For the Week of April 16, 2007

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

                                                            Mae West 

Thank the heavens Megan McTavish’s scripts disappear at April’s end or I fear we would soon be hearing Bianca greeting Zoe with Mae West’s question.  

Zoe’s story could have been a classic socially relevant AMC story. Instead it has been unending mishegas with only a few moments of truth, heartfelt emotion and good writing. There were many mistakes but the biggest was involving Bianca in a love story with Zoe. It muddled Zoe’s story and disregarded Binky’s history.  

Bianca’s romantic love for Zoe messes with two important things about Bianca, she was raped and she is a lesbian.  

Bianca’s only sexual experience with a man has been rape. She was a virgin when Michael raped her. Any woman, virgin or not, would have to deal with some serious issues before embarking on a sexual relationship with any man after a rape. Yet, has Bianca even mentioned the rape to Zoe? Does Bianca even remember it? (Or has she turned the rape into a fairy tale the same way she turned Miranda’s kidnapping into “when Miranda and I lost each other” ? I will not be surprised if someday Binks describes Miranda’s conception like this, “Well, Miranda’s father and I had a difficult relationship. I have full custody because one day he just disappeared.”) 

Bianca is also a lesbian who made it perfectly clear, many times, mostly to Maggie, that one either is a lesbian or not. There has never been any middle or bisexual ground for Bianca on that point.

That is why I could only shake my head in disbelief when Bianca said to Zoe, “I love every part of you.”  Not discussing the many tap dancing elephants in the room made Bianca seem idiotic. 

Zoe’s story could have been told in so many other ways. Zoe could be transforming into a heterosexual woman. Imagine Derek’s or Kenny’s surprise and confusion when he found himself attracted to her? Or Zoe could still be transforming into a lesbian. She could be helped in her journey by that hot PV couple, Bianca and Leslie.  Either scenario would have left Bianca’s sexuality intact and let Zoe’s story unfold as her own.   

Of course whatever Zoe’s story, it would have taken more than a few months to be told in a truthful and compelling fashion. The baby switch went on seemingly forever, yet Zarf showed up naked, announced he was really a lesbian named Zoe, broke some furniture, fell in love with Bianca, was rude to many people,  propped Babe ad nauseam, worked for three minutes at Fusion and is now heading back to London.  

Zarf to Zoe was a really good idea for a story, and a soap is the perfect genre for a story that should take years to tell. Logically AMC would seem to be the right soap to tell the story, but not at this time with this head writer, this producer and ABC Daytime’s micromanagement in full swing.  

Oh well, we got to see Bianca kiss someone with a penis, which was probably the point of the whole Zoe exercise. 


What else. What else.

I am on Adam’s side because if people who had betrayed me, broken my heart and my trust, were refusing to leave my house, I would be pretty enraged, too. 

When will the men in PV learn that when you lay down with Careys you get up not knowing which kids are yours? 

When did they move the Wildwind kitchen? For years it has been through the little room off the living room and to the left. This week Di sent Ava down the front hall and to the right.  

Women birthin’ babies alone with an unlikely person to help is a long standing soap tradition. Still, didn’t Colby having to help Krystal in a house full of servants seem a little ludicrous? 

When Adam returned to the bedroom I was surprised Hazmat wasn’t there cleaning up. Just the thought of Carey body fluids seeping into the carpet makes me wretch. 

Speaking of body fluids, would AMC please declare a moratorium on discussing or making reference to characters’ intimate body parts? Don’t get me wrong, I love genitalia as much as the next person, maybe even more, but in the past year I have had to think about Erica’s uterus, Zoe’s penis,  Ryan’s vas deferens and now Krystal’s surprisingly small birth canal. I need a break, especially now that I can no longer distract myself by thinking about David’s intimate parts. 

“Babe and I spent our last night in this house.” Krystal, the day you say, “Babe and I spent our last night in Pine Valley” will be the day I truly rejoice. 

Ava may be trouble but it’s difficult to dislike someone who calls Jonathan “Stalker Face.” 

While Zoe had a right to be upset when she believed Adam had set her up, destroying the yacht club terrace was disturbingly violent. I believe Zoe is a woman, but I also believe she’s no lady. 

“And you’re not Lil ‘A’s grandfather any more.”  I hope Adam throws this back in your face one day JR. What day would that be? The day Babe says “And you’re not Lil ‘A’s father any more.” 

Molly was mentioned again this week but why doesn’t anyone ever mention where she is? Is she back in Seattle or is she producing puppet shows with her Aunt Chrissie in Europe? 

“Di thought it would be a good idea to bring a hooker in to our home.”  Well, it beats Julia inviting Edmund’s murderer to live in his house, Jonathan. 

I loved the scenes with Zoe and her mother. Both actors were terrific and it was one of the few times in this story that the writing supported the fine acting.  

Is there anything cuter than Zach, Kendall and Spike? Nope, didn’t think so. 

