For the Week of February 18, 2008

Zach Slater and Kendall Hart Slater, I am placing you both under

           arrest. You are charged with stealing the lives of both Ryan Lavery

          and Greenlee Smythe.”

                                                                      Derek Frye

 Sure, you laugh now…

I am no longer bewitched by the bothered and bewildered Ryan. Sadly, it was only a matter of time until Ryan went back to being a self-centered bully. Ryan’s amnesia would have been the perfect way to rebuild this character. Imagine how different it would be if we saw Ryan’s pain at not remembering Emma instead of being solely interested in the child he had with Kendall. It would be touching to watch Ryan’s heart break at accepting that Kendall had moved on. That would prove that what Palmer said about Ryan, “he’s a boy not a man” was no longer true. These storyline changes would not erase all the terrible things Ryan has done since his return, but they could result in a more ba lanced character.

“What if I think Kendall would be happier with me?” It is nice to know that, while he has forgotten the past four years, Ryan has not forgotten his arrogance.  Kendall told Ryan how happy she is with Zach, but that does not matter to Ryan. His audacious comment shows how little respect Ryan has for Kendall. His lack of respect for her is what caused their breakup in the first place.

“What if you’ve got everybody snowed, Zach? I mean you try to be this white knight, protector of all women, but wasn’t it your ex-girlfriend that shot me in the head while she was gunning for Kendall?” It is sounding as if Ryan considers Zach a threat to his position as Patron Saint of Pine Valley.

“Well, maybe if you had stuck around and faced the son of a bitch, then good people like Erin and Simone would still be alive.” Sigh. As I wrote when Ryan said almost exactly the same thing when Cambias-the-Elder was revealed as the Satin Slayer, “well, Ryan, maybe if you hadn’t abandoned your siblings, Edmund, Braden, and the bodyguard with no name would still be alive today.”

“We spent all night talking about this and that. When were you going to tell me that my sister was murdered?” Well, Ryan, since “this” was you talking about the instant connection you felt with Spike and “that” was how you didn’t feel the same connection with Emma, when did Annie have a chance to say anything? Besides, “your sister was murdered” really is not first date conversation material.

Maybe I am not cutting Ryan enough slack. After all, he does have to play catch up on four years of life in Pine Valley. Ryan should not only be asking Kendall and Greenlee about his past, he should be asking his other friends, too. Ryan should be knocking on Wildwind’s door.  He would find many answers there. “Hello, I’m Ryan Lavery. I’m here to see my friend Edmund. Oh, excuse my manners, what did you say your name was? Del? Are you the new stable boy? Speaking of which, the stables look new to me, when did that happen? Never mind, I am sure Edmund can fill me in. Just tell him I’m here.”

Not everything Ryan finds out will be as disturbing as discovering Jonathan is a murderer. I am looking forward to the moment Ryan meets Josh:

Ryan: “Your Kendall’s brother? Did Richard Fields rape your mother, too?”

Josh:  “No, Kendall and I don’t have the same father, we have the same mother. Erica. My father is Erica’s first husband Jeff Martin.”

Ryan: “Whoa. How did that happen? Did Erica put you up for adoption too?”

Josh: “Nope, in fact, she aborted me. The man who raised me, Greg Madden, blah blah obsession, blah blah infertile blah blah absurd blah blah and Bob’s your uncle, here I am! In fact, talk about coincidences, Greg bought some property here in the Valley. Surely you remember making a donation at a sperm bank here in town….”

Speaking of Erica, her dismissal of the financial advisors was classic Erica. The chunk of ice was pure diva, as was her hand toss of dismissal.  Erica instructing Val to contact Adam’s financial advisors was pragmatic. Unfortunately, all that business savvy disappeared when she left the boardroom. Erica dismissed Jack’s admonition to move swiftly on resolving her SEC problems. At that moment Erica could not have been more Scarlett O’Hara if she had said, “Oh, fiddle dee dee, Jackson. All this talk of the SEC bores me.” Erica is in for quite a surprise when she discovers SEC troubles will not be solved by tossing her hair and rubbing her thighs.

Erica’s scenes with Kendall showed some other sides of Erica. She was supportive and nonjudgmental. Most impressive was her ability to rein in Kendall’s hysteria thus helping her daughter focus on the situation. The scene’s only flaw was having it take place in a public restroom. A public restroom at a heavily press covered event. If only Donald Steele had been hiding in one of the stalls.

Erica and Kendall were not the only mother/daughter team having a heart-to-heart. We were treated to a very special Carey women moment, too.

 “Clem Tolliver…he treated us like queens… until his wife showed up .You grabbed my hand and we ran out of their like bats out of hell, ok? Nobody even batted an eye.”

