AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of April 23, 2007

Life in the Valley has been pretty grim for the past few years. There have been fewer and fewer reasons, not the least of which is the absence of the evil but sexy Dr. David Hayward, to fantasize about living in the Valley. However, this week I found myself daydreaming about moving there just to experience Pine Valley’s expanding real estate. While other towns merely have expanding real estate markets, Pine Valley has real estate properties that expand as needed without the hassle of contractors and renovations. Remember Trey’s condo? When Trey moved in there was only room for him, but another bedroom appeared one day when Kendall needed a place to live. Trey went off to prison (how long was his sentence again, eternity?), Jack and Reggie moved in. When Lily joined them, “poof” another bedroom appeared. And by the time Erica moved in another bathroom magically appeared because there was no way Erica Kane would share a bathroom with two teenagers.

I’ve always thought Trey’s condo was the only magic one in town but, boy, was I wrong. Ryan’s old condo is also magic! (Yes, even though St. Ryan doesn’t live there any more.) That relatively small condo suddenly has room for Krystal, Babe, Colby, Lil’A, baby Jenny and her nanny Winifred. (Let’s face it, if it wasn’t large enough, the Careys would have been complaining about JR trying to pull a fast one on them.) I just hope the parking lot has also expanded exponentially to hold all the 18-wheelers that will soon be parking there.

It’s magic, I say, magic!

What isn’t going to be magic is Kendall not starting a petition to have the Careys forcibly removed from her neighborhood. Now that she has asked Babe to hold her hand, I expect Kendall to be dropping by every morning bringing the Careys coffee and muffins from the Serving Spoon. Oh, how I miss the Kendall who would have greeted her new neighbors by saying, “You still here? I thought they already picked up the trash this morning.”

Speaking of things that need to be trashed, how about trashing the notion that Krystal is Adam’s victim and not the other way around?

Adam is not the main villain in this piece; that title belongs to Krystal. She made Adam a cuckold (one reason I love soaps is because I can use that word so often). She used another man’s baby to blackmail Adam into doing her bidding. She named another man’s baby after Adam’s sister. Worst of all, each and every day of her pregnancy, Krystal encouraged Adam to daydream about his daughter’s future. Then, when Adam refused to forgive her within a few days of learning the truth, Krystal whines and moans about Adam abandoning her in her hour of need. Adam left Krystal in a mansion full of servants. Yet, to hear Krystal tell it, one could get the impression that Adam pulled a Ray Gardner and dumped her in the State Park. (And you know, I would not have blamed Adam if he had done just that.)

With Adam as the cuckold and Krystal as the villain, that leaves Tad to play the ass, which he does with startlingly ease. Only an ass would torment a husband about cuckolding (there it is again) him. Only an ass would forget that it was Adam who told Tad he was the baby’s father. Only an ass would lock a man who has had a stroke in a room alone. (Yes, Janet is in there, too, but Tad doesn’t know that.) Only an ass like Tad would continue to believe he is a better man than Adam.

No wonder Adam continues to act like he is having a really bad week, because he is having a really bad week. No one, not even Stuart, has rallied to his side. Brooke’s absence is palpable, isn’t it? Brooke is the one person who could both give Adam sympathy while keeping his actions in check.

Adam is crazy with grief. At any moment I expect to see him in the garden keening at the moon. Adam’s intense pain doesn’t excuse what he is about to do, but it sure as heck explains it.

Now more about Tad. This week I wanted to be poignantly happy for Tad while at exactly the same time I wanted to bitchslap his hypocritical backside all the way to Llanview.

Tad the Cad is best known for his relationships with the women of Pine Valley. Yet, my favorite wasn’t one of Tad’s romantic conquests, it was his relationship with his younger sister Jenny Gardner. There is no hyperbole in saying those two kids absolutely adored each other. When Jenny died, Tad was lost. How lost? Angie described it best when she spoke at Tad’s funeral 15 years ago (I am paraphrasing a bit here): ”Tad’s sister Jenny was the light of his life. When Jenny died, a light went out in her brother’s eyes. That light did not reappear again until he met Dixie.”

So yes, I teared up when he named his new daughter Jenny. I even confess to crying when he was telling the baby about her Aunt Jenny. Yes, Tad and I were having a beautiful moment together when he had to go and spoil it.

