A Cynic Soaps Up, By Kate Brown - A Shrewd and Insightful Look into AMC, OLTL and Noteworthy Others

May 22, 2006

Six years ago I wrote my first A Cynic Soaps Up for EOS. A couple of years later, Katrina asked me to do the AMC spoilers for a few months while a colleague was on maternity leave. What began as a three-month stint doing a relatively short spoiler column turned into years of doing a really long spoiler column. There wasn’t enough time or AMC inspiration to do both columns. As a result, A Cynic Soaps Up fell by the wayside.

I missed A Cynic. That’s why, starting this week, once again I will be doing two columns. A Cynic Soaps Up will be spoiler free. AMC Spoilers with Commentary will be just that, my take on the upcoming week in Pine Valley.

The spoilers’ column can be found here

Enough talk about me, here’s some talk about AMC:

Aren’t courtroom proceedings in PV great? Ludicrous, but great. You can always count on Erica totally ignoring the judge’s admonitions to keep her personal opinions to herself. Never going to happen, once Erica swears on the Bible, she is going to keep talking until she is done.

What’s as predictable as Erica’s monologues? A PV citizen bursting into the courtroom announcing they need to testify right now. This minute. This time it was Babe announcing that Kendall-in-coma-and-I-think-it’s-serious gave her a sign to save Spike.

Kendall giving Babe the finger wasn’t the most surprising event; it was Babe telling the truth. Given Babe’s track record, who could blame Erica for saying, “Mrs. Chandler is a lying bitch” ?

What else was great? Erica’s private detectives finding out all about Zach’s financial dealings in less than 24 hours. Clearly Erica did not use the firm of “ Devane & Martin: Where the dicks are both Private and Spotted.” Those dicks are anything but quick. Which can be a good thing, but not when it comes to investigating.

My favorite part of the proceeding? When the judge handed down his ruling:

“Mr. Lavery it is the opinion of this Court that your character is in far greater need of redemption than Mr. Slater’s character. Therefore, this Court declares that your need-to-control-Kendall’s- womb documentation supersedes Mr. Slater’s spousal privilege. I do not envy you the task of trying to make viewers forget what an arrogant lip-licking ass you have been since your return. Court dismissed.”

OK. OK. That wasn’t the ruling’s actual wording but it was its intent. It’s irritating but at least the writers are giving Ryan an active instead of a passive role in his redemption. It’s better than having Greenlee or Kendall or me on the stand saying, “Ryan is love.”

Speaking of love, I love soaps for many reasons. For example, soap characters often find themselves facing the same difficult life situations as viewers do.

In real life, there are medical situations where any decision seems to be the wrong one. Loved ones often disagree about which course of action to take. Real people get as much information as they can. They ask a million questions. They do their own research. If insurance and finances allow, they bring in more experts. Sometimes legal action is necessary. If someone disagrees with the chosen solution, they make peace with it, or they hold a grudge forever. Real stuff.

What does a soap character do in a similar situation? Why hold the patient hostage in the ICU of course. Zach is a man of action. Action needed to be taken to honor Kendall’s wishes and Zach took it.

How romantic. How exciting. How soapy.

How unfortunate that Zach’s actions make Ryan seem like the reasonable one.

Erica has always believed Ryan to be reasonable. If Ryan had locked himself and Kendall in the ICU, Erica would think it was the most wonderful thing ever. Even if Ryan’s actions put Kendall at risk. Why? Because Ryan is a Lavery and Zach is not.

Has any Kane, Lavery or Slater thought to call Alice Hart? Even Kendall herself has acknowledged how much Alice loves her. Of course, in ABC-land, adoptive parents seldom are worth as much as bio parents. That is wrong on so many levels.

Which leads me to DixieBitch. Yes, I think, given the circumstances, she needs to find Kate in order to ease her mind. However, finding Kate is quite different than swooping in and taking the child to her “real” family. Sometimes DixieBitch it isn’t all about you.

I hope Kate’s adoptive parents do not turn out to be gunrunners or drug dealers. I hope they are nice, normal and loving people. DixieBitch and Tad having to deal with that scenario would be more interesting than “rescuing” Kate. Tad would be especially torn since he believes that his adoptive family is his “real” family.

Short thoughts on other AMC happenings:

“Babe Chandler has no experience working anything but a beer tap.” I must disagree with Erica on this one. Babe has plenty of experience working things other than a beer tap until a liquid with a little froth comes out.

“I don’t know anyone (but you) who loves Kendall as completely as possible.” I love seeing Myrtle, especially when she is speaking the truth about Zach.

“He is trying to give her what we rarely do, what she (Kendall) wants.” I do not know how much of Reasonable Ryan I can take. I really don’t.

While Lily was asking Teddy for train ticket money, why didn’t she also ask for money for sunglasses?

Zach’s locking himself in Kendall’s room was much like Ryan locking himself in with Gillian. The difference being that the current storyline has much better acting.

“You look like hell.” Seeing Simone, Dani and Erin was terrific. I hope we see them again soon. Minus Erin.

Aidan being knocked out by a book was quite, umm, strange. Poor Aidan. I thought Spotted Dick was harder than that.

“I see through that halo and that myth.” Megalomaniacs seldom see things or people clearly, yet Greg accurately nailed DixieBitch with this comment.

“Why does it hurt so bad when I know I’m doing the right thing?” Well, Babe, sometimes when you try something new it hurts a bit.

“Fluid is building up in Kendall’s brain.” Perhaps Kendall’s brain is trying to drown itself so it doesn’t have to listen to her anymore.

“Jack is suffering more than I ever thought possible.” What about our suffering? Why hasn’t Jack joined Aidan and Jonathan as they aimlessly wander NYC in search of Lily? Why isn’t Reggie present? Is he still grounded for losing track of Lily ?

“Maybe she needs to do this, something truly good for someone else for once.” Kendall is annoying me right now but DixieBitch’s comment is annoying me even more. Kendall has done generous, giving things for other people. For one thing, Kendall has been there for JR, which is more than can be said about his mother.

If I have to hear “ taking the baby way too early” one more time, I am going to run over someone with an ultrasound machine. Are viewers the only ones who remember Kendall got pregnant on September 20^th?

“The Chandlers! The Chandlers are above the law!” Once again Krystal was ranting about what a terrible parent Adam is. From her point of view that’s true. Adam has taught JR many things over the years. However, Adam has never taught JR to check his sex partner’s driver’s license has he?

What has AMC taught me? That sharing it with my fellow viewers is often much more fun that watching it.