Wasn’t it great that a junior highschool aged Babe was invited to tag along on Krystal’s Las Vegas adulterous assignation? A couple of years ago we were treated to another fun Carey memory. Now, this may shock you, but Krystal traded sex for rent. Poor Babe and Krystal were chased out of town by the landlord’s angry wife. The best thing about that story? Krystal was presented as the wronged woman. Ahh, Krystal. What a woman. What a mom.

Annie does not let her stresses interfere with being a good mother. The way she explained Ryan’s behavior to Emma was simple and direct. Annie does her best to keep Emma’s childhood intact by not dragging her into her parents’ problems. Melissa Claire Egan is doing a wonderful job as Annie. Annie’s small but telling hurt look when Ryan did not pull out her Confusion chair was subtle and effective.  Annie is experiencing how insensitive Ryan can be. That is an experience all of Ryan’s women, save Gillian, eventually have.

As for PV fathers, I still contend that Adam is a good one. Not perfect, but then he never claims to be perfect. It is dawning on me that JR is not so much Adam’s son as he is Adam’s cross to bear.

“Family?  Wow, you say it like you understand what it means. Somebody who believes in family would never do what you’ve done.”

Oh, you are so right, JR. And you have the definitive proof, don’t you? Let’s see. There was the time Adam forgave you for the fake kidnapping that cost him almost everything. There was the time Adam helped you face the truth about Mirabess. Oh, and let us not forget Adam helping you track down your faux dead son. As I recall, you reached Lil’A moments before Tad, a paragon of family values, was about to send him off to South America forever. Yep, Adam is one rotten dad.

“You’ve been listening to everything I’ve been saying since God knows when.” Well, JR, I would never presume to speak for God, but it is a safe bet that he knew it about the same time the rest of us did, when Adam gave you the ring. Tad is right when he says JR is not Adam’s son. JR is too stupid and too self-righteous to be a Chandler.

Awkward segue.

Friday’s train station scenes were over the top, hokey, and pure soap. I loved them. I loved the location shoot. I loved the dramatic music. I loved Jesse’s look of resignation. I loved Angie running down the tracks screaming, “You’re alive! Jesse, you’re alive!” Angie’s reaction was real and emotional but never once was it shrill over the top hysteria. I haven’t enjoyed a romantic hero walking towards the love of his life through steam at railroad station this much since I saw Reds. Jesse and Angie deserve all this romance and so do we.

Still, the cynic in me sees problems ahead for Jesse and Angie. Not the usual soap problems, but Carey propping problems. The propping has already begun:

“I hope you know that you are now officially my best friend.” Bringing Angie back for Jesse is wonderful. Bringing Angie back for Frankie is great. Hell, even bringing back Angie for Joe and PVH is more than acceptable. Bringing Angie back to be Krystal’s best friend and worshipper? That makes me want to drink a very large glass of taro root juice.

What else. What else.

Josh! We saw Josh! I guess even mannies get a night off now and then.

“Maybe it’s that you don’t want me around Kendall.” Frankly Ryan I don’t know anyone who wants you around Kendall.

While Zach was missing, Kendall was too busy to take her birth control pills but not too busy to write a novel? Now that makes perfect sense.

“My hero. My lover. My pedicurist.” If the PI thing doesn’t work out Spotted Dick can always get a job at the Glamorama.

Locust Street! Center City! Good times!

“The sofa will be fine.” There is not enough Febreeze and disinfectant in the world to make sleeping on that pestiferous couch fine.

I never thought anyone would look as great as my husband does in an aubergine sweater but Adam came pretty damn close.

JR being his perfect bone marrow donor could make Richie a Chandler or a Cooney. Could Richie be Melanie’s heretofore-unmentioned love child? Or Evil Will’s secret evil spawn? The ages might not match but when has that ever bothered AMC?

“We’re back! Yes, we’re back! “It was nice of  Kendall and Greenlee to remind us that they’re back. Just in case we missed the first 100 times they told us.

“You didn’t die. That was a lie.” I love it when Krystal acts shocked when someone else lies. Really I do. Each time she does it, it confirms her place in the section of hell reserved for hypocrites.

“Tell me, Dad, whose hero are you?” Well, mine for one.

Is Krystal’s glitter wrapping paper coat left over from her Clem-sponsored trip to Las Vegas? If that’s not an example of what-you-buy-in-Vegas-should-stay-in-Vegas I don’t know what is.

“Have you tried V-8 Fusion? It’s really good.”  My favorite way to relax is to drink a tasty V-8 Fusion while reading Charm and listening to Love Affair. Life really does not get any better than that.

“You’re an honorable man, Tad.” Jesse really has been gone a long time, hasn’t he?

Will this week’s spoilers have us wishing we could put the writers up for adoption or not? Let’s see:

The “Go for Red” fashion show has a surprise ending. To paraphrase Hayley Vaughn, “it’s not a Pine Valley fashion show unless someone does something crazy.”

Instead of a taking a bow, Erica takes a ride to the PVPD. In handcuffs. Who’s behind her arrest? Samuel Woods.

