For the week of September 3rd

This column marks the beginning of my 8th year writing for Eye on Soaps.  I never imagined I would be doing this and yet, here I am. Once again I want to thank Katrina for inviting me to join EOS back when it was a fledgling venture. And thank you, my readers, for taking the time to read what I write; I appreciate that more you will ever know.

It would have been a nice anniversary gift if AMC had given me more to work with this week, but, alas, they did not. This week drifted along somewhere between ennui and entertainment. (Rather like many of my columns over the past 7 years.) However, it didn’t have me yelling at the TV like a banshee on steroids, either.  That is a definite improvement compared to this time last year or the year before or the year before that.  It’s still not clear where the new writers are taking AMC but right now no one is being raped and no one is switching babies and no one is buried alive in a box. More importantly, the Careys are not on every single damn day and did you think we would ever be able to say that?

This week wasn’t perfect but it did have some good moments.  Two of those moments featured the new and not so improved Greenlee. Color me shocked.

Aidan enjoys Greenlee but he doesn’t coddle her, either. More importantly, how can anyone be with him and think about Ryan at all. Aidan is charming, and sweet, and easy on the eyes. More than that, I doubt he would tell any woman that she doesn’t have a soul. Since the Heimlich maneuver is considered foreplay in PV this pair is clearly headed towards at least “friends with benefits” status. (If you don’t believe me about the Heimlich being a precursor to romance, just ask Tom and Brooke.  Oh wait, you can’t because they have been banished to the Martin attic.) Of course the relationship is doomed because of AMC’s insistence that Aidan always be just a pleasant pit stop until his partner decides to move on to something or someone else. Still there are worse ways to pass the time than with a piece of Spotted Dick.

For this brief moment, Dr. Hilliard will be called Dr. Hilliard and not Rasputin Dr. Hillard.  Why? “It can take some time to find a psychotherapist you connect with.”   He tried to dose Greenlee not with his “organic” vitamins but with something that might actually help her. Will Kempe, an alumnus of both OTL and Whit Stillman’s films, is doing a great job. He is portraying Hilliard as charming in a non-smarmy way.  Hilliard is clearly intelligent and rational, but is he a fake? Nothing in Kempe’s portrayal indicates Hilliard is running a con but nothing in the portrayal indicates he isn’t running one, either. Angela Lansbury once commented that it is difficult to play guilty without giving it away. Will Kempe may have that skill or Hillard may be innocent. Either way, he is interesting to watch.

What is not interesting to watch anymore is the way Ryan treats the women in his life. Once Ryan loves you it’s downhill from there. Ryan believes he is nothing like his father Patrick Curry because he doesn’t physically abuse women. (Except for that time when he shoved and almost hit a pregnant Greenlee but he felt bad about that so it doesn’t count.) It’s almost worse that Ryan verbally and emotionally abuses them. His type of abuse is more insidious. The result of his abuse isn’t about bruises and broken bones but about getting a woman to believe the worst about herself (see: Hart, Kendall).  Is Annie keeping her secret from Ryan because she feels guilty? Or is it because deep down she knows Ryan’s feelings can turn on a dime once the object of his affections is no longer perfect (subservient)? I suspect it’s a combination of the two.

What else. What else.

The woman who let Kendall hold her baby was nuts, I tell you, nuts. Would you hand your baby over to a woman who is obviously on the edge of something, be it a breakdown or a baby knapping?

“Listen to me you stupid little bitch.”  Oh, Mandy, who knew you could be so succinct in expressing your emotions?

“Brooke wants to put him on the cover of TEMPO next month.”  Who is this Brooke person Jamie was talking about?

“Have you ever had a sea snake up your shorts?”  Aidan, is that anything like having a Spotted Dick up my shorts? ‘Cause I could be down with that.

“This doesn’t look like family kissing.”  Well, Lily it depends on how you define family.  If you define family as a sister-in-law kissing her brother-in-law then it definitely looks like family kissing (see: Kane, Erica).

“The last thing Spike needs is a circus in his life unless the doctors say it’s OK for him to wear a clown nose.”  True, that isn’t what Ryan said but it’s what I heard in my head.

“You know the best thing about David Hayward? His face down on a curb.” No, Aidan, the best thing about the evil but sexy David Hayward is how he makes me pancakes the morning after. Yes, that’s only in my dreams but it’s still, umm, satisfying.  Did it peeve anyone else that Greenlee didn’t stick up for David?

Ava increasing Fusion sales only makes sense on the planet Crack.

“Should we take this (see: Ava above)as a comment on American pop culture?”  I think it’s worse than that, Annie, it’s further evidence of the decline of Western civilization.

“One day we will all be working for Ian.”  Once he got Babe out his system Josh turned positively human. Now he if can only keep from being Martinized…

“Firm and constant. I got it.”  Zach, I have never doubted for a minute that you had “firm and constant” down pat. Never.

Greenlee’s truly bizarre behavior at dinner was further evidence that she needs a therapist. A few psychotropic drugs probably wouldn’t hurt, either.

“Regression is pretty common.”  Especially in Pine Valley, Josh, especially in Pine Valley.

It was great seeing Ruth and Opal. Opal practically apologizing  (“I hope it’s all water under the bridge.”) to Krystal wasn’t great at all.

Does the décor in Hypocrisy House make anyone else want to poke their eyes out?

