AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Feb 26, 2007

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

“Jabberwocky”

Lewis Carroll

Yes, Babe is alive; what could make a day more frabjous than that? The planets are aligned, the birds are singing and the HoosKenny has turned into a river of strawberry soda! Things have never been better in Pine Valley!

Almost as wonderful as Babe being alive is JR promising to keep Krystal’s secret forever. What does JR’s history with Adam, Tad and Jamie matter when Krystal has Babe’s eyes? Glad to see JR is thinking clearly at last.

Speaking of Krystal, kudos to her for taunting JR into almost taking a drink. It’s the least the little SOB deserves for forcing her to have birth control-less sex with Tad.

Oh, and what can I say about the wonder that is Josh? He clearly is the most amazing aborted abortion ever. What a saint. In fact I cannot wait until Saint Babe-alicious and Saint Josh procreate, so their saintlettes can run around the world spreading joy!

If only I believed this all to be true, it would make watching AMC so much easier.

One other thing could make watching AMC easier; getting a hit off of whatever Binks is smoking these days. It must be pretty powerful stuff for Binks to think the picture with Babe and the kids took place in “happier times, before things went to Hell.” In that picture Binks thought she was holding Bess but in fact was holding her own “dead” daughter Miranda. Binks thought Babe was holding Duke Buchanan but Babe knew she was holding Lil’A. That picture was Babe’s dream come true, two young mothers happy with their children. That picture was the continuation of Bianca’s living nightmare, during which her daughter was dead. The week the picture was taken, I wrote that I would not be surprised if Babe used that picture as her Christmas card.

Bianca was not living in “happier times” when that photo was taken. She was in the depths of grief and barely able to make it through dedicating the Miranda Center to her dead daughter. While Bianca was falling apart in public, Babe was sitting in the front row, holding Miranda on her lap. While Babe was out and about using her platinum card, Binks was doing therapy, in part because she could not shake the feeling that Bess was Miranda. Happier times, my ass.

So what exactly was Hell-ish about what followed? Sure, there was the coma but wasn’t that offset by finding out that Miranda really and truly was alive? I guess the Hell was Bianca discovering that Babe really wasn’t her BFF after all.

If we take Bianca’s comment literally, she was saying that she was happier believing Miranda to be dead than she was finding out Babe wasn’t so perfect after all.

As I said, whatever Bianca is smoking it must be pretty powerful stuff.

Thankfully there were some good moments this week to offset Bianca’s disturbing comment.

Damn, the Suarez’s were a cute couple, although given ABC’s penchant for cross promotion I am surprised their first names weren’t Betty and Hector. I absolutely loved how Kendall’s eye shadow matched Zach’s lavender shirt. Coordinated in every way, that’s the Slaters.

One small Suarez nitpick. Didn’t their hotel room bear a startling resemblance to both Kendall’s room at the Island Spa for Surrogates and her hotel room when she was in Florida attending Erica’s and Jack’s wedding? Just asking.

Avuncular Jack is my favorite Jack. I loved his fuzzily warm moment with Bianca at the funeral. His assuring Kendall that, no matter what happens with his marriage to Erica, she will always be his daughter was sweet. Those scenes made me miss Reggie even more, since his relationship with Jack was heart warmingly enjoyable. Jack dealing with “the kids” really plays to Walt Willey’s strengths as an actor. It’s too bad TPTB don’t take that strength and run with it. Perhaps they think a paterfamilias has no sex appeal. Silly PTB.

Oh, I also liked Aidan being firm with Tad about his behavior. A firm Spotted Dick is always a good thing, right?

When Jamie stepped between a spatting Tad and Aidan, I realized Jamie had grown up when I wasn’t looking. Another good thing.

There was even a, gulp, good Ryan thing this week when Ryan gave Zach credit for getting Kendall away from the killer. (Of course that will all blow apart next week when Ryan discovers why the Slaters left town, but still it was actually refreshing to have a scene where I did not have to actively dislike Ryan.)

What else? What else?

“And you call Babe a tramp.” I am always, always, impressed with how the very tiny Susan Lucci manages to have Erica deliver such powerful slaps to people taller than she is, aren’t you? Isabella Santos has nothing on Erica.