Tad spoiled it by whining about missing out on Jamie’s and Kate’s infancies. Not that it isn’t sad, of course it is. It is sad that Tad had amnesia when Jamie was a baby. It is sad that Greg Madden coerced baby Kate away from Dixie.

Both those things are very sad, but not as sad as a parent being kept from his child by a stepfather he loves and who professes to love him in return. An example, an example. Oh yeah, like when Tad was complicit in the plan to let JR spend the rest of his life grieving for his son. And I guess we are not supposed to remember Tad’s part in the Mirabess mess since he only let Bianca believe her daughter was dead for a little while.

All it would take for me to get past this would be for Tad to express sincere regret for causing such deep familiar pain in others. Until then I am left wanting to hug Tad while simultaneously slapping him.

What else. What else.

“All I could think about was my first days here (at Fusion). It was total war.” Oh poor, Babe, how could those Fusion bitches attack you the way they did? I am sure their behavior had nothing to do with your smug attitude about forcing Kendall to work with the woman who helped shatter Bianca’s world into a million pieces.

“As long as I have a home, you have a home.” Darn that Sean Montgomery for making me like him. (Does anyone else ever call him Sean Cudahy by mistake?)

“I was moon-eyed moron.” As much as it pains me to disagree with Krystal, Adam was the “moon-eyed moron”, Krystal was the manipulative adulterer.

“I’ve got you and Spike and whoever is growing in there and Myrtle.” And me, Zach, don’t forget me!

“We’re not talking about who owns the baby.” Stuart, Adam wasn’t talking about owning the baby, he was talking about the pain/humiliation of realizing that the he is not the baby’s father. Really, Stuart, if all you can do is tell Adam how wrong he is, maybe you should just stay in the gatehouse.

“We don’t lose babies in this hospital.” That’s right, Joe, except for that time three years ago when Bianca took Miranda from the nursery without being noticed. Short term memory becoming a problem for you? Maybe it’s time to bring David back as the new Chief. (Yes, I know Vincent is on Y&R but a girl can dream.)

Speaking of the hospital, didn’t you love how total chaos broke out the minute the nurses left the building? Yes, nurses are essential to making a hospital work, but the halls suddenly being filled with aimless hordes of people in scrubs was ridiculous. Hilarious but ridiculous.

I loved how Marion’s lipstick matched her scrubs! What a woman!

“Adam never deserved you (Krystal).” You’re right, Josh, Adam, for all his faults, never deserved the hell that was Krystal. In fact, I think the only men in Pine Valley deserving of life with the Carey women are the Martins.

“It’s not “Take Your Sister To Work Day.” Ava and Lily are a wonderfully refreshing story, aren’t they?

Shouldn’t someone at least have mentioned Ruth during the nurses’ contract negotiations? Has Joe forgotten he has a wife? (Kind of like he forgot to tell Bianca that Bess was Miranda?)

“Any man who would fake his own death would fake insanity to avoid prison.” I couldn’t decide if Jack was talking about Cambias the Elder or just giving Ryan some legal advice.

“The people we love get no justice” That sort of thing has been going on in the Valley for years, Jonathan, just ask Sam and Maddie. When you are done asking them, why don’t you ask the bodyguard’s widow and kids the same thing?

“Would it be more fair if you (Babe) had died instead?” Oh, oh, let me answer that one, Ryan. Yes, it would have been more fair if Babe had died. At the very least, it would have been more fair to me.

Suddenly I have the inexplicable urge to see The Nanny Diaries, how about you?

“We deserve the best and together we can always con others into giving it to us.” Anyone tear up during the pinky swear ceremony? Somehow what the writers see as heart warming I experience as vomit inducing.

I loved the Zach/Kendall/Bianca scenes at Fusion. Thorsten Kaye was glowing, I swear he was.

I am glad Bianca is taking Miranda back to Paris. I am tired of hearing that little girl whine about missing her friends and her school. (Was I asleep during those scenes?)

“Living with you (Krystal) is the best thing that ever happened to her (Colby).” You’re right, JR, because now Adam can no longer encourage Colby to trade sex for grades instead of studying.

I have decided to support Ryan and Annie as a couple. Why? Making wedding plans is keeping Ryan too busy to hang out at the Slaters’.