Annie’s vision about Ryan’s death raises one question. How can you tell the difference between Ryan alive and Ryan dead? Certainly not by looking at his eyes.

“I haven’t always been here for you, honey, but I’m here now.”  Call me sentimental but that Erica/Kendall scene was a quicktears moment for me.

“You have been our savior.”  That moment was a quick gag moment for me.

Poor Colby. Of course she was upset at hearing about Tad and her mother. Let’s hope she’s a bit older before she finds out that when Tad was in high school he was having sex with her mother and her grandmother?  Thankfully it was not in the same bed at the same time.

“I’m visualizing the injury through your aura.” Quack or legit, at least Dr. Hilliard has a sense of humor.

“I also worked in a few carnivals.” And if you think it was easy for Ryan to find a job where he could wear his clown nose…

Zach making pancakes had me wishing for a David/Zach pancake cook-off. For safety’s sake they would have to wear aprons. Only aprons.

I love how Erica never fails to mention Babe when talking about how difficult it was for Bianca when she believed Miranda was dead.

“When did I lose you, Erica? When I said, and I am paraphrasing here, NO WAY IN HELL?”  Yep, Jack, that was the moment.

“This is only enabling her.”  And this from Ryan, the person enabled by the entire population of Pine Valley. One reason I miss David is because he never worshipped Ryan.

“You really are a James Bond type.” Just call him Dick. Spotted Dick.

“Sometimes I wish Ava had more of your common sense and virginity.”  OK, maybe that’s not exactly what Jonathan said to Lily but it’s what I heard in my head. 

Will this week’s spoilers have us needing psychotherapy or not? Let’s see.

Things get a bit tense at Wildwind East.

Zach is distressed when he discovers Kendall has secretly been giving Rasputin’s Dr. Hiliard’s “organic, all natural” vitamins to Spike.

Zach eventually you will accept the fact that Kane women lie. Repeatedly.  At least they don’t lie all the time, just when they believe they are right and everyone else is wrong.

Zach insists that Kendall tell Ryan about Rasputin Dr. Hiliard treating Spike.

That should go well. Will Ryan tell Kendall she doesn’t have a soul or that she doesn’t have a brain? Probably both.  Kendall’s behavior shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows her. Kendall has a history of believing any doctor who tells her what she wants to hear (see: Madden, Greg).

Zach and Kendall make love.

That’s one way to ease the tension.

Annie tells Zach that she is keeping a secret about her past from Ryan. Zach advises Annie to tell Ryan her secret.

I like this friendship, I really do. Should we give them one of those blended names? We could call them “Zannie” or “Aach.”

Annie is angry when she discovers Ryan investigating her family.

OK, who doesn’t Google their in-laws?

Annie tells Ryan the truth about her past. She has a brother. A brother she sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Why did she do that? It was the only way to get her brother the psychiatric help he needed.

Is there a way to send Greenlee to prison for a crime whether she committed it or not? That might be the only way to get her the psychiatric help she needs.

Annie has one more secret to tell Ryan. Annie feels responsible for her mother’s suicide.

With all the guilt she is carrying around I am surprised Annie has enough energy to get out of bed in the morning.

Ryan reassures his wife that he will always love her.

Annie should probably talk to Kendall and Greenlee before accepting Ryan’s declaration as fact.

Other stuff happens, too.

Tad and Krystal discuss the birthday kiss. They decide to keep their relationship platonic.

That’s a good thing since Tad’s life will be complicated enough once he discovers that Kathy is really Kate.

Aidan and Greenlee have sex. Later they decide to keep their relationship platonic. This decision disappoints Greenlee.

I’ll have to start checking my email for my e-vite to Greenlee’s “Spotted Dick doesn’t want to have sex with me ever again” pity party.

Adam pretends to be Stuart in order to tell Krystal that Adam regrets being responsible for the time Krystal and Jenny “lost each other.”

That sentence only makes sense in Pine Valley.

A garage band moves next door to Hypocrisy House.

More new characters. Oh goody.  I would be interested if the band included Petey Cortlandt and Reggie, but since it doesn’t …

Erica recognizes Rasputin Dr. Hiliard from her days in drug rehab. She threatens, as only Erica can, to expose him as a fraud.

I hope he was a fellow patient because it’s hard to believe the Betty Ford Center would hire a quack.

The paparazzi catch Ava and Jonathan having sex.

Doesn’t this scene just cry out for Donald Steele? “The Face of Fusion Has Sex With Serial Killer!”

JR decides to cash in on Ava’s fifteen minutes by building a website around her.

C’mon, JR, does the world really need another porn website?

Oh those AMC actors.

Cameron Mathison will be a contestant on the upcoming Dancing with the Stars season. Cameron is a nice, ambitious and charming guy. I hope he does well.

Let’s imagine it’s Ryan and not Cameron on DWTS.  I suspect Ryan’s freestyle dance music would be “I AM NOT THAT MONSTER MASH.” 

You may have noticed that Vincent Irizarry/David has been replaced by Matthew Cowles/Billy Clyde Tuggle on this column’s front page. Why was the picture changed? It was time since Vincent is now on Y&R. Why did I choose Billy Clyde Tuggle? Billy Clyde is an iconic AMC character. In addition, today is my 19th wedding anniversary. A picture of Billy Clyde Tuggle is the perfect anniversary gift for my husband (and he knows why).

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

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