November 28, 2006
Erica “What do I have to be sorry for?”  Kane
Erica, Erica, Erica…Where do I begin?  Maybe it’ll be easier if we start at the top and work our way down…

The hair definitely needs an update.  STAT.  And she needs to stop using whatever product it is that they’re putting in it now because, whatever it is, it’s making her hair look like burnt straw.  Honestly, she used to have the most fabulous hair, but it has been a long time since her tresses have gleamed with health and vitality.


Good God.  I am not, by any means, knocking any woman of a certain age, so let’s just get that straight right off the bat.  In fact, more power to those fortunate enough to be blessed with genes that keep them looking younger than their physical years; I wish I were one of them.  There was a time when Granny Kane could boast of being on the cutting edge of fashion.  That time is long past, however.  Erica may be a diva, and God knows we love her for it, but even divas know (most of them) when they’ve reached the point where it’s time to stop shopping in the Junior Couture department at their favorite clothing store or, in Erica’s case, stop having designers make you clothing that should only be worn by older teens and young twenty-something’s.  Yes, she is slim (read: bony) and able to still FIT into said attire but that doesn’t mean she should wear it or can pull it off the way she used to.

And, it has to be said, just because your face is still fairly smooth and unlined for someone of your…experience…that doesn’t mean the rest of you is!  (Can we talk about her neck and chest?)  Slinky outfits, gravity defying steel bustiers (that lift the twins heavenward), spaghetti-straps, strapless dresses and plunging necklines are not flattering when you have a chicken-neck and every one of your ribs are protruding noticeably through your skin! 

And, can we talk about the RED?!!  Hello?  Granted, Erica looks smashing in red but, common sense dictates that if one has an autistic daughter who flips out at the sight of red, one should get rid of all things red that are part of ones wardrobe.  Period.  Let’s be honest here, Erica spends much more time with / in and attention on the many pieces of red apparel in her wardrobe than she does tending to the needs of the stepdaughter she claims to love so deeply.   Also, lose the girdle or whatever-it-is that flattens your petite derriere to the point where it appears you have only one…um…cheek.  Uni-butts do not look good on former supermodels of petite stature.  (What does she need a “body shaper” for anyway?  The woman is a stick figure!)  Which brings me to my next grievance:  As I’ve already stated, the woman is a stick figure.  She can afford to put on a few pounds! Really!  I promise, she’s been heavier and looked better for it! 

ONCE A SLAPPER ALWAYS A SLAPPER…  (Nods to Doc Helen’s forum!) 

Now that we’ve established Granny Kane to be of a certain age, it’s time to let go of the coquettish behavior.  Granny, you are no babe in the woods, and you’re long past ingénue.  It’s demeaning to yourself and everyone watching for you to toss your hair, rub your thighs, giggle girlishly, and bat your eyelashes at every man who crosses your path.  Seriously - show of hands, who WASN’T squicked out when she even started in with the ingénue stuff when Sean first arrived and was sucking up to her so he could crash at their house?  Anyone?  I know it wasn’t just me!  It’s like she can’t help herself.  Someone of the opposite sex compliments her, even just a little bit and she starts with the hair flipping and eyelash batting and thigh rubbing.  It’s practically Pavlovian!  She even did that with Greg Madden WHILE she was getting the creepy vibes coming off of him!  (She did at first anyway.)


Will the writers EVER allow Erica to grow up?  Clothes aside, Erica still behaves like a twenty-year old.  It’s as if the woman has gained not one iota of wisdom and maturity from the many hardships she’s endured in her (nearly) sixty years and…what?  Ten marriages?   She wasn’t married to Jackson Montgomery for all of five minutes before her roving eye kicked in. She still hasn’t matured to the point where she doesn’t need EVERYONE’S full attention 10000% focused upon fawning over her.  (Especially if there is a male within ten light-years of her immediate orbit.)  If they aren’t focused on her, she has no use for them.   Jeff Martin is panting over her (though he really should know better - shame on him!) and Jack isn’t, so Jack is kicked to the curb (again) and she starts batting her eyes at Jeff - all the while shrieking at Jack that she’s doing nothing wrong and accusing him of being the sole person to blame for their marriage hitting the skids.

>shakes head< 

Her immaturity really showed when, sick of her tired, old shenanigans, Jack literally tossed her (via her belongings) from the home she abandoned.  Her initial refusal to attend the family Thanksgiving dinner, then later slinking kittenishly in on the arms of her first ex-husband and almost ex-son just to stick it to Jack (thereby further widening the ever growing chasm between them) illustrated perfectly exactly how self-centered and childish Erica Kane STILL is.  Zach nailed her when he said, "You love Kendall and want to help her as long as you don't have to lift a finger to do it."   BINGO.  Zach always has a way of cutting through the BS and calling things as he sees them.  I’m sure I’m not alone in my belief that the main reason Erica still doesn’t like Zach is because he’s not fawning all over her, worshipping the ground she walks on.  Good thing Binks is gay, or she’d want HER men too.

Speaking of drooling over her daughter’s men…why doesn’t Erica just make a play for Ryan and get it out of her system?  (That way, she can stop pushing Kendall to be with him instead of Zach.)  Everyone knows she’s had a jones on for the (now) eldest Lavery for a long time.   Why else would she want her daughter, whom she claims to love soooo much, to be with the absolute worst man in the world for her?  (Aside to Kendall…Honey?  If Ryan feels the need to go off and focus on his newly discovered daughter and her mother… LET HIM!!  Good riddance to bad rubbish!  You have Zach, who is a much better father to Spikey - YOU DON’T NEED RYAN!   Just saying.) 


It’s okay for Erica to use the “G-Word.”  Really.  I checked…It’s not profanity or anything!  It has gone beyond ludicrous for Erica to constantly refer to the little cherubs as “My daughter, Kendall’s, baby,” or “My daughter, Bianca’s baby.”  What’s so wrong with Erica being a “sexy” grandmother?  Aside from everything else I’ve mentioned, she just looks silly when she takes such great pains to avoid calling her grandchildren just that - her grandchildren.  It also wouldn’t hurt to see her actually spend some quality- time with the moppets.  It might even give her some perspective.  (As in she ought NOT to be behaving less maturely than her grandchildren!!) 

People often say that she wouldn’t be Erica Kane if it weren’t all about her all the time.  That’s true.  However, that can be accomplished in a more dignified, less insulting way than her behaving the way she has been.  It’s time to grow up and take some responsibility for her own happiness instead of depending on a man to make her feel validated and important.  Erica Kane doesn’t need to resort to childish behavior to make herself the center of attention.  She’s Erica.  Erica Kane.  She’s already the center of attention just by walking into a room.  There is an underlying strength to Erica that we haven’t seen in a long, long, LONG time.  It’s time to let that aspect of

her shine through all the schoolgirl crap she’s been pulling lately.


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