AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of Feb 19, 2007

(If you would prefer to read my non-spoilered and almost happy view of AMC, that can be found by clicking here.)

What a week. What a week. It truly went from the sublime (the Valentine’s Day episode) to the ridiculous (Krystal blaming JR for the paternity mess she created).

This week I learned that Zach and I hold the same opinion, he is the prettiest man in Pine Valley. Also learned that rumors about Greenlee’s return must be true, why else would Jack say he told his daughter to stay away from PV? Also realized it’s going to take years for my eyes, brain and soap soul to recover from seeing Jeff in a terry cloth robe. During the Bianca/Zoe park scenes, I realized how much I want the scarf Binks was wearing. (Yes, I know I should be bitching about Binks and Zoe together, but did you see that magenta velvet scarf?)

I also realized I need a new DVR because mine did not record the Binky/Babe scenes Josh mentioned. You know, the ones where Babe repeatedly begged, begged, for Bianca’s withheld forgiveness. I would pay big bucks to see the one where Bianca drags a pleading Babe, who is clinging to her ankle, around the shopping mall.

Along with these realizations came the one that I must be stupid. Stupid because I don’t understand how JR’s telling Tad the Charlotte truth would be betraying Tad’s trust. It must be true because Krystal said it.

It was sad, wasn’t it, when Krystal realized Babe’s last days were a living hell? We all hope that our loved ones’ last days will be among their best days, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Any of us could die after having a string of particularly foul days. I remember a few years ago, JR had a couple really awful days in a row. JR found out the daughter he loved more than anything, Bess, was really Bianca’s daughter Miranda. Oh yeah and he also was told that his son was dead. All this sad news left JR crumpled in the fetal position on the nursery floor. If JR had gotten hit by a bus the next day, his last few days would have been a living hell wouldn’t they? And whose fault would that have been? It’s really a rhetorical question, because all bad things that happen are JR’s fault.

Speaking of good days, those Babe-free days felt pretty good, didn’t they?

Over the years Dixie had some really bad days but I never felt sorry for her until this week. It’s a sad sad thing to not get top billing at your own funeral. Even her friend Brooke did not show up. Hey, come to think of it, neither did Ruth, her mother-in-law many times over. Oh well, at least Palmer and Opal were there, even though they were not allowed to speak. Di spoke about her brief relationship with her sister. Her delivery was sloppy and her posture clumsy, just like a real person’s would be. Ms. Giddish never clings to her vanity; that’s one of the things I like about her.

Bianca does not like much about Erica these days, but then there isn’t much to like. The split from Jack remains a bit of a mystery, and her attraction to Jeff truly baffles. Binks does not want to be like Erica, but in many ways she’s already there. Erica has her world view and Binks has hers. Disagree with either one at your own peril.

This week Kendall did not exactly welcome Erica with open arms, either. Whenever Erica has daughter trouble, I think about Mona and smile. I picture Mona up in heaven saying, “Oh, Erica…”

Now that Dixie is dead, I can also picture Billy Clyde Tuggle polishing his dancing shoes in preparation for an eternal pursuit of his Dixie-Belle.

Babs is pursuing Jack to no avail. She hasn’t gotten quite the PV reception she anticipated. I am sure her mood will improve once she lays eyes on Spotted Dick. Seeing him always brightens my day.

Hearing Ryan’s description of turning over the Cambias fortune to Ethan and Miranda certainly brightened Annie’s day. Quite a little fairytale Ryan spun. Ryan-the-Good was the hero again. Annie believed it, that’s what matters. Annie confirmed again how perfect she is for Ryan when she said, “You lead. I’ll follow (ten paces behind).”

“I jacked them (the Careys) around every chance I got.” It made me sad that Colby thinks that is a bad thing when it is one of the main things I like about her.

Brini Maxwell, I mean Zoe looked lovely at the funeral, didn’t she? The classic elegant look really worked for her.

That said, when Zoe began to sing, it sounded like she was channeling a singing Helen Gallagher from Ryan’s Hope. I was truly discombobulated there for a moment, but not upset. I loved Maeve Ryan. Zoe could pick worse soap models to emulate.

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling jacked around or not? Let’s see.

Kendall and Zach take a road trip.

Zach decides the key to unlocking his past may lie in Las Vegas and not Pine Valley. Kendall insists on going with him

Sounds like a good idea, as long as Erica does not go along to reprise her time as Desiree Dubios. To be safe, perhaps the Slaters should not stay at their casino. I hear the Montecito is a nice place.

Zach and Kendall dress up as a gangster and his moll to get answers about Zach’s past.

