For the week of August 6th

                             “Nobody likes me

                                       Everybody hates me

                                      “I’m gonna eat some worms”

                                                                   Greenlee Smythe 

At any moment this week I expected Greens to sing this childhood ditty, followed by stomping her feet and threatening to hold her breath until she turned blue. I can accept that Greenlee realizes she made a mistake when she kidnapped Spike. I can accept that Greenlee realizes she made a huge  and ridiculous mistake in reaching around the car’s floor trying to find her cell phone while driving on a dark road with a kidnapped, crying baby in the backseat.

What I cannot accept is Greenlee throwing herself a pity party and being disappointed that no one chose to attend. Greenlee’s actions caused the SpikeIan tragedy which means she is not the victim, either figuratively or literally. Not only does Greenlee expect someone to take her side, she expects someone, like her father, to take her side totally on her terms. Greenlee was so deep into self pity she could not see that Jackson was not choosing between her and Erica, he was trying to help her choose between leading an unhappy life in PV or choosing to have a fresh start somewhere else. In typical defensive fashion Greens brought up all the ways Jackson has failed her in the past, including not supporting her decision to marry Ryan. What Greens refused and still refuses to see was that Jack was trying to stop her from making a mistake. He had valid reasons for not wanting that marriage:

1.     Ryan

2.     Ryan was still actively in love with Kendall.

3.     Greenlee was still actively, though quietly, having an emotional breakdown caused by Leo’s death.

And the final reason:

4.     Ryan

Greenlee doesn’t understand that parents often make decisions that cause pain in the near term but prevent far greater future pain. (See: Adam Chandler and the returning of Miranda to Bianca.)

Greenlee also does not comprehend why she isn’t getting points for saving Spike. She put Spike’s life in danger; the least she could do is try to rescue him. Besides that, who in Pine Valley would not try to save a baby in danger?  Adam would do it. The sexy but evil David Hayward would do it. Leo would have done it. Erica would do it. JR would do it. Hell, even Janet from another Planet would do it.

As long as I mentioned Erica, she brought me to tears again this week. I think that’s some kind of record. Anyone who thinks Susan Lucci cannot act, and there are legions of them, should watch Monday’s episode. And then watch it again. I doubt I will ever think she is a great actress but she does have the ability to bring the human out in the diva. That is no small feat.

On Monday Erica had me crying tears of sadness. Later in the week she had me crying tears of frustration. Erica being civil to Babe is hard to watch. I do appreciate that Erica never said she trusted Babe. Of course Babe’s ego has her believing that Erica has finally seen the light. What got me through those scenes was imagining a little voice in Erica’s head repeating repeatedly, “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

The notion that Erica will never be referred to as grandmother is fun now that the writers are running with it.  I smiled when Kendall was listing Ian’s family members and said “and then there’s my mom, Erica.”  However this could cause problems down the line for Ian, Miranda and Spike. Picture Spike getting an award for Best Goalie in the Pee Wee Hockey League.  Picture a classmate asking Spike why Erica Kane is in the audience. Spike replies, “She’s my mother’s mother.” Classmate has a logical response, “You mean she’s your grandmother. “No, she’s my mother’s mother.” “That’s what I said, she’s your grandmother.”  Fisticuffs ensue. Spike wins.

I’m not sure if Spike will win every fight with Ian, but I am sure they will be raised as brothers, not half-brothers. I love Adam but we part ways on what constitutes family. Technically my brother was my half-brother but that didn’t mean I loved him less nor does it mean I only mourn his death half as much as I would have if we been “full” siblings. What Adam said to Zach this week didn’t make total sense because Adam loves Scott, who is in no way a blood Chandler. Adam is still reeling from the Jarlotte lie. It doesn’t help to have Tad rubbing Adam’s face in that betrayal all the time. What will Tad do next to humiliate Adam? Hold him down and brand “CUCKOLD” on Adam’s forehead?

What else. What else.

“Maybe on the Planet Crack.” Oh, Colby I loved that line. I hope you don’t mind if I steal it from time to time.

