AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

May 21, 2007

Sparring as foreplay, a longstanding Pine Valley tradition, was back this week and not a moment too soon.

Erica and Jack set the standard for sparring as a sexual sport decades ago. Their verbal sparring can raise the heat in a room without once mentioning sex. That’s no small feat. Add Tad and Barbara to the mix and the Yacht Club scenes were actually fun to watch.

Amanda and JR make interesting sparring partners, both with gloves and without. She hates him and he is not too fond of her, either, so they should be having great sex any moment now. It doesn’t have to be a relationship that lasts, it just needs to last long enough for Amanda to stop pining after Jonathan and for JR to stop mooning over Babe. Of course, if the relationship did last, Janet could be Little Rembrandt’s step-grandmother. Oh, happy days.

Kendall and Greenlee used to spend a good deal of their time together sparring, which certainly was more fun than listening to them worship Ryan. We don’t know yet if newGreens is a world class sparring partner or not. I do know she did not get nearly enough therapy while gone if she thinks divorcing Ryan is a bad idea. A man who gets a secret vasectomy, who physically threatens his pregnant wife, who always believes his crazy brother over you, and who fakes dying in the same tragic way your first husband died, is really best seen in your rear view mirror.

I never bought Ryan and Greenlee as a couple. Greenlee taking an ax to Ryan’s computer was the highlight of their relationship. A few years ago I put forth the notion that Greenlee suffered a major undetected breakdown after Leo died. It was the only plausible explanation for her wanting Ryan so desperately. I am hoping that the only reason she wants Ryan now is because Ryan wants Annie. If she really wanted to reunite with Ryan, Greenlee would have been in touch after Erin died. Like her stepmother Erica, Greenlee does not like to share her belongings with others, even if she is done with them.

As for Greenlee’s real mom, it’s time to bring Mary, but only if played by Anna Stuart, back. A recast is always a bit unsettling. It might be easier to accept this new Greenlee if we saw her arguing with Mary over money. A few scenes with her grandfather Woody giving her sage advice wouldn’t hurt, either.

Annie certainly is being an adult through all this, isn’t she? Annie manages to hold on to her dignity, no matter what happens in her life. That will serve her well when the day comes for Ryan to spit, “That’s CLASSIC Annie.”

Adam was being classic Adam this week and I loved it. Teaming up with Zach to take back Chandler Enterprises was a genius move. In doing this, Adam is being a good father whether he intends to or not. It will do JR good to have some of that braggadocio knocked out of him. On a shallow note, Adam and Zach in suits look hotter than most men look naked. Just saying.

What else. What else.

Last week we saw Barry Shire. This week we saw Val!! And we also saw a Lacey’s shopping bag!! It’s those little things that are giving me hope for AMC. (If Donald Steele returned to cover the “love-vorce” my hope factor might go off the charts.)

“We harassed a citizen on a sketchy charge.” Derek, isn’t that what the PVPD spends most of its time doing?

“Jack wants a little wifey.” Erica must be having Botox induced delusions. Jack never expected Erica to be a “little wifey.” However, I do think Erica expected Jack to be a little lap doggie.

“You mean America’s going to vote?” I was just kidding when I suggested that last week, really I was.

“You couldn’t chase me away from this place.” When Babe said that, I had the sudden urge to call in Palmer’s Dobermans.

Oh and, Babe, keep your hands off Kendall! That hug made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Annie and Dixie now have something in common. They both refused to take their wedding dresses off until they saw their grooms again. (Unfortunately for Dixie, Tad was “dead”. Unfortunately for Annie, Ryan wasn’t.) I guess we all have a little of Miss Haversham hiding in us somewhere.

“I don’t do second chances.” Oh, JR, don’t be silly, you have given Babe countless chances, but then she probably has a more talented mouth than the ousted board member.

Shouldn’t everyone be more concerned about Jonathan mooning over what he believes to be Lily’s picture than they are about Ava borrowing her credit card? At least Ava doesn’t get the credit card all sticky.

“Ethan left this earth before I did, is that best?” No, Hannah, of course it isn’t best. On the other hand, not contacting Ethan as soon as his grandfather died wasn’t the best thing to do, either.

“I took her child, her dreams and her happiness.” That may be true Kendall, but someday when you realize that you are stuck with Ryan for the rest of your life and Greenlee isn’t, you will see that she got the better deal after all.

“He (Sean) said he nailed it.” Jack, I know you don’t like Ava, but referring to her as “it” is a bit cruel. I love that humor is sneaking back into AMC.

All the Martin men were gathered outside of SC2 headquarters, except for Jeff. Could that possibly mean Jeff will be leaving the Valley soon?

