps a photo of Babe and Zoe snuggling.

What intrigues me most about this? How JR gets to the second floor. Wait, don’t tell me, Casa Chandler suddenly has an elevator.

Colby and Zoe bond.

This pleases me because Colby needs a female ally in that house, even if that ally is Babe’s current BFF.

Other stuff happens, too.

Tad and Dixie have a flirting conversation. Tad invites Dixie to lunch.

Alert: T&D fans may want to save this scene. The reasons will become clear further down the page.

Erica is one unhappy mother when she discovers Bianca hanging out with Maggie.

I do not think she is as unhappy as I am each time I discover Erica hanging out with Jeff.

Babe draws up her will. The will states that should Babe die, Krystal will be Lil A’s legal guardian.

Wait a minute. Babe doesn’t have sole custody of Lil’ A; she only gets that should she and JR divorce. Of course I could overlook that little fact if Babe would just die already.

Ryan decides not to tell Annie that he is Emma’s father.

Keeping DNA secrets is only wrong if you are not a Lavery.

Ryan confronts Kendall about keeping the Emma truth from him. He does one of his usual Kendall-is-gum-on-the-bottom-of-his-shoe tirades. Ryan tells Kendall he doesn’t understand how he ever fell in love with her.

Ryan has that backwards. What is not understandable is how Kendall ever fell in love with Ryan.

Oh those AMC idiots.

“You’ll always have me, JR.” When Dixie spoke those words she was foreshadowing her death next week. Yes, Dixie is the serial killer’s next victim. AMC fired Cady McClain just before its holiday break; she has already filmed her last scenes. It would be hypocritical for me to now pretend to be a Dixie fan, but thousands of viewers are and have been for years. They have been waiting for Tad and Dixie and Kate to be reunited. Killing Dixie instead is just nasty business indeed.

Here’s to another (very sad) week in the Valley!