JR may have Chandler Enterprises, but let’s face it, Adam has much better hair.

Are this week’s spoilers going to be the best or are TPTB going to simply con us into thinking they are?

Baby, baby, who’s got the baby?

Tad immediately suspects that Adam has Jenny. Tad heads to the mansion to beat the truth out of the man he cuckolded (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Tad may be younger and stronger, but Adam has much better hair, so my money is on Adam surviving this encounter.

Jamie decides the kidnapping is all JR’s fault since he did not head off the nurses’ strike.

Yep, you’ve seen through evil JR’s plot, Jamie. JR actually orchestrated the nurses’ strike just so that Adam could take the baby. Later that same day, JR keyed all the cars in the PVH parking lot. Jamie, I didn’t think it was possible but you have become more tiresome than your Uncle Jeff “I love plaids” Martin.

When Jamie realizes that Amanda has been helping Adam, he rips her up one side and down the other. Jamie tells Amanda it’s her fault that Jenny is missing and that Tad is in pain.

Yes, it is, Jamie, because Amanda is the one who cuckolded (!) Adam, lied to him about the baby being his and then taunted him with the news. However, Jamie it is a bit cruel to make Amanda wear her, “It’s all my fault because I am neither a Martin nor a Carey” panties.

Adam gives Jenny to Janet for safekeeping. Janet fantasizes about the kind of life she will have with Adam and Jenny.

I wonder if Janet daydreams about teaching Jenny to count by doing paint-by-number projects together.

Adam arranges a black market adoption for Jenny.

There was a time when this would have appalled me but AMC has taught me that baby theft is not such a bad thing. In fact, AMC has shown me that stealing a baby just proves that you make decisions with your heart, your loving heart.

Krystal holds Adam at gunpoint, demanding to know where her daughter is.

When did Krystal make the switch from Whoop Ass to firearms?

Krystal forces Adam into the tunnels.

If I were holding someone at gunpoint, I’d look for a place a little more private than the Chandler tunnels.

Bianca feels compassion towards Krystal and reaches out to her.

If only the writers would feel compassion towards their viewers and stop the “Careys are all things bright and beautiful, all things wise and wonderful” nonsense. If Bianca says, “Krystal, I know how you feel. I remember when Miranda and I lost each other….”, I will open my own can of Whoop Ass on ABCD.

Things are happening over at New Beginnings (did you know Erica has a not very new show?)

Ava pretends to be Lily so she can steal things from the studio.

Cue Cards? Botox? Low fat doughnuts?

Discovering Zoe will be living in London, Kendall tries to talk Bianca out of moving to Paris.

Well, Kendall, that will teach you to be very careful what you wish for.

Zoe’s appearance is going very well until a bigot in the audience interrupts the show. Erica defends Zoe while deftly putting the ignorant audience member in his place.

No one rises to the occasion quite like Erica; I cannot wait to see it.

Meanwhile, those related to Cambius-the-Elder are not having such good time, either.

Hannah does her best to goad Zach into seeking revenge against his father. Zach refuses which both puzzles and upsets her.

OK, Hannah, it’s time you realize you don’t have goading power over Zach. In fact, it appears you have little power over him at all.

Hannah is less than thrilled to discover that Zach and Kendall are expecting their own little bundle of Slater/Hart joy. Hannah takes her anger out on Josh.

I suspect Hannah is a bit unstable, don’t you? Still, her instincts to use Josh as her whipping boy are spot on.

Kendall cannot find Zach.

Don’t worry Kendall, Zach is off being fitted for his Red Herring costume.

Quelle Surprise! Cambias-the-Elder is shot on his way to the psychiatric hospital.

Man, it’s just one shock after another on this show, isn’t it?

Derek suspects Zach was the shooter but isn’t inclined to investigate the crime.

Justice isn’t blind in Pine Valley, it’s whimsical!

Zach tells Derek he wants his father to survive the shooting. Zach wants Alex to spend the rest of his life in diapers in psychiatric lockdown.

Well, Zach, as revenge goes, that’s a pretty damn good one.

Zach feels a little queasy when he sees Hannah and Kendall together.

“OMG, they both look like my mother!”

Here’s to another week in the Valley!