Before reading any further, you should know that I am in a foul, foul mood.   I am furious with my husband. Furious. He failed (refused) to give any kind of reasonable answer to one simple question, “Why does it take you almost 24 hours to get home from Dubai when it took Spotted Dick and Jake less than an hour to get home from a prison in Darfur?” Men. Sigh.

“The Cambias Jet” must be code for “The Cambias Teletransporter.”

Soaps often expect us to accept stories that stretch the bounds of credibility. I enjoy them, even while occasionally rolling my eyes, because I know a dramatic resolution is coming. It may be a heart wrenchingly sad resolution or a happily romantic one, either one is fine with me. Regrettably, the rescue story provided neither. Greenlee did not even have time to collapse from emotional exhaustion before a clean and sparkly Aidan walked through the door. Aidan returning from the dry cleaners would have packed the same emotional wallop.

Oddly enough, the scene that touched me this week involved Krystal.

Krystal’s scene was interesting because it involved some small measure of self-awareness. “Of course, I messed it up. I slept with Tad.”  Surprisingly, Krystal did not go right into the usual Adam-is-evil comment.  Perhaps the writers realize the inevitable Adam/Krystal reunion will only make sense if both sides acknowledge their mistakes. It would be refreshing to have one Chandler/Carey pairing not be based on sadomasochism.

In addition to her moment of self-awareness, Krystal also had a moment of Tad-awareness. It was interesting watching Krystal chastise Tad for his behavior towards Adam. Could it be that Krystal’s perception of Tad is changing? Will Krystal remember the reason she banished Adam from her life was because Tad intended to sue for custody of Jenny if she didn’t? It will be a sweet day when the scales fall from Krystal’s eyes and she realizes that Adam is not the only man in town who plays God.

Whatever the reason, Tad and Krystal’s relationship cannot end soon enough for me. Their relationship is too lethargic to invoke anything interesting.

The most interesting relationship on AMC these days? Adam and the adoption papers.  Who would have guessed that an actor, an empty room, and a piece of paper would be the best thing to happen in weeks? David Canary is doing a wonderful job of playing Adam on the edge of a breakdown without turning the character into a caricature. Not an easy feat.

Why don’t I think the most interesting relationship these days is Adam and Dixie’s ghost? I am not quite sure. In the past Adam and Dixie’s relationship was, for the most part, interesting. The actors have always had chemistry. Dixie’s fans have been aching for her return. Yet, for me, something is not working.  There were many sides to Dixie’s character, why bring back the supercilious one? Supercilious Dixie has never touched me emotionally, except for the very strong desire to slap her. It would be more realistic to have Earth Mother Dixie admonishing Adam to give Tad the adoption papers. (Never mind that Adam has already tried twice to tell Tad about Kathy/Kate and Tad was too busy being smug to listen.)

I am also mystified as to why Dixie is haunting Adam instead of Tad.  Oh, I know it is because Adam is EVIL and Tad is not. (AMC would be much more interesting if both men were written as grey characters, but alas, that is unlikely to happen.) True it is much more fun with Adam, but still..

Last year over on As the World Turns, a comatose Rosanna ( also played by Cady McClain) was able to communicate with another character. Over on General Hospital  Nikolas’ brain tumor allowed him to converse with his dead fiancée Emily. Over the years, on more than one soap, a character has been haunted by a manifestation of his guilt. While I certainly do not want Adam to have a brain tumor, if only to spare us hearing Tad insist the tumor is another one of Adam’s attention getting ploys, any of these scenarios would make sense. In addition, two of them would give Dixie fans the hope that she is still alive.

Of course, giving Tad the adoption papers will not change how PV residents view Adam.  If a Martin had kept adoption papers secret, they would have not only been forgiven but also lauded as a hero before the next commercial break. I bet, in time, Adam will be blamed for Dixie giving up the baby for adoption as well as Tad’s ineffectual attempts to find Kate.

Semi-awkward segue.

Since Krystal is on the road to semi-redemption, why can’t the writers do the same for Tad? Megan McTavish’s destruction of Tad began with his part in the Mirabess/Lil’A mess. She followed that up with the burying of Greg Madden.  Why haven’t efforts been made to correct McTavish’s heinous mistakes? Why isn’t Tad haunted by guilt and the ghost of Ray Gardner? Why has Tad forgotten that were it not for Zach’s confession, he would be sitting on death row? As a legacy character, Tad is certainly worth the writers’ effort.  Michael E. Knight could do wonders with Tad’s admitting his mistakes and seeking absolution.

