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This week's spoilers used for commentary are compliments of our friends over at SOAPTOWN USA December 19, 2005WARNING! You are entering a NO GRINCH zone. That's right, baby, Sage just does NOT respond
well to bitter grinchy folk! I am positively apey with the Christmas
spirit and there will be NO harshing of my gig or slowing of my roll!
I am an absolute Holiday Zealot running naked through the streets
screaming, "GOD BLESS
OK, actually, The King of Christmas finally got around to putting the many, many, many lights up on his house and in his trees and bushes and along his fence this weekend and it all looks pretty good except for the saggy bit up around the chimney. I saved the roof for last. We have this big ass Santa and reindeer that we have not used for years that I decided to pull out of the mothballs. I jammed that thing up there and was putting (literally) about 1000 lights around the roof as my last act of Christmas merriment for the day. As I was trying to wedge the end of the lights into a crack in the mortar between two bricks in the chimney, I guess I startled this massive black bird that was *in* said chimney and the damned thing flew up like it was a phoenix coming up from the fiery depths of hell (it might have been a white bird when it went in the chimney, but it was a black one when it came out). I screamed like a woman and lost my balance, then rolled over top of the rows of lights and fell off the edge of the house, holding onto the gutter. I got a first hand look at the fact that I really do need to take better care of my gutters because they are full of all kinds of nasty crud. I never, ever clean up there. Of course, having not had time to make an analytical decision about which side of the roof to descend, I ended up going down the BACK of the house, which empties out into our back yard and not much else, so it's not like the world saw me hanging there. Our roof is in two sections which are pretty much split level with a higher bit that is the main house (2 story, mind you) and a lower bit that Dad built on after he saw that he and Mom were having no difficulty whatsoever in the fertility department (that side is 1 story). Being the King of Christmas, I naturally decided that Santa and his little rodents had to go on the highest roof (because that is where the chimney runs up through the two stories). So here I was hanging off the shaky gutter of the 2nd floor roof. The eaves stick out enough that I could not get a good footing on the house itself from where I was hanging. The ladder was on the other side of the house. I managed to go from holding on with my hands to getting my elbows up onto the roof and figured I was home free, but when I went to swing my lower body up onto the roof, a couple of the shingles where I was holding on with my elbows slipped while I was in motion midswing (didn't I just have a roof certification when I refinanced this thing??) and down I went. I swear, I fell in slow motion because I had plenty of time to think, "Oh shit" before I hit the hedges under me. I actually fell not as hard as I expected, but the hedges took some damage, my shoulder and back are really sore and I'm pretty scratched up. It could have been a lot worse. Kurt came over and played with my shoulder a bit (he's a Reiki Master) and got out a really good pop (I think it may have been slightly dislocated because it took the brunt of the fall when I landed on it), after which, it felt much better. It's singing "O Holy Night" (Or "O Holy Shit," I might have gotten it wrong) tonight, so I am medicating with Motrin and egg nog with (pluh-enty of) Captain Morgans laced liberally through it. I am still the King of Christmas... I just have a bit of a bum wing. (Typing = ow ow ow) The lights look great and the saggy part is in the back (think of that), so you can believe I'm going to be part of the White Trash nation that leaves THAT stuff up all year if I have to. Speaking of trash, I think the King of Christmas is going to trash some ABC Soap Spoilers right about now...
