AMC Spoiler Commentary by Kate Brown

For the Week of October 29th

We don’t need to check the calendar to know November sweeps are coming. This past week felt like filler. Plots have been set in motion but we won’t see their resolution until next month. AMC is biding its time and we viewers are, too.

Although AMC is suffering from the doldrums there are one or two things keeping me interested.

Ahh, the joy that is Richie. Apparently Richie hasn’t gotten the memo explaining that Ryan is the Patron Saint of Pine Valley. Even if Richie read the memo, I suspect he would laugh as he tossed it in the trash. It’s amusing to watch Ryan trying to deal with someone who isn’t intimidated by his stentorian speech and self- supposed intelligence. Richie also doesn’t prostrate himself before Saint Ryan. Ryan is clearly puzzled by Richie’s attitude. For me, Richie’s attitude isn’t puzzling it’s a breath of fresh air.

Not only is it refreshing, there are facts to support Richie’s attitude.

Ryan believed Cambias-the-Elder left him his fortune because he thought Ryan was an exemplary human being. Only an idiot would fail to suspect he was being scammed.

Flush with Cambias Cash, Ryan purchased a very expensive penthouse. Only an idiot would pay that kind of cash to live in a building that doesn’t have an emergency phone in the elevator or dead bolt locks on the apartment doors.

Ryan insisted that Greenlee be made part of his family. He quickly, and rather cruelly, withdrew his offer. Only an idiot would be surprised that Greenlee reacted badly to his behavior.

Ryan’s brilliant plan for controlling Richie was to hire him as a file clerk. Only an idiot would think that was the way to deal with a brother-in-law who could be psychotic.

And thus Ryan answers his own award winning rhetorical question, “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

What else. What else.

“I don’t know how to lie or use metaphors.” I’m glad Lily has given up lying. Jonathan teaching Lily to lie was one of the reasons I couldn’t stomach their relationship.

“That’s an abbreviation for Richard. Others are Rick and Rickie.” Lily overlooked one obvious nickname. While many soap characters can be labeled a “dick”, few of them are ever named “Dick.” (This brings to mind one of my favorite song lyrics: “A dicka dick. A dicka dick. A dicka dick. A dicka, dick.” I love Cole Porter. Not just because he wrote great lyrics but because he also was a radio soap fan.)

“We’re not tight like you and Ava.” If Jonathan had said that to Lily it would have been totally salacious. Richie saying it? Not so much.

Aidan and Kendall together had me waxing nostalgic for the good old days when he brought her flowers “the morning after.” Regrettably, Kendall had already left the hotel because Ryan had beckoned her (I am not waxing nostalgic for that storyline at all.)

“There could be consequences you don’t plan for.” A little foreshadowing perhaps? When did Josh develop a straightforward grasp on reality? Leaving Babe has done wonders for him.

“I do things people don’t like.” Don’t worry about that Richie; everyone in Pine Valley has done something people don’t like.

“You attacking Greenlee? That I believe. You forgiving her? Not so much.” The sad thing is that Greenlee believes Kendall. Sad because Greenlee should be much smarter than that.

“You promised that their life would be better than yours.” Zach, Spike and Ian’s lives are already better for having you as a father.

When Spotted Dick is bare-chested and wearing extremely low cut jeans all I can think about is Spotted Dick being bare-chested and wearing extremely low cut jeans.

The Glamorama must have been running a twofer on hair coloring. Going darker was Melissa Clair Egan’s idea and it looks good. It was nice having Annie explain why she dyed her hair. I don’t know why Krystal colored her hair unless it was to match the Hypocrisy House fireplace.

“I’m over Ryan.” I think the lady doth protest too much.

Krystal showed amazing restraint in not being swayed by Adam’s sweet talk. Adam’s talents as a cunning linguist would have had me back in his bed in an instant.

“No, it’s inhuman. Just like my burying Greg Madden alive was inhuman.” That’s not exactly what Tad said but it’s what I heard him say.

“You still owe me over a half million dollars and no sex is that good.” Had he been alive to hear that line, Trevor would have been bursting with pride. At the same time he would have been appalled that his little “Amandabell” is having sex.

“I won’t let you down.” Have no fear, Greenlee. Spotted Dick, Finder of Lost Embryos, is on the case.