What else. What else.

 

Opal dropping Palmer’s phone into his Scotch.  Palmer nonchalantly calling for another drink. Wonderful

“Erica, you are about to enter the sophisticated and engrossing world of contract bridge.” Thus, the Erica-doing-time story turns into another excuse for pointless celebrity cameos. A few weeks ago, it was B5 and this week it’s Warren Buffet. Who’s next? Will it be Martha Stewart advising Erica to pass the time knitting ponchos? Or maybe Tim Gunn will stop by to admonish Erica to “make it work.”

“I know who’s behind this. It’s Father Clarence—the Christmas Angel of Death!” OK, so that is not exactly what Adam said.

Hmmm.. So Hazel did not change her name. Hazel did not even move as far away as Llanview.  Yet, Tad, with all his contacts and expertise, could not locate her. Perhaps Tad should consider a career change.

“He’s like a boat without a rudder.” Let’s pause for a moment so we can all think about Jack’s rudder.

Jake doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s back in PV. Won’t that be a little difficult given that his father is PVH’s Chief of Staff? Does this mean Jake will start lurking soon? If so, I hope his legs were injured in the escape. C’mon, you must admit it would be fun watching someone on crutches trying to lurk.

A “Cumback Burger” sounds like nothing I would want to eat, how about you?

Where the hell is Josh? Why hasn’t he visited Erica at the Big House? Why wasn’t he at Cambias helping coordinate the rescue mission? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to have Josh approach Hazel, a woman who has known him since childhood? Josh could have played the “ help me find my cousin” card. 

Tad finally gets a real clue about Kate. Madden sent her to New Mexico. So, does Tad hop on a plane to Albuquerque? Nope, he heads over to The Cumback to hang out with his crew. So much for Tad’s desperate, urgent need to find his daughter.

Did it bother anyone else that Kendall blithely agreed to Krystal joining the wedding dress search? Just me?

“Actually I think you two would have a lot in common. For one thing, you both worship me.” OK, so that isn’t exactly what Erica said.

“You would be reuniting a father and child, unlike Tad who specializes in separating fathers from their children.” Well, that’s what I heard Dixie say. In my head.

“He’s dead.” “Your old boss has made that very difficult.” It’s amazing how Tad behaves as if he wasn’t the reason Madden is dead. Come to think of it,it is not that amazing that Tad refuses to take responsibility for his actions—after all, he is a Martin.

“Any idea who kidnapped you, drugged you and tagged you with hepatitis?”  I enjoyed the Frankie/JR scene. They have an easy rapport, which probably  means that’s the last time we will see them sharing a scene.

“I should have given JR a better father. He should not have been a Chandler. He should have been a Martin.” Death may have grown Dixie’s hair but it sure as hell did not raise her IQ.

“Yeah, well, I'm not into these newfangled infrared electromagnetic doodads. No, just my stones and my psychic powers are all I need.” The Opal/Adam/Dixie scenes were perfection. Isn’t it wonderful seeing Opal more than twice a year?

“I knocked that slut flat out.” So much for Babe’s sense of professional courtesy.

 

Will this week’s spoilers have us not so nonchalantly ordering another drink or not? Let’s see.

Will everything be all right with the world now that Aidan and Jake are safely back in Pine Valley? Not bloody likely.

Annie is none too pleased when she sees Ryan comforting Greenlee. Annie hatches a plan to become engaged and have her fiancée disappear while on a dangerous mission so that Ryan will have to comfort her, too.

OK, so Annie really doesn’t do that, but I bet she thinks about doing it.

Greenlee is happy to see Aidan but becomes disconcerted when he talks about having children.

Didn’t Greenlee used to fantasize about little Spotted Dicks running around?  That sounds like a sexual fantasy, doesn’t it? Let me rephrase. Didn’t Greenlee used to have fantasies about little Smythe/Devanes running around? Oh, wait, that was the other Greenlee, not the REAL Greenlee. Silly me.

Aidan is confused when Greenlee declares she doesn’t want to have children with him.

Aidan has known Greenlee for years and he still hasn’t figured out that life with Greenlee is always confusing. Poor simple Spotted Dick.

Aidan shares all the details about the escape from Darfur.

“Well, after the explosion, which oddly enough killed everyone except us, Jake and I made a beeline to an air field where we boarded the Cambias Teletransporter and  Bob’s your uncle, here we are.”