It was good to see JR eagerly volunteering to pitch in at the Devane Martin Agency (“Our dicks are both private and spotted.”). If only JR would eagerly volunteer the Charlotte truth to Tad.

Which brings me to this question, why was Greg Madden condemned for deciding who should and should not be a parent when the Careys are rewarded for doing the same thing? Greg was tortured and killed for keeping Kate away from her parents, yet, somehow, the Careys, who did virtually the same thing with Miranda and Lil’A, wound up with half the Chandler fortune and with Fusion stock. Just asking.

I was only kidding last week, when I said Kathy would use the words “Tad” and “Daddy” in the same sentence. Really I was. I had no idea the writers were giving Emma’s old scripts to Kathy.

I could not help laughing when Cambias-the-Elder’s coffin was opened. Those rocks looked exactly like the rock alien character from Galaxy Quest. (Yes, I will go see Alan Rickman in anything, absolutely anything.)

So Cambias-the-Elder is the murderer. On the upside, it means Ryan was Alex’s pawn, which is a completely enjoyable thing. On the downside, it’s completely ridiculous.

Unless Cambias-the-Elder has been popping steroids, he cannot have been doing everything on his own. Is a not so dead Michael his accomplice? After all, Michael would do anything to garner his father’s love.

One thing puzzles me, though, didn’t Simone seem to calmly know her killer when he appeared?

It would have made more sense if the killer had been someone else affected by the Zach staged blackout. After all, Ryan’s sperm and Greenlee’s eggs were not the only ones destroyed. Maybe Greenlee wasn’t the only widow in town planning on having her dead husband’s child. Just saying.

JR. JR. JR. It’s just bad form to leave an incapacitated person lying on the ground in the dark in the cemetery. I like you, JR, but I cannot excuse you for that one. (Still, I did enjoy it when you later pointed out to Zoe that she did not know Babe as well as you did.)

I’m thinking perhaps Freddy’s parents kicked him out, not because he is transgender, but because he is so incredibly rude. And judgmental. Zoe, it was incredibly bad form to verbally attack JR while he was busy burying both his mother and his wife.

I am sympathetic to Zoe’s situation and I like Jeffrey Carlson, but Zoe’s behavior is often irritating. I would love it if someone read her aura for a change.

Did anyone else noticed that Julia told Zoe about having to pretend to be someone else, without pointing out that she had done that for “NINE YEARS” ?

Anyone else remember when AMC used to acknowledge Black History month? At the very least, someone, usually Derek, would mention that the tunnels under Casa Chandler were once part of the Underground Railroad. This year, ABC went another way by having Jack point out Derek’s prejudice towards Zoe. Way to go ABC, you never cease to amaze me.

Like many people, I have started the New Year by trying to loose weight. It hasn’t been easy going but this week I devised a new diet technique. Each time I go to eat something I shouldn’t, I picture Jeff trying to “sex” Erica out of thinking about Josh and I lose my appetite. It’s been working so far.

Speaking of Josh, when Kendall said to Babe, “Josh isn’t going anywhere”, a slight chill ran down my spine. I won’t be surprised if Josh ends up as Janet’s new roommate. (But I can’t turn my back on Josh, JR, while he’s locked up! And besides, what you saw me doing was pushing Josh’s medicine down his throat with my tongue. You want him to get better don’t you, JR, or are you so evil you don’t care?)

Will this week’s spoilers bring us happier times or will they bring us Hell? Let’s see:

It’s all serial killer, all the time on AMC this week.

Bianca gives the Cambias Crest button to Derek, who is not amused. Or particularly interested.

Granted, the PVPD has never been particularly good at solving cases, but is that any reason to make Derek so exceedingly dumb? For the first time, I am really glad William Christian is gone, so I am spared seeing him play these scenes.

The gang heads out to find Jenkins. They do find him, dead on the rocks. Del is inspired to create a new drink for ConFusion, “Death on the Rocks.” It takes Di hours to convince Del that is a bad, bad idea.

I am kind of sad to see Jenkins die. I was hoping he and Zach would have further healing conversations about Amelia. (And yes, I made up the part about Del, although he is such an opportunist I can imagine him doing something so tasteless.)

