For the week of July 9th

Life in Pine Valley is far from idyllic. Residents have endured serial killers, rapists, arsonists, bomb makers and the Careys.  Pine Valley’s adultery rate is of epic proportions. Pine Valley parents know it’s never a given that the children they believe to be theirs really are theirs. The number of siblings a resident has fluctuates, sometimes on a daily basis.  Pine Valley residents have to accept living in a bizarre space time continuum where their ages go up every year, yet Erica Kane’s age remains the same. Yes, life in Pine Valley can be tough. 

Still, it has one thing going for it.  If you have to work off community service hours, you can do it at the Yacht Club! Gotta love the Valley. 

And I do love the Valley even when AMC isn’t perfect. True, it hasn’t been anywhere near perfect in years, but this week there were some glimmers of hope that improvement may be on its way. (OK, I don’t really believe that but just like clapping for Tinkerbell, maybe if I say it enough it will happen.) 

I have to thank Janet for pretending to be Natalie in order to seduce Trevor. If Janet had not been so deliciously nefarious, we wouldn’t have the glimmer that is Amanda. I should be shocked that Amanda carries a flask but instead it made me howl with delight. Obviously Amanda was wearing her There’s no way I am working on a holiday without taking a little nip panties. 

Amanda can make me howl with delight but she also can break my heart. Her childhood fantasy of a pill that would magically cure her mother and by extension, bring her father back to life made me misty.  

Amanda definitely raised the energy in the Fusing the Fusion women workshop.  

Di was another energy raiser in those scenes. Her comments about shaving and getting a pedicure were perfect counterpoints to the Annie/Greenlee angst.  Di fans are in short supply, but how can I, a pedicure babe myself, not like a character whose own pretty toes make her smile? 

Annie reminds me of Kevin Dobson’s character Mac on Knots Landing.  Mac once said, “Ever since I moved to this cul de sac I feel like I am living in a soap opera.” Annie must feel that way about Pine Valley. True, her life before the Valley was no picnic, but at least her first husband Terry did not have a history of pretending to be dead, he just pretended to be in Ireland. 

And does anyone really believe that Annie’s childhood was perfect? Nope, me either. 

Annie is right that Greenlee is a “paranoid narcissistic little bitch.” Now Annie needs to find a way to make that work for her. Arguing/confronting a crazy person never solves anything, it only makes you feel crazy, too. Perhaps Annie should have a little chat with Amanda about dealing with someone who is not quite right. 

As for Greenlee, I am holding to my belief that she had a breakdown after Leo died that is still manifesting itself. Her words don’t match up with her body language. Her energy levels are all over the place. She often has an inappropriate flat affect and at other times her energy is inappropriately high. Either Greenlee is nuts or the AMC directors don’t understand Greenlee at all.  I am hoping it’s the former, not the latter. 

Why do I want Greenlee to be nuts?  Because….. when a crazed Greenlee realizes Ryan, not Annie, is the root of all her problems, her reaction will be over the top. In her manic state, Greenlee will kill Ryan and frame Jonathan for the murder. Jonathan goes off to prison. David returns with a cure for Greens’ problems. (A pause while we think about all the ways David has to cure someone.) Annie goes off to NYC where she becomes a successful author and marries a man who doesn’t make her feel insecure and/or crazy.  

Sorry, I got a little carried away there didn’t I? Can I blame it on brain damage caused by all the anvils dropping on my head? Here’s what the anvils are telling me: 

Madonna                   Whore 

I absolutely hate that AMC is using this insulting dichotomy for Lily and Ava.  Let me clarify, I hate it when any soap uses this insulting dichotomy to define female characters. It’s demeaning. And yes, I would be equally upset if soaps used the “Virgin Guy/Trash Dick” dichotomy to define male characters, but they seldom do, do they? 

The most interesting thing about Lily is not her purity; it’s the way her mind works. And how Lily tries to adapt herself to a “normal” life.  The most interesting thing about Ava is not her promiscuity but whatever led her to life on the streets. And how Ava is trying to adapt herself to a “normal” life. 

End of diatribe and on to what else happened this week on AMC. 

“Heroin chic is so 90s.”  Quick with a quip Colby sounded like Liza, didn’t she? 

“Our business was finished, we got the divorce.”  Ryan proves yet again that Greenlee is from Venus and he is an ass. 

When Annie was running her hands through the bowl of sand, I kept expecting to see pieces of chewed gum and some cigarette butts. It’s a good thing Emma doesn’t have a cat, isn’t it? 

Kendall to Josh and Greens: “I never realized before how much you two have in common!”

Josh to Greens: “You’re an aborted abortion, too?”

 Well, that’s what I heard him say. 

If every day Spotted Dick walked across the screen wearing only his boxer briefs, my AMC mood would improve considerably. 

Kendall hiring Krystal to cater the workshop was wrong, dammit, wrong. 

Not every man can look both hot and powerful in a pink shirt, but Adam manages both very nicely. 

