For the week of July 23rd

(I am still a bit under the weather thus this week’s column is short and definitely not sweet.) 

                             “Revisionist idiocy” 

                                             Adam Chandler 

Adam was responding to JR’s waxing poetic over the Chandlers involvement with the SC2, but to me those words summed up some of AMC’s problems perfectly. 

Changing the reasoning for, as well as the outcome of, Erica’s abortion? Revisionist idiocy. 

Bianca viewing the Mirabess Mess as the time she and Miranda “lost” each other? Revisionist idiocy. 

Julia, Edmond’s sister-in-law, inviting Jonathan to live at Wildwind?  That’s both revisionist idiocy and just plain idiotic. 

Greenlee remembering Ryan, not Leo, as the love of her life? Revisionist idiocy. 

All of Ryan’s family having the last name Lavery? Revisionist idiocy.  (Ok, maybe that was simply carelessness on the part of TPTB but it still rankles.) 

Babe and Krystal as salt-of-the-earth women and the only ones in the Valley who know the meaning of love? Revisionist idiocy. 

Erica and Jeff’s marriage overflowing with passion? Revisionist idiocy. 

Krystal as the only victim in her marriage to Adam? Revisionist history. 

My list could go on and on; I bet yours could, too. 

What else. What else. 

“JR was my husband.” Wasn’t it cute how Babe said that as if it actually ever meant anything to her? 

“Guess you just have to be born that way.” Well, Krystal, if I had to choose being born with a personality likes yours or with one like Erica’s, I’d choose Erica’s without hesitation.  (Of course if I had the choice of any personality in Pine Valley, I’d choose Myrtle’s.) 

“Fusion is not a democracy.” That’s the most realistic thing Greenlee has said since her return. Maybe because I once said this to the people I managed, “This department is not a democracy; it’s a benevolent dictatorship.”  

“I’m moving Colby out.” Isn’t Colby a minor? Why do Colby and Krystal, who is not a legal relative, get to decide where Colby lives? If she doesn’t want to live with her father, Colby should move in with Myrtle. Myrtle’s influence would serve Colby much better than Krystal’s. 

“Another body for your clown car.”  Someone call HAZMAT; the clown virus is now spreading all over the Valley. 

Doesn’t Amanda now work for Fusion? Why didn’t she go to NYC? 

“When a parent betrays a child that’s the kind of pain that never leaves you.” Of course Tad wasn’t referring to himself but to Ray Gardner and Adam. Tad being complicit in letting JR believe his son was dead didn’t hurt JR at all. 

“You have been brainwashed by the Cult of Carey.”   I prefer to think of JR as being brainwashed by the Sociopathic Cult of 2 (SC2), but Adam’s calling the Careys a cult is a good start. 

“I hope I’m not interrupting some Chandler family reunion.” Was Tad’s comment supposed to be cute or was it intended to make him look like a childish arrogant ass?  If it was the latter, job well done! 

“Is this where the jackass brays that he’s won?” Even when things are not going his way, Adam can be a much more cunning linguist than Tad.  

“I barely liked the old one and he was rich.” I’m still enjoying Amanda and JR even though eventually it will cause Amanda pain while not increasing her bank account one farthing.  

When Amanda, JR and Jamie were kids I looked forward to the day when the adult JR and Jamie fought over Amanda’s affections. Instead I got JR and Jamie fighting over Babe’s affections, which never made any sense to me at all. 

Spike yawning while Greenlee talked made me smile because I, too, yawn when she speaks. 

Colby showing compassion for Ava proved she is much more mature than the grownups she hangs with. 

Zach and Ryan running through the NYC streets was so butch, so macho but would have been so much sexier had they unbuttoned their shirts. (When I first typed that, it read “had they unbuttoned their shorts”. That would have worked for me, too.) 

If Fusion cosmetics are so great, why was Greenlee using Clinique blush? (I’m a Clinique girl and that was their green compact.) 

I want to know who decided to play the “deflowering the virgin music” while Jon and Lily, oops, I mean Ava had sex. I want to know so I can slap him.  

“What on earth is that woman doing holding Spike?” I like how Erica looks out for her daughters’ best interests even when they don’t. 

That said, it was the perfect opportunity for Greenlee to refer to Erica as Spike’s grandmother, wasn’t it? 

In case you missed the subtle hints, Fusion is in trouble. Perhaps instead of trying to force bonding between Greens and everyone else Kendall’s time would be better spent hiring a business manager and a lawyer for Fusion. Bring back Wilhelmina Lacey as the business manager and Kenny as the lawyer.  

“I hope you brought a flask.” That’s what I like about Di, more often than not she has her priorities straight. 

“I thank God I confessed.” I remember that, don’t you? The morning Krystal woke and announced, “That’s enough of this lying. I have to tell the truth about this baby. Adam and Tad and this child deserve to know the truth.” Damn, I wish I had Krystal’s gift for re-writing personal history. No really, I do, life would be much easier.  

Lily touching Ava was, well, touching. A quicktears moment there. 

Lily mentioned Reggie. Colby mentioned Liza. I’m hoping their remarks are foreshadowing Liza’s and Reggie’s returns.  

“But I’m going to do it just like you did, on my own.”  I don’t know which I enjoyed more, JR striking out on his own or JR acknowledging that Adam is a truly self-made rich guy. 

I’m sad Derek and Krystal broke up, now we probably won’t see Derek again for months. 

“Do you not hear yourself?” And this why, despite her flaws, I never hate or even loathe Erica.  

