AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the week of July 2nd

Did you know that every time someone new acknowledges the wonderfulness that is Babe a thousand angels get their wings? This week alone, thanks to Greenlee, a thousand more angels are happily flapping away.

I should dislike Greenlee being in awe of Babe but I have come to expect Babe-propping as a rite of Pine Valley passage every character must go through. I don’t like it, but I expect it.

Instead of completely disliking Greens this week, I actually felt a bit sorry for her. Delusional as she is, Greens did not hallucinate Ryan making her part of the “family.’ Greenlee did not weave some fantasy about Ryan saying she could be Spike’s stepmother. Those things really happened. More elusive to prove is Greenlee’s assertion that Ryan still looks at her like he wants her. From my perspective Ryan looks at Greens the way he looks at everyone, like he expects to be worshipped. I do admit the way Ryan looks at Greenlee is not saying, “Have a nice life, now get the hell out of mine.” Or as Greenlee’s grandmother might put it, “there’s No No on his lips but there’s Yes Yes in his eyes.”

Greenlee was understandably devastated when Ryan told her they could never be friends, never talk and never spend time together with Spike. (This begs the question, will Greenlee want to spend any time at all with Spike, now that Daddy isn’t part of the deal?) Greenlee feels betrayed. A devastated and betrayed Greenlee is a very dangerous, unpredictable Greenlee.

Annie is getting a bit of my sympathy, too. Yes, she should have spent more time getting to know Ryan before marrying him. On the other hand, when you have feelings for a guy who turns out to be your sperm donor, it’s not unrealistic to see that as a sign that the two of you are fated to be together. Annie is a woman who writes fairy tales, which helped fuel the belief that she was destined to be Mrs. Ryan Lavery.

Annie is trying to take the high road here but that’s difficult when your husband keeps changing the map without telling you. First, Ryan didn’t consult Annie about inviting Greenlee to be part of the family and then he didn’t tell her about his breakfast meeting with his former wife. How can Annie feel anything but insecure?

There is no mystery to why Greenlee is devastated. There is no mystery to why Annie is feeling insecure. The only mystery in this whole mess is why both women continue to want a controlling idiot like Ryan.

This Annie/Ryan/Greenlee mess has me flashing back to one involving Brooke, Tad and Dixie. Tad married Brooke to provide a stable family life for Jamie. He loved Brooke as a friend, but he was in love with Dixie. Brooke, for her own reasons, did not want to admit that the marriage wasn’t based on true love but on parenthood. The more Brooke came face to face with the truth, the more insecure she became. I recall a scene where Brooke told someone (Trevor? Jack?) that if she and Tad had another child, everyone would know theirs was a “real” marriage. A lot of soapy stuff happened. In the end true love won out; Tad and Dixie reunited. By that time even Brooke had accepted that inevitability; just before the wedding Brooke said to Tad, “I always knew it would be you and Dixie, you two are supposed to be together, everyone knows that.”

Of course the earlier story had better acting and better writing, but Ryan and Greenlee together are inevitable. Maybe not this year or next, but eventually.

I want Annie to leave Ryan. In fact, I want her to say, as she is going out the door, “You? Trying to control everyone? Trying to have everything your way? That’s CLASSIC RYAN.”

What else. What else.

“Having to fight my way back.” Yep, Babe, your struggle to regain your life was both heartbreaking and awesome. The way you handled being unemployed for two whole days before Greens begged you to come back. The way you studied for less than a month before taking the GED. Yes, Babe, if ever there was an example of climbing every mountain, fording every stream, it’s you.

“Seamus. The guy who’s smarter and richer than you.” I like the way Amanda puts JR in his place without humiliating him or making him feel guilty.

What the hell was the Montgomery family doing celebrating the good times at Krystal’s bar? They should not be supporting any venture of Krystal’s unless it’s a venture that has her moving far away from The Valley. And when did taking Lily to a noisy roadside bar with neon lights seem like a reasonable thing to do?

It was amusing the way Greenlee kept threatening to fire Annie, when Annie is the only Fusion hire with actual business experience.

Sven Morganthal, body guard. I don’t think there’s been a Sven in Pine Valley since Sven-with-the-magic-hands worked at the Glamorama.

“I’ve had it up to here with the Hidden Wonders of Greenlee.” I can empathize, Annie, because I’ve had it up to here with the Hidden Wonders of Ryan. Oh, and the Hidden Wonders of Mama and her BabyDoll, too.

“I fought the luggage but the luggage kept fighting back.” This line brought back memories of Susan Lucci’s skit on SNL titled, “All My Lost Luggage.” Ms. Lucci, unlike Erica, does not mind making fun of herself.

Who in the Slater household plays the piano? Just the thought of Zach’s fingers tinkling the ivories makes me a bit warm.

Krystal’s special drink, Blue Balls, looked tasty, didn’t it?

“If some really decent people hadn’t been kind enough to not prosecute me for conning them.” Yes, that isn’t exactly what Krystal said, but that’s what I heard her say.

“You gotta buck up, little soldier.” I like Kelli Giddish. Why? Because she delivers every line, whether it is important or merely a throwaway line such as this, in a way that is totally natural, totally real.

“Just like it’s not your fault that he turned out to be an entitled sociopath.” I hate disagreeing with Zach, I really do, but he is wrong about JR. JR is not an entitled sociopath; he’s an entitled alcoholic with severe abandonment/trust issues and is lacking a moral compass.