“Luck be a lady tonight! Luck, if you ever were a lady to begin with, luck be a lady tonight!” Sorry about that but suddenly my mind was filled with images of OLTL’s Kelly and Kevin. They also went undercover as a gangster and his moll; it was like watching the Pepper Pot Players production of Guys and Dolls. I don’t mean that in a good way, either. I am sure Zach and Kendall will do a better job because, well because they are Zach and Kendall, that’s why!

Kendall pretends to be Cambias-the-Elder’s granddaughter. She chats up the nurse who cared for Alex just before he died.

What’s worse, if Kendall pretends her husband is her father or if she pretends her father was her former lover and her sister’s rapist? Tough call, that.

The Slaters visit the cemetery. Zach convinces the manager to open his father’s grave.

Of course the manager agrees. I mean who wants to mess with a gangster and his moll (I love saying moll)?

Quelle surprise! Cambias-the-Elders grave is empty!

Well, of course his grave is empty. Why does he have a grave anyway? He was cremated. That was one of the little details Ryan left out of his fairy tale. Ryan insisted on DNA proof that Ethan was really a Cambias. Ethan could not get a DNA sample from his grandfather’s corpse because Cambias-the-Elder had been cremated!!! (This all lead to the very sad tale of Miranda’s shirt, which Jonathan burned to help Ry. Real fairy tale heroes those Lavery men.)

Zach realized his father faked his death.

Death faking is turning into quite the Cambias tradition, isn’t it? Did Michael fake his death, too? (I actually miss Michael and his ability to get blonde highlights while doing dumpster time.)

His undead Dad calls Zach. Zach agrees to meet with his father. When he arrives at the meeting, Zach discovers quite a scary version of his mother.

Oh dear, has Cambias-the-Elder been channeling Norman Bates?

Back in Pine Valley, things are really a mess. No, really.

Babe’s death leaves Krystal inconsolable.

Whereas, the fact that Babe is really alive is making me pretty inconsolable right now. I wonder if it will cross Krystal’s mind that she feels exactly how Bianca felt after Miranda’s “death.” Nah.

Zoe goes to visit Babe’s grave. She is attacked and badly beaten. JR finds her, does not help her, and leaves.

Any week now, I expect a very special AMC episode. The first half hour will show JR kicking puppies. During the second half hour JR will set fire to homeless people and then drown some kittens.

Zoe believes her attacker was the serial killer. Stupidly, Derek believes it was a hate crime and pays it little mind.

Considering Derek’s family history one would think he would take hate crimes very seriously. Obviously one would be wrong.

Bianca, pissed at Derek for not taking Zoe’s attack seriously, sets out to investigate on her own.

Usually, I dislike it when characters set off on their own to solve crimes, but in this case, you go girl!

Zoe tells Bianca that she tore a button off her attacker’s jacket. At the cemetery, Binks finds a button. The button has the Cambias crest!

I cannot help but picture the killer running around slaying people while dressed in khakis and a blue blazer with gold buttons. It makes it rather hard to take the killer seriously, doesn’t it? What is the Cambias crest anyway? Is there some mythical beast that represents the undead? (Besides a vampire, because, well, this isn’t Port Charles.)

Bianca visits the Chandlers and accuses JR of making Babe choose between her child and her mother. This leaves Adam confused. JR helps Krystal lie to his father about what Bianca meant.

I cannot decide which is more upsetting, that Bianca is taking up for a Babe or that JR is helping Krystal lie to Adam. Both scenarios are ridiculous, aren’t they?

JR vows to Krystal that he will always keep the Charlotte secret. Why? Because Krystal is his only tie to Babe.

Has little Adam been written out of the show while I wasn’t looking?

Kathy makes an innocent remark that sends Tad and Julia reeling.

“Aunt Julia, can you and Tad be my new mommy and daddy? Oh and can everyone please start calling me Kate?”

Tad is angry with himself because he could not keep Dixie safe.

Once again I enter my plea for the return of Ray Gardner’s ghost. “For all your high and mighty Martinizing, you are still a loser, boy. You couldn’t save sweet Jenny, you couldn’t save little Kate and now you couldn’t save Dixie. Oh, and be sure to give my best to Ruthie.”

The White Gardenia murderer continues to taunt Ryan.

“ZacH REaLLy IS tHe PRETTiesT Man IN Pv!”

Oh those AMC actors.

Ronald Guttman returns as Cambias-the-Elder aka the Satin Slayer.

Is it a surprise that this makes no sense? Still, I like Ronald Guttman and if Alex’s return proves that Ryan was completely wrong about him, bring him on.

We will be seeing more of Janet when Kate Collins returns on a recurring basis at the end of March.

I love Kate Collins but how many reformed multiple murderers can PV hold?

Here’s to another week in the Valley!