AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of June 18th

Hmmm…hmmm….la de da lada… oh excuse me, I’m sorry but I didn’t even hear you come in. I guess I was too engrossed in needle pointing a belated wedding gift for Annie. See? It’s a pillow that says, “Marry in haste, repent in leisure.”

I mean, c’mon, that old chestnut must have crossed her mind at least once during these past few weeks of Greenlee infestation. Usually it takes years to feel like an outsider in your own marriage, but Annie is feeling like that before she even goes on her honeymoon.

True, Annie should have tried to find out more about Ryan before the wedding, but who was she going to ask? Ryan has a frighteningly facile way of rewriting his history as quickly as he makes it. Jonathan worships Ry, albeit in a very creepy kind of way. Bianca thinks Ryan is perfect, as does Erica. Usually talking to a former girlfriend can clarify some things but Kendall thinks Ryan is a totally swell guy. When Annie married Ryan she believed he was a great guy, a hero, Pine Valley’s patron saint. Little did she know that Ryan is an ass in saint’s clothing.

It makes perfect sense that Ryan would ask Greenlee to be part of the family without talking to his wife first. It was déjà vu all over again because years ago he made Greenlee part of Cambias/Fusion without talking to Kendall, the woman he professed to love, first. He insisted that Kendall accept Greenlee on his terms, not hers, just as now he is insisting that Annie accept Greenlee on his terms, not hers. What a guy. What a yelling, spitting, misogynistic asshole of a guy.

“You can either shut up and listen to what I have to say to Greenlee or leave.” It pained me that Kendall did not groin kick Ryan when he said that. It pains me that the women in Ryan’s life give him respect he has neither earned nor ever returned.

Let me rephrase what I said earlier, Ryan is his father in saint’s clothing.

Dreaming a few little dreams was a nice counterpoint to all of Ryan’s badgering bullying bluster. Colby’s dream was my favorite. It was perfect for a girl brought up in the music video age. Colby is in love with her best friend who is sacrificing himself for her; it makes perfect sense for her take a sad song from her iPod and turn it into a video. Although for a moment, when Sean curled his lip, I thought everyone was going to burst out singing Jailhouse Rock.

Erica’s dream was perfectly Erica. Of course more than one extraordinarily rich and attractive man wanted her, she’s Erica Kane! It was fitting that Erica’s dream was a game show, since she often acts as if other people are merely game pieces she can move around whenever a whim strikes her.

Adam’s dream was funny and poignant. “He’s a Martin, I’m a Martin. I’m a Martin, too.” Feeling a little pain at JR crossing over to the dark side, Adam? I am, too. Frankly it took me a moment to realize that Adam’s dream ended with JR dying at the kidnappers’ hands; I just assumed JR had been Martinized to death.

The Fusion madcap sales presentation wasn’t funny. For one thing, just a few weeks ago the owner of the chicest, hippest, most glamorous spa was raving over Fusion products. For another, Fusion was making sufficient profits for Kendall to payback Erica. And finally, if Fusion was headed for trouble, Erica would have sounded the alarm. All her ego problems aside, Erica has always been a damn fine business woman. Why were the Fusion women then tap dancing (in heels) as fast as they could to impress George Weston? The same esprit de corps could have been achieved by having the women work together to capture a new market to strengthen Fusion. Why not have them trying to dazzle Sephora in order to gain a worldwide market? I hate women being made to look like twits. Other soaps manage to have women involved in business struggles without reducing them to giggling girls trying to impress Daddy; AMC should do the same.

What else. What else.

“Do you like to hunt? I like bear.” Unfortunately for that woman, Jack prefers to hunt beaver.

“I felt exposed and pathetic like a crazy woman.” Ahh, Greenlee, while I don’t support anything you have done since your return, I applaud your insight into your behavior.

I wasn’t surprised that Adam was wearing a sweater in Krystal’s dream. After al,l when Adam puts a sweater on, his family jewels come off.

Why is Marion letting Stuart hang around Kyrstal alone? The Marion I know, and love, would be there, too, dahhhling.

“Always follow the three B’s: Baby stealing. BJ’s. Blackmail.” I just loved Babe’s speech, didn’t you?

Maybe Jamie would be more interested in having a child with Julia if she suggested stealing one.

“I’ll get the money, son. I’ll get it.” Adam can just make me cry. He just can. Damn you JR for making your father cry. C’mon over here, you need a spanking.

Di juggling made me smile. Di praising Babe did not.

I would much rather listen to Bobbie Eakes sing than Krystal talk any day of the week.

Can we stop with the flashbacks, please? The Greenlee ones don’t measure up to the originals (I mean, how could they since David was missing in the little trip down Thanksgiving Memory Lane?) And now that we are getting Lily/Jonathan ones, too, they feel more and more like filler.

