AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of April 9, 2007

Kate will be back next week with her AMC Spoiler Commentary.

For the Week of April 2, 2007

“Everybody expects me to be this huge brat.”

Bianca

My dear Bianca, I know you were talking about business people you meet, how they expect you will have an entitled attitude given your birthright. It turns out those business people are wrong; in business it appears you are not a brat at all. Well, but, ummm, hmmm, how can I say this, dear sweet Bianca? The situation in your personal life is a bit different. You were a brat as a child and while your brat-like ways have been tempered by life experiences, Bratianca still exists today. Let’s look at your behavior towards Kendall over the years. When you were a little girl you did your best to humiliate Kendall during her stint as a waitress. You threatened to speak with her superior if your orange juice was not freshly squeezed and pulp free. You also threatened Kendall with the wrath of a thousand harridans if the blueberries in your muffin were frozen, not fresh. In those days, your every word to Kendall dripped with contempt.

These days while your brat behavior has been tempered by some truly rough life experiences, Bratianca still pops out whenever someone’s behavior disappoints you. (And by “someone” of course I mean “someone” other than Babe, whom you inexplicably deem to be almost as sainted as you are.) In your childhood your weapons of choice were contemptuous words and a matchbook. Modern day Bratianca’s weapon of choice is the threat of being banished forever from your splendor. Two years ago, you threatened Kendall with banishment if she clued JR in on the plot to steal Bess. Didn’t matter that Kendall was your sister, the sister who was willing to do prison time to protect you. Nope, all that mattered was that you get your way. More recently, you threatened to leave Fusion forever if Kendall did not immediately hire Zoe. Let’s see, you also threatened Erica if she continued to carry on with Jeff. Now that you have decided Zoe is worthy of your time, woe betide the person who does not automatically understand her situation and accept her. No matter that you took your own sweet time figuring out what Zoe was all about. This is Bianca World and you write the rules. People adhere to those rules or they are gone from your grace forever. Granted, Bratianca is not the only side to your personality. You can be brave and true and you have a sense of humor. All those are good things, bestowed upon a worthy few. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you Bianca, I do. You are the perfect combination of Erica’s narcissism and Travis’ self-righteousness covered with a thin veneer of Mona’s down-to-earth genuine goodness. Yes, I like you, Bianca, but I would like you a lot more if you would just admit you are a brat in saint’s clothing.

What brought on this Bianca rant? The scene where JR pulled Miranda onto his lap, hugging her. Bianca reacted as if JR had just peed on her $500 shoes. Yet Bianca was fine moments earlier when Babe, who kept Miranda from her for months and months, was playing with her. It was clear to me then that while Bianca has rules, those rules make no sense.

On the other hand, why should Binky’s rules make sense, when little in Pine Valley makes sense these days?

What the hell is up with JR? Taking a stand against Adam is one thing, but siding with the Careys is quite another. The sociopathic cult of 2 (SC2) never rewards loyalty. When a man or a purse or a baby outlives its usefulness, the SC2 tosses it aside. JR should know that by now, but he will undoubtedly be surprised when he’s dumped by Babe and his new momma, Krystal. Was he checked for brain damage after defenestrating himself? Wouldn’t JR be better off seeking solace in his Aunt Di’s arms?

Over the years, I have always enjoyed Adam but have seldom approved of his methods until now. Adam’s scorched earth policy towards the Careys and the Martins has my full support. Eventually Adam may soften towards the “pathetic lying little piece of crap” but may he never soften towards the SC2 and the “Conspiracy of Martins.”

It’s difficult to tell how soft Hannah’s feelings towards Zach really are. Hannah was friendly but there was something going on beneath the surface. Was it bitterness at a universe that would kill Ethan before they could reunite? Was it anger at Zach for not immediately claiming Ethan as his own? Was it disappointment that Zach’s personal life has little room for her? Is it insanity? Or did her feet just hurt from traipsing all over the Valley in 4 inch heels?

Whatever it is, I kind of like Hannah. And I don’t like many in PV these days.

Starting with Jamie. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, we had made such positives strides in our relationship recently, hadn’t we? This week you took 1,000 steps backwards and there is no coming back. How could you treat Colby, who has never done anything to hurt you, with such utter disregard? Your SOB flag was flying high in those scenes, but that was only the beginning.

