June 12, 2006

Most people, including myself, have fantasies about being impossibly rich. If you are not born rich, you need a plan. I have my own get rich quick scheme. All I need is a scratch-and-sniff picture of DixieBitch to make it work. 

With a scratch-and-sniff I would be able to determine what pheromones DixieBitch is putting out. A fortune could be made in marketing those powerful babies. (It’s too bad Billy Clyde Tuggle is (supposedly) dead; wouldn’t you love to see him on QVC pitching the stuff?) 

What else but powerful pheromones could explain what happens to men when in DixieBitch’s presence? Whatever attention DixieBitch wants, DixieBitch gets. It pains me to see David begging for her attention. How long before David is prostrating himself just to make it easier to lick her boots? Zach became her champion even before he knew about Kate. It became even worse after DixieBitch deigned to let him in on the Kate secret.  Zach left his bride of less than a week to have an island escapade with DixieBitch. I am not going to revisit the “you have to help me now, Zach” jail scene for fear my head will explode.  Tad has been taking deeper  sniffs of pheromone than anyone else in PV. What other explain can there be for thinking Zach blew up Madden’s yacht to impress DixieBitch ? 

Why do Greg’s sensibilities remain impervious to DixieBitch’s pheromones? That one is easy, Erica’s pheromones got to his sensibilities first. Is Greg any different from the other men who have adored Erica? Not really, it’s just that Greg’s adoration has gotten a little out of hand.  OK, a lot out of hand. Erica probably never dreamed that being adored could have such a downside. 

It’s not just the fetus stealing and kidnapping that sets Greg apart from Erica’s other suitors, it’s also his choice of romantic music. No Barry White for Greg, he goes right for German folk music. Who knew he was such a softy? 

Just as Erica is experiencing the downside of being adored, Greg is experiencing the downside of angering half the population of Pine Valley. There are few things that are a bigger downer than being buried alive; unless it’s being buried alive with a supply of water but no catheter.  

It was kind of Greg to supply us with a list of possible grave digging suspects: “Tad, Di, Dixie, Del, Slater, Erica.” Greg left out David, Jamie and JR, and everyone else in the opening credits.  

Who could it be? It has to be someone who was strong enough to get Madden from the plane to the park. Someone who could get a coffin-sized crate complete with air supply, camera and sound equipment on very short notice. The plantings over the burial ground look like they have been there all season, so it must be someone with good gardening skills.   

Maybe it was more than one person. Maybe the writers haven’t yet decided who it was. 

It could be Babe. True, it wouldn’t make any sense expect to TPTB.  They are running out of ideas to redeem her, why not have Babe return a lost child to its family? Sure, you laugh now.. 

My choice would be Aidan. Why? Just hear to Spotted Dick say, “What we have here is a real Toad-in-the-Hole.” 

Clearly it’s time for shorter thoughts: 

“Wife. Mine. Wow.”  The only thing better would be me saying, “Zach. Mine. Wow.” 

“God knows what could have happened to you on that park bench.”  I agree, Jack, something horrible could have happened to Erica. Her mascara could have run. Some tabloid could have taken a picture of her wearing a ponytail! Her Youthful Essence could have expired.  

Speaking of tabloids, I still miss Donald Steele. “Erica Kane thrilled with Stepdaughter’s Marriage to Triple Murderer.” “Erica Kane Seethes at Daughter’s Marriage to that Zach Slater person.” “The Pics she didn’t want you to see: Erica Kane in a ponytail!”  

“You have your Momma and GrandMomma and your aunts and your uncles.”  Did it bother anyone else that JR did not include Adam on that list?  

“I still dream about that one position.”  I love David.

Yes, I love David but he was wrong about one thing this week. He referred to “Dixie’s posse” when we all know there is only one posse in PV and that’s Jackson’s Posse. 

“He (Del) is mechanical.”  That explains so much, doesn’t it? 

Last week I loathed them, this week Jamie and Julia weren’t so bad. The key to their success might be keeping them off the beach and clothed. At least when they are together. 

“He (Del) is mechanical.”  That explains so much, doesn’t it? 

This week everyone dropped everything in a frantic effort to find Madden. Yep, they dropped everything but their hang time at the Yacht Club. 

“Jack, your wishes are just not the point.”  Do you think those words are embroidered on Jack and Erica’s bed pillows? Yep, me, too. 

“Ommmm” Few things I enjoy more than an evil man meditating while buried alive.  

“And I should have put down the booze the minute I thought about killing my wife.”  Yes, JR, you should have. If you had been sober, maybe your plan would have worked. 

Yes, JR deserves to be punished for what he did. Yes, JR deserves Kendall’s white-hot anger.  What JR does not deserve is the cruel and unusual punishment of Adam saying he was glad that Babe was in his son’s life. 

Jack is a damn fine looking man, why was he wearing that blue jacket? Or, as my husband would say, why was he wearing that blue old fart jacket? 

“I know what’s best for all my children.”  So do I Greg. Hiring me as head writer would be a start. 

And that’s all for this week.