“ I just -- I never stopped loving him. I tried. But I'd hear a laugh that sounded exactly like his, or I'd walk past a comic book store or a motorcycle would go by or I’d see someone wearing a clown nose.” OK, so that isn’t exactly what Greenlee said but that’s what I heard her say.

“First, you’re a killer, then you’re a moron and now you’re a loser perv.” Ava may not be as smart as Lily, but she certainly summed up Jonathan perfectly.

Tad really knows how to shop for his women, doesn’t he? Who else would think to give Krystal a necklace of diamond encrusted cock rings?

Will this week’s spoilers have us wanting to pelt the writers with clown noses or not? Let’s see:

Greenlee’s return continues to be very different than she imagined it would be.

Greenlee tries to get Ryan to admit that he only married Annie because they share a daughter.

Not just any daughter, Greenlee, they share the amazing Emma.

Ryan insists that he married Annie because he loves her.

Ouch!

Greenlee signs the divorce papers. She heads back to Pine Valley alone while Ryan and Annie stay on Divorce Island for their honeymoon.

And that’s why Greenlee should have brought a friend along. Oh, wait, she doesn’t have any. If only David hadn’t left town; Greens always had more chemistry with him than she did with Ryan.

When she returns to Fusion, Greenlee has the nerve to be mean to Babe.

And few are better than Greens at being mean. You go, girl!

Greens gets even meaner when she announces that her shares were only on loan to Babe and now she is taking them back.

Damn the recast. Damn thinking divorcing Ryan is a bad idea. Greenlee, I love you!

Simone’s shares combined with her returned shares now give Greenlee controlling interest in Fusion. Kendall reacts by calling Zach who signs over all the Cambias’ Fusion shares to her. Greenlee and Kendall are now equal partners.

Like son, like father. Remember when Ethan made Simone an equal Fusion partner by transferring Cambias’ Fusion shares to her? Sigh.

Zach has a little meeting with Greenlee so he can confess to causing the blackout. Zach hopes this will divert some of Greenlee’s anger away from Kendall and on to him.

Zach may not be perfect but he sure as hell is wonderful.

Unfortunately, Greenlee’s anger towards Kendall escalates. How could Kendall marry a man whose actions broke Greenlee’s heart?

Have you looked at Zach, Greenlee? I mean really looked at who he is?

Spike’s arrival at Fusion only makes Greenlee feel worse.

That’s too bad because seeing Spike always makes me feel better.

Greenlee storms off to the roof. Ryan follows her to let her know that he and Annie got married on Divorce Island.

Maybe the next story Annie writes should be called Greenlee and Her Really Really Sucky Day.

Ryan ends their conversation by kissing Greenlee. Ryan thinks things are now resolved between them. On the other hand, Greenlee takes this a sign to fight harder to win Ryan’s heart.

That’s because Greenlee is from Venus and Ryan is an idiot.

Greenlee isn’t the only one annoying the Slaters this week.

Zach tells Josh exactly why he doesn’t completely trust Hannah.

Well, first of all the only people Zach does trust are Kendall, Myrtle and Spike. Secondly, Zach knows what Hannah does to people who have hurt her; she shoots them; that would make me a little uneasy, too.

Hannah informs Zach that he owes her. And what does he owe her? Another child. We don’t know how Zach responds to this request. What we do know is that eventually Zach leaves Hannah’s room and Hannah leaves town.

I think the outcome to this storyline would have been different had Thorsten Kaye not renewed his contract. Hannah’s departure now raises the question, when will Hannah return with a baby she claims is Zach’s? Of course, if we don’t actually see Hannah depart PV, there is the possibility that Zach killed her. I could accept that outcome easier than accepting Zach being unfaithful to Kendall.

Other stuff happens, too.

Krystal and her BabyDoll demonstrate their many talents at the Roadside Bar.

Will they actually be in the bar? Or in the parking lot out back? Either way, Krystal’s new necklace should come in handy.

A drunken Derek kisses Krystal.

OMG, what was Derek drinking, Ever Clear with a moonshine kickback?

Colby finds an X-rated message to Sean from Ava.

Why didn’t someone tell me that next week is National Trollop Week?

Despite Ava’s machinations, Colby and Sean share a sweet kiss after the prom.

That’s nice. No really. I am surprised Barbara isn’t pimping this relationship, given that Colby’s father is the very wealthy Adam Chandler.

The Martins welcome Krystal into the family.

Krystal then tries to make the famous Martin coffee cake using only an iron and some spray cheese. Hilarity ensues.

Jack’s words deeply affect Erica.