“You lied to me. Still, your lie wasn’t as bad as the time I lied to JR about his son being dead. At least you had the decency to lie to my face; I lied to JR in a note.” On the bright side, at least new vapid Babe didn’t say that with a smug expression on her face. This confirms my suspicions that old Babe’s smugness was an unfortunate acting choice.

“Maximum security prison was hell.” I don’t doubt you, Richie, but was it as bad as SONA? (Yes, I admit to watching Prison Break. I watch it for the acting and not the male pulchritude. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.)

Tad locking Krystal in the closet wasn’t as distasteful as JR peeing on Josh’s shoes but it was as immature. Tad would be a lot more interesting if they’d stop writing him as an adolescent.

“You’re a dream, Babe.” I don’t care what the prison psychiatrist thinks, Richie is certifiable.

“Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. You are so damned predictable.” Just because Richie is somewhat disturbed doesn’t mean he can’t make sense from time to time.

“Greenlee’s going to lose her dreams. That doesn’t mean we have to enjoy it.” True enough, Zach, we don’t have to enjoy but I suspect many of us will.

One thing I enjoy about AMC is that we have never had to endure hearing what characters are thinking. Good actors don’t need voice-overs to convey what the characters are thinking. AMC using that sorry device was insulting to both David Canary and Bobbie Eakes.

After much effort, Aidan finally made it through Zach’s back door. (Insert your own tasteless yet funny remark here.)

“And Kendall if you think you conned me about Greenlee, you forgot who your mother is.” Just because Kane women lie to each other doesn’t mean they’re good at it.

Jack told Greenlee not to marry Ryan and she did. Jack told Greenlee not to follow through with her surrogacy plans and she did. Jack told Greenlee to go ahead with the embryo search so maybe she won’t do it. (I’m delusional, aren’t I?)

Hannah slept with Cambias-the- Elder and his son Alexander, aka Zach. Tad slept with Marion and her daughter Liza. If ever a couple was meant for each other, it’s Hannah and Tad.

“Your life has become about Greenlee.” Unfortunately so has a good portion of AMC.

JR reveling in Green’s future grief and despair was another heavy handed effort to vilify the character. What’s next? JR boiling kittens in oil? Referring to Erica as a grandmother? Heading over to Casa Chandler to disembowel the staff?

“Did you ever have a moment of what we grownups call responsibility?” Zach, you silly thing. Of course not, Zach, JR’s been too busy having moments of EVIL. On the other hand, Zach, is faking one’s own kidnapping better or worse than faking one’s own death?

“Fabulous as we all know I am…” One of the most fabulous things about Erica is that she doesn’t always take herself seriously.

“One of the reasons I’m here is because of what I did to Kendall.” I think that qualifies as a brief moment of responsibility, don’t you? I miss JR and Kendall’s friendship. I liked the notion of them continuing the Kane/Chandler alliance And Lil’A and Miranda continuing it after them.

“She’s going after my kids. Ryan’s kids.” What are Annie and Zach? Chopped liver?

Kendall. Kendall. Kendall. Polishing a gun in front of your child is never a good idea. It’s even worse than polishing it behind your husband’s back.

“Did you get on the witness stand and lie?” Yes, Babe, Annie did just that. On the other hand is lying to get your brother the help you believe he needs better or worse than lying to get JR off the hook for attempted murder?

“Over here on this thing we call the Internet.” For that line alone, I absolve Richie of all crimes past, present and future.

“Adam, Adam -- I am being driven to really desperate measures. I have to do something really, really heinous, and you are the only person hateful enough I know to show me exactly how.” Another reason to love Erica. She appreciates men who are as devious as she is.

Will this week’s spoilers have us waxing nostalgic for the good old days or not? (I know that’s a rhetorical question but I had to ask.) Let’s see:

Where, oh where, have my little embryos gone? Oh, where, oh where can they be?

JR informs Greenlee she has 24 hours to turn over her Fusion stock or he’s setting the fertility freezer to” defrost”.

I gave Adam a pass for being so caught up in emotions that he didn’t realize JR’s kidnapping was a scam; it’s only fair that I also give Greenlee a pass for not realizing she’s being scammed. (Just because it’s fair doesn’t mean I like it.)