Zach in scrubs was good thing. How else would we have seen his forearms of lust?

“Your crime was stealing Kendall’s baby.” Anyone else wish thunder would roll and lightening would strike Babe each and every time Babe says something hypocritical? Thought so.

Emma trying to cheer up both Zach and Ryan was sweet.

“We trusted the Greenlee we used to know.” Maybe I’m crazy but I recall Ryan browbeating Kendall into trusting the new and not improved Greenlee.

At first glance when Annie and Zach were standing at Ian’s crib I wondered why Zach was allowing Greens anywhere near his son.

“You insisted that Kendall go to the hospital instead of ripping her baby out of her womb and stealing another of my daughters’ children.”  OK, that isn’t exactly what Erica said but it’s what I heard in my head.

“He’ll teach you how to argue without once raising his voice.” Spike is lucky he has Zach to teach him that skill because Ryan cannot even say “Hello” without shouting.

“No matter how Kendall hurt me, I could never hurt her back.” Perhaps Greens and Babe should teach a class at PVU. They could call it “Revising History to Make You Look Good.”

I confess that when Annie first started telling her fairytale, “Invincible Ian’s Indomitable Itch” I wanted to stab my ears with a unicorn’s horn. A horn from a painted unicorn music box that plays “Memories.”  That’s how much I did not want to hear Annie tell her tale. Well, I was wrong. It was Annie’s way of both distracting Zach and helping him see a future for Ian. Maybe Annie should teach a seminar at PVU. A seminar called, “Helping People Through A Difficult Time Without Making It About You”.  That begs the question, would anyone in PV attend?

“And my other son Spike.” Zach is the most perfect stepfather. Ever.

“I think that you’re twisting my words.” Jack suddenly realizes that Greenlee is just like Erica.

The further away Josh gets from Babe the more I like him. If Babe moved away I might even be able to love him. (If I could forget the whole abortion debacle.)

“Amanda and Di, why don’t you run down to the Serving Spoon and get lunch?” Erica mentioned the Serving Spoon!  Remember when Anne was blown up in its parking lot?

“I like to think that I still matter.”  Greenlee of course you still matter. Maybe only to you but you can’t have everything now can you?

“All I heard was a lot of self-worship.” Greenlee is really minor league compared to Babe. The only person who worships Greenlee is Greenlee; Babe has almost an entire town worshipping her.

Last week Adam in jeans! This week Jack in jeans! Does the sexy ever stop? (Walt Willey lives just north of me. Do you know how much restraint it takes not to stalk him?)

“He’s cynical not pessimistic. Very different.” Parsing words never sounded so good.

“If you keep your ears open you’ll hear my name.” And the anvil of foreshadowing falls on our heads.

“All that fear in your eyes, just let it go.”  Don’t listen to him Ava. It’s perfectly natural to have fear in your eyes when your stalker has a history of abusing women. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that Jonathan has murdered four people. Or was it five? All I know is it was a lot.

Will this week’s spoilers have us throwing a pity party or not? Let’s see. 

The sadness continues at PVH.

Kendall gets a call from Bianca. Bianca advises her sister to spend more time with Ian.

That’s good advice but as usual Binks expects more of her family than she does of herself. Last time Binks was in town she spent more time with Zoe than with Miranda or Erica or Jack or Kendall or Lily or Spike or Myrtle or Sean, who spent the first 16 years of his life living in the same house as Binks. (Yes, I know the situations are not quite the same but when Bianca delivers her sermons from on high, I feel the need to smack her down a peg or two.)

Zach notices Spike’s non-reaction to Kendall and Greenlee’s argument.

How like Zach to keep his eyes on Spike while not letting Kendall out of his sight. Mr. Slater is quite the multi-tasker.

Joe confirms that Spike is deaf. Joe says the deafness may only be temporary.

Given all the lies Joe has told in the past few years, I’d get a second opinion.

Annie explains the different types of deafness to an astonished Joe and a thunderstruck Ryan.