Greenlee visits Jake in the hospital where she tells him how hard the rescue attempt was on her. She then shows Jake pictures of her wedding dress and asks his opinion about her color scheme. Hours later, she remembers her manners and asks Jake how he is doing. Jake replies that he needs to go back to Africa and continue his AIDS work.

“That’s nice Jake, but do you think I should go with one large wedding cake or a smaller one and have cupcakes for the guests instead of slices?”

Jakes decides to check himself out of PVH against doctor’s orders. Greenlee refuses to help him.

“I’d love to, really I would, but I have so much planning to do. Tell me, do you think it would be tacky to hand out Fusion gift bags as wedding favors?”

Jack and Kendall visit Erica. Since cell phones are not allowed, Jack and Kendall put both their phones in the “No Cell Phones Allowed Unless You Happen to Be Warren Buffet” bin.

No good can come from this, no good at all.

On their way out of the prison, Jack and Kendall pick up each other’s cell phones by mistake. Hilarity ensues.

OK, so maybe not hilarity, but surely something is going to ensue.

Jack answers Kendall’s phone. It’s Erica! She tells “Kendall” that she is happy that Zach has forgiven her infidelity. Not only that, she thinks that Greenlee should never, ever know that Aidan cheated on her with Kendall.

This could have been avoided if Jack had said “hello” when he answered the phone. Where are his southern gentleman manners?

Erica realizes she has been telling the wrong person about Aidan and Kendall. She begs Jackson to keep the infidelity secret. Jack doesn’t know what to do, except to include tarring and feathering as part of Aidan’s bachelor party high jinks.

Poor Jack, he is doomed either way. If tells Greenlee the truth, Erica will never forgive him. If Greenlee finds out he kept the truth from her, she may never forgive him. Perhaps Jack should go to Australia with Julia until this whole thing blows over.

Annie still refuses to see that Ryan is not all that and a bag of clown noses.

Annie is pissed when Ryan forgets their anniversary.

This is the one time Ryan deserves to be cut some slack. Having amnesia is a reasonable excuse/reason for forgetting an anniversary. In fact, it might be the only reasonable excuse/reason.

Ryan feels bad about forgetting the anniversary. He takes Annie to the stables-which-had-to-be-rebuilt-after-Jonathan-burned-them-down-to-coverup- Edmund’s-murder for a surprise picnic.

I’m willing to cut Ryan some slack on this one,too, since he doesn’t remember it’s the stables-which-had-to-be-rebuilt-after-Jonathan-burned-them-down-to-coverup- Edmund’s-murder.

Ryan’s memories about Annie come back in flash. They make love. Annie thinks they are back on track. Ryan is not so sure. He remembers Annie but he doesn’t remember the feelings he had for her. Ryan wisely keeps this to himself.

Ryan gets points for not saying, “Yes, I remember you, Annie, I just don’t remember having any feelings for you. But, hey, you know what? One out of two ain’t bad.”

Annie is crushed when she overhears Ryan tell Kendall that he doesn’t remember his feelings for Annie.

Is a crushed Annie a dangerous Annie? Really, does anyone think this is going to play out any other way?

Annie finds out that Ryan really did not have a vasectomy. Annie decides to not tell Ryan.Oh, and have lots of sex with the hope of becoming pregnant.

I just have one question: what the hell was the doctor doing down there if he wasn’t performing a vasectomy?

On this week’s episode of The Ghost and Adam Chandler:

Adam tells flight attendant Dixie that he would rather die than hand over the adoption papers to Tad.

He then asks her for an extra package of stale cheese crackers.

Stuart thinks Adam just might be telling the truth about seeing Dixie. JR refuses to believe him.

I understand why JR feels this  way. JR really does love Adam and is petrified at thought of “losing” his father. On the other hand maybe JR is just in one of his bratty moods.

JR finally realizes that Adam needs to be committed. This delights Dixie no end. She is happy to see Adam locked up in the same hospital where he had her committed years ago.

You know what would delight me? Seeing Janet in the room next to Adam’s.

Other stuff happens, too.

Tad’s efforts to find Kate hit a brick wall.

I didn’t say the “other stuff” would be surprising, now did I?

Jake and Frankie share their war experiences with each other.

I am looking forward to this. It will be interesting watching Frankie interact with a peer. This conversation could provide insights into both characters.

Babe decides to set a trap for Richie by masquerading as a hooker.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.