The DNA test on Zoe’s clothes comes in. The spit DNA is relatively close to Zach’s. (Hey, it’s been a long time since I made a bad pun.) Finally, Derek starts believing the killer attacked Zoe.

Cambias-the-Elder on steroids or Michael, that’s all I am saying. Or Ethan’s heretofore unmentioned twin brother.

It’s road trip time when Tad, Ryan, Jamie, JR and Spotted Dick head to Vegas.

They pass the time doing a chart of how many bed partners they all have in common. Jamie and Tad are relieved to find they do not have any partners in common, however that will probably change before the year is out, don’t you think?

Tad and Ryan question the nurse about Cambias-the-Elder’s last days.

“I’m confused. Aren’t you the same Ryan Lavery who was there during his last hours? I’d recognize that lip-licking and finger pointing anywhere.”

Tad and Ryan get tossed in the slammer. Jack helps them escape.

Remind me again, how can Erica possibly want Jeff, when she already has Jack? Awesome Adventure Jack at that.

JR saves the gang by giving into his violent tendencies.

I guess violence isn’t so bad when it’s used for good instead of evil.

Jamie, JR, Aidan and Tad head to the warehouse where they find a few surprises. One of the surprises is the Amelia imposter’s dead body.

I guess violence isn’t so good when it’s used for evil instead of good. Couldn’t Alex simply have fired her?

The gang finds a lullaby clue from Zach. Ryan interprets the clue to mean they should head over to Red Rock.

Did Zach sing “Rock-a-bye Baby” or “The Big Rock Candy Mountain?” I am hoping for the latter.

Meanwhile, Kendall gets a faux message from Zach instructing her to meet him at the warehouse. Kendall ditches her bodyguards and heads out to meet her husband.

This is why every couple should have a “safe” word. Not just for use in sex games but to slip into messages so your spouse knows it’s a real message. You laugh now, but wait until you get kidnapped…

Kendall is quite surprised when she finds Cambias-the-Elder and an unconscious Zach waiting for her. Alex forces her to leave Zach behind and go with him.

Kendall’s probably thinking those bodyguards would come in handy right about now.

Where does Alex take her? To an exact replica of the house where Zach grew up.

See, this is just creepy but when Zach built the casita replica for Maria it was kind of sweet. I guess architecture, like violence, can be used for both good and evil.

Alex offers Kendall a deal, he will let her live if she leaves Zach for Ryan.

Talk about being between a Red Rock and hard place.

Kendall says she will definitely leave Zach and be with Ryan. Alex does not believe her.

Of course he doesn’t because what woman in her right mind would agree to do that?

Alex gives Kendall a gift of white gardenias and satin ribbon.

One good thing about a gift of flowers and ribbon, you don’t have to worry about getting the right size.

Kendall goes for Alex’s gun.

Please, please don’t let “gun” be a metaphor for anything else.

When she fails to get the gun, Kendall resorts to verbally attacking him about being a bad father and a bad husband.

Kendall has every right to throw in a line about Alex being a piss poor excuse for a father-in-law, too, don’t you think?

Zach arrives at the house and confronts his father. Alex tells his son that he needs to be taught a lesson about obedience.

Instead of going to all the trouble of plotting these murders, wouldn’t have been easier to simply hire Caesar Milan to teach Zach how to heel?

Alex takes Zach out on the balcony where he finds Kendall wearing a white ribbon around her neck. Zach also finds a syringe pointed at Kendall’s neck. Alex holds the trigger to the syringe. Alex makes Zach beg for Kendall’s life.

Somehow I think Alexander is going to need to hear more than “pretty please with sugar on it” from Zach.

Zach makes a move to save Kendall.

Finally, a genuine Friday cliffhanger!

A couple of other things happen, too.

Bianca and Zoe struggle with how they feel about each other.

But not nearly as much as TPTB struggled to come up with a way for Bianca to fall in love with a lesbian who is not (yet) technically a woman.

The designer gloves come off when Erica attacks Barbara.

After all, kitty can’t scratch with gloves on, now can she?

Here’s to another week in the Valley.

And what can I say about ABC that hasn’t been said before? It takes a network with real cojones to celebrate Black History Month by having its only main African American character treat a possible hate crime like a trifling annoyance. Damn, I love ABC.