Speaking of Greenlee, my husband watched nuGreenlee for the first time last week. His comment? “She’s like Melissa Gilbert without the depth.” Now, I am still giving the recast, who’s dealing with bad writing, a chance but he did make me laugh.

Fusion. Ecological. Logic. Doesn’t that slogan, combined with the green pepper photo, make it sound like Fusion sells produce? Still, it beats Babe’s idea for a relaunch, “When throwing a lipstick party people in the know choose Fusion!”

“I call it a Krystal Kreamsicle.” I bet you do, Krystal, I bet you do.

Well, will this week’s spoilers make us feel like juggling our schedules so we don’t miss a moment? Let’s see:

As usual, kidnapping leads to sex.

Amanda wants to escape and demands to know why JR won’t help her. JR confesses that he staged the kidnapping. Amanda slaps him.

A slap, that’s it? Can you imagine what would happen to JR if Amanda told Janet about what he did? I can and am sorry that won’t be happening.

Amanda demands part of JR’s ill-gotten gains. JR acquiesces to Amanda’s demands and then makes love to her.

Amanda must be wearing her Ransom Makes Me Horny panties.

Their needs satiated, Amanda and JR fantasize about getting revenge on Adam.

The couple that plots revenge together stays together. At least until Sweeps.

Adam turns to Zach for help. Zach agrees to give Adam the $100 million for JR’s ransom.

Adam must truly be distraught to not notice that Zach agreed just a little too easily. He must be wearing his “I’m too distraught to make rational business decisions” boxers.

It slowly dawns on JR and Amanda that they are not as in control of their destiny as they believed.

It’s a sad world when you cannot even count on hired thugs to be loyal.

JR thought he was scamming Adam but it turns out that Zach was pulling all the strings. Zach is scamming both Chandlers.

JR does deserve a bit of a comeuppance but this makes me sad. Sad because I loved Zach and Adam as partners. Their scenes crackled with energy.

Adam waits at the Comeback for the kidnappers.

First JR is kidnapped and now this. Adam really is having an awful week, isn’t he?

Adam is reunited with his son. Adam tells JR that Zach lent him the funds to pay the ransom. JR realizes that Zach used JR’s truly stupid fake kidnapping plot to gain control of all that Adam owns.

Seeing Adam beaten down again is not making me smile. At all. Plus it’s making me like Zach a little less, which is definitely not a good thing.

The Montgomerys’ week is not going a whole lot better than the Chandlers’.

A distraught Lily tells Jack and Sean about being harassed by a drug dealer. This leads to the very logical, although not admissible in court, conclusion that Ava bought the drugs and planted them in Sean’s pocket.

Will it dawn on Ava that she put Lily at risk? Will it dawn on the writers that while many of us wanted to see more of Levin, a character as obvious as Ava was not what we had in mind?

Not surprisingly, Jackson tells Ava she has to move out. Surprisingly, Ava tells Lily that moving is her idea. Why? Ava does not want to upset her sister. Ava starts living at the boathouse.

The PVPD is puzzled when crime stats for the boathouse rise suddenly.

Di invites Ava to move into Wildwind.

No surprise since Ava meets the basic requirement for Wildwind residency-a criminal past.

Krystal hires Ava to work at the Comeback.

No surprise since Ava meets the basic requirement for full-time employment at the bar- a criminal past.

Other stuff happens, too:

While holding Spike, Greenlee is overcome with emotion.

That’s the second thing Greenlee has done that makes sense because Spike is on adorable little tyke. The first thing Greenlee did that made sense? Getting Babe to leave Fusion.

Julia breaks up with Jamie. She then heads to California to introduce Kathy to the rest of her new family.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when Kathy starts talking about her friend Jonathan who also lives at Wildwind.

During a tutoring session, Jamie and Babe reminisce about the night they met on the beach.

Jamie: You were so beautiful, not to mention easy.

Babe: You were so sweet when you helped me steal the cow. And really, you were the best adulterous sex I have ever had!

Jamie: Really? Even better than kiddie pool sex with Josh?

Babe: Oh, yeah, lots better.

Jamie: Oh, Babe.

Babe: Oh, Jamie.

Oh, those former AMC actors:

Congratulations to Mary Louise Wilson, who was the first actress to play Greenlee’s grandmother. Ms. Wilson recently won the Tony award for “Best Featured Actress in a Musical.”

Congratulations to Ellen Wheeler, who played Stuart’s wife Cindy, for her Daytime Emmy win. Ms. Wheeler is the Executive Producer of Guiding Light which was one of the two shows voted “Best Daytime Drama.”

And a shout out to Vincent Irizarry, the former evil but sexy David Hayward, for being on the other show voted “Best Daytime Drama”, the Young and the Restless.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!