Aidan advises Greenlee to talk to Ryan before signing over her stock.

Spotted Dick is one crafty devil. He knows Greens would never pass up a chance to chat with Ryan. Especially if talking with him would pave the way for having RYAN’S BABY.

Greenlee tells JR she’s holding on to her stocks and that he can hold on to her embryos.

Talk about a disturbing visual.

One thing JR cannot hold on to is his plan for an All-Ava-All-the-Time website. JR didn’t get the Fusion shares for Zach so he doesn’t get the startup capital from Zach.

Perhaps this will give JR time to reflect on what a truly awful idea the Ava website was. It was even more ridiculous than www.incredibleidiots.com

JR may not have his website dreams to keep him company but he does have his old friend Jim Beam.

JR falls off the wagon again. How long before Babe rescues him? Unfortunately Babe’s idea of rescuing JR usually involves pointing exactly how EVIL he is.

Kendall suspects Erica is up to something.

That’s not too much of a stretch, isn’t Erica always up to something?

Erica wants Greenlee committed and implores Adam to help her.

Would this really be such a bad thing? Greenlee has needed intense psychiatric help ever since Leo died. And while she’s in the sanitarium the doctors can check out her dropped-on-her-head injury. And she can have tea with Janet. It’s all good.

Kendall steps up her plan to remove Greenlee from her life.

Any plan that involves a gun in a diaper bag cannot possibly have a good outcome.

Kendall asks Greenlee to look after Spike.

“Oh, and would you mind also hanging on to this diaper bag with a gun cleverly hidden inside?” “Not all Kendall. You asking me to look after your son and your diaper bag with a gun hidden cleverly inside must mean you like me. You really, really like me.”

Kendall calls the PVPD and tells them Greenlee has kidnapped Spike. Kendall then douses herself with Fusion’s latest fragrance, “Chloroform Green.”

I would love to see an Ava ad for that fragrance. A passed out Ava might even be a tolerable Ava.

Greenlee is arrested for a crime she didn’t commit. Aidan decides to prove that Kendall framed Greenlee.

Is framing someone for a crime they didn’t commit better or worse than letting them go unpunished for a crime they did commit? Wouldn’t you love to hear Kendall debate Babe on this topic?

Zach confesses to Kendall that his plan to get rid of Greenlee failed.

For the sake of marital harmony, I hope Kendall doesn’t point out that her plan was better than his plan.

Kendall takes a moment to reflect on what she has done. To help her reflect, Simone pays her a visit.

If we all put our hands together and clap really hard maybe Simone can deliver this year’s Christmas miracle instead of Father Clarence, Pine Valley’s Christmas Angel of Death. It’s likely this year’s miracle will be the revelation that Kathy is Kate. Who better to make that happen than Simone in all her sparkly glory?

Meanwhile, Ryan continues to do one dumb thing after another.

Determined to prove Richie is lying about being sick, Ryan handcuffs him.

Turns out Richie enjoys being handcuffed. Naughty boy that he is.

Ryan and Annie drag a handcuffed Richie on to a private plane.

I guess the pump house was booked.

Waiting on the plane is a doctor who tests Richie’s blood. The results show that Richie was telling the truth about having leukemia.

Ryan must be embarrassed. How embarrassed? His face turns as red as a clown nose.

While Ryan is sitting in the corner being all embarrassed, Richie breaks into the cockpit and holds a knife to the pilot’s throat.

Where did Richie get the knife? Was it strapped to his thigh?

Richie forces Ryan to make an emergency landing by pushing him out of the airplane without a parachute.

Yes, the last part is just my fantasy but you must admit it’s a pretty good one.

Ryan reflects on his actions and realizes forcing a disturbed brother-in-law to board a plane may have not been the best idea.

And if you believe this spoiler, I have some stock in JR’s website venture I’d like to sell you.

One other thing happens, too.

Lily asks Richie out on a date.

This disturbs me. I have the uneasy feeling that TPTB will make their relationship absolutely horrific in order to make us look back on Lily/Jonathan with fondness. If TPTB truly believe that will work, they are either as delusional as Greenlee or as nuts as Richie. Or both.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!