Seamus Wong. I don’t have anything to say about him except I like saying his name. Seamus Wong. 

“Lily has something the rest of us have lost along the way.” I hate it when Jonathan talks about Lily’s virginity, don’t you? 

Speaking of Jonathan, the mustache-in-training is a bad idea. Unless the plan is make him look, not just behave, like a stalker. 

“I can’t believe I’m cheating with my own wife.” Perhaps Jackson should form a support group with Big Love’s Bill Henrickson for men who commit adultery with their own wife. 

Anyone else notice that Josh has a bit of an Eddie Munster hairline going on? 

“When he’s not being a son of a bitch.”  If Jackson didn’t already have a posse that line would be reason enough to start one. 

“We were great friends.” High on my list of reasons to never feel kindly towards Megan McTavish is her destruction of the Kendall/JR friendship. 

Opal! Marion! Pigs doing the Macarena! Heaven! 

“Well, Chief Frye, why don’t we go back to your place so you can kiss my grits in private?”  Sure, you’re laughing now……  

Will this week’s spoilers have us feeling like we are talking to a crazy person or not? Let’s see: 

Here’s what passes for “Love in the Afternoon” these days: 

Greenlee continues insisting that Ryan must still be in love with her. 

You have to give Roger and Mary credit; they did a fine job of creating abandonment issues in their daughter.  

Annie confronts Greenlee and lays down the law. Annie later tells Ryan that Greenlee will no longer be causing problems in their marriage. 

I don’t know what Annie has been smoking but I wish she would share. 

Annie and Ryan have sex which strengthens their resolve about having a Greenlee-free marriage. 

Clearly Annie has shared whatever she has been smoking with Ryan. And they both inhaled. 

Greenlee’s world falls apart when she realizes Ryan really does love Annie. 

Greenlee is undoubtedly thinking Annie is the luckiest woman alive. What Greenlee should be thinking is “There but for the grace of God…” 

Josh finds a broken Greenlee and offers to make her feel better. How? By making her immune to Ryan’s charms. 

Oh, happy day, another recycled story. The first time around was bad enough. I wonder if Josh will don La Perla lingerie and ask Annie to stand really really close to him. (Actually that scene might be worth seeing.) 

Josh and Greenlee spend the night together, although, at Josh’s insistence, they do not make love. 

Turns out Josh is only able to have perform in a kiddie pool. 

Josh and Greenlee decide to let everyone think they are now lovers. 

Everyone=Ryan and Annie. 

Babe is confused by her reaction to Amanda and JR being lovers. 

I wonder if she is confused at ConFusion?  It would be fun if Babe realized her jealousy stems from her deep desire to have sex with Amanda. Hey, with Binks in Paris, Babe has to channel those fantasies somewhere, doesn’t she? 

Adam has a little confab with Erica. He suggests they reunite. 

As I recall Erica used to refer to one of their times together as a marriage made in hell. While I don’t want a romantic reunion, I do like Adam and Erica as friends. Powerful friends. 

Lily is confused by her reaction to seeing Jonathan and Ava kissing. 

I wonder if she is confused at ConFusion? What if Lily realizes her confusion stems from her deep desire to have sex with Ava, the one person she can touch? Those incestuous desires would not creep me out as much as Jonathan’s half grown mustache does. 

Colby fails at getting Adam and Krystal back together. 

Colby’s desire to have an intact family is sweet, but having her attempts fail is even sweeter. 

There is more fussing at Fusion. 

Ava is humiliated when Kendall realizes she’s not Lily. 

It is embarrassing to have your lack of math knowledge exposed. 

Di gives Ava good advice about being herself. 

Di giving this advice makes perfect sense. Di learned the hard way that pretending to be your sister only leads to heartache. 

Kendall tells Zach about her model problems. Zach suggests combining both the Fusion Green campaign with the Madonna/Whore campaign. Kendall decides she can use Ava as the model for both. 

Lily will be happy for her sister. Greenlee will be appalled.  

Other stuff happens, too. 

Barbara puts a camera in the Yacht Club’s Love Shack. She hopes to catch Jack and Erica doing what they do so well. 

Well, now we know why Barbara looks so tired. She has been staying up watching Showtime after midnight. 

Sean stops his mother from going public with Jack and Erica’s reconciliation. 

Sean’s loyalty to his Uncle Jack is touching. It doesn’t make Sean interesting but it does make him likeable. 

Stuart asks Zach to sell the mansion to him. Stuart wants the house for Colby and Lil’A. 

The big question here is not whether Zach will sell it to Stuart, but whether or not they will pay Marion a commission. 

Ryan and Zach head off to NYC for a day of pampering at the Bliss Spa. 

OK, they are really going to NYC for business, but it’s more fun thinking about them getting a mud wrap together. 

Here’s to another week in the Valley.

Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2007

July 2, 2007

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June 18th, 2007

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Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2006

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