I can understand Joe being astonished but Ryan? Hasn’t he ever asked Annie about herself? Silly me, we’re talking about Ryan, the Center of All Things.

Kendall has a difficult time accepting the news about Spike.

This situation is extreme even for Pine Valley’s Job.

Zach buys PVH the equipment necessary to diagnose and treat Spike.

If I were a betting woman I’d bet on Zach winning the Pine Valley Stepfather of the Year award. 

Ryan and Zach blame each other for Spike’s deafness.

Zach could make several points here. One, the way Ryan has treated Greenlee since her return. Two, Ryan has been yelling at Spike since the day he was born. What points could Ryan make? Let me rephrase, what valid points could Ryan make?

Kendall tells Greenlee that she will never forgive her. She also tells her stepsister to stay away from her family. Greenlee then chastises Kendall for not RSVP-ing  to her self-pity party.

Yes, I made up the last part.

Greenlee anonymously arranges for a practitioner of alternative medicine to contact Kendall about Spike.

Let’s just hope his name isn’t Rasputin.

Zach tells Ryan that he will take care of Greenlee.

Greenlee should look on the bright side; at least it’s not Tad saying he will “take care” of her.  Even Fusion products couldn’t keep Greenlee looking fresh while buried in a box.

Pine Valley Five-0 continues its drug bust.

Ava is starting to get what she wants from Lenny. Unfortunately JR and Amanda decide to take a stroll on the beach.

Does Sean show up doing his community service? Doesn’t anyone at the PVPD watch “24”?  I guess not or setting up a perimeter would have been the first thing the cops did.

Lenny realizes that Ava has set him up.  He grabs her and holds a gun to her head. Lenny tells everyone to back off or he will kill Ava.

Damn Lenny, doesn’t he know Ava is the Face of Fusion? If she dies the company is ruined, I tell you, ruined!

Jack rips JR a new one for interrupting the sting operation.

Of course he does, because it’s clearly JR’s fault that the PVPD doesn’t about setting up perimeters.

Lenny drags Ava off to a beach shack.

I wonder if it’s the same beach shack where Josh and Danielle had their tryst. (It still creeps me out a bit that Josh crashed a party full of kids at least 10 years younger.)

Trying to save the situation JR sneaks off to the beach shack to rescue Ava.

JR is EVIL, I say, EVIL.

Things don’t go JR’s way when Lenny catches him and holds him hostage, too.

When, in recent memory, have things gone JR’s way?

Out of harm’s way Adam, Babe and Amanda worry about JR. Jonathan blames everything on JR.

Now Jonathan, be kind. Maybe JR just has some “bad” in his brain that needs to be cut out.

JR and Ava manage to get the jump on Lenny. They survive unscathed. The police arrest Lenny.

“Book him, Derek!”

Other stuff happens, too.

Adam pretends to be Stuart in order to visit Krystal. While visiting he holds Jenny.

If I didn’t enjoy the Chandler brothers trading identities I would really hate this spoiler.

Tad and Krystal move into Hypocrisy House which is located in the cheatin’ part of town on the corner of Adulterers Avenue and Smug Drive.

I hope there’s enough storage space for Krystal’s stash of Whoop Ass.

Erica tells Jack their marriage is through unless he severs all ties with his daughter.

So much for not letting their children come between them.

JR is touched by Babe’s concern.

Step away from the Babe, JR. Step away from the Babe. Take at look at Josh. See how much better his life has become since conquering his Babe-addiction. You can do it, too, JR.

Oh, those AMC actors.

Justin Bruening’s and Jamie’s last day in the Valley is August 24th. No word on how Jamie will leave the Valley but I’m thinking he heads off to Stanford Medical School. (Yes, I know it’s difficult to imagine Jamie at Stanford but it’s where all Medical Martins go to school.)

Kellie Giddish and Di will be leaving the Valley in the next few weeks. Word is Di will be moving out of town.

Stacy Haiduk and Hannah return to PV in September. I like Hannah but that may change if she is pregnant with Zach’s baby. Maybe Hannah and Greens will become BFF. They can sit around drinking and being bitter together.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

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