AMC Commentary Of course, the biggest news to hit Pine Valley since the recently dethroned Princess Di arrived in the Valley is the news that her half-sister's counterpart, Cady McClain, has signed to return to AMC. The show was confident enough about McClain's return that they began planting teasers such as Di referring to an unnamed woman on the phone in a mysterious way. Our own Media Ho nailed the return before I knew it was official, then word came out in the special ink this past week. McClain will be returning for a lonnnnng term stint (years and years and years and years and years...) beginning this Friday, December 23rd. Try to act surprised. Previously, it was rumored that McClain would not sign unless Dixie was promised a completely kick ass story, so I am guessing no mini-skirted nuns habits around a stripper pole for her. She'll be shown in Europe, where she has been staying, for a while before fully coming back into Pine Valley. Perhaps Di can play the conquering hero if she can bring the real Dixie (all forgiving Dixie) back to her family on a silver platter, buying her own social rehabilitation. Weirder crap has happened. Tomorrow! Tomorrow! His last day's tomorrow... wait. Today is the 18th, not the 19th. On Tuesday! On Tuesday! His last day's on Tuesday... he'll finally GOOOO AAAAAAA-WWWAAAAYYY! Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, li'l Sam Grey is finally going to hit the road on the 20th and somehow, well, the TV picture will seem just a little brighter, the clarity a little more distinct and the sound just a tad (get it? Tad?) bit sweeter. Buh-bye, you abrasive little brat. Sweet Mother of God, that hideous trucker party is going to go on and on and on like the freakin Energizer Bunny with Krystal dragging Palmer into the fracas. Sincerely, I have really tried to like Krystal, but the more I see her... I can't do it. I can't tell you people such a bald faced lie in the interest of journalism. I never tried to like her. I couldn't stand her from the first phone call Babe made to her in her nasty, tacky little trailer with her giant velvet Elvis (why does a picture of Elvis always start to more closely resemble Buddy Hackett as soon as it hits velvet?) and her heart shaped satin pillows and after that, it just got worse and worse with every "baby doll." I'd give anything for Billy Clyde Tuggle to take her away and show her what being a real man is about. I don't hate her as much as I hate Julia, but it's reeeeally close. Much like the Cowardly Lion chanting, "I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks!" the Chandler men will keep telling themselves they are immune to the wiles of the Carey wimmen, but of course, being only mere mortal men in the presence of these sultry sirens, they don't stand a chance. (It's true that I kind of threw up in my mouth a bit when I typed that). Spoilers say that a person dressed as Santa is going to lead Little A (given his paternal lineage, he might as well start getting used to "Little A" being suffixed with "sshole") into the (obligatory) tunnels under the mansion. Initial major accusations go to the new whipping boy in town (and I ain't saying it ain't earned!), Jonathan, then to #2 in the line-up of "the usual suspects," Amanda. My guess is it's someone from Social Services coming to take the kid out of this Oedipus Wrecks meets War of the Roses family. Poor ol' Father Clarence only works on Christmas, I guess. This time, his target is Kendall, Baby and Ryan. One spoiler in regard to this storyline said, "Ryan and Kendall are stunned by what they find in the chapel." My first thought was, "Ryan's soul?" Maybe it's in the empty gift box that whapped Greenlee on the head last year (or was it the year before? Meh, I don' care), beaming out its beautiful golden light just like the contents of Marsellus Wallace's briefcase.
Monday, December 19 While Sage fantasizes about spending his life never having to see Natalie again. Think we can work something out here, Cris? John recalls happy times with Natalie;Sage does too... like when Mitch Laurence had her dangling off the pier... when she was buried alive for weeks and we barely saw her... when she was burning at the stake... *sigh* Yes, those were the best of times. Tess agrees to go to the loft with Antonio; If she thought the winery cottage was not to her standards, she's going to have a fit when she sees the decor there. Nash hovers near death after the beating; I'm betting he still looks good after a solid beating. Viki tries to clear the air with Dallas; Uh oh... Something tells me that Dallas is coming for her cowboy (Dallas... cowboy... heh heh heh) Kelly is hurt. Did she fall on Duke and get impaled?
Tuesday, December 20 *sigh* Don't we all? Evangeline asks Cristian about his plans for the future;Is she asking him for a proposal as well? Asking John about his plans for the future didn't get her very far! Todd tries to figure out another way Margaret's murder could have occurred; Like a way other than, "I did it?" Dorian continues to rebuff David. I'll sure be glad when she gives up the act. Those two were the best thing going on ABC!
Wednesday, December 21 Does he criticize the beard? Blair confronts David and fires him from Craze;Fire first and ask questions later? Huh? David is starting to get the "Trading Places" Louis Winthorpe treatment. Spencer asks David to work with him; Poor David... so completely hungry for acceptance and love that he's willing to sell his soul to... Spencer. Or maybe he's just hungry. Clint and Dallas end their relationship; You know, you just don't ask Clint to choose, I'm thinking. Marcie agrees to go out with Michael. And we begin round 2 of the most boring romance in soap history.
Thursday, December 22 Especially the cops unless he got a release of some kind. Viki offers Cristian advice on Natalie; Earplugs? Evangeline comforts Natalie, who can't stop crying; See? It's the karma train comin' barreling down the line for Evangeline, giving her the payback for breaking Nora's ear, even when she'd just found out her husband was a killer... and was gay... even when she was on a respirator in a coma... she just keeps complaining and keeps bitching and keeps crying. Well, the Natalie Machine is unleashed upon ye. Blair defends Spencer to Dorian; And thus it begins. Blair's letter touches Todd; Feels him right up, huh? Jessica fears that Tess will emerge. A legitimate fear, I'd say.
