For the Week of October 8th

(Last week I stated that Sturgis is in North Dakota. I was wrong. Sturgis is in South Dakota. My apologies to the residents of Sturgis. Many thanks to Kay for politely pointing out my mistake.) 

For a brief moment Ryan thought Annie was a con. Annie believes that Wes is a con (in addition to being an ex-con).  We all know Ryan was, and occasionally still is, a con.  Yet the biggest cons might be TPTB at AMC: “New writers! New writers! We have new writers. If you give us just five hours a week viewing time you will be rewarded a thousand times over for your contribution.”   Granted there have been some positive changes. The Careys are not on every day. Josh’s redemption is unfolding slowly. We are seeing more of Aidan both with shirt and without.  And, ummm, did I mention the Careys are not every day?  Yet these changes are not enough to override my cynicism.

Brown and Esensten promised to return AMC to its roots.  Someone, hopefully Agnes Nixon, should inform them that AMC’s roots started growing way before all those damn Careys and Laverys came to town. (If Ms. Nixon is unavailable, I happily volunteer for the job.)

If the writers were truly interested in AMC’s roots why did they pass on the obvious chance to incorporate AMC’s core families into a current story line? How difficult would it have been to have Petey Cortlandt and Reggie in the garage band? (Yes, I have suggested this before but it’s such a damn good suggestion it bears repeating.) I can picture Jack trying to tolerate the situation and Palmer not tolerating it at all. We’d also have the delight of seeing Opal choosing outfits to match the band’s music. Lily would wear her sunglasses and ear plugs so she could attend her brother’s performances.  Ava would decide to start today’s version of the Plaster Casters (OK, maybe that’s a bad idea). This would not prevent the introduction of new characters.  New characters with true attachments to existing characters always stand a better chance of succeeding. All I know about this band is that one of them is named Dre and the others are not named Dre.  Dre has a secret and we don’t know if the others who are not named Dre know about Dre’s secret. We also don’t know if the band members not named Dre care less about his secret than I do. Highly unlikely.

One of AMC’s core elements has always been strong women. Annie is having a breakdown. Hannah recently had one. Greenlee’s been having one for years.  It’s not that having emotional or psychological problems makes one a weak person but having three female characters reacting to stress and/or disappointment in virtually the same way is not the right path to restoring AMC to its original design. It’s also boringly redundant.

Awkward segue.

Richie does seem charming, doesn’t he? Annie seems like an hysterical lying woman, doesn’t she?  Are these two repeating their childhood pattern of Richie fooling everyone into believing he is the victim of Annie’s lies? Richie may be a sociopath but we only have Annie’s word for that. For all we know Richie’s frog gigging was a onetime occurrence. Maybe Richie had a craving for frogs’ legs. In some parts of the country frog gigging is not considered odd at all (

  It’s even possible that Annie and Richie are right about each other. In last week’s column I suggested that Annie may have a treatable psychosis and Riche may well be a sociopath. Or they both could have a treatable psychosis.  Each of their views could be valid to varying degrees. I really want this to be the case. Why?   It would be an ambiguous situation. Neither would be right and neither would be wrong. Both characters could be drawn in shades of grey, not black and white. Ryan can only deal with situations defined in black and white. Dealing with shades of grey could make Ryan’s head explode. And I don’t see anything wrong with that, do you?

What else? What else?

“I have some plans this afternoon.” Babe leaves early. Greenlee arrives late. Kendall shows up whenever she can make the time. With Simone dead and Di in NYC, who is running Fusion?  Most likely it’s Amanda and if so, that girl deserves a raise.

Why didn’t Julia have Rachel take charge of Emma instead of Babe? I know it’s a silly question but I had to ask.

It was sweet when Jonathan told Ava he loved her and wanted to take care of her. Well, it would have been sweet had Jonathan not said the same things to Maggie right after he hit her.

“Is it about sex? 69% percent of your problems with Ava are about sex.” Thanks a lot Lily. I never wanted to think about Jonathan and Ava and 69 all at the same time.

“Why can’t you be just like a normal person?”  Greenlee lives in PV that’s why.

“CBGBs.”  Just when you think you know everything about Adam he answers the phone.

“There are times when sobriety is highly overrated.”  One of those times? While watching AMC.

“Ryan’s deviled eggs.”  Funny line. It would have been funnier if it hadn’t brought to mind all those endless Kendall/Greenlee conversations about Ryan’s ejaculate. (Needless to say, Ryan didn’t need porn while trying to fill that little cup, all he needed was a picture of himself.)

Pine Valley is really a special place, isn’t it? Other towns have rest stops but PV has rest cabins.  Who keeps those cabins well stocked and looking spiffy? Perhaps it’s the same person who used to make sure the candles in Wildwind’s mausoleum were always lit.

“Cheat? No, that was me. It was my cheating and lying about Jenny’s paternity that made my relationship with Adam the toxic mess it is today.”  OK, so that’s not exactly what Krystal said to Hannah but it’s what I heard in my head.