“That was a smart move, siding against your Dad, but you have a long way to go after what you’ve done.” I guess I am just slow on the uptake here, James, but wasn’t JR keeping the Charlotte truth from Tad on par with Tad planning on letting JR think Lil’A was dead? Couldn’t we just call it a wash and move on?

“Leave my father the hell alone.” Ohh, you are so scary Jamie when bellowing at a man in a strait jacket. Let me see if I have this correct, OK? You, Jamie, are allowed to coldcock Tad and leave him tied up in a bedroom, but Adam is not? Just want to be sure I’ve got the rules straight.

And then we have Tad. Tad has always been one of AMC’s heroes, despite his proclivities for infidelity and hypocrisy. Tad’s days as a hero are clearly over. Tad, always the antithesis of Adam, said to a very worried Colby, “Who the hell cares where your father is?” Way to go, good guy.

Still Tad did say this week’s funniest line, “Suddenly, I’m the villain?” Not quite so suddenly, Thaddeus. Your transformation into a villain began when you buried and tortured Greg. Oh yeah and to this day, you let the majority of PV residents believe that Zach was responsible for Greg’s death. Such actions a villain make, Tad. Those Gardner genes are really kicking in aren’t they?

What else. What else.

My heart is breaking a little for Colby. No one seems to care that Charlotte was Colby’s sister and that it was Colby’s father they drugged and stripped. I remain firmly convinced that Myrtle’s is the place Colby needs to be.

Sean was a little heart breaking this week, too. First when he realized Erica wasn’t as perfect as he thought (don’t worry, Sean, all men eventually come to that conclusion). He then tried to save his Uncle Jack by falling on his sword and moving back to Seattle with Barbara. He and Reggie would make great cousins, wouldn’t they?

“I don’t need any encouragement (from Babe).” You’ve been studying the Dummies Guide to Stalking again, haven’t you Josh?

Did anyone else think the hooker alley in Philadelphia looked surprisingly like the hooker alley in Las Vegas?

“You ruined all your children.” JR, you are giving Adam way too much credit here. Skye’s mother was a master manipulator and liar. Hayley’s mother, the much missed Arlene, was a textbook alcoholic parent. You spent most of your formative years with Dixie and Tad. As for Colby’s mother, Liza, see “Skye’s mother” above.

I love Emma so much that I hardly notice if Ryan and Annie are in the scene with her. That’s a very good thing.

Betty really delivered the whole package, didn’t she? The concern, the fear, the guilt and, yes, the love. It’s abundantly clear she loves Freddy/Zarf/Zoe, but is confused. What isn’t abundantly clear is how she raised such a rude child.

Speaking of Zoe, when she first came to town, she flung the word PENIS around like a four year old saying a “bad” word. Zoe even showed Joshua her PENIS. I am wondering if her PENIS had any reaction while she was kissing Bianca and will that ever be discussed onscreen?

I was only kidding last week about Erica wearing the French maid’s uniform but I am glad she did it. It, along with the flashbacks, showed how Erica and Jack evolved over the years. Although I still don’t understand exactly why they broke up, do you?

“He is one of the most generous guys I know. He is liked by everyone. He's an overall good guy.” I guess Wednesday is Amanda’s day to wear her “Pimp Jamie as a Hero” panties.

Please, please, wardrobe department, stop dressing Jeff in plaids. His wardrobe is even more boring than his storyline.

“I step on people like you getting out of bed in the morning.” I would love to see that, wouldn’t you? Adam actually stepping on Jamie when he gets out of bed.

Who do you think is better at “comforting”, Krystal or Barbara?

More importantly, which PV resident would you choose to “comfort” you? (Me, I’d choose Adam. If Adam is busy, nothing like a bit of Spotted Dick to make a girl feel completely “comforted.”)

It was sad to hear that Sarah is still working at being a straight girl, wasn’t it?

This week’s Grace Under Pressure Award goes to Adam Chandler. What other man could look so dignified while wearing only a mink coat and pink flip flops?