Kendall and Babe’s love fest made me gag. Next I expect Kendall to be asking, no, begging Babe to be both Baby Slater’s godmother and wet nurse. 

“So you guys want to stand here and judge me?” When Ava said that to Tad and Krystal my tolerating Ava morphed into me adoring Ava. 

Will we adore this week’s spoilers or will we go hoarse from shouting “Revisionist Idiocy” at the screen? Let’s see: 

Greenlee heads off on another road trip with Spike as her backseat driver. 

A delusional Greenlee is happy as she and Spike drive along away from the Valley. 

Will her family now realize that Greenlee has been unraveling since Leo died? (I know that’s when my unraveling began.) 

Greenlee snaps out of her reverie when Spike calls for his mother.

Well, even if that hadn’t that made her face reality, changing Spike’s diaper probably would have done the trick, too. 

While calling Kendall to tell her that she is heading home with Spike, Greens looses control of the car and goes over a cliff. The nosedive happens before Greenlee completes the call. 

Well, that’s what she gets for using her cellphone while driving. I wonder if AMC will run a PSA at the end of the episode: “Multi-tasking is a good thing but you should be careful not to take it too far. Never use your cell phone while driving and kidnapping.” 

Greenlee’s lung is punctured but that doesn’t stop her from trying to find a missing Spike.  She does manage to get a call through to Ryan before she collapses. 

But will Ryan stop yelling long enough to hear what she has to say? 

Aidan pinpoints Greenlee’s location by tracing her call.. 

All together now: Here he comes to save the day! Spotted Dick is on the way! 

Ryan looks on helplessly as the paramedics try to revive an unconscious Spike. 

This is a sad, sad situation.  That’s why I did not write “ Ryan feels impotent as the paramedics…” because that would have been insensitive. 

Greenlee tap dances around Derek’s questions about why she and Spike were headed away from the Valley. 

And if you think it’s easy to tap dance with a punctured lung…

Meanwhile back at PVH: 

Ryan confirms Jack’s deepest fears- that Greenlee was kidnapping Spike. 

For the first time Jack is happy that Greenlee’s last name is Smythe DuPres Lavery and not Montgomery. 

Jack advises his daughter to beat the kidnapping rap by leaving town.

This seems unJack like, yet he did help Trevor leave town so Janet wouldn’t face (yet another) murder charge. And we shouldn’t forget that he helped Laurel dodge murder charges by helping her dispose of  Denny’s body. Won’t it be fun when Ava  stumbles across this little tidbit? 

Greenlee decides to stay and face the consequences of her actions. 

If only Greens was a Carey she could use the “I did it out of love, pure love” defense.   

Erica, in her best Erica fashion, rips Greenlee up one side and down the other for stealing her daughter Kendall’s baby. 

Look on the bright side, Erica, at least Greens didn’t refer to you as Spike’s grandmother. 

Jack gets in between Erica and Greenlee. 

And Jack was never seen again. 

Ryan tells Greenlee to stay away from his family. 

Ryan’s timing is pitiful, isn’t it?  If he had only seen past his own hubris a month ago, this tragedy could have been avoided.  

Joe tells the Slaters that since Kendall’s contractions have stopped and her water hasn’t broken, Baby Slater is safe. Joe informs the Slaters they are having a son. 

A son? Well, that puts Zach one step closer to having his own hockey team. 

Zach tells Kendall the Spike news. Kendall gets upset. How upset? So upset her water breaks. 

Of course it does because on soaps being upset can make your water break or cause you to have a miscarriage or any number of unrealistic medical emergencies. 

As Kendall is being rushed into surgery, she sees Spike is also headed there.. 

I confess that this is one of the reasons I love soaps. Human drama taken over the top but heartbreaking nonetheless. 

Premature Baby Slater is born. Zach tries not to show how scared he is about his son and his wife and his stepson. 

Somehow I see Zach begging the Universe not to punish Kendall or her sons for his misdeeds. And somehow I can see myself crying. 

Erica wants the baby christened immediately in case the worst happens. Zach loses his temper because he doesn’t want anyone talking about a worst case scenario. 

Erica’s desire for a christening might have more impact if we ever saw Erica in a church. And no, her weddings don’t count. 

Erica admits she was wrong about Zach being wrong for Kendall. 

Well, missy, it’s about damned time. 

Greenlee picks an unfortunate time to visit Spike. Why?  Because Zach and Kendall find her hovering over his crib. 

That’s another thing Greenlee has in common with Ryan, besides believing he walks on water, they both have a lousy sense of timing. 

Kendall has to be sedated for her own good. 

And for Greenlee’s good, too, I imagine. 

Other stuff happens, too. 

Babe gets Ava to help her save Fusion. 

Fusion is doomed, I tell you, doomed.  

Krystal tries to hide her feelings for Adam by being angry at him.

Please, please, let Krystal avoid threatening him with a can of WhoopAss. 

Adam saves Ava from drowning. 

That S.O.B. He’s EVIL, I tell you, EVIL! 

JR feels stirrings of jealousy when he sees how close Amanda is to Jonathan. 

Amanda, dear, it’s best you avoid deserted construction sites for the next few weeks, OK?

Oh those AMC actors: 

Enjoy Di while you can because Kelli Giddish is leaving AMC. 

I will miss Di and Kelli. I look forward to seeing Ms. Giddish’s next acting adventure. 

Justin Bruening( Jamie) is leaving AMC next month. 

I wonder what Micah Alberti is up to these days. 

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2007

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