Friday,
December 23 And we know she just absolutely hates when she can't bend others to her will. John sees Natalie and Cristian together; And Cris sees John and Natalie together and Natalie sees Evangeline and John together and Natalie sees John and Cris together and we keep watching the same scenes over and over and over. Antonio and Jessica tell Cristian about Tess; Congratulations, it's a girl! Jessica hears Tess' voice in her head; At least she got her out of the mirror. Blair has a surprise for Todd; Oh no, not the groping letter again! Bo orders John to see a psychiatrist. I am sure the Natalie Debriefing is a real bitch.
Monday, December 19 Emily [outraged]: Jason! How can you, uh, say that? I have um, NO feelings for Sonny beyond, um, friendship. I am, um, there, uh, for Michael and, uh, Morgan. I am hurt and outraged and devastated that you would..." Jason: [stare] Emily: Um, I, uh, wub him. Carly concludes that Sonny is falling in love with Emily; Aren't we all, I mean, isn't she just so precious, I mean, uh, she is the spirit of the show, the soul, the, uh, heart, the, um, New Lila, the integrity, the, um, ... Nope, I hate her. Sam is outraged that Patrick will operate on Manny; She's in charge of the OR schedule now? Courtney is disappointed with the results of the paternity test. Does she figure it would turn out better if she studied more?
Tuesday, December 20 Well, that's different. Patrick operates and saves Manny's life;Not taking orders from Sam, it seems. Carly tries to make Emily feel guilty about her feelings for Sonny; That tactic is a little ... well, docile for Carly, isn't it? Oh, I forgot, we have "Uptown Carly" now. Pfft. Alexis watches Michael, Morgan and Kristina at Kelly's; Alexis babysitting multiple kids? I love it Emily comes to Sonny's rescue with Michael. Does Michael try to smother him with a pillow?
Wednesday, December 21 Well, you see, Rose Lawn is NOT Miracle Mental Hospital, so you actually have to stay there a while to get better. Duh. Emily accepts Michael's invitation to spend the holiday at Sonny's;And I am sure heaves a major, um, sign of relief when she finally fishes out the invite. Durant has Alexis appointed as Manny's defense attorney; Lucky freakin her. Nikolas is called out of town. (Psst. It was me. I faked a call because I needed a Nik break)
Thursday, December 22 Has she known him long enough to make that kind of assessment? Does she knows he comes from a long line of criminals? What's with this Robin chick. Did part of her research work including having parts of her brain removed? On an aside, I would love it if Manny could be redeemed and kept on the show because I think the actor is amazing. Ric cuts down a Christmas tree while Alexis works; Is it in someone's front yard? Does he hide it in a secret room chained to a wall and plan to introduce it to Alexis as "their" tree at the opportune moment? Jax manipulates Courtney; Yeah, well, she might as well take a number and wait because Jax manipulates everyone. Emily asks Dr. Kim to release Carly; Was part of Robin's research work include removing part of Emily's brain? Lulu refuses to be an elf at the hospital party; Good for her! Lainey keeps a secret. "I'm really Layla from OLTL?" (Ack)
Friday, December 23 She's been released and has a fresh sickle for chasing Emily? The annual hospital Christmas party begins; Why? We no longer have a Nurses Ball. We no longer have a Quartermaine Pizza Thanksgiving. Why preserve this tradition as well? Just bowl them all down! Patrick realizes that Noah has been drinking; Has he considered that if he wasn't such an ass, his dad might not be driven to drink? Courtney does not share Jax's feelings; Now there's a news flash. Lucky and Elizabeth assemble Cameron's Christmas present; A time machine to take him back to when GH was better? Justus learns Lainey's secret. "I'm really Layla from OLTL?" (Did I mention Ack?) Much Love,
Donate to keep |
US EVERY DAMNED
ONE!!" at the top of my lungs. I eat raw holly, poop out mistletoe
(giving all new meaning to telling someone to kiss my ass - I mean, how
can they refuse when I have thousands of years of folk lore on my side?)
and bleed mulled cider from my veins. I make Santa look like
Ebenezer Scrooge (pre-ghosts) and Olive the Other Reindeer look like Bill
the Cat. If the Little Drummer Boy had MY Christmas spirit, he'd be
dressed in nothing but a hula skirt, banging on a congo drum and
screaming, "Babaloo" at the top of his lungs. (Honey, I'd make
Matthew Matthew
McConaughey look tame).
The lights on my house make Clark Griswald's look like anemic fireflies.
The wheel on my electric meter spins like it think Vanna's going to
turn a letter or ten any minute. ("I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.
Can I have a K please?") Elvis might be the King of Rock and Roll,
Michael Jackson might be the King of Pop and Howard Stern might be the
King of All Media, but *I*, Sage Bourland, am the undisputed KING of
Christmas!