JR: That’s blackmail.

Amanda: And it turns me on.

Who would have guessed that Amanda owns a pair of “I was born to be a felon” panties?

“You’re not God. I am.” OK, that isn’t exactly what Ryan said to Zach, but we all know it’s what he was thinking, right?

Adam telling JR the truth was breaking my heart. It is wonderful to see David Canary front and center again. That’s how it should be.

When JR was at the yacht club, trying to verbally keep up with Zach, I kept thinking he was channeling Michael Cambias’ hair, complete with dumpster highlights.

I want to like the new Greenlee. Really I do, but her voice and line delivery are distracting. When she speaks it sounds like my mother using a cellphone: far too loud with every word and every sentence lacking nuance. Well, Colby grew out of this annoyance, maybe Greens will, too.

“Having a father who is a lousy example of what a man ought to be.” Adam. Tsk. Tsk. The correct wording should be “Having fathers who are lousy examples of what men ought to be.” After all, you don’t want Tad to feel left out, do you?

“I have never faked it.” Not once, Erica? Not even during your marriage to Jeff? I find that difficult to believe.

Will this week’s spoilers have us concocting our own special drinks or not? Let’s see.

It’s only fitting that this holiday week includes fireworks at Fusion.

Fed up with the tension at Fusion, Kendall arranges a retreat for her co-workers.

Let’s hope it starts by making Greenlee and Annie retreat to their separate corners.

Despite the retreat, Greenlee cannot change her feelings towards Annie.

What I find interesting is that Greenlee is angry with Annie. Wouldn’t it make more sense for Greens to be angry with Ryan? Oh, wait, I forgot no one is allowed to be really and truly angry with Ryan. Silly me.

Kendall directs Greenlee and Annie to work together on the Fusion Green campaign. Annie and Greenlee’s efforts to work together soon degenerate into a bitchfest. A very physical bitchfest. In keeping with the spirit of Fusion Green, they pelt each other with green peppers and Granny Smith apples.

Maybe it doesn’t play out exactly that way, but that’s how I see it in my head.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Babe rises out of the current chaos with a brand new product idea.

Fusion Green boxing gloves?

Kendall asks Lily to be the model for the Fusion Green launch campaign.

Yes, it sounds like the perfect job for Lily, doesn’t it? Make up and hair stylists touching her. Bright flashing lights. Launch parties filled with strangers. I guess someone forgot to tell the new writers about Lily’s Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Kendall tells Ava she is not getting the job as the model for the Fusion Green launch.

Things would have worked out better for Ava had it been the Fusion Red launch.

The Adam/Zach tango of power continues.

Zach offers to let Adam rent the mansion for one month.

It doesn’t upset me that Adam may lose his house. It’s an ugly ridiculous house. Adam deserves better.

Zach and Kendall discuss their plans for redecorating the mansion in front of Adam and JR.

I have a few ideas for the Slaters. First, knock out the wall between the teeny tiny foyer and the living room. Then create a double marble staircase leading down to a grand living room. I can see it in my mind’s eye, can’t you?

Adam heads to the casino, ostensibly for gambling, but his real agenda is to find out how involved Zach was in JR’s kidnapping.

Adam heads right into another heartbreak.

Tad figures out that JR arranged his own kidnapping. Tad advises JR to tell Adam the truth and partner with him to take the ransom back from Zach.

Tad advising anyone to tell the truth just makes me giggle.

JR does tell Adam the truth. Adam responds by walking out.

Well, to be fair, Adam has barely had time to recover from JR’s last betrayal.

Adam and JR pair up, reluctantly, to do battle with Zach.

If Adam was going up against Zach alone, my money would be on Adam. However, since Adam is saddled with JR, all bets are off.

JR’s plan to get Palmer’s help doesn’t work out.

Oh, who cares about the plan? We get a Palmer scene, what else matters?

Zach offers JR a job, which he accepts. JR is less than thrilled to discover that his boss is Josh. Josh delights in repeatedly humiliating JR.

First of all, humiliating JR is Babe’s job. Second, hasn’t Josh already repeatedly humiliated JR by cuckolding him? And third, why do the writers want me to start disliking Josh all over again?

Zach explains to Myrtle that he took down the Chandlers to protect his family from JR.

Oh, Zach, if only this made sense. It isn’t money that makes JR dangerous, it’s JR himself. Why can’t Zach see that JR wouldn’t be any threat at all if he was in prison for attempted murder? And why isn’t JR in prison? It’s because Babe committed perjury. So you see, Zach, Babe is the real reason JR remains a threat. I think you should go after Babe instead. Pretty please?

Other stuff happens, too.

Jonathan kisses Ava. At Wildwind.

Oh, Jonathan, there’s nothing more romantic than kissing the look-alike sister of your virgin ex-wife while standing in the house that used to belong to one of your murder victims, is there?

Erica tells Ryan what to do to save his marriage.

Erica giving anyone marital advice just makes me giggle.

Adam watches Krystal and Derek dance. Adam realizes how lucky he is to be rid of all things Krystal.

Of course, he doesn’t think that, but it’s the only way I could bear typing up this spoiler.

Tad suggests that he and Krystal live together as friends in order to give Jenny a stable family.

A few years ago, Tad suggested the same arrangement to Brooke in order to give teen aged Jamie a stable family. If they are going to recycle Brook stories the least they could is recycle the stories with Brooke actually in them.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!