“As long as he doesn’t have the Kane mouth.”  Can’t really argue with Zach about that.

“They looked like they’re posed.” That was funny considering that in Pine Valley everyone’s mantel is filled with head shots.

“I want to back….back before it all went crazy wrong.” I agree, Greenlee, if only we could go back to before Leo died. Yes, I know that isn’t what Greenlee meant but it is what I wanted her to mean.

Josh holding Spike up so he could see Ian was a beautiful thing.

“Zach rejected me.” Oh, Hannah. I hear you. Zach rejects me all the time, too. Damn that Kendall.

“If anyone deserves someone like Wes, it’s Babe.”  If  Richie turns out to be a lying murdering sociopath then Krystal’s absolutely right.

“Is it just me or how do I say this? Doesn’t anyone find it odd or just a little pervy that Jonathan wants to marry a girl who looks exactly like her sister and oh by the way, he’s already been married to?”  It is hard not to like Greenlee when she says things like this. (Yes, I know Linc married both Kitty and Kelly but that wasn’t odd or pervy in the least and not just because no one was using the word “pervy” back then.)

“How do I make the call for someone else’s child?”  Thus Babe secures her position as Pine Valley’s Princess of Clueless Irony.  (Krystal is already the Queen.)


Will this week’s spoilers make our heads explode or not? Let’s see.

 A different kind of Welcome Wagon greets Richie this week.

Desperate to learn the truth Aidan and Ryan kidnap Richie.

I’ve often had fantasies featuring Spotted Dick as a kidnapper. My fantasies have me as his “victim.” Of course my fantasies do not include Ryan and/or Richie.

Once at the Pump House Richie’s kidnappers threaten to hang him unless he tells the truth.

I assuming all this takes place at the Pump House. Wasn’the Pump House where Leslie Coulson attempted to hang Tad?

The PVPD bursts in just as Ryan and Aidan have demonstrated their seriousness by hanging Richie from a beam.

The PVPD actually does its job correctly. This spoiler must be wrong.

Richie kicks the chair out from under him to make it appear that Aidan and Ryan were trying to kill him.

Obviously Richie has been studying up on the PVPD. He knows it doesn’t take much for them to falsely arrest someone, anyone.

Aidan and Ryan are arrested for kidnapping and attempted murder.

How can this be? Don’t the police know Ryan is a Lavery? (Don’t mind me, I’m just over here strip searching Spotted Dick.)

During the arraignment Richie surprises every one by saying Aidan and Ryan did not try to kill him. Aidan and Ryan are once again free men.

Richie is such a clever little minx. A clever crazy like fox little minx.

Annie and Ryan set a trap for Richie. Annie does her part by inviting Richie to dinner.

Are they planning to serve Richie poisoned peanut butter pancakes? Or are they just planning to bore him to death?  (Annie seems so much more alive in Ryan-free scenes.)

Ryan rushes in, gun in hand. Ryan makes a mistake and shoots himself instead of  Richie.

Not quite accurate but I like my version better than the real spoiler (Ryan shoots Annie instead of Richie.)

Ryan and Richie share a private moment. Richie shows his real colors by throwing his Gauntlet of Evil in front of Ryan.

I wonder if Richie bought his Gauntlet of Evil at the same store where Krystal buys her cans of WhoopAss?

Krystal refuses to give Wes’ job back to Richie.

In Pine Valley that sentence makes sense. It also makes sense that Krystal holds others to a higher standard than she sets for herself.

The Laverys are not the only couple plotting against their enemy.

JR tells Amanda about Zach’s plot to remove Greenlee from Fusion. JR tells Amanda that he is Zach’s flunky in crime.

Where will Amanda’s loyalties lie, with JR/Zach or with Greenlee? Probably with Greenlee because it wouldn’t be AMC if JR wasn’t betrayed by someone he trusts. Plus this will give Babe the chance to smugly point out her superiority to JR. And we can’t have too much of that, can we?

Joe tells Kendall that Spike may not be a candidate for a cochlear implant.

Of course he does because Kendall is not allowed to be happy for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Kendall continues to fill Greenlee’s computer with obsessive emails to Spike.

There’s just one flaw to Kendall’s plan, Spike doesn’t know how to read! Kidding just kidding. The main flaw? That this plan will eventually bite Kendall in her Zach-adored toches.

Other stuff happens, too.

JR and Ava sort of almost kind of have sex.

I sort of almost kind of vomit.

Ava accepts Jonathan’s proposal. They decide to make a fresh start by leaving Pine Valley.

Yes, I made up the last part. Unfortunately.

Greenlee helps Aidan investigate Richie’s past.

Please let this be a cornrow free investigation. Please.

Adam and Hannah are indeed partners in crime.

Happy dance! I’m doing a happy dance! It feels good to be doing a happy dance about AMC!

One Babe leaves and another instantly appears.

Damn, that was one short-lived happy dance.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

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