Will this week’s spoilers leave us feeling comforted or decidedly out of sorts? Let’s see:

Janet is free and happy, leaving the rest of Pine Valley scared and checking their freezers.

Adam persuades Amanda to spy on Tad and Jamie. How does Adam manage to be so persuasive? By threatening to have Janet framed for murder.

I am a little disappointed in Adam. Committing murder is no big deal in the Valley, just ask Jonathan and Tad. More threatening to Amanda would be telling Del that Amanda really really wants him to comfort her. Repeatedly.

Janet is snug as a bug in a rug in a cozy room in Casa Chander’s attic.

Thank goodness she’s in the attic. If Janet was hiding in the tunnels she would never get any rest, what with people traipsing through them 24/7.

Tad locks Adam in the attic but Janet rescues him.

Adam. What an evil SOB; he keeps acting like Casa Chandler is his home or something. Geesh.

Thaddeus, Thaddeus fly away home. Your house is on fire and your pool table’s all alone.

Yes, Adam probably is the arsonist. It would be much more fun if Liza set the fire to get back at Tad for treating Colby so shamefully.

Tad attempts to reestablish some sort of relationship with Krystal.

Their conversation ends badly and violently when Tad cannot convince Krystal there is anything in it for her.

Unfortunately, the violence does not end with Krystal’s death, which tells me there is nothing in these scenes for me.

Janet decides she needs some “comforting” from Adam.

A woman has needs, Adam. Even a crazy woman on drugs has needs; besides Trevor always seemed completely happy with Janet’s comforting talents.

Babe decides to go ahead with the divorce. JR agrees but tells his lawyers to put the divorce on the slow track.

If only Jack and Erica’s divorce had been slow-tracked. Still, how else could viewers be teased with the possibility of a second Jack/Erica wedding?

Babe decides to move out of Casa Chandler.

Good move, Babe. No, really. What the SC2 haven’t learned is that people cannot miss you if you never leave. In fact, Krystal and Babe, I promise to miss you both if you leave Pine Valley. No, really.

Babe accuses Josh of using her family problems to get what he wants. Babe tells Josh that they will never be a couple. Ever.

Josh rereads “Being Patient with Your Prey” which is Chapter Five in The Dummies Guide to Stalking.

Zoe’s days in PV may be numbered, but they are chock-full of drama, AMC style.

A customer harasses Zoe at ConFusion. Del tosses the customer out on his arse.

Want to bet that Del then asks Zoe if he can write a book about her?

Bianca tries to explain to Betty that Zoe really is the same sweet person Zarf was who was the same sweet person Freddy was.

Of course this whole explanation would be easier if Freddy had just changed his name to Freddie. That’s exactly the change my transgender friend made; it simplified a lot of practical things for her.

Zoe has a very emotional meeting with her mother. Zoe promises Betty that she will return to Indiana, living her life as Freddy.

Does this include dropping the accent? (Yes, I realize this decision is very sad, even sadder than how badly AMC has bungled Zoe’s story.)

Bianca realizes how much pain this decision is causing Zoe. Bianca also realizes that she is in love with Zoe.

So it logically follows that Bianca is leaving town, because we will never see Binks have a full-fledged onscreen relationship. And what pray tell was the point of bringing Zoe to town if TPTB never intended to tell her full-fledged story, either? (As we know, the answer is simple, it was a ratings stunt.)

Other stuff happens, too.

A hooker kisses Aidan. A hooker who looks just like Lily.

Spotted Dick is so adorable that even hookers want to give him some free “comforting.”

The hooker is Ava, Lily’s heretofore unmentioned half-sister. Di and Aidan disagree about whether or not to tell Lily about Ava.

Aidan will want to protect his former pretend girlfriend by not telling Lily. Di will want Lily to have the chance to know her sister. The death knell sounds for Aidan and Di.

Ryan is alone at the penthouse. The phone rings. He answers it. There isn’t a person on the other end, just a recording that keeps playing, “She flies through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young girl on the flying trapeze.”

Yep, Greenlee hits town this month. Her portrayer is Sabine Singh. I hope TPTB keep Greens true to her motto, “”I’m a bitch, that’s what I do.”

Here’s to another week in the Valley!