Hannah may have a hidden agenda but it’s difficult to dislike someone who says to Josh, “You assume I care about your opinion.” 

Wouldn’t it have been nice it if someone had at least mentioned why Brooke wasn’t visiting her injured son in the hospital? 

I thoroughly enjoyed Erica and Adam at the Yacht Club. Adam tearing up when Erica admonished him to not let himself be broken was heartbreaking.  

Even more enjoyable than Adam and Erica are Adam and Janet. Kate Collins and David Canary have always had wonderful chemistry. I love the expressions on Adam’s face each time he realizes that dealing with Janet may be more complicated than he anticipated. 

“I don’t think Ava is going to be blowing anyone up in a cave.” I like Di, I just do.  Yes, impersonating Dixie was a bad thing but when discovered, Di dealt with her punishment head on. Unlike the Careys, Di did not make her victims feel guilty for being mad with her behavior. And when confronted with her pole dancing past, Di did not make excuses. She did not blame anyone else. For those reasons, I do not find it hypocritical when she brings up Jonathan’s past.  At least someone in PV remembers it. 

“With you (Adam), it's always about power and control and punishment.” OK, Tad, let’s see if we can use those three words in another sentence. For example, “Needing to gain control , Tad showed he had power by burying Greg alive and received no punishment for causing his death.” Works for me. 

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling in control or like we are being punished? Let’s see: 

Another Chandler joins the cult of Carey Worshippers. 

Colby tries and fails to understand why Adam left Krystal alone in labor. 

Because if Adam had helped Krystal it would be more difficult to view him as evil personified, that’s why, silly girl. 

Colby decides she is leaving Adam’s house and moving in with Krystal and the baby. 

Colby, Colby, Colby did Krystal’s toxic body fluids destroy all your Chandler genes? 

Adam confronts Krystal about stealing Colby away from him.  

“You brought this on yourself, Adam Chandler. You are to blame for this, all of this! My comforting Tad, my letting you fall in love with a baby that wasn’t yours, my refusing to leave you alone, it’s all your fault and until you apologize, you deserve whatever happens to you, even losing Colby.” 

Babe and Krystal teach Colby the ways of the SC2. 

OK, while I grant that learning to swallow without gagging is a useful skill, learning to trade sex for grades will not be good for Colby in the long run.  Will Colby pass the SC2’s final exam? Will she be able to multitask by simultaneously checking a driver’s license, making ketchup soup with her curling iron and switching DNA results? 

After checking Tad’s financial records, Krystal tells Tad how happy she is that he is the baby’s father. 

Yes, I made the first part up. Krystal will be happy with Tad as the father until she finds someone better. That, too, is the SC2 way. 

Opal visits Jenny and Krystal. Opal gives Krystal a special gift. 

An exploding jet ski? Although, just like the poisoned pancakes, the wrong person would undoubtedly be killed (in this case the wrong person being anyone other than Krystal).  Maybe the gift is Jenny’s tail from her days at Foxie’s. Now that’s a gift Krystal could appreciate. (We get to see Opal!!!!) 

Pressured by Adam, Amanda gives him a sheaf of Jamie’s papers. What neither realizes is that Kathy’s adoption papers are part of the package. 

We would think that Julia would have put those in the Wildwind safe but then we would be wrong, wouldn’t we? 

The Chandlers are not the only family in town having a bad week, it’s pretty bad for the Cambias clan, too. 

Everyone is shocked and irate when Cambias the Elder decides to use the insanity defense. 

Why? It seems like every accused murderer in PV uses that defense, why should Alex be any different? 

Zach and Jack fail at trying to prove Alex is sane. The judge sentences Alex to life in the state psychiatric hospital. 

What??? Aren’t they even going to check to see if Alex just has some bad in him that needs to be cut out? 

Zach torments his father by describing what life in the state psychiatric hospital will be like. 

Maybe Zach should just make Alex sit through repeated viewings of The Snake Pit. 

Cambias the Elder is shot on the way to the hospital. Zach announces he is free of his father at last. Hannah throws the pieces of a rifle into the river. 

Two red herrings and the shooting just happened! Of course whomever Derek arrests first will be innocent. That’s the PVPD way. 

Other stuff happens, too. 

The nurses go on strike. 

Let me guess, does this leave the nursery understaffed?  

Josh tells Krystal he is ready to forgive Babe and move on with his life. 

I am no fan of Babe’s but why is Josh forgiving her? Wasn’t he the stalker? 

Bianca gives Zoe her first Estrogen shot. 

I would have chosen someone with needle experience, like Julia, but hey, that’s just me. 

Much to everyone’s dismay, Ava and Lily bond. 

This probably means another scene with the increasingly irritating Jonathan. Oh goody. 

Sean is quite surprised when he meets Ava. 

“Oh, wow, she’s hot and she’s not really a relative. Not really.” 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

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