A show of hands, please, from everyone who thinks Pam recorded the whole thing. Another show of hands, please, from everyone who thinks Pam’s sexual fantasies have Samuel handcuffing her.

Jack gives Erica some good legal advice, which she ignores.

“Whatever you do, Erica, do not assume that shaking your hair and rubbing your thighs will get you out of trouble this time.” “Oh, don’t be silly, Jackson. Obviously you know nothing about how the system really works.”

Instead of being quiet during her bail hearing, Erica verbally attacks Samuel.

Even rubbing her thighs until they catch fire isn’t going to get Erica out of this one.

Erica’s firstborn isn’t having such a great week, either.

Kendall tells Greenlee she might be pregnant. Kendall tells Aidan she might be pregnant but if she is, she’s certain Zach is the father. Kendall tells the Campbell’s Soup vendor she might be pregnant. Kendall tries to tell Samuel Woods she might be pregnant but he is too busy arresting Erica to listen. Kendall searches high and low for Josh so she can tell him she thinks she’s pregnant but she cannot find him. In her hysteria, Kendall forgot she sent her manny brother home to watch her boys.

Sure, you laugh now.

Finally, Kendall takes the damn test. Guess what? She’s not pregnant.

Oh, no, now the writers will have to come up with another reason for Kendall to be in a constant state of hysteria.

Kendall tells Greenlee and Aidan that she is not pregnant.

I wonder if Greens will notice how extremely relieved Aidan looks.

Ryan tells Greenlee that he still loves Kendall. Greenlee is relieved that Ryan doesn’t still love her.

Well, I would be relieved, too, wouldn’t you?

Zach doesn’t trust Ryan around Kendall. He hires Aidan to be her bodyguard during her book signing tour.

So Zach hires Aidan to protect Kendall. That’s sweet but who is going to protect us from listening to more of their endless self-flagellation and whining about the one night stand?

Babe is determined to have JR save Richie’s life.

Babe challenges JR to a game of strip poker. If she wins, JR will agree to be Richie’s donor.

Babe is using sex to get what she wants. Talk about surprises!

JR tells Babe that he had already decided to be Richie’s donor. Overcome with joy, Babe decides to let JR “donate” something to her, too.

Here’s the sad thing. Babe might help JR if he needed a donor but not until after she browbeat him about his past misdeeds. Oh, and made him promise to never ever be mean to her again. Richie doesn’t have to promise anything except regaining his will to live but then again, JR is EVIL and Richie isn’t.

Richie hacks into PVH’s computer system and discovers JR is his perfect donor.

Hasn’t anyone at PVH heard of firewalls? Or passwords that are harder to crack than “Jenny”?

Not realizing that JR is willing to be the donor, Richie hatches a plan that will guarantee JR’s compliance.

Richie threatens to shave off JR’s golden locks?

Finally, some joy for the Slaters and the Laverys.

Joe shares the good news that Spike’s cochlear implant is working. Spike can hear again!

Kendall had better get a grip on her guilt. If she doesn’t ,Spike’s first words might be, “Mommy. Sex. Aidan. Bad Mommy.”

Ryan is troubled when he sees how close Spike, Zach and Kendall are.

Where’s Ian? Is he out with his manny and his nanny? Never seeing Ian is what’s troubling me.

Angie and Jesse are reunited but their life is far from perfect.

Jesse tells Angie that he did not know his captors. All he knows is that they beat him and tortured him for information he did not have. Jesse finally managed to escape and has been on the run ever since.

Of course, this makes no sense whatsoever but I am willing to suspend my disbelief. For now.

Angie decides that she, Jesse, and Frankie can go into hiding together.

There’s always room for more in the Chandler tunnels.

Frankie thinks that Tad knows something about Jesse. Frankie follows Tad home and is shocked to see his father.

 Frankie is getting a much better deal than Amanda, who also was shocked to see her father. An alive father trumps one who is dead and stuffed in a freezer.

Jesse tells everyone that the people who held him captive are still after him. Angie and the Martins convince him that together they can handle any bad guys that come their way.

After all, if Krystal’s can of whoopass doesn’t work, Tad can always bury the bad guys alive.

Oh those AMC actors.

For years, I have wanted Ray Gardner’s ghost to haunt Tad. We won’t be seeing Ray’s ghost anytime soon, but we will be meeting his brother Rob. We can expect Rob to be as loving, kind, and honest as his late brother. Rob’s portrayer is David Rasche. Mr. Rasche has a long and varied career in TV and movies. I enjoyed his performance as a soap actor in Delirious and look forward to seeing him on a real soap. I hope he makes the same seamless transition from movies/primetime to daytime as Stephen Macht (GH) and Brian Kerwin (OLTL) have.

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2008

February 4, 2008

January 28, 2008

January 21, 2008

January 14, 